Desperate for help and advice, I don’t know what to do.

[MrsHelenHuntingdon]

I am currently signed off work with stress and depression, after just fighting on for a long time (too long).
It has been caused by things going on in my life, but I don’t know how to change things and there’s no one I can talk to about it. I would REALLY appreciate some outside views on this.

I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. He is a farmer’s son and has two siblings. I moved countries to live with him and when married I moved into a mobile home on the farm with him, where we lived for the next 4 years. We then saved and renovated a barn on the farm, spending around £100k. It does not belong to us and never will, but FIL promises we can live there forever….or until he falls out with us or changes his mind.

I live next door to my in laws and in ‘their’ house. To say that they have behaved appallingly towards me for the last 15 years would be an understatement. I won’t go into their behaviour as it would get too long, but they are very unpleasant people (all under a veneer of respectability). My husband had a very emotionally (and physically at times) abusive childhood at their hands, and is absolutely unable to deal with any kind of emotion as a result.
The IL’s and H’s sister have gone out of their way to make me feel unwelcome. H works away for long periods and during these times the IL’s have treated me very badly.

The area we live in is beautiful but very remote and very anti towards my nationality. I don’t want this to be too outing.
This has meant that I have really struggled to make friends or have any kind of life.
Everything is miles away, and the casual xenophobia here means that no one wants to know me beyond a hello. I’ve not struggled making friends before in my life but I am an absolute pariah here. It’s miserable.

I have brought up our children alone as H is a workaholic and rarely here. I am exhausted physically and mentally. I am just a shell of myself.

I have told H that this is an unbearable situation and we/I have to leave. He claims to love me and has half-heartedly looked at some houses, but he doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay on the farm, despite FIL saying he will leave it to the sister, H doesn’t seem to be able to cut the ties.

Whilst I’ve been off work he has basically just carried on with his own life as normal, with just fond wishes and hopes now and then that I’ll soon be ‘feeling better’ 🙄
He has done nothing to support me. He doesn’t even text me each day to ask how I am (he works every single day and is away Monday to Friday so I don’t see him that often).

I have laid it out to him in the clearest possible terms that I need more support, and that I need to leave this place. At the time he fully agrees and says he understands etc, he will do whatever it takes blah blah. Then goes back to just living his life.

I cannot go on like this. But what do I do?

I don’t have anyone to talk to. I have a counsellor who can’t advise me. My mum has her own issues and if I told her how things are would just cry.
My old friends I have mostly gradually lost touch with.
I don’t have any recent friends.

I need help.

Thank you

You've spent £100k on something not in your name! Gosh.

Honestly Id start planning to split up. It sounds like a miserable situation and your H is never going to support you the way you want him to. Am sure he will be sad about it but you've given him loads of time to change and stated your case. You deserve to be happy.

Get out, there's nothing for you where you are. It's not going to get better.
If the best reason you have for staying is the ponies - then you know you need to go. It won't be easy, but it will be better than staying where you are.
IT WILL GET BETTER.
But only if you pick yourself up and just do it. You know this, right?

I don’t know how I can do any of these things because I can’t even get off the sofa to make tea. I’ve just been lying down for hours. Before this I would never sit down in the day.

I’m just done. And no one is arsed about it. I have picked myself up and soldiered on so many times over the last few years but now I just can’t. I can’t even cry any more. I’ve absolutely run out of everything.

Op are you diagnosed with depression and medicated?

I couldn’t take the medication it made me ill.
I didn’t want to take it anyway because I wanted to be clear headed.
I was trying so hard to sort things out but I just can’t anymore.

Maybe I should try and take it again.

Yes I think so, as I think you’re describing symptoms of clinical depression. You do not need to be unwell. Mental illness like physical illness has treatments and cures and you’d not just suffer a physical illness.

and if I’m really honest you are obviously not clear headed, so not taking it isn’t working out for you.

And you can try different meds, call your doctor again.

I asked someone why they stayed for years in an unhappy relationship. Their answer was because they thought it would het better.

It seems that this situation is making you very unhappy, therefore only YOU can make the changes.

