Is there another way to do this without separating?

[GetOutOfJailFree]

Long marriage, happy for many years but which I think is now foundering - kids on verge of leaving and looking at the future and thinking I can't keep doing this.....
Bad bits: he's disorganised, forgetful, messy, lives very much in his own head and to his own agenda unless endlessly nagged to do otherwise - I'm really resentful of doing all the thinking/planning and most of the shit work
Good bits: he's generous, affectionate, we share the same values and find eachother interesting and entertaining to talk to, good co-parents mostly, he loves me and I love him (when not enraged).
He gets the issue and is really trying to sort his shit out but I suspect not much will change and I don't want to make him miserable trying to be someone he's not to meet my needs.
Things need to change as I don't want to live like this for the next 30 years, but I feel so so sad about thought of divorce....
Is there a way to sort of 'uncouple' but not go for full separation? Would love a scenario where we are close, spend time together us two and as a family but domestically and probably financially separate.
Am I dreaming or has anyone done something like this and did it work?

Hmmm don't think surrendered wifehood is for me (and the fiercely feminist daughters would disown me!)

What precisely would be better if he lived elsewhere i.e. if you’d officially split up?

Is it primarily the domestic fuckery - trail of shit, no room to yourself etc - or is it the mental load of other people’s expectations e.g. elderly in-laws and the caring of (even low-level like birthdays, etc) that you’d unburden yourself of if you were no longer together?

The thing is, he will very likely find another woman to fill the role you are currently filling. There are plenty of women who would gladly do so, if he is as you describe. Would you be heartbroken or relieved? Do you think you would find someone else if that happened? Or not be bothered?

I am a feminist too. I am a professional woman earning more than my husband. However I am no longer picking up the slack at home after reading this book

Good questions and I don't know the answers

What I do know is I can't continue feeling this resentful, it's no good for either of us

NoSquirrels- yes all those things, I'm terrible at just dropping things when I know it negatively impacts others or causes me more stress and there seems to be precious little that doesn't fall into one of those categories

If you were alone the grass would still need cutting, your elderly parents and children with needs would still need supporting, and the car would still need its MOT.

But your house would be cleaner and you’d have no expectations of assistance to be disappointed and no one to be resentful of.

So, it’s the resentment which is the biggest issue to a healthy long term relationship.

You can go two ways with that. First is no expectations (surrendered wife), drop the rope on expecting an equal partner and make peace with doing your own thing but with a person who lives with you that’s just for sex, conversation and extra income.

Second is divorce.

You can only change yourself (your own reactions or actions) not other people.

I think the main thing to ask yourself is are you still in love with him. Or do you just love him as the father of your kids.

I think being with someone for such a long time they can annoy the shit out of you, the habits, the taken you for granted etc.

If you do still want to be with him why not date again see if that spark can come back.

I even miss the beginning part at times the fun of getting dressed up and getting to know each other. Instead of washing his pants.... anyway I'm going off track sorry 😂

If you're not sure why don't you have a break away by yourself, might do you good to get out of the house and try clear your head before making any decision.

Its tough but you're right life's short you have to be happy too. And even if he has adhd it's unfair you picking up after him that would get to me too. Lovely as he sounds you have to want to be with him.

Really good points and a lot to think about, realise the grass may well not be greener and we have loved and known eachother for a long time and that's a lot to give up

Off for a walk and a ponder, do very much appreciate everyone's thoughts and insight

He’s used to depending on you. Of course if you left he’d still be in a mess but I guarantee he’d function - he would have to. he knows you love him and he can’t be bothered to make the change to keep you - he’s trading on your love and can’t really believe you would leave “just” over this.

This is where we need an AI assistant who can do the nagging for you!

You sound like therapy or counselling just for you would help you unpick the urge to assist everyone at your own detriment. Tackling that might make the biggest difference, based on what you’ve said about not feeling you can drop things.

I think you would need to be happy to accept that a new woman would be stepping in to take over this role, be a stepmother, and the implications of all that (kids’ inheritance, socially networks so on). Realistically there will be single women who will have been looking for a good looking affectionate man that they’re happy to do life admin for!

It's probably what he says, isn't it... "Stop nagging me, woman!". I can hear it now.

