Not sure he fancies me

[Maryplane]

If a man you’d been on a couple of dates with hadn’t complimented you or flirted with you at all, would you think that means he didn’t find you attractive?

I’m in this situation. First date was last week and second was yesterday. Got on really well with him both times, he is very easy to talk to.

He kissed me at the end of the first date and that went on for a good few minutes, it was “get a room” intensity.

And then on our second date yesterday he kissed me straight away and there was a lot of making out during the date itself. No groping, it didn’t go beyond first base but was still very passionate and intense.

In between the two dates we messaged a little bit but not much. He has always been warm and chatty but never flirtatious, has never complimented me and hasn’t responded to any overtures of that kind from me.

After we had been kissing for a long time yesterday I said to him that I’d been unsure as to whether he was attracted to me or not, because there was no flirtation in his messages even when I’d attempted to initiate some. And he said something along the lines of him not being someone who ever really flirts.

The way we left things was that he probably isn’t around next week in the evenings as he has his kids with him but he may be free at some point during the day. Both of our dates so far have been daytime meetings so that’s not an issue.

But again, I’m not sure if he’s interested. I did message him a couple of hours after our date yesterday to say I know he doesn’t do flirting but that I wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed kissing him and was looking forward to exploring more when we get the chance. He answered and said “the kissing is pretty great 😁” and then said something about the unfortunate number of passers by that we had to interrupt things for.

We haven’t messaged since but he spoke yesterday as if we are definitely seeing each other again and it’s just a question of scheduling.

He is new to online dating and I was the first person he’d ever met that way. I haven’t asked if he’s also meeting other women but am assuming that he is. I am also going on dates with other men but am really attracted to this guy.

On our first date we met halfway between his town and mine. And yesterday he drove down to my town to meet me, which was his own suggestion.

So he’s shown up for both dates, hasn’t messed me around in any way, has come down to my town to see me, has always responded to messages promptly and has physically shown me that he feels strong chemistry towards me.

But he’s not saying that he’s into me. My comment to him yesterday about looking forward to exploring more was an invitation for him to say he was looking forward to that too, looking forward to seeing me again, that kind of thing. And he didn’t 😐

I’m not sure what to think.

Given the kissing etc, it does just sound to me like he doesn’t really do flirting or conpliments (or at least not at this stage). It does sound like he does fancy you though, just doesn’t express it in the way you might want/expect. It’s totally ok if that’s not for you and you wouldn’t want a relationship like that. Personally I’d give it a few more dates I think.l to see if things develop in that area.

If you’re fairly used to OLD, maybe you’re more used to the banter-y messages that lots of men (maybe women too but I was saying men) do? I quite liked the slower approach though and can’t remember excessive compliments in the early days from my DP of 8 years (met online - I was the first person he met). He’s pretty complimentary now though. I think he just hadn’t been sucked into the OLD craziness when i met him so was very respectful and didn’t want to overstep.

I think you’ve broached ir with him a few times that he doesn’t compliment you / flirt though he clearly fancies you or he would not be kissing you in public like that. And he has told you that’s how he is so he is not going to change.
If you need this kind of thing from a relationship then this isn’t the man for you.
My dp isn’t big on making compliments but I just have to walk past him in my underwear and he will try it on 😅 The guy you are seeing sounds similar but it may cause issues for you further down the line as you like compliments and this just isn’t what he’s like!

Is he an engineer?

I did go on a mini rant on our first date about how I detest the “morning beautiful, how’s ur day?” kind of messages a lot of men start sending as soon as you match with them. I remember saying that messages like that make me uncomfortable because they’re implying an intimacy that isn’t there yet.

But I do still want to feel that someone I’m a connection with does actually fancy me. I don’t need tons of flattery but just a couple of words to say he’s into me and wants to see me again would be reassuring.

It’s who he is and his personal style. Different strokes and all that.

Personally I’d love a man like this as I find flirting and compliments cheesy and cringey but if you like it and it’s not how he operates then maybe he’s not the man for you. Asking him to give you compliments when it’s not his thing is making him do something that’s not spontaneous so it’s pointless.

The fact you’ve kissed on both dates says that he’s attracted imo - why do you need him to spell it out?

No but he works in IT. He is very smiley and easy to talk too though, I don’t think he’s on the spectrum 🤔

I don’t know, I guess it’s just not what I’m used to.

You made a big deal of saying you don’t like mushy messages because they imply an intimacy that’s not there, you’re still seeing other guys, and you are getting needy for him to show how much he’s into you? Sorry I don’t really get you, and so I doubt he does either. If you’re into him, maybe drop the other guys? I don’t understand this way of dating anyway, why is it a problem to date one at a time, it shows sincerity. What’s going on with these other guys? Are they showing you attention and intimate messages, are you kissing them? Does it bother you that he’s not also all over you in that way? Perhaps he is looking for someone and something deeper before he expresses himself the way you are wanting him to.

@tamaribest That’s the 4th snide post you’ve made on my thread now. I get your point. I got it the first time. You can stop now.

I don’t think her post was snide- she’s correct, you’ve met him twice

also, you have sent him confusing signals, and still dating other guys anyway. Not sure what you expect after two dates when you are only shopping around and it’s clearly not the worlds greatest romance

Maybe he has taken your rant on board (totally agree with you there, btw!) and is trying not to be too sleazy. I'd say it's worth at least one more date, maybe more and just see how it goes - the verbal side may come with time as he feels more comfortable. It sounds like the ball is in his court on arranging the next date so you can leave him to do that and it will tell you about whether he'd like to see you again.

Yep, I’m leaving it up to him. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. I do really like him though and I’m hoping this works out.

But if he’s not someone who’s naturally flirty or complimentary then doing so because you’re asking him to then makes his words fake and insincere.

Personally I’d find a man paying compliments after 2 dates rather cringey. Slow down and let things develop naturally rather than rush the guy.

He’s shown you that he’s into you, however if you need constant compliments and reassurance that ‘omg you are so hot’ then he’s probably not the right guy for you.

God I hate flirting. But if you like it, he's not the man for you.

OP you sound too intense after just two dates.

You didn’t need to send him a message about how you want to go further. He got the message after all the ‘making out’ in public. He knows you’re up for it. Which doesn’t give him much of a challenge.

I would calm down. Stop questioning him about why he isn’t flirting and try to play it a bit cooler if it’s possible at this stage.

Let him make all the next moves. You should expect an evening date next and he should make all the effort. If he sticks to these day time dates I’d be suspicious he isn’t single.

Definitely coming on too strong, giving bunny boiler vibes!

Yeah, he's kissing you and wanting to see you more than once. He fancies you. Put your hand on his dick next time you're kissing and see if it's getting hard. You'll know for sure then.

You say you're seeing others and you think he is too. So you're both wanting to keep your options open.....
But you are happy to sleep with him, at the same time as dating others, and he's not committing emotionally or physically yet until he's more sure.
Sounds like you are different people, that he is looking for exclusivity, but that's not something you value.
I think you should either commit to each other, or let go.