Is there another way to do this without separating?

[GetOutOfJailFree]

Long marriage, happy for many years but which I think is now foundering - kids on verge of leaving and looking at the future and thinking I can't keep doing this.....
Bad bits: he's disorganised, forgetful, messy, lives very much in his own head and to his own agenda unless endlessly nagged to do otherwise - I'm really resentful of doing all the thinking/planning and most of the shit work
Good bits: he's generous, affectionate, we share the same values and find eachother interesting and entertaining to talk to, good co-parents mostly, he loves me and I love him (when not enraged).
He gets the issue and is really trying to sort his shit out but I suspect not much will change and I don't want to make him miserable trying to be someone he's not to meet my needs.
Things need to change as I don't want to live like this for the next 30 years, but I feel so so sad about thought of divorce....
Is there a way to sort of 'uncouple' but not go for full separation? Would love a scenario where we are close, spend time together us two and as a family but domestically and probably financially separate.
Am I dreaming or has anyone done something like this and did it work?

Although I hear you, therapy for me to help with that is definitely cheaper than two homes....

My DH also has inattentive ADHD. It drives me BONKERS, and I actually told him last week that we need to start separating finances and looking to separate as after 22 years, I cannot take it anymore. It's scary as we have been together for over half of my life but I am at my limit and it is killing my love for him.

He is on medication now which makes a massive difference but honestly, it's not enough. And I don't know if it ever will be.

I am resentful.

essential medical appointments for kids

your kids are almost or of the door, so this is no longer an issue.

or parents not sorted,
focus on your parents and leave his to him.

lovely extended family members feeling sad and uncared for

as above. Focus on your family members.

Drop the rope where you can.

We maybe could manage a divided house .... as long as you are still not having to take charge of everything: every meal/birthday/tax return/car mot/parents medical appointment/lawn needs mowing, as you say.

In a lot of marriages it is the woman who manages all this - the "mental load" as it has been called. And in some way we have to take responsibility for letting that happen, doing it all, then feeling pissed off about it - the man gets used to this as the status quo, but is suddenly required to change - it won't happen overnight unfortunately.

Could you drip drip tasks his way? - and manage to stand back and trust he will do them?!

When we were first married I found myself reminding him that he had not contacted his family for weeks - he would say "Oh yes - I must do that" (and then not do it) - or reminding him about his family's birthdays. After about a year I thought "Why the hell am I doing this?" - and I stopped. But underneath I felt his family was judging me in some way - WTF!?

@GetOutOfJailFree could I add here that if he does have (inattentive) adhd (which it sounds like), letting him “experience consequences” won’t make any difference

I hear you. However what makes you think your husband will be happy to go with whatever arrangement you have in mind? I am all for caring for lovely extended family members. Will anyone care for you in your old age if your husband decides he would rather have a traditional relationship and takes off with another woman?

A friend and his wife have been happily married for over 40 years. The wife moved out of the family home shortly after the kids left and now they live apart.

Now the wife has a little house in the village and the husband live about 15 minutes outside it. What prompted them was that he likes the solitude and she wanted more activity and community around her. Although, living with a grumpy academic who always had his head in research was possibly quite lonely!

I don’t really understand it but it works for them and they are very much a couple. Both would be indignant at the suggestion they are in any way separated as they are very much in love.

Obviously as a happy couple, all family events and high days and holidays are spent as a family with the family home as their base.

And lots of people do the town and country split where they only see each other at the weekend.

Could this be for you?

It just sounds like you're fed up of living with him. So don't!

If you separate then you'll have to buy two houses anyway. So buy two houses next door or close to each other and remain married. I know of plenty of people doing this. I think Helena Bonham Carter was doing it years ago (still is?).

Don't throw away what sounds like a lovely, functioning marriage for the sake of tidiness and mess. Just separate the belongings instead of the people!

Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall did this too.

Several people have mentioned the possibility of ADHD, but the thing is... he works full time and manages to do his job without the OP micromanaging his entire day. So he is capable of doing things. He just drops the rope whenever it is something that the OP can remind him about, or do herself instead.

Or there are people at work sweeping up after him too.

Dh managed a large superstore.. Methodical and routine... Home is simply out of his comfort zone.
Managing life he isn't managing.

you realise letting the car tax expire renders you uninsured?

Yes I do, and I’m sure the OP’s DH does too. If he truly felt the buck stopped with him, he’d get the urgency that is essential for an ADHD person to do something. Without urgency (or fun, or challenge) stuff doesn’t get done.

OP would still be the one having to arrange and pay this person to provide extra help.

Plus the extra help would not be there 24 hours a day, so OP's DH would continue not doing the things he is not doing in the hours/days when the extra help wasn't there. Extra help would just be a smokescreen to his lack of pulling his weight.

Cheaper but not sure that it can change someone's fundamental personality. We have made living apart work for us by having clear areas of who does what. We each take care of our own homes, gardens etc with the other partner being a guest and not in a position to criticise. I take on immediate family admin and holiday planning because I enjoy this. He gives me financial advise when asked as he is much better with this than I am. Since living apart we have both improved in the areas that used to annoy each other probably because we don't feel pressurised. I will give advice over phone on some of his less competent areas (Tech) but won't feel obliged to fix stuff. I know that most people can't afford to live separately but I would never want to go back to living with someone again.