Affair 1 year on. Thought it would be easier by now?

[Ladybughoping]

I have name changed so I can be totally honest without worrying I’ve been recognised.

i had a thread on here last year about my marriage, where I discovered half way through DH was having an emotional affair and that’s why things were feeling off between us. Since then, we have both had a LOT of counselling both separately and together, and I ultimately decided to stay.

I uncovered a lot of other things at the time, DH has spent a lot of our savings (£80k) and had also cheated on me at the start of our relationship for the first few months when he was still (unbeknown to me) living with his ex when I thought he was working away. It basically was a lot of big and small betrayals, which I discovered all at once and completely destroyed my world.

DH has worked his ass off this year to try and “make things better” he’s had so much counselling which was very much outside his comfort zone initially, and has genuinely changed in behaviour in ways I would never have thought possible. He’s done and still does everything in his power to make me feel more comfortable (we only have 1 bank account now / find my location on phones / full access to phones and emails etc) I initially said I wasn’t staying, but our counsellor said if I wasn’t sure, then what would giving it 6 months hurt to see if we could work it out and DH could prove himself to me. I genuinely think he terrified himself thinking he would lose me and is now trying to get an A* in being a husband to make it better.

I love my husband, I want our marriage to work still, but I just feel so detached almost from our life. We have moved house, our marriage has probably never been better in that we are close, communicate better, and get on so well now. He’s trying SO hard to be the husband he used to be - he writes me love notes every day, he reassures me constantly, he’s trying to be as transparent as he can be at all times, but I just feel, I don’t know - lacking in energy about it all?

Im struggling with a lot of “this time last year” I thought X was happening but really it was Y. Our wedding anniversary is coming up, which is a sore spot as he was hospitalised last year and I sat sobbing worrying about him, and he was transferring her huge sums of money and sending her selfies.

My confidence is on the floor, I almost feel like I need to fall apart but I’m scared he will run a mile if I’m not pretty / nice / loving etc. He’s trying so hard to be romantic, and I feel like I need to throw myself into it because I want this, I want our marriage to work, but I also just feel detached and can’t be bothered.

Please try not to say LTB (though I would be screaming it at me too) as I genuinely want to try and make things better, but has anyone been through this? Is it normal to feel this way? Why do I have so little energy?! Can trauma response last this long? Sorry this is so long. It’s so hard to describe what it feels like!

Sounds like betraying yourself by staying with him, and deep down you know it. The damage is done and all the love notes in the world can't make your mind or body forget what's happened, even if you act if it's ok on superficial level. You will likely make yourself ill if you stay, that gnawing doubt won't go away. When you eventually leave him (you'll have to at some point his love bombing won't last forever) you will feel so free.

Sorry
He broke you and you're still there ?
When you have sex do you enjoy it or does that feel like sex with z liar znd z cheat?

You know what you have to do.

@Doubledded123 I understand that- I literally clamped up!

I think what you feel is perfectly normal given the enormous betrayals you've experienced. Try and take the pressure off yourself to 'get over it' and realise that it's a work in progress. Be honest with your husband about how you're feeling. Your feelings are valid. Can you continue with your own counselling? I think you probably still have a lot of anger to work through and it won't help to suppress it. Also, work on having more of a life of your own outside the relationship - it's good to go out with friends, spend time doing nice things just for you - walking/running/gym/yoga. Tell your husband what you need and what makes you uncomfortable (the love notes etc are all a bit too try-hard) be assertive about your needs - you don't have to be nice and accommodating if you're not feeling it.

When you say you want your marriage - which one do you mean?
The one where he was cheating and lying?
The one you are in now?
An earlier time in your marriage?

Is it the institution of your marriage that you want ? Two parents and kids? Is it the financial safety net of it?

This is sad. I can relate to your feelings as you describe them. When I found out about my STBXHs creepy behaviour (which wasn't even close to what you've experienced) the feelings lasted for about three years until I eventually had to leave for my well being and self respect.

The trust is irrevocably broken and you simply can't get over a thing like that without permanently detaching yourself in some way. It cracks the foundation and everything built on top of those foundations is forever unstable IMO.

I know how desperately you want it to work but it's too late. It can't work because he has disrespected your relationship in a myriad of ways - there is no real relationship OP, it's like a mirage of a relationship.