You are very much not nagging. You are at the end of your tether with frustration and annoyance at his refusal to pull his weight and get shit done.

exactly, the first rule of therapy is that you can only control yourself and not others

He's forcing you into the "nag paradox".

He's supposed to take care of a job, or collection of jobs, but he doesn't do it. You, therefore have to either:

1. Do the jobs yourself and resent him for it
2. Remind ("nag") him to do the jobs - he gets angry/resentful for you doing this, and you resent having to do it
3. Jobs don't get done (car ends up uninsured, house ends up dirty, bins aren't put out etc) and there are possible legal/financial/health/mental repercussions because of this

You're being pushed into a parental role for the person who is supposed to be halving your load, and instead of making your life easier, he makes it harder and full of resentment.

I wish there was some kind of training camp for these men to go on, because I'm damn sure that at work, if there's a management meeting every Monday, he'll turn up on time and with notes, but if bin day is every Monday, he'll forget, because he's used to you picking up the slack.

I don't have a resolution unfortunately, but it's a horrible way to have to live, and remember your children are now growing up thinking it's usual to leave all responsibilities and housework to the wife, which I don't think is healthy, or good parenting.

@GetOutOfJailFree You say he works full time. So he manages to be a perfectly capable fully-functioning grown-up adult and do what needs doing at work, doesn't he?

He has got far too used to you being the driving force at home, and he's found that he doesn't need to remember birthdays, or doctor's appointments or to cut the grass, because he has you to remind him of them. So he has switched off. He isn't forgetting - he simply isn't bothering to remember anything.

I am beginning to think that you need to cease with the reminders and go on a selective strike. Start with one or two things. Don't clear up after his trail of mess. Leave it there, or just stuff it all into a random box behind the sofa. Don't remind him to cut the grass, let it grow longer and longer until he eventually does notice. Don't remind him that it is your birthday, buy yourself a bunch of flowers and some nice chocolates (or whatever treat you like) instead. It will eventually dawn on him that his skivvy isn't skivvying any more.

For different reasons I moved into a separate house from my partner after 30 plus years. It has transformed our relationship. We still do fun things together, holidays, theatre together but have the every day irritations and disagreements to contend with. We don't live near each other but speak every day. We visit each other regularly and treat it like a mini holiday. We have not changed our financial arrangements but we have always had separate finances as this is an area where we have never been compatible......

We are still very much a couple but would probably not be if we still lived together. People find it weird and we had reassure our grown up children but it works for us.

Hmmm don't think surrendered wifehood is for me

A lot of SW is about giving up control. So you'd just let him forget his tax disc is expiring, etc. It's REALLY hard to do. It's not about being a doormat. In fact, her most recent book tells you to do 4 x fun things a day and NEVER remind/nag/tell/suggest your DH to do ANYTHING.

Mmm I think as you get on well generally and still find him attractive, it would be a shame to split.

I recognise why you’re resentful and I’ve been there but gradually the kids left home and the elderly parents needed less input (care homes/death), we started to get back on track.

Hmmm, you say you nag him and that you don’t want to “change him to meet your needs” but he sounds like he is very reliant on you and could do with adulting a bit more. He can’t go through life being useless and disorganised and dependent.

@DoingJustFine you realise letting the car tax expire renders you uninsured?

So if the OP didn't tax the car (when her H didn't do it) and they had an accident, the pair of them would be personally liable for all damages plus legal costs and other injured parties etc and then may have to compromise on medical care for themselves and /or their children as they couldn't afford to get quicker/private healthcare, or sell their house/spend their savings on replacing cars/paying for damages? Or self-fund legal costs to get the party at fault to payout?

Not putting dirty laundry in the hamper is one thing, but do you really expect the OP to just stand back and let the safety net that insurance gives you (as well as the legal necessity for it) fall away?

Will your kids leave home for uni / travel / jobs? If so your life admin and work load will greatly reduce and you might have more mental space and enjoy your time with DH more. Please don’t push yourself to make a decision before you’ve hit empty nest stage.

You say you don't want to push him or force him to be someone he's not, but what about you? He's forcing you into a situation you are not happy in. He has suspected adhd, ok then he needs to find treatment or ways to manage it so it doesn't impact on your happiness. You seem to be the only one coming up with solutions, and he has a problem for every solution.