Desperate for help and advice, I don’t know what to do.

[MrsHelenHuntingdon]

I am currently signed off work with stress and depression, after just fighting on for a long time (too long).
It has been caused by things going on in my life, but I don’t know how to change things and there’s no one I can talk to about it. I would REALLY appreciate some outside views on this.

I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. He is a farmer’s son and has two siblings. I moved countries to live with him and when married I moved into a mobile home on the farm with him, where we lived for the next 4 years. We then saved and renovated a barn on the farm, spending around £100k. It does not belong to us and never will, but FIL promises we can live there forever….or until he falls out with us or changes his mind.

I live next door to my in laws and in ‘their’ house. To say that they have behaved appallingly towards me for the last 15 years would be an understatement. I won’t go into their behaviour as it would get too long, but they are very unpleasant people (all under a veneer of respectability). My husband had a very emotionally (and physically at times) abusive childhood at their hands, and is absolutely unable to deal with any kind of emotion as a result.
The IL’s and H’s sister have gone out of their way to make me feel unwelcome. H works away for long periods and during these times the IL’s have treated me very badly.

The area we live in is beautiful but very remote and very anti towards my nationality. I don’t want this to be too outing.
This has meant that I have really struggled to make friends or have any kind of life.
Everything is miles away, and the casual xenophobia here means that no one wants to know me beyond a hello. I’ve not struggled making friends before in my life but I am an absolute pariah here. It’s miserable.

I have brought up our children alone as H is a workaholic and rarely here. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I am just a shell of myself.

I have told H that this is an unbearable situation and we/I have to leave. He claims to love me and has half-heartedly looked at some houses, but he doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay on the farm, despite FIL saying he will leave it to the sister, H doesn’t seem to be able to cut the ties.

Whilst I’ve been off work he has basically just carried on with his own life as normal, with just fond wishes and hopes now and then that I’ll soon be ‘feeling better’ 🙄
He has done nothing to support me. He doesn’t even text me each day to ask how I am (he works every single day and is away Monday to Friday so I don’t see him that often).

I have laid it out to him in the clearest possible terms that I need more support, and that I need to leave this place. At the time he fully agrees and says he understands etc, he will do whatever it takes blah blah. Then goes back to just living his life.

I cannot go on like this. But what do I do?

I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have a counsellor who can’t advise me. My mum has her own issues and if I told her how things are would just cry.
My old friends I have mostly gradually lost touch with.
I don’t have any recent friends.

I need help.

Thank you

Have you got access to any money? It is helpful if you have but not the end of the world.

I suggest you contact these in Australia where you live. The link below is for domestic abuse support. I've looked it up.

They will help you get out, escape, flee, and come home to the U.K. if you wish to return.

Because you're British, you will be entitled to support here from housing, benefits, and domestic abuse services.

Even though you have lived abroad, it doesn't matter in this situation. I've survived domestic abuse, so get it.

Yes, it's mainly your in-laws. However, you need to her away if that's what you want to do.

Even if you decide to stop in Australia, they will be able to help you navigate the services there.

Your husband is emotionally unavailable because of hus childhood, which is a form of domestic abuse, too. His family are abusers

www.1800respect.org.au/#:~:text=Confidential%20information%2C%20counselling%20and%20support%20service&text=1800RESPECT%

@keffie12 do you know the OP? Because it doesn't say she lives in Oz so could be a bit outing for her.

Thank you. I don’t live in Australia though, I’m in N.Ireland.

I do have access to money. That I can’t complain of.

I’ve been accessing counselling through work which has made things worse really as it’s made me realise how bad things are. So it probably needed to happen.

The tragic thing is that my H is a kind and good person but he seems to be just completely unable to give any kind of emotional support whatsoever. He would be devastated if we left but how long can I keep giving him chances to try!?

My kids also have ponies who they love and I couldn’t make them give their ponies up just to make it easier for me to leave. It makes moving extra complicated because wherever I go needs to accommodate 4 ponies plus a dog.

I am so beyond tired out by life. I just need someone, anyone to help me

So to clarify:

You moved to be with your H
His family treat you badly
You are so stressed you are signed off work
He regularly works away leaving you with his family and the children

It seems like your stress and depression is because of the situation you are in.

Your H is (clearly) not going to move. Your options seem to be to either stay and have a breakdown or leave and don't.

The ponies are beside the point. If you stay and have a breakdown the kids won't care about the ponies.

