Desperate for help and advice, I don’t know what to do.

[MrsHelenHuntingdon]

I am currently signed off work with stress and depression, after just fighting on for a long time (too long).
It has been caused by things going on in my life, but I don’t know how to change things and there’s no one I can talk to about it. I would REALLY appreciate some outside views on this.

I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. He is a farmer’s son and has two siblings. I moved countries to live with him and when married I moved into a mobile home on the farm with him, where we lived for the next 4 years. We then saved and renovated a barn on the farm, spending around £100k. It does not belong to us and never will, but FIL promises we can live there forever….or until he falls out with us or changes his mind.

I live next door to my in laws and in ‘their’ house. To say that they have behaved appallingly towards me for the last 15 years would be an understatement. I won’t go into their behaviour as it would get too long, but they are very unpleasant people (all under a veneer of respectability). My husband had a very emotionally (and physically at times) abusive childhood at their hands, and is absolutely unable to deal with any kind of emotion as a result.
The IL’s and H’s sister have gone out of their way to make me feel unwelcome. H works away for long periods and during these times the IL’s have treated me very badly.

The area we live in is beautiful but very remote and very anti towards my nationality. I don’t want this to be too outing.
This has meant that I have really struggled to make friends or have any kind of life.
Everything is miles away, and the casual xenophobia here means that no one wants to know me beyond a hello. I’ve not struggled making friends before in my life but I am an absolute pariah here. It’s miserable.

I have brought up our children alone as H is a workaholic and rarely here. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I am just a shell of myself.

I have told H that this is an unbearable situation and we/I have to leave. He claims to love me and has half-heartedly looked at some houses, but he doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay on the farm, despite FIL saying he will leave it to the sister, H doesn’t seem to be able to cut the ties.

Whilst I’ve been off work he has basically just carried on with his own life as normal, with just fond wishes and hopes now and then that I’ll soon be ‘feeling better’ 🙄
He has done nothing to support me. He doesn’t even text me each day to ask how I am (he works every single day and is away Monday to Friday so I don’t see him that often).

I have laid it out to him in the clearest possible terms that I need more support, and that I need to leave this place. At the time he fully agrees and says he understands etc, he will do whatever it takes blah blah. Then goes back to just living his life.

I cannot go on like this. But what do I do?

I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have a counsellor who can’t advise me. My mum has her own issues and if I told her how things are would just cry.
My old friends I have mostly gradually lost touch with.
I don’t have any recent friends.

I need help.

Thank you

As others have said, you need to take the children and leave. Don’t put it off any longer. It’s shocking that your husband isn’t being more supportive after your breakdown. Decide where you want to live then find a rental property and move to it. Get the children into schools there. If you still want to make it work with your husband, he then has the choice to join you and maybe find a place in that area you both like, but somewhere far away from your in-laws. If he doesn’t join you, he’s chosen his parents over his wife and children, which is what he’s already doing effectively. Your situation sounds intolerable, you can’t live like that for much longer, you’ll destroy yourself. Your children need you to be a functioning mum, not the shell of a person you’ll become if you keep putting your needs aside. Good luck with it.

I was once advised to write a 5 year plan with what my life would look like. It didn’t include my dh. I suggest that may be helpful. A different situation to yours. But I made a gradual plan and I’m now free. It sounds like you care for your dh. Would having counselling together be an option? Your children could still have pony lessons without ponies and land if you have a different lifestyle. Good luck it will work out. Currently it sounds lonely. One step at a time.

Only you can end the cycle of your DH getting your hopes up and then letting you down. When you feel up to it make a concrete plan of what your goals are, what you want to achieve, what you want a typical happy day to look like, how will you spend your time, research where you will move to, what life will be like there, and all the necessary steps you need to take to make it happen. It will take time and decisions don’t need to be made immediately. Start visualising and listing what your life will be like and taking actionable steps to make it happen.

I think a really positive actionable step would be to speak to your GP immediately about some meds and keep up with the therapy, not for answers on changing your current lifestyle but on how to improve your mood and how you speak about yourself. You need to learn to be kind to yourself, how to forgive yourself and how to move on from the past. Once you take actions from a place of self love you’ll get to a place of peace and contentment. Focus on your health - eat well, sleep as much as you need to, gentle exercise, daily affirmations, a little meditation, medication if needed and planning for the future - don’t allow anyone to hold you back especially your husband and PIL, accept you can have a lovely life without them controlling you and you have the power to put it all in place. Don’t rush, but don’t stay stuck either.

