No sex. Is it over?

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Have a great relationship with my husband in every area apart from sex. He’s loving, kind, supportive, funny, interesting and we are very close. Best friends.
But physically it’s not there. He has some problems with ED for as long as I’ve known him, I’ve been very patient but nothing is getting better and it’s been about 10 years of no / very bad sex.
I love him and I love our life but I’m finding myself very low because I’m missing such a big part of a relationship and I feel like I’m wasting my younger years. We tried again the other night and it was just awful, we both agreed it wasn’t working. He says he’s still very attracted to me but unfortunately i don’t feel the same as I did. I can’t see a way forward that doesn’t involve divorce. Which I really don’t think either of us want. I’d love to hear what people in my situation would do. We have no kids.

Did you read the op or any of her later posts 🤔

You have already done that and he hasn’t, you don’t have kids. He isn’t the only nice man in the world you know. You are in your absolute prime at this age. You are wasting your life. You can even still stay friends if you want after. There are men out there who you will get on with equally as well but who want to shag you ! It’s a no brainer for me this one.

Unless you go to the doctors with him you can’t be 100 percent sure he’s actually gone

but basically he’s happy with no sex for whatever reason and shuts you down when you want to talk about it

he really dosent give a shit about you and your feelings because he’s happy with his life and your the one rocking the boat

It won’t change because he is selfish

So you've had bad or no sex from age 24-34? Oof.

Without being too blunt, it gets harder - much harder - to find a good partner the older you get.

Lots of my friends who have found themselves single in their mid 40s aren't having any more sex than you. Thin pickings.

Get out there and get some while you still can!

You could get a boyfriend on the side for sex. He might agree to that. I'd go to couples counselling to discuss

You've tried being kind, heck you've tried for 10 years softly, and it's got you nowhere. Isn't it about time for tough talk? Either you get help or we are splitting up. He needs serious shock treatment, he's done FA about it for years. The only thing I suspect he's right on is that it's mental. He sounds quite reserved and prudish around sex. He's also got poor attitude around it. Him not doing things so that you cum it outrageous, any normal person gets off on the other person's pleasure, not begrudge it. Did he ever tell you what he wanted you to do? Did you try things on him and get no response? He refuses to do things that get you excited because of what exactly? Does he only think piv is what should excite him? How does he react to a BJ ? Does he still have ED to that. Its not your problem that he's jealous about you being able to enjoy things while he doesn't. If he doesn't, maybe he is gay or asexual. Either way, if he won't talk to you about it, he should talk to someone else, if he refuses, you say you are done.

It's over OP and you know it. You may love him but as a family member. If you have no sexual desire for him and yet your sex drive is still strong and you couldn't give two hoots if he shags someone else then the romantic part of your relationship is over.

I also think he's acting appallingly by not communicating with you about it.

I think ten years of little or no sex morphs the relationship into the friend zone and I'm not sure you can come back from it. Live your life OP. Good luck.

This is exactly what I was thinking.

OP, this is your window of opportunity. It really dries up out there after 40.

It's really sad, but I don't think you can call what you have a relationship any longer. You're just living with someone you get on well with. I'm sure there is much more out there in life for you.

I don’t know how you haven’t gone mad.
Between 33 to about 37 my hormones were raging and I was constantly ‘on ’. This would have driven me mad.

You've wasted 10 years on poor sex with a man who won’t even meet you halfway. This is no life to live. He can’t be that wonderful if he’s so selfish and pigheaded about something that can be fixed handled creatively.

Viagra?

Maybe make an appointment with the GP - for both of you?

Hi, I feel for you OP. I'm 49, I've been married for 17 years. I think my situation might be different to yours as I want sex constantly but not with him, it's all I think about, but my OH and I are not doing it. He says he still wants to but I don't believe him as we never get around to it and I feel like I'm cracking up. We have a youngish child and the guilt and stress I feel about separating is off the scale. I feel at risk of an affair which is not something I want to do so I feel like I need to get out now, but I also feel like I'm putting my needs above everyone else in my family. My OH is also my best friend, and I've no idea if I'd ever meet anyone again, but I'm really lonely without intimacy. We have pecks on the lips and cuddles but nothing more than that. He won't do any counselling. I hope you're doing okay and can work this out.

Sexless marriages are pretty common unfortunately. If the two spouses are fine with no sex it’s not a problem, unfortunately this is not the case and it will totally undermine the other partners self esteem. This is a huge problem that destroys couples. If one thinks that he/she can just withdrew sex from his/her partner and it will all be fine and dandy …. Wrong!

I would be putting a deadline on this, either we go to the doctor together by the end of the week or we separate. I am not prepared to give up sex at this age and I don’t want to cheat on you.

He isn't going to g to go and see the gp and he isn't going to go to therapy

There is something he isnt telling you

Neither is he loving, kind and supportive, he has ignored your needs and put the blame on you, that's not the actions of a best friend

I would love to know what goes through someone's head when their partner suggests relationship counselling and they say 'no'. Surely the next question is, 'what made you suggest that? What else could we try?'

Similar situation here.
Unfortunately I think I’ve lost my DH to the world of pornhub forever.

he’s never been keen on regular intercourse but when we openly talked about this years ago he said he would be happy with once a week. I was very clear about my sex drive and desire for more but also stated I’d be happy to manage on once a week. I tend to be a lot more happy and bubbly when there’s regular sexual activity in my life.

slowly but surely things have declined and we’d go months without, and if I referred to even the slightest hint of sex or anything related to it, he’d get all defensive.
3 years ago I opened up to him to share how worthless and unwanted I feel because I think I have let him down and that’s why he isn’t interested.
He assured me it wasn’t me and that he’d try to make an effort as he’s very much attracted to me and loves me.
it’s been a year since we last had intercourse and I might add, it ended up with me in tears on the bathroom floor after, without him knowing.

he’s a ‘several times a week’ ‘secret’ porn viewer. I can’t approach the subject anymore as he tells me it’s my fault for being upset about it as these things are private and I shouldn’t know what he does in his time.

I’ve been in the spare room for the past 4-5 months and at least I don’t have to cry myself to sleep, but honestly, I really don’t know how this ends.
I am 32 and I don’t want life to be this boring, lifeless exercise of go to work, eat, sleep and repeat. I thrive on physical touch and romance, all the things I don’t get.

We have a 4 YO, so I can’t exactly just pack up and go.

so, dear OP, as much as you say you love him, if you can’t live without sex for the rest of your life, please don’t waste it on staying with the wrong person.

You’re 32?! Please leave this man. Take your child and go. 💔

Just over a year ago we decided to open a business where I work 5-6 days/week. We took on massive amounts of debt to get this going, so I am unable to even consider it until we pay everyone back.

Nevertheless it’s still a soul destroying situation to be in.

Open marriage ?

Do you want kids?

he needs to listen and get over his embarassment. Dr's have seen everything before. They deal with it in a matter of fact way.

Maybe he is hiding some feeling's and not being totally honest with you?

If he doesnt want to go to the GP he can get testosterone tested privately.

I think i would sit him down and say "i've got something to say - you don't need to talk or answer questions". Explain it's not an attack on him but tell him how bad it's making you feel and how you are doubting the relationship because he doesn't make an effort in getting help.

It makes me sad reading this. There seems to be plenty of good things about the marrige.