Affair 1 year on. Thought it would be easier by now?

[Ladybughoping]

I have name changed so I can be totally honest without worrying I’ve been recognised.

i had a thread on here last year about my marriage, where I discovered half way through DH was having an emotional affair and that’s why things were feeling off between us. Since then, we have both had a LOT of counselling both separately and together, and I ultimately decided to stay.

I uncovered a lot of other things at the time, DH has spent a lot of our savings (£80k) and had also cheated on me at the start of our relationship for the first few months when he was still (unbeknown to me) living with his ex when I thought he was working away. It basically was a lot of big and small betrayals, which I discovered all at once and completely destroyed my world.

DH has worked his ass off this year to try and “make things better” he’s had so much counselling which was very much outside his comfort zone initially, and has genuinely changed in behaviour in ways I would never have thought possible. He’s done and still does everything in his power to make me feel more comfortable (we only have 1 bank account now / find my location on phones / full access to phones and emails etc) I initially said I wasn’t staying, but our counsellor said if I wasn’t sure, then what would giving it 6 months hurt to see if we could work it out and DH could prove himself to me. I genuinely think he terrified himself thinking he would lose me and is now trying to get an A* in being a husband to make it better.

I love my husband, I want our marriage to work still, but I just feel so detached almost from our life. We have moved house, our marriage has probably never been better in that we are close, communicate better, and get on so well now. He’s trying SO hard to be the husband he used to be - he writes me love notes every day, he reassures me constantly, he’s trying to be as transparent as he can be at all times, but I just feel, I don’t know - lacking in energy about it all?

Im struggling with a lot of “this time last year” I thought X was happening but really it was Y. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, which is a sore spot as he was hospitalised last year and I sat sobbing worrying about him, and he was transferring her huge sums of money and sending her selfies.

My confidence is on the floor, I almost feel like I need to fall apart but I’m scared he will run a mile if I’m not pretty / nice / loving etc. He’s trying so hard to be romantic, and I feel like I need to throw myself into it because I want this, I want our marriage to work, but I also just feel detached and can’t be bothered.

Please try not to say LTB (though I would be screaming it at me too) as I genuinely want to try and make things better, but has anyone been through this? Is it normal to feel this way? Why do I have so little energy?! Can trauma response last this long? Sorry this is so long. It’s so hard to describe what it feels like!

DH has spent a lot of our savings (£80k) and had also cheated on me at the start of our relationship for the first few months when he was still (unbeknown to me) living with his ex when I thought he was working away.

Do you share kids?

If not, I would run like Usain Bolt.

Even with kids, my advice wouldn't be much different

I think people can fall into emotional affairs, but the cheating on and deceiving two women for an extended period of time, depicting himself and single when not, but above all the 80k ..... 80k????!!!!!

Hss he paid you back your share yet?

There are fundamental personality and integrity issues; I doubt cou selling will solve them. He is not a safe person.

You don't need to do anything. Effectively he's love bombing you after cheating on you. It's no wonder you feel confused. If you want to stay tell him to stop and that he needs to give you more time and space to come to things when you are ready. He's obviously distraught, fine, but you there is no conveyor belt back to how things were or a better place, nor are emotions linear.

And if that makes him feel bad, that he's tried so hard and not been able to make you happy yet, there's nothing much you can do about that, other than having counselling for yourself and working on yourself.

The energy may then come again, but it should never be pressured.

Edited to add - I'd also be very wary as to how this will play out over time too, as it sounds like the counsellor is propping up his ability to feel empathy and remorse for this actions. Your lack of energy may be your intuition and instinct that something isn't right.

And in practical terms, if you don’t want to celebrate your anniversary this year, tell him - and he should respect that.

I’m no psychologist but it seems to me that an affair is a betrayal - and we are naturally wary of people who betray us. It would be surprising if you had ‘got over it’ quickly.

You have the right to tell him what you do and what you don’t want. In my case, I would be off like a shot - because I know I could not get past what he’s done, and I wouldn’t want to spend my life trying to get past it.