Can you go stay with your parents for the summer holidays? You don’t have to say why to them. Say because DH works away you wanted company or something?

Why did you spend 100k converting a barn that you don't own and could be kicked out if fall out with your FIL?

If you were my daughter I would move heaven and earth to help you. Can you take the children to your parents for a holiday at the earliest opportunity. Get some rest. Get legal advice. Talk it through with your parents and make a plan. Don't waste any more of your life with this man and his parents.

Seriously? Clearly she was coerced/ bullied/ persuaded. She can't do anything about it now except leave, get support and legal advice.

Find an area you like and move! Find a house you like and put a deposit down, coordinate moving your stuff, inform your DH afterwards, don’t ask his opinion, just tell him you’ve left. Book horse riding lessons or help out with a new horse.

so what do you want in a new area? Countryside? Seaside? Work opportunities? City? Train access? More rest links? Where are your family and your friends? Where is he located?

I agree with@endofthelinefinally. OP, you need love, support and rest whilst you recover. If its possible take your childen and go and stay with your parents asap so they can help you get better. Then you will feel in a stronger position to make a decision on what to do.

We have ponies but they live on a local livery yard rather than at home. Is that not an option? Take the ponies and move them to a livery yard?

There a lot to unpack here OP. I definitely think you should look at getting a different medication for your depression, if the first one wasn't right. You also have to take them for a few weeks in order to get the benefit. Be kind to yourself and try to delay making any decisions until you have had a chance to recover for a couple of weeks/months.

You want to move but your partner is tied to the property. You mentioned he works away a lot. Does he not work on the family farm?

I can see why your partner would be reluctant to give up his home, family and employment (if he works in the farm).

If you husband works somewhere else could you look at moving closer to his work so that he can help more and you can spend more time together?

You could keep the points at the farm and go there at weekends? Do you have to care for them or could you get someone else to do it through the week?

Thank you very much for all your kind messages. It helps to not feel so alone.
I’ve started looking at what I could move to, which is also helping to make it feel real.

Op, honestly I think you should concentrate on getting well. Clinical depression is an illness and it is not environmental, so focus on your well being before making any major life decisions. 💐

Oh sweetheart I do feel for you, it sounds like you've tried so hard to make things work. I'm really glad you've reached out and don't feel so alone now. And you're NOT alone. Your husband seems content enough to just let things drift on and that will continue on unless you take action. That's the only thing that will change You've only got one life and you deserve to be happy. You really do! You've had some good suggestions on this thread, I can't add anything else, just wanted to help you feel a bit less alone and say that none of this is your fault and that you can be happy again. Hugs x

When I was in my 20s I suffered from severe depression and anxiety at times, controlled by medication. Once I left the going nowhere relationship I was in I never needed the meds again. The relationship continually made me feel unloved and uncared for. I thought I was the problem but it was the situation. A few years later I read about the crown Princess of Japan suffering terribly with her mental health as she hadn't produced a male heir. Legalisation change in Japan meant she didn't have to and her depression lifted. Sometimes it really is the situation causing the mental health decline. Get yourself out of there. I wouldn't swap my mother for 10 ponies.

If you are worried about how kids will cope could you consider somewhere more friendly in Scotland? I live in a friendly village near Edinburgh & have never had issues being English, there’s lots of cafes, summer clubs, book clubs etc for making friends. I did find the north more insular.

It sounds like you will have to bite the bullet and move - DP will either follow you or not. The kids will make new friends and might be helpful for them not having to adapt to a new school system? If not they can visit Dad & ponies.

If you have a lot of money rent somewhere else less remote.
You don't need four ponies.
You can drive back to see the ponies
You kids need a mum that's not depressed.

I completely understand.
Feel similar. But you need a life.
If you moved out. Could you do things with husband more? You'd be less depressed and he would build a relationship back with you.

Have you had the menopause?

How old are your kids?

Hello Op. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The thing that struck me was when you said you couldn’t even get off the couch to make a cup of tea. As someone with experience of it, it sounds like you’re suffering from quite a deep depression. Like others have said, you clearly need to remove yourself from the situation, and there are lots of good ideas offered,but before you can do that you need to deal with the depression which is paralysing you.

Antidepressants can help with this in the short term so you do need to see your GP and try to find one that doesn’t make you ill. You don’t have to take them forever, but they will take the edge off of the depression enough to enable you to begin to function again so you can plan a way out of the situation that has led to this breakdown. You deserve to be happy, and your health is the first thing you need at the moment.