I initially said I wasn’t staying, but our counsellor said if I wasn’t sure, then what would giving it 6 months hurt to see if we could work it out and DH could prove himself to me.

Also, if this is "therapy" then I'm never setting foot inside a therapist's door. Trampling on women's boundaries and making them second guess leaving damaging, hopeless men should be criminal!

there’s been so many more than 3, but I can’t tell you all them because then everyone will say to definitely leave.

So there's been even worse betrayals than cheating early on, having a recent emotional affair and spending 80k of your saving?

I love my husband, I want our marriage to work still, but I just feel so detached almost from our life.

I'm not surprised you feel detached from your life.
Who IS your husband exactly?

He was betraying you since early on and you didn't know that side of him. He was betraying you very recently and you didn't know that side of him. Have the betrayals went on through your entire relationship and marriage?

The way he's been for the past year isn't the real him either, this is him in crisis mode, throwing everything at this to get past the crisis.

i feel disloyal saying that, because he is truly trying so hard, but part of me wonders if it is for him and not for me.

Of course a lot of it is for him. If it were the other way around and you had betrayed your husband like that then you could change all you wanted but what would you be offering him really? A life where he can never trust you again, one that's tainted with sadness and pain.

The big problem is that what you want doesn't exist. You desperately want the marriage that you thought you had. What you now need to work out is if you want the one you actually have now. Unfortunately I think you already know the answer to that.

I just think one of the saddest thinks about your OP was where talk about how low your confidence is . How you feel so much pressure to always look/ be at your best because you are terrified you will not be good enough for him. It's as though you have turned his bad behaviour into somehow being your fault.
It seems neither of you are being natural with each other. You are both role playing.
It sounds like a stressful way to live.

No decent counsellor should be advising you to stay with him. Ime some toxic people go to counselling and rather than truly improve themselves they find a load of therapy speak to justify their behaviour and blame others. Some almost get addicted to the therapy for the attention and focus on talking about themselves "me, me, me".

With his history of cheating it sounds like he needs a lot of attention and validation, he's currently getting this in spades from the counselling but what about when that stops?

Maybe some time apart would help?

Firstly it sounds as if the therapist/counsellor overstepped a boundary when suggesting you give it six months - that was none of their business

I could not forgive him I’m afraid- every time I saw his face I would be thinking
where is my £80,000

I agree with this. I went back to a cheater after listening to family, including my own, telling me to give him another chance which I did ignoring my own gut instinct (never again).

I had rented a place of my own and then moved back in together after his six month 'trial' during which he was acting as the perfect partner and somehow got me feeling sorry for him with his puppy dog eyes, apologies and remorse.

Of course as soon as I moved back in he immediately started having an affair with a woman he worked with! Lesson learned the hard way.

However, I am glad I did give it that second chance otherwise I might have always wondered 'what if'. After that discovery it was bye bye forever.

You have given him this second chance, if it is not working for you then it is not working. Daily love notes don't make up for the extent of his betrayal.

Also, is he doing all this for you? For him? Or to impress the counsellor (is she female?)

You mention your DC . How old are they are how are they ? They must sense that Mummy isn’t happy . Is he a “ brilliant Dad” ( which is what MN posters seem to think if Dad reads them a story).
Witjout sounding horrible , why are you so desperate to stay with someone who has behaved so badly towards you ? And why do you feel YOU have to always look pretty and happy ?
Where is your family ? If you were my daughter ( I have 2 adult DDs) I would hate to think you were so unhappy.

Does he keeps talking about how hard he's trying? Is he unaware that he's in a situation if his making. Does he show any signs of responsibility for the situation? It doesn't sound like it and love bombing his way through the carnage. I get technically what the councillor is saying about you need to let it go if you stay but I also think they are wtong. There's clearly more to resolve if you feel this way and can't be wiped under the carpet

You say that you and your DH had counselling separately and together - did you have individual counselling or just him? Either way, I really think that it would be worth you seeing a therapist on your own. You clearly need somewhere safe to open up and fall apart if necessary.

The counsellor sounds awful OP, she shouldn't be telling you what you need/should do. She shouldn't be persuading you to stay if you're not sure you want to. This is all very wrong IMO. She should be enabling you to come to your own conclusions that feel right for you. Is the counsellor with BACP? Be aware that you staying together means lots of counselling for you both and more money for her....