Do you think you’ve actually stopped loving him?

He’s a serial cheater who stole money from you and now has to run about making up for it all the time. It’s like you have a dependant rather than a partner in life.

In your position all my respect for the man would be gone. Could your lack of energy be lack of being in love?

Have a week away to yourself or with friends and think about whether you want this marriage anymore.

Sorry you married an arsehole OP.

💐

OP, you could try being honest, with him and yourself. Fall apart if that's how you really feel.

You're not the one who did the betraying, why should you be "pretty / nice / loving etc" all the time? Anyway, by the sound of it that's a show, a sham, it's not authentic

How do you think he would behave towards the real you?

I think you have to be really and truly honest with him. If you feel like you can't fall apart/always have to be pretty, then I don't doubt you have issues with him and how you feel about him.
My MiL stayed with my FiL after an affair about 10 years ago. She still checks up on him to see what he's doing, doesn't fully trust him with money, tracking on phone etc. I'll be honest that it's not the life I would choose. I consider myself a very chilled out wife but cheating is one thing I couldn't see past because the trust is broken and you can fix it to a certain extent, but it will always have cracks.
I'm sorry I know you said you didn't want this, but in all honesty if you do want it to work, be honest. Be upset. Let it all out. Sat in a counsellors office is one thing but if he can't face up to the hurt he's caused you in real life at your home, does he really deserve you?

This is why it never pays to stay with a cheater.

don’t waste any more of your life on this OP. It sounds miserable and exhausting.

Hi OP, firstly I'm so sorry you are going through this,
Have you spoken to your therapist about how you are feeling? where is the expectation of things being easier after just one year coming from?

everyone is different, I don't think I will ever truly forgive and definitely never forget. I don't have nice memories from certain events any more because I know that I was naively happy when actually xyz was happening. I regret staying.
I think you will need more time to heal, Being lovebombed while trying to get over things must be making you even more confused and I think this is where this guilt over not being happy already is coming from.
Let yourself be sad, let yourself mourn your past relationship with your dp and only then if you decide you want to try to build new one. There is really no point trying to build a house on sand. Sending you lots of hugs

Honestly?
Tell him you need some time out to get your head straight. If he's serious, he'll give you time and space, and wait. Can you get away, to let yourself start to recover? What you are going through yourself sounds to (armchair amateur) me like a trauma response.

There’s so much to think about here.

The love bombing comment rings true - it’s like making his marriage work is his latest project and I know that’s an unsustainable energy. He keeps telling me I’m his life and he loves me, and I just keep thinking that you were telling me that last year, so how do I really know?

I think it feels a bit indulgent to be honest with him? Like to lose my shit and allow myself to fall apart now, over nothing, would be random and undeserved when everything over the last year has been hard but ultimately positive towards building a better us. It just never leaves me though? Our counsellor said I had to stop beating DH up for it, that if I chose to stay then I had to let it go, but I don’t know how to do that.

i keep reliving the moment I found out, some of the tiniest details hurt so much, but it doesn’t feel normal to be so stuck still after this amount of time?

The money situation is difficult. We made some really stupid (in hindsight) decisions because I thought we were a lot more comfortable then we really are. I’m scared every day now, because we can’t afford our current life with ease and I’m trying to maintain stability for the kids. DH was retired and has gone back to work, I’m trying to do bits but I need to be at home for the school runs and holidays as we have no support near us. I’m trying not to be resentful, but if we can’t afford X I’m mentally saying “yes, because you spent it on Y”.

i have lost all my friends over time and become so isolated. I love DH, but it all feels very hard at the moment.

"I almost feel like I need to fall apart but I’m scared he will run a mile if I’m not pretty / nice / loving etc."

OP, read your statement again. He cheated on you twice and gave one of his side pieces 80K of your savings, and you're afraid he will run a mile if you display the normal emotions that any woman would have in this situation. I know you don't want any LTB responses, but no man is worth this. LTB.

I think your counsellor was right OP, to get past an affair you need to either get on board or get out really. You either walk away or you choose to stay, but if you choose to stay then you have to leave it behind you, you can’t keep having the same conversations.

If you still feel this way then honestly I’d say you made the wrong choice in deciding to stay and it’s not too late to change your mind. I do think some relationships can recover from cheating but it does take a lot, it takes a certain kind of person who can truly move on from it and it sounds as though you are struggling to do that- which is totally understandable.

OP you mentioned 3 betrayals, which is the betrayal that is worst or is there an order?

At what point or year approx was the emotional affair? Are you sure nothing happened more than that?

What sort of things was the money spent on?

Could you work part time? Just to gain financial independence. there are holiday clubs etc

It really is ok to let the spinning plates fall and admit to yourself that your marriage has never and will never work.

The entire foundation of your relationship was built upon lies, deception and betrayals. There is no rebuilding this.

I want to start temping in September once school goes back. I figure I could wrangle October half term, then do a long run up till Xmas on a contract. I’d love to do something working from home, but we live really rurally and our only internet if from a mobile router so it’s slow. I do think I need some financial independence though, I feel a bit trapped right now which isn’t helping!

im not ignoring everyone else by the way, I’m just going over responses and it’s obviously upsetting and making me think.

thank you all though, even if I don’t want to hear it, it’s useful to know I’m not going insane over here

This has really made me think - mostly because my first reaction was that there’s been so many more than 3, but I can’t tell you all them because then everyone will say to definitely leave. I think that’s why I’m so isolated, because I can’t tell my friends things that have happened because they are building up a picture that I don’t want them to have. But I guess I’m living with that picture even if I’m not saying it out loud.

God this is so hard. I want things to work so badly.

I feel like DH is also semi building a case for himself if things fall apart, he keeps saying “but I’m doing everything right and I’m trying so hard” and it’s almost like I’m being manoeuvred into being the bad guy for that not being enough.

i feel disloyal saying that, because he is truly trying so hard, but part of me wonders if it is for him and not for me.

He wouldn’t have to be ‘trying hard’ if he hadn’t cheated in the first place.

please listen to your gut on this one. It’s broken. He broke it. You seem to scared to face up to that, but it sounds depressing and miserable.

to be honest I think how you feel is totally normal and I think anyone who ‘moves on’ and ‘gets over it’ whilst staying with their betraying, lying, disrespectful spouse, is just in denial.

List them, get our input.
We all have different perspectives but most of us on this thread are women in relationships or have been.

I am scared - I’m terrified. I want this so badly, and I don’t think it might be possible, and I don’t know what that looks like in reality. And then it’s like I say that sentence, and all my brain is screaming is “but I want my marriage”.

Honestly, thank you all for replying, I’ve got so much to think about

Sadly, I think this is it. I spent so long trying to get over my exes betrayal of me, but I just kept going over and over the tiniest details in my head for months on end. It made me physically and mentally unwell.

What really stands out to me on all your replies here is you're still putting yourself last.
You're scared to be honest because he's trying so hard. You're worried about going back to work even though you feel trapped.
Please don't let him feed you a rhetoric of 'but look how well I've done, I've tried so hard' because he also cheated on you and blew life savings, and that doesn't deserve that reaction.
To put it in context, I'm a recently diagnosed coeliac and my DH will come home with dinner that he's going to cook....but I can't eat it even though he thought I could. THAT is the type of things that deserves an 'oh he's trying' response, but what your DH has put you through is so massive. Bottling these feelings up is never good either as they won't go away.

You can have your marriage. It just won’t be the ‘in love’ type. You could accept that.

He broke and ruined it, this cannot be fixed without memory loss or a time machine. Betrayal and a truly happy marriage cannot go together, they don’t mix. You, I am sorry to say are doing the childish thing of saying but I want it, why can’t have it. You cannot it is just not possible, but it isn’t the end of the world either. It’s pretty common and hidden, to just carry on feeling different now about him.