Is there another way to do this without separating?

[GetOutOfJailFree]

Long marriage, happy for many years but which I think is now foundering - kids on verge of leaving and looking at the future and thinking I can't keep doing this.....
Bad bits: he's disorganised, forgetful, messy, lives very much in his own head and to his own agenda unless endlessly nagged to do otherwise - I'm really resentful of doing all the thinking/planning and most of the shit work
Good bits: he's generous, affectionate, we share the same values and find eachother interesting and entertaining to talk to, good co-parents mostly, he loves me and I love him (when not enraged).
He gets the issue and is really trying to sort his shit out but I suspect not much will change and I don't want to make him miserable trying to be someone he's not to meet my needs.
Things need to change as I don't want to live like this for the next 30 years, but I feel so so sad about thought of divorce....
Is there a way to sort of 'uncouple' but not go for full separation? Would love a scenario where we are close, spend time together us two and as a family but domestically and probably financially separate.
Am I dreaming or has anyone done something like this and did it work?

It isn't the OP's reponsibility to tax or insure his car. Nor it is her responsibility to keep on reminding and reminding him until he finally does it (or the OP gives up in despair and does it herself, WHICH IS WHAT HE WANTS TO HAPPEN).

Can't you rent somewhere separate but still be together?

My friend did it for 15 years.

More thought provoking replies!

Yes I do need to let him experience consequences of not doing stuff and I'm bad at that I know (not willing to let things go that would cause serious health/financial impacts though)

GreatOliveTree your post inspires hope for me - this is exactly the scenario I was hoping was possible - without the daily irritation I'm sure we could be happy together

To answer another poster, yes I'm sure someone else would snap him up if we split, he has many lovely qualities and people really warm to him (although his nearest and dearest share my frustration with the downsides!) some days that feels ok, some days awful -as in the op I would really like to find a way forward that doesn't involve splitting up but also isn't where we are now.....

GreatOliveTiger, not tree!

Empty nest is coming next year so that is a good time I think to decide on longer term plans

When I think about a little tidy calm space of my own with him visiting/us going away or out to do things that feels joyous for me- just don't know if the prospect would make him very sad and/or lead to us growing further apart and that being the death knell....

Ideally I want you to go back to him being my funny, charming boyfriend with no expectation that I'll be picking up after him physically or metaphorically.....

LAT living ? ( living apart together).
You're still married spend time together but have your own places, interests etc, but like dating but with long standing commitment.
You let him live his way you have your space your way and just put up with it when you go there briefly knowing you can walk away. It's really beneficial in circumstances like yours.

My dh hs messed up with finances and Important Paperwork.. It's bloody draining. I have acquired more small things that keep me a bit more balanced mh wise... Gardening. Bought a vinyl player and some old favourites to play. Started some crafts. More me time basically
.Dh would happily sit drinking tea every spare minute sat together...
And I am older by a decade!!

Right! I am not sure that you will find anything really changes. He will not do the MOT, or take care of his elderly parents, or remember stuff he needs to do for your kids, or clean his own house. So if you stay involved but live separately all that changes is that he mostly sleeps somewhere else, forgets stuff just as much, and still needs to be reminded to pitch in and care for remaining joint responsibilities.

And why would any of those cock-ups fall to the OP to sort out? She sorts out her own life admin, he does (or doesn't) do his. If they are living separately, they will have no joint responsibilities apart from being parents to their (nearly) adult dc. I dare say they know what he's like anyway.

Yes I hear you pikkumyy77 I also don't think there would be a magical stepping up, although suspect he would a bit when he had to on some fronts.

I guess I'm thinking living separately and having some financial/legal separation (is that even possible while married??) would allow me to mentally drop the rope and give me the best bits I see divorced friends having while still being emotionally a couple?

I fear I'm sounding massively naive and like I want to have my cake and eat it.....

Adult and nearly adult DC very clear on what he's like - they love him very much but despair at his inability to manage stuff and at the impact on me. I defend him and us and talk about the positives of our relationship when it comes up but they're far from daft

When I think about a little tidy calm space of my own with him visiting/us going away or out to do things that feels joyous for me- just don't know if the prospect would make him very sad and/or lead to us growing further apart and that being the death knell....

But it’s a death knell for your relationship to stay as is. Your resentment of him is growing and there will be a point of no return. If he doesn’t want to live separately he needs to step up his game. So the choice is his there. Your choice is to prioritise your own happiness.

Well why shouldn’t you have your cake and eat it too? Its brave thinking to look at the current institution and say: this isn’t working for me. Why not LAT?

You're right it might be that or nothing if things don't change, I'll talk to him and see what he thinks

Would a PA/ housekeeper/ secretary a day a week be cheaper than divorce? Someone who does the filing/ sorting/ organising/ laundry? Basically someone to do the ‘wife work’.

Have you foreseen your husband's reaction? The easier option in my opinion would be to drop a few balls instead. As per Surrendered Wife method. No one yet died because some paperwork was filed in late.

That wasn’t really my point, I suppose.

I was trying to tease out of the OP what she feels would be the greatest release of being properly divorced/split.

If it was mess/house related, then there are ways to get around that whilst still living together - separate spaces to live as you like (his and hers bedrooms/living spaces plus, a few common spaces like kitchen that are zero tolerance etc.)

If it’s the mental load of others’ expectations that she feels she’s only ‘allowed’ to drop if she’s divorced /split then counselling might work for her in setting and maintaining boundaries.

If it’s just that admitting to herself ‘Now I want to be alone’ then that’s a different path.

No no one's died from late paperwork but it's not just that - it's cost implications of fines, house maintenance not done so expensive repairs, stress to me of living in chaos and mess, essential medical appointments for kids or parents not sorted, lovely extended family members feeling sad and uncared for, pets not deflead/wormed or taken to vet, on and on.....just a bit of late paperwork is not the problem.....

By the way, I think I’d bloody LOVE living apart together - and my DH would absolutely hate it. I reckon most women of a certain age would love to have relationships on these sorts of terms, and most men wouldn’t. (See also: 61% of men remarry after their spouse dies, compared to 19% of women.)

NoSquirrels that's a very good point and I will think about it some more as I'm not totally clear

That was to as what I really want out of living apart

I also think DH would hate it as would most men I know....says a lot about marriage!

Living apart would fix:

House maintenance (look after your small property yourself)

Chaos and mess

Caring for any pets that live with you

It would only fix the other things (essential medical appointments for kids or parents not sorted, lovely extended family members feeling sad and uncared for) if you drew boundaries around whose responsibility these things really are.

Yes good point, I realise not a solution to everything but hoping a physical separation of living would make setting those boundaries easier I guess