@DrDroolylabradors @MrsHelenHuntingdon My apologies. I thought you had said Australia for some reason..

The same applies to where you do live OP. Go on Google and look up the domestic abuse services for where you are

Thank you. Yes this is correct.

Ive already had a breakdown, that’s why I’m off. I’ve never been off work before.

I worry now that I am not strong enough mentally to move on my own, and what if the children blame me? I worry about everything, constantly and I do it alone.

Until now I have always been incredibly strong and tough. I could get through anything.
I hate my husbands family for ruining my life. I’m nearly 40 now and I met him in my early 20s. I’ve wasted what should have been my best years, and now I’m just a broken person who Is no use to anyone and who should be on the rubbish heap tbh.

@MrsHelenHuntingdon The ponies as much as you love your children aren't going to replace your mental health and stability.

I stayed for 16 years. In the end I walked out with 4 children and our clothes only. All the stuff in the world, including animals, isn't what is important here. However, it is your choice

Incidently, I do know. I had to make arrangements to have our cats removed on the side when I left.

I've given you what info I can. Now it is over to you.

Nothing changes, if nothing changes

Removed above meant rehomed

If you have access to money surely just rent a property and go. As long as you’ve enough rooms to house the kids, when their dad has them the kids can see the ponies, which I assume will be weekends due to his work. Even if you move an hour or two away, it’s all doable. You certainly don’t need to take the horses with you.

start looking at schools if it requires a school change, or if you can stay close enough for them to stay in the same school, it would be easier.

look for furnished rentals first off, as your immediate first step. If you want to go you can, nothing is stopping you and you shouldn’t put hurdles in your path like wanting to take four horses too.

It’s not that easy or I’d have done it. I can’t just ruin everybody else’s life because I’m miserable myself.

I just don’t know where to turn. I’ve had a total mental breakdown after doing everything for everyone for years and there’s no one to pick me up or even take my hand. How do I carry on, I just can’t anymore.

i just can’t shake the worry that I’ll be ruining everyone’s lives and making things worse. Apart from a rubbish mum my kids have a fairly idyllic life. And my husband is just emotionally damaged himself which isn’t his fault.
I wish I could see it all clearly.

You sound absolutely drained, exhausted and emptied out.

This is a horrible living condition. I can hear your despair.

This is actually a positive moment for you op - something inside of you has finally accepted that you cannot go on, you need - not more - just a little something. You have reached rock bottom. This is good.

You don't have to divorce you know. You could get a flat or house and go back for weekends or have dh come for weekends. Children could go to a new school and go home to the ponies for the weekends. In the end of the day N. Ireland is not massive. So, for fun, start doing day trips to nearest big towns, cities, etc. Give yourself a radius - an hour, two hours? Really start to explore with a totally different point of view in your optic.

BUT - don't only look in terms of your dc - schools etc. See what could suit to get you gently back into society, and into yourself. So - walking clubs, book clubs, dinner clubs - I don't know!
I am trying to say pick a place that will be good for all but not perfect for anyone.

You are going to be your own knight in shining armor.

I have no doubt at all that you can do - the strength you have shown these last 20 years is extraordinary.

Sweetheart you need some ongoing consistent real life support to build yourself up and learn that your wellbeing is important. Counselling or preferably therapy.
There's a saying - happy mum, happy child. Sacrificing your own wellbeing because you think it's somehow better for your children is a mistake.

You need to build your strength and leave and make a better life. Maybe if it's not too far away your children can still have their ponies with their dad but decisions like that are a bit down the line. Take care of yourself.

A change in yours and your children’s lives does not necessarily spell ruin. Your children will get used to the change as will your husband.
The worst thing you can do is to stay paralysed with indecision.
Pick one thing and do it, then go for a walk.
Rinse and repeat.

My aunt did what you did in a farming family for the sake of the children and everyone else.

Those children are adults now and confess that they lived their young lives with constant broken hearts, being aware of much more that anyone thought, witnessing the treatment of their mother but utterly powerless to help.

Thank you. I don’t think I can stay where I am now, I have to go back to England.
I’m not really in Ireland but I just didn’t want to be too outing. I’m in Scotland but the far north. There’s nothing here for me and it’s not easy being English here. I can’t do it any more, I’ve tried. If anyone who knows me reads this they’ll know it’s me, but I don’t care any more.