You need to make plans

I would ask yourself honestly if there is some element of you that is emotionally blackmailing your husband, and whether that’s why you appear so stuck. It would be understandable - to push more and more for him to leave with you, showing him that the current situation is literally destroying you. Understandable, but not fair. If you cannot tolerate the current situation, you need to leave, and you need to accept the damage that will do. You are putting up barriers to all the advice offered. I wonder if you can’t move forward because you are still hoping you will get your desired outcome - he acknowledges the awful situation he has put you in, and agrees to up sticks, leave everyone behind and start a new life elsewhere. But you can’t force that on him. You can only control your part, and that means either leaving, accepting that you will be seen as the agent of change, or staying and putting the bravest face you have on because that’s your choice to stay. What you are doing currently would seem to me to be destructive to you, him, and your kids; by taking action you may be amazed to find your energy and sense of self return to you. I hope this all turns out ok for you OP.

I hope I’m not.
He has agreed to leave, but then doesn’t. I get my hopes up for them to be dashed. Repeatedly. He wants to move but only to a farm, which we can’t afford. He has come on house viewings but vetoed them all.
So I desperately want to believe what he says, but I’m starting to think I need to instead believe what he does.

I have said many times that this life is unbearable and I’m leaving. So he says he will move too. So we start the search only for him to then lose interest or say we need longer to save. Then the cycle continues and repeats.

This is not unusual in farming families from what I've seen. I have a couple of friends who have married and moved in to a farm and have been very un-happy. Its can be very patriarchal, and very isolating. From what I've seen, it won't change I'm afraid.

I would make an appointment with your doctor, and possibly find a different counsellor. They should be helping you. Good luck.

Why can’t I just think clearly?? I always uses to be the clever and energetic one, I can’t even think. I don’t know what to do.
I just feel like if someone had just taken notice when I had cried for help, and actually helped me, I might have been ok. There must be something so fundamentally wrong with me that not even my husband can ask me how I am when I’m off work with severe depression.

I think it must be me

Oh God I just need someone to talk to 😢

Start the ball rolling to get out of there. Give your husband an ultimatum. Either you all move as a family or the marriage is over, and you are moving out, with the children.

OP quick wins-
do a list - even if it starts with get off sofa, have bath, take multi vitamins, clear table, put wash on and do the first couple. You’ll have achieved something.
write more on the list- wishes and things that you can do and start working towards them.
if you do nothing- nothing will change
you have to take charge bit work towards it
do something positive every day and start moving to your future.
your DH will never leave the farm- it’s all he knows.

Where do you see yourself in 2 years time OP? Go from there and make a plan

I can see from your posts how apprehensive and upset you are but you need to put yourself and your children first, you deserve to be happy. It seems scary now but once you make that first move and go you’ll be moving forward with your life in a direction you want to go in.

I think maybe for now you might need to just focus on your immediate wellbeing OP, you sound so very low I don't think trying to make any sort of decision is a good idea. For tonight you need to treat yourself as you would a best friend in crisis and do whatever comforts you and gives you a little peace and calm. Tomorrow you need to call your GP and get a same day/emergency appointment where you tell them exactly how you're feeling, that you're at crisis point and need some help. Make sure you tell them how the medication you already have made you feel and see if they can suggest something else.

The meds will obviously take a little time to start to work but ime you will feel a little better immediately just for having taken a positive step forwards. It gets easier then to keep taking steps and the right medication should make your head more clear, not less so you can feel able to make decisions again and start digging yourself out of the hole.

For tonight though, stop thinking about any of this, it's time to switch to survival mode and just focus on getting yourself through the next few hours until you can speak to your GP. Please take care of yourself OP, you really do sound worryingly low

Thank you for being kind. It means a lot.

The kids will see the ponies when they see their Dad. But you need to leave.

So are there any friends, family you can call to just come and get you out now? You need someone to look after you for a little while, at least. Don’t be shy about asking, you need this now

I agree with this, stop thinking anout anything other than getting healthy. That’s all you need to focus on right now. If you can’t do it for you. Do it for the kids.

You've been strong too long OP.

Your strength has run out but you can be strong for YOU.

You are very important to your children.

It's not you that's the problem, don't think that.

I’m so sorry for you. Can you call your GP tomorrow for an urgent appointment. Maybe you need new antidepressants. It does sound like you need to leave and start again. This is not a place you should stay. The children can still see the ponies and their dad. If you put yourself first you can regain strength. The situation you are living in is not fair and would damage anyone’s mental health. Be kind to yourself. You never know once you start again your husband may find he can leave the farm after all,