I would say OP you need to give yourself 3 years to come to terms with an affair/huge betrayal in a long term marriage like this. And he needs to be willing to go over and over and over everything until you don't need to hear it anymore and are ready to move on. That is the consequence of his affair. I disagree 100% that you just need to somehow 'let it go and move on'. If you're not ready to let it go then you won't be able to let it go - and if he doesn't like it or doesn't want to put the work in then he can leave. If you just try to bury those feeling to make it work then you will always carry that resentment around.

OP has disappeared, but I can't wrap my head around the contempt this vile man has for her and his kids.

Aside from the immoral lying, shagging about, STD risks, failing as a husband and father, how can you not think 'EIGHTY THOUSAND POUNDS' every time you look at him? That's life-changing. Your kids university costs, a mortgage paid off, your entire life savings spunked away.
And he just acts a bit soppy for a while and that's fine. 🤢

I think you need a trial separation. If he's so sensitive he will agree.

I agree with @ActualChips here - what a bum this man is, I would want to hit him with a frying pan. Never mind the infidelity, £80k holy shit!

You are trying to choke down betrayal after betrayal and criticising yourself for not being able to get over it and thinking you need to be perfect in case he legs it again.

Maybe it’s so busted it cannot be fixed…?

Sounds like a shit therapist.
OP also said

Our counsellor said I had to stop beating DH up for it, that if I chose to stay then I had to let it go, but I don’t know how to do that.

I understand that that tends to be the advice for couples who want to move forward but it's only been a year after multiple betrayals, does the therapist think the OP can just flick a switch and say 'ok it's forgotten about'. The therapist shouldn't be framing this like the OP is doing something wrong that she needs to stop doing.

I hope no one minds me coming back, but I really could do with some one to talk too.

I asked him to leave and he went about an hour ago. I’m devastated, have that sick feeling in my
stomach. Ive just told our son he’s gone to a hotel for a few days and the poor bugger didn’t even say anything, he just gave me a hug. He knows too much.

i need to stay strong and busy. I’m so financially fucked, I miss him already. Help me keep strong and get through these next few hours please. I don’t have many friends any more so there’s no one I can call in real life really.

Aww @Ladybughoping I’m sorry it’s come to this but you need to do the right thing for you and your son.

What are your plans for this evening, you need to keep yourself busy and focussed!

Actually, OP – I think you have been badly let down by your counsellor who seems to have had a very simplistic approach. The time for the "if you decide to stay, you've got to let this go and move on" message is not in the immediate aftermath of all the discoveries you have made or even after the first year – it might become appropriate if you had decided to stay but, 3 or 4 years later, you were still rehashing the past with your husband. It's hugely premature to be saying anything like that even now.

These are massive betrayals by your husband. I mean spending £80k of your shared savings on another woman – I just don't see how you come back from that. There is certainly no way you can be expected to have recovered after 1 year. And the fact that you feel isolated and have no friends because you didn't want to tell them about everything he was doing wrong – that really was a warning sign that he was a bad partner to have. And after he's put you through all this – you worry about not being nice or pretty enough for him!? I'm wondering what you learnt about relationships growing up because it sounds like the messages were desperately unhealthy: were you taught it's the woman's job to pander to the man – to always put him first and always put herself last? To always please the man?

It's way too soon to be talking about moving on and letting go of the past. And you can't force yourself to feel what you don't feel. You can change your mind. You can say that you thought staying was right for you but you realise it isn’t.

Your detachment is your heart trying to protect you after all the devastating discoveries you have made. Your feelings may never come back. In fact, I hope they don’t because your husband has shown himself to be totally untrustworthy.

Start focussing on yourself a bit – reach out to old friends; I'm sure at least some of them would welcome you back. Do you have any interests outside family activities? Stop worrying about how your husband feels. Sod him and his performative professions of love. He needs to back off and you need space to find yourself again.

Everything Dery said above. Your posts have really struck me Ladybug. You sound so hurt.

Try and build up your support network because you need one. As Dery said, see if you can get back your friends - you can be honest with them now. You don't have to give every sordid detail, but you can be more open with them.

Assuming ex dh will have the kids at times, try and make it regular so that you can get out to classes/meet ups/ whatever it is that you like doing.

Above all, treat yourself kindly. Nurture yourself. You will get there in the end. Believe that there will be a time when you won't miss him and you will laugh, smile and genuinely enjoy your life again. Best of luck.