Not sure he fancies me

[Maryplane]

If a man you’d been on a couple of dates with hadn’t complimented you or flirted with you at all, would you think that means he didn’t find you attractive?

I’m in this situation. First date was last week and second was yesterday. Got on really well with him both times, he is very easy to talk to.

He kissed me at the end of the first date and that went on for a good few minutes, it was “get a room” intensity.

And then on our second date yesterday he kissed me straight away and there was a lot of making out during the date itself. No groping, it didn’t go beyond first base but was still very passionate and intense.

In between the two dates we messaged a little bit but not much. He has always been warm and chatty but never flirtatious, has never complimented me and hasn’t responded to any overtures of that kind from me.

After we had been kissing for a long time yesterday I said to him that I’d been unsure as to whether he was attracted to me or not, because there was no flirtation in his messages even when I’d attempted to initiate some. And he said something along the lines of him not being someone who ever really flirts.

The way we left things was that he probably isn’t around next week in the evenings as he has his kids with him but he may be free at some point during the day. Both of our dates so far have been daytime meetings so that’s not an issue.

But again, I’m not sure if he’s interested. I did message him a couple of hours after our date yesterday to say I know he doesn’t do flirting but that I wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed kissing him and was looking forward to exploring more when we get the chance. He answered and said “the kissing is pretty great 😁” and then said something about the unfortunate number of passers by that we had to interrupt things for.

We haven’t messaged since but he spoke yesterday as if we are definitely seeing each other again and it’s just a question of scheduling.

He is new to online dating and I was the first person he’d ever met that way. I haven’t asked if he’s also meeting other women but am assuming that he is. I am also going on dates with other men but am really attracted to this guy.

On our first date we met halfway between his town and mine. And yesterday he drove down to my town to meet me, which was his own suggestion.

So he’s shown up for both dates, hasn’t messed me around in any way, has come down to my town to see me, has always responded to messages promptly and has physically shown me that he feels strong chemistry towards me.

But he’s not saying that he’s into me. My comment to him yesterday about looking forward to exploring more was an invitation for him to say he was looking forward to that too, looking forward to seeing me again, that kind of thing. And he didn’t 😐

I’m not sure what to think.

I wouldn’t want to date a man who views sex with a new partner as a prize he should have to work for.

And if this guy is put off by my making it clear that I’m up for being intimate with him when the time comes, so be it 🤷‍♀️

I’ve already said I’m leaving further contact up to him from now on.

He’s definitely single btw. He’s been very open about his situation as a divorced parent, as have I.

I think he’s clearly showing you he fancies you via the kissing, he’s just not one for flirting/compliments.. I actually prefer men like that as too much complimenting and flirting makes me suspect they are ‘players’ and probably send the same ‘hey beautiful’ message to about 50 different women 😁

It sounds as though you are into each other.

He isn't into sexting, or being graphic in texts.

Neither am I, I think it's gross.

I'd find it really disrespectful if someone was messaging in a really presumptive way between meetings- it's early days!

All talk, no trousers used to be a thing.

Sorry but I'm like PP's. i'd be backing off you if I was him.

Agree with it all!!

Especially the last bit....

Backing off because I sent him one message saying I enjoyed kissing him and am looking forward to that side of things progressing?

Seems extreme but ok.

Agree

Well if you know it all OP I’m surprised you asked for advice here.

If you don’t think men like a challenge, if you think they like being told to flirt when they don’t want to, if you think they want proper relationships with women who seem desperate to have sex, then you carry on.

OLD is full of men after ‘fun’ and who will ‘flirt’ with you from the first message without even knowing you.

If you’ve met one who isn’t like that then I would say that’s refreshing but move on if you want one who will talk dirty with you straight away and flatter you with any old crap to get you into bed.

No, backing off because you are overanalysing and being needy/demanding, so early in the relationship- but that's from what you've said here rather than to him. But he may notice soon!