Try to keep in contact on this thread because connection with others will also help with the depression, and there are people here who will support you and remind you of your value and the life you deserve, a life that includes recognition and fulfilment of your needs as well as that of your children. You’ve taken a first step by reaching out.

I wish you success and all the best. You deserve it.

I'm of the view that you need to move slowly here. Because you're completely overwhelmed.

I cannot stress enough how fantastic and strengthening a good counsellor is. A work therapist who can't ' offer advice ' sounds bloody useless!

Go online, find private female counsellors in your area. Older ones may be better but go by the feeling. Then arrange to start seeing one and talking through all your options, your feelings, everything. Not for discussion with husband. You are completely overwhelmed because there's no clear right answer here. A good counsellor should help you through all this. I also say slow down because making a big decision ref where to go isn't great whilst you're so emotionally and mentally battered.

Maybe if your husband saw you take assertive action, he'd listen and actually want to do something.

I have been exactly the same so I relate to the language you use, but you sound like a doormat. You are not btw, you're just absolutely broken. I've used the same language!! ' It's my fault ', feeling bad about the kids, worrying more about them than yourself. No!! You come first. Stuff the horses, and kind of stuff the kids! They'll blinmin survive if they have to move. You mentally might not if you don't put yourself blinking first here. Your in-laws, your husband and your kids are all doing what suits them and it's at your expense OP

It's time to get tough here. Stop putting yourself down and being the proverbial doormat to everyone! You deserve much better.

The main things to think about when you're ready to get away ( which I feel is essential) are i. How much help will I benefit from with kids and do I need to stay near the ex to offer me some time for myself,/ help

Ii. Will it be better for me to be somewhere much more diverse where I can feel less of an outsider and make good connections with people.

The above two need to come before your kids and your husband as far as I'm concerned. You've sacrificed enough ❤️

I've been in a similar situation OP, except my in-laws were not awful to me, so I can only imagine how low you are right now. How old are your DC? (roughly if you don't want to be too outing - preschool/primary/Secondary?) Regardless, you need to put your foot down and just move. I knew I would end up physically ill if I didn't take a stand and it was scary as anything, but after the best part of a decade of misery I pulled up my big girl pants and left.

It's promising that your H has said he'll move too, even if he hasn't followed through. You also say he's a kind man (though I question that tbh as it's the farthest thing from kind to let your wife suffer like this). Mine was not kind, and point blank refused to move from the family farm. He chose his dad over his children essentially. My DC were very early primary school so I took them and moved back to my home town.

You need to be clear with him that enough is enough and you are moving whether he comes with you or not. Forget the ponies - I tied myself in knots over our pets and being unable to take them to a rental/family's house etc. Yes they are beloved animals but they are animals OP; to be frank your health is more important, do not let that deter you.

Decide where you would be happiest to build a life and start putting the wheels in motion. It may be more practical to move to a Scottish city, like say Edinburgh, close to the border so you can go to England when needs be but also the DC could be closer to their dad should you separate?

However, if you are quite vulnerable (and it does sound like you are in need of support), then moving home to somewhere familiar, with people who care about you, may be the best option. You don't have to tell your mum everything - I didn't. But it can be great to have that person in your corner to help put you back together again.

Don't lose hope or waste anymore of your precious life. Start taking small steps in the direction you need to go. 💐

He’s away Monday to Friday and shows more loyalty to his parents who were abusive when he was growing up than he does to you, his wife, who they are horrible to. I think you have every right to leave and go where you want. Up to him if he wants to follow you to keep you. Life is too short to be treated like shit and expected to lap it up.

I’m sorry you’re so low OP.
You've been incredibly strong to tolerate this awful family and the isolation for so long.

You can clearly see now that this life isn’t for you. You don’t have to struggle through it any more.

You have made that decision. Which is actually very positive. And now you need to take the next steps to change the situation.

And thankfully you do have several options. Which is great. None has to be done straight away. But they could be done straight away if you wanted to.

Here are two:

1. Take the children to your parents for a week or two. Ask them to help you find a rental near them. Tell DH you lived by his parents all those years and now it’s fair you live by yours for a few years. DH has his own choices then.
2. Find a rental near enough and far enough from the farm. Pay 6 months rent in advance while you have access to money and move while DH is away one week. Tell DH that he previously agreed to this and that you couldn’t wait any longer. DH can either join you or he won’t. You’ll be near enough for him to come and see DC at weekends

You will be OK. Agree with PP consult GP to see what support you can get with MH.

Wishing you all the best.
💐