No sex. Is it over?

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Have a great relationship with my husband in every area apart from sex. He’s loving, kind, supportive, funny, interesting and we are very close. Best friends.
But physically it’s not there. He has some problems with ED for as long as I’ve known him, I’ve been very patient but nothing is getting better and it’s been about 10 years of no / very bad sex.
I love him and I love our life but I’m finding myself very low because I’m missing such a big part of a relationship and I feel like I’m wasting my younger years. We tried again the other night and it was just awful, we both agreed it wasn’t working. He says he’s still very attracted to me but unfortunately i don’t feel the same as I did. I can’t see a way forward that doesn’t involve divorce. Which I really don’t think either of us want. I’d love to hear what people in my situation would do. We have no kids.

So, fundamentally things need to change. He's not opening up to you so I suggest you find a relationship therapist who has experiencing dealing with sex-based problems.

There are lots of options for a happy relationship without P going in V and it sounded like you used to explore some of things until he got angry. This concerns me and I suspect sex is not the only frustