Affair 1 year on. Thought it would be easier by now?

[Ladybughoping]

I have name changed so I can be totally honest without worrying I’ve been recognised.

i had a thread on here last year about my marriage, where I discovered half way through DH was having an emotional affair and that’s why things were feeling off between us. Since then, we have both had a LOT of counselling both separately and together, and I ultimately decided to stay.

I uncovered a lot of other things at the time, DH has spent a lot of our savings (£80k) and had also cheated on me at the start of our relationship for the first few months when he was still (unbeknown to me) living with his ex when I thought he was working away. It basically was a lot of big and small betrayals, which I discovered all at once and completely destroyed my world.

DH has worked his ass off this year to try and “make things better” he’s had so much counselling which was very much outside his comfort zone initially, and has genuinely changed in behaviour in ways I would never have thought possible. He’s done and still does everything in his power to make me feel more comfortable (we only have 1 bank account now / find my location on phones / full access to phones and emails etc) I initially said I wasn’t staying, but our counsellor said if I wasn’t sure, then what would giving it 6 months hurt to see if we could work it out and DH could prove himself to me. I genuinely think he terrified himself thinking he would lose me and is now trying to get an A* in being a husband to make it better.

I love my husband, I want our marriage to work still, but I just feel so detached almost from our life. We have moved house, our marriage has probably never been better in that we are close, communicate better, and get on so well now. He’s trying SO hard to be the husband he used to be - he writes me love notes every day, he reassures me constantly, he’s trying to be as transparent as he can be at all times, but I just feel, I don’t know - lacking in energy about it all?

Im struggling with a lot of “this time last year” I thought X was happening but really it was Y. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, which is a sore spot as he was hospitalised last year and I sat sobbing worrying about him, and he was transferring her huge sums of money and sending her selfies.

My confidence is on the floor, I almost feel like I need to fall apart but I’m scared he will run a mile if I’m not pretty / nice / loving etc. He’s trying so hard to be romantic, and I feel like I need to throw myself into it because I want this, I want our marriage to work, but I also just feel detached and can’t be bothered.

Please try not to say LTB (though I would be screaming it at me too) as I genuinely want to try and make things better, but has anyone been through this? Is it normal to feel this way? Why do I have so little energy?! Can trauma response last this long? Sorry this is so long. It’s so hard to describe what it feels like!

I think you have to let yourself feel what you feel. You’re still trying to paper over your feelings. No winder you feel detached and walking through the motions.

i think it’s also very telling that you can’t bring yourself to tell your friends (truthfully) what has been happening. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Get it out on the table. See how your friends react to the unvarnished truth.

Get some better broadband and get a plan together for working - that sounds really important.

I don't know what if not LTB.
I couldn't stay with him.

Imagine thieving £80,000 off your wife and kids, repeatedly cheating, and then expecting your wife to want you. What an irredeemable scumbag of a man.
How are you not viscerally repulsed by him?
I hope you learn to value yourself and love yourself. No one deserves such an appalling man as that.

Your friends can see him for a man he is, not the man you want him to be.

Leave and start to rebuild.

He has betrayed your trust repeatedly. He made you the OW. He cheated on you emotionally, physically and financially. He's a liar. He's a cheat. He has shown you exactly who he is. This is not love. This is not a partnership. What about this marriage do you want to save? I reckon it's the idea you had in your head of what the marriage could/ should be that you want. Unfortunately that's not the reality of your situation. It's a fantasy. Realistically, he's been dishonest and disloyal and you'll always be looking over you shoulder.and waiting for it to happen again which it undoubtedly will. It's just a matter of time.

My h had an affair. I stayed. Nine years later I'm divorcing him. The affair is not relevant but if I'd have left then then what has happened wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be feeling as I am now, nor would I be as poorly.

For a timeline for you, I spent five years in shock then another two where I started to feel like I was coming out of it and I felt like we'd be okay. But it was more hopeful than reality I think.

I felt I did more to try and make things right than he did. It's in his favour your h is doing so much but you have to listen to your head and your heart and just because you've not left yet doesn't mean you can't.

I have been having therapy for over a year and while I think I would have left anyway I doubt it would have been when it was.

Focus on you and what you want. Not on what he is doing now.

Why do you want it to work so badly?

What is it you want?

You can't go back, or have the faithful loving man you thought you had. So think, what do you want, what are you fighting for so badly, as it has to be realistic and real otherwise you're beating a dead horse.

I actually feel really sad for you reading all that. You sound like you’re almost harder on yourself than you are on him in some ways.

It sounds to me like you’ve tried and are trying. I don’t know your husband’s side of things but it does seem a bit like love bombing and there could be multiple motivations for him to do that, including making himself look better if/when he leaves.

From my own perspective, what I’d say is that sometimes you don’t realise that actually what has happened is that you’ve fallen out of love. It can be really hard to see when you’re in the midst of everything and relationships are so wrapped up in other commitments like family etc. Try to honestly work out if you’re still in love (and all the things that love means to you like trust, care, loyalty, etc) and if you aren’t then maybe think about a future without him cos life is short and you deserve some happiness

I decided to stay after my husband had an emotional affair. I felt like something was off with him after we got married and I kept asking what was wrong. I then confronted him and asked if there was someone else and he confidently denied it.
5 months later I found the messages and was broken. It ruined me completely. The difference is this was his main betrayal. There wasn’t anything physical going on and he didn’t send her anything in regards of money and gifts.

He broke contact with her, he blocked her everywhere and didn’t contact her again. She tried multiple times
to get in touch and he was honest everytime she did.
We went to therapy and talked about our lives. He admitted his fault to everyone which I was embarrassed about but now thankful for as I then got a lot of support from family and friends.

I truly hated myself because I chose to stay. I felt like I let myself down. I’d always have told people to leave in that situation but when it’s your real life it’s not that easy.
I had to go to therapy to support myself. I was so broken. I hated him and hated myself more. My confidence was ruined, I felt so insecure about my looks and my personality. I decided to take a break to clear my head and decide what I wanted in life. 6 years later and we have moved on. We have a family together and are a lot stronger. Everyone will say I’m naive but I don’t believe he would do it again as he has far more to lose now.

It wasn’t an easy journey and I had to pick myself up front rock bottom.

I think you need to take some time to yourself. You’re barely holding on and heading for a breakdown. Please reach out to old friends and ask for support. It will make it even more real but real life support is necessary.

I agree with this, OP.

You seem to have terribly low self esteem.

You're worth more than this.

You're conflicted because you're just waiting for it all to go tits up again, as it inevitably will.

I couldn't get past one affair, never mind several.

And as for spending 80k on another woman - words fail me.

I know you don't want to hear this, but LTB is the only way forward now.

Op I think if you've agreed to stay and give it another go and he's changed (genuinely) and you're seeing that change then give yourself permission to let the past go. You haven't said too much about his explanation for the past but I'm going to base it on the fact you must know it all by now. If you love him and you do believe he's changed then don't picture this time last year... because this time last year your husband was someone else and now he's the person you want and need him to be, and you're probably not the same person either, your probably stronger and not naive to the signs... if you see he's slipping back.. you'll be well aware this time what that means. Good luck Op. Wishing you all the best.

If you really want to stay with him and make it work , sounds like you do. It takes longer than a year which is why you're still hurting so much. I stayed after cheating and it took just over two years for me to stop thinking about it all the time , and the rawness to go.
Completely get what you mean with the anniversaries as well. So your not out of the woods yet basically. Absolutely not condoning any of his behaviour btw.

A year is nothing to get over betrayal trauma.

I’m 2 years out (18m separated) and I was in such a bad place this time last year. Some say it takes 2-5 years to get over it, and longer if you stay.

It sounds like he’s putting a lot of pressure on you to “get over it” without actually saying as much.

I hope this does not read as flippant @Ladybughoping but your recovery will take longer than a year. You have betrayal PTSD. Without proper help and processing, PTSD can last a lifetime.

Do you want to stay for the family unit, the lifestyle, the life you wanted or do you want to stay because you love him?

I couldn’t forgive an affair so I am not going to comment on how long that will take to get over, I will point out though that there is no obligation to stay just because it’s been a year. It’s ok to say, I tried but this hasn’t worked for me.

You said you have been going to marriage counselling but have you had your own therapist? I really think it would help to have someone who doesn't hear how it is from him.

Just asking was your DH a victim of fraud? How did he end up giving away £80k? I wonder if there is a criminal case to answer as that is a huge gift!

You are so, so, so forgiving. Each of the fucking awful things he has done to you would be more than enough to have made me kick him out set him in fire but you’ve not only forgiven him, but you’re falling all over yourself to protect his feelings.

I think you need more individual therapy. You need to live in a world where you’re not too afraid to call him on anything in case he fucks off and shags another woman or spends all your money.

I think saying you love someone is a fall back. Perhaps you love the idea of him and marriage and a secure family unit but actually when push comes to shove, you no longer love him because of what he has done. You have tried and ultimately it’s not worked as you still feel like this over it. Up to you but I think what he did was scandalous and now he is love bombing you. He is obviously good at that and probably used the same technique with his affair partners.

I'm wondering why what he's done isn't enough for you to stop loving him? What has happened in your life that you think you have to stay and do all you are doing ? Believe me I'm not judging. I stayed after my STBEH had an affair and it wasn't all for the kids but then he said something that was like a switch and my love disappeared. When you don't love someone anymore it is easy to walk away. Or easier for those that might argue.

You need therapy. Urgently. I have an excellent therapist and it got me to the point where I knew I was done.

Please get some therapy, not couples therapy, therapy on your own.

And do start building up your finances, get that job etc.

I actually don't rush to say LTB, but I think you at least need to start to get yourself in a position where you have that choice.

And do not worry about the children, they can thrive in separated homes too. You only have one life, don't live it unhappily

If you want good advice I would suggest you look at other forums. A lot of people on here say to LTB if their DH doesn't help round the house so I would not imagine they will think openly about this.

There is strong advice out there if you search for support.

It can be done (if he's put in the work) but 1 year is super early days so no wonder you feel like this x

Sorry I'll just add by saying that the above replies do give some sound advice so please don't think my comment applies to people on this thread x

I've been there OP- emotional affair too discovered a long time after it happened-(11 years after) - for the first year I was in shock - I thought about it every single night -would personally have liked to cut a finger off him with a rusty blade- I felt 'that' vindictive and my options didn't look great to leave either. I still cared, but actually I think hated him deep down -7 years on the hate went and I no longer feel vindictive , we have a decent life and I still care but I've never 100% felt quite the same - it's a different kind of marriage. he did and said all the right things too - but sometimes 'sorry' isn't enough. I've realised one thing about myself- I'm not particularly the forgive and forget kind of person I really thought I was- I would think hard on this as it's very hard to ever feel 100% the same. If I had better options and was younger in hindsight I would I think have ended it.

He’s trying SO hard to be the husband he used to be

This stood out for me. He can 'try' all he likes, but you can't ever change the past. You will always know that he cheated on you. You will always know about the betrayal and the lies and the ridiculous amount of money he spent on another woman.

It doesn't matter what he does. That will always be there. It's like smashing a treasured and valuable vase onto the floor and then gluing it back together. You'll always see where it was repaired - and it will always be worth 'less' than it was.

There is nothing he can do that will ever make it better. Your life will always be a little bit shittier than it could have been, because this knowledge will always be there.