@Maryplane maybe he wants to take things at a normal pace 😂
Possibly try a different type of dating site if you prefer a faster connection.

The guy's doing an admirable job of keeping you on your toes wondering and anticipating more physical contact. He's showing some self control, probably prompted by your comment on the date. He's simply leaving a little bit of mystery behind and why not? He's not going anywhere soon. He travelled to be with you, willingly juggling time with kids. Yet he's got you scratching your head on here!

Online dating's new to him but you're actually quite seasoned by the sounds of it. He's probably aware he's met you in a virtual minefield of random strangers so is justified to not take you at face value just yet. Why should he when you're barely a couple of dates deep! Furthermore you're dating other men aside from him, keeping your options open in case someone more appealing materialises. So you're still man shopping basically, public affection notwithstanding.

Enjoy the snogging by all means knock yourself out! But just let the man lead without prodding for answers. He's getting to know you. Since flirting isn't his thing and he's got your permission to show you what is, have fun finding out lol
Best

It feels like there’s real slut shaming nastiness in some of these replies.

I’ve literally said the two dates have gone really well but I’m unsure as to whether he’s into me or not.

I haven’t said I’m in love with him, I’m not making any assumptions about it being something long term, I haven’t bombarded him with messages and I’m certainly not stalking the guy.

But expressing a bit of anxiety in an anonymous forum apparently makes me a “bunny boiler”.

Some people on here don’t seem to get that privately expressed thoughts on an online forum are not the same thing as communicating these thoughts directly to the person in question.

If I had messaged the man I’m talking about with all of this then yes, that would have been intense and inappropriate and all the rest of it.

I didn’t do that but people are responding as though I did.

Thanks to everyone who’s been constructive rather than judgmental. I am grateful for the responses that have basically said that most people would interpret his kissing me a lot as him being interested.

Hopefully he is. If he’s not, I’ll be disappointed but will cope with it.

There does seem to be a weird mentality on this forum with some posters whereby any OP who expresses the tiniest degree of anxiety over a man she’s dating, gets mocked and piled on.

Anxiety and uncertainty are normal human emotions. They’re not moral failings.

I agree with you OP and felt the same that if a man wasn't interested because I had sex too quickly or seemed keen or whatever then he wasn't going to be right for me anyway and I'd rather find that out sooner than later.

You might find the ongoing OLD threads on here helpful (if you're not on them already). I found them really useful to just vent/rant in an understanding space when I was OLD.

Good luck with this guy, hopefully he'll come through with some compliments in time .

I hope my comment didn’t sound slut shaming- I didn’t intend it in that way, I was just trying to explain other poster’s response to you.

His behaviour on dates says he is into you- and you are enjoying dates.

You seem to think he should be saying and messaging things that would, to me, feel like red flags and put me off. That may be why he isn’t doing it! I can’t imagine putting anything like that in writing to be forwarded, snapshot or used against me in the future. Especially so early on.

It may be the kind of people you’ve been used to dating, or it may be your/his communication style is mismatched.

Or he may be a stuffy control freak with ED- no one can know just yet! Give it time and it will show up either way!

@Maryplane I think it’s fine to try and get some reassurance. He sounds pretty decent tbh and into you. Sometimes there is a mismatch in terms of love languages. If you do get to know him there might be things he does that show he fancies you and also cares about you as the relationship progresses. I think actions and not words go a lot further. My dp shows his love to me in many ways but I probably get a verbal compliment about how I look maybe once a month where as he is always telling me I’m smart and praises other things I am good at. He’s also very affectionate with me and those things alone are better than some of the empty words I got before I met him on online dating!

Same...I'm actually put off by flirty men, as it's not something I do either. Makes me cringe to be honest.

What does that mean ?

In the nicest way I think you need to chill a bit, it's only been two dates. It takes time. You're better off taking it slow than it being intense, I'd be more wary of a guy who was full on with me.

I'm wondering if she's dating a similar guy and just checking, I wondered same 😂