I am having counselling but she can’t advise me. I’ve tried reconnecting with friends from my old life but it’s been a long time and people move on, I can’t burden people I haven’t seen for years with this, they’d run a mile.
My parents are nice enough but if I told them about this it would become me supporting them through it. I’m not up to that.

It’s my own fault for coming here, but I loved my husband and I thought that was enough. It’s not.

I either move an hour away and at least escape from my in laws and keep some normality for the kids. Or move back to England and start my life again. I also don’t want to risk the children going to the in laws every week, they are awful people.

I am done waiting for H to wake up and realise what’s going on here, I can’t physically or mentally put myself through any more big talks with him. It’s sad, he will be devastated once we’ve gone.

I've written exactly the same sentence as you about ripping up everyone else's lives for the sake of my happiness. It's very hard to get past, and I haven't done it yet. But I have no doubts it's affecting your children more than you think. My parents were stably married and probably looked outwardly ok, but I knew their marriage wasn't happy and I used to wish they'd split up.

What would you want for your children? That they stayed miserable if they found themselves in a similar situation? Apart from this hopefully making it clearer that you are worthwhile, that's what you are teaching them you should do.

Ok then your husband is right to carry on as normal. As on one side you say you need to go, but when you’re told you can just do this, you argue basically you shouldn’t as you’d ruin everyone’s life’s.

of course you won’t ruin anyone’s lives. And of course the kids will be perfectly happy and adjust, and be back at the farm for weekends and holidays, maybe more.

but you need to hold firm to you decide what you wish to do. Then do it. But asking your husband to leave, threatening to leave them saying but I shouldn’t leave, shows your indecision.

Staying for really your own sake is a mistake of gargantuan proportions. Staying paralysed with indecision is not going to help you either.

It may well be that your children are wondering just why on earth you’ve stayed with their dad given how he’s behaved towards you and them. He’s not really present that much in their lives mentally or physically. You would not be ruining anyone’s lives, let alone the kids lives, by leaving and it could well be the making of your own.

Hello Seaside . I remember you from previous writings because you indeed wrote similar to the OP and I hope you do get out also. It will be a day of celebration. And your own self, like the Op, are worthwhile but you both have to believe that for your own selves. Self sacrificing yourselves on the altar of other peoples supposed happiness like you are doing now helps no one, least of all you.

It is not your fault for going there, actually. That thinking leads to depression.

At a younger age you made a pretty rational decision based on the knowledge you had at the time. That is all. Like everyone.

I know the north of Scotland and can imagine what you are saying.

DH will have to figure things out. It is make or break and he has agency and choice - even though I accept your point about his own upbringing having impact on that.

Going "back" might now be the best thing either. What about research on the friendliest places to live/happiest/best quality of life and so on.

Basically, start playing the film and put yourself in it. In your mind start trying things on for size.

Small steps.

The very best of luck - seriously. This is dead hard. But doable.

Going "back" might now be the best thing either.

Going back might NOT be the best thing either.

Going "back" might not be the best thing either. What about research on the friendliest places to live/happiest/best quality of life and so on.

I hasn’t considered this, thank you. If H is not coming with us then I can decide where to go I suppose.

It sounds tough but it doesn’t really sound much like a marriage - you said yourself that you hardly see him. So what’s the point? You are single anyway.

Don’t waste your life being miserable - you know what you need to do so just do it. Kids are flexible and you can’t stay in this situation on “what ifs”.

Good luck.

What work do you do and is it transferable to another area. Considering the DC's, where do they go to school? Do they have a long commute to get to school anyway? Are they at a good age to move, like about to start secondary?
You could move nearer their school and if it's in a town nearby,you'd have less isolation. Or, just bite the bullet and move to England.
It was foolish, especially of your DH, to build on land owned by his parents, and an odd thing to do given that they abused him in childhood. Get some legal advice, not sure anything can be done about the house so you might have to accept that as a lost cause. If there are joint savings due to DH earning well, then you will be entitled to half of it.
It doesn't look like your DH is taking it seriously and hopes ignoring it will make it go away. Expect to be the catalyst in this. While you are off, explore all avenues. North of England is cheaper, and friendly, so easier to set yourself up there I should think. It's going to be a lot of working behind the scenes, possibly best not to mention what you are up to if you dont want your in-laws sticking their oar in. Might be even best not to tip your DH off about plans until you are ready to go as he'd probably blab to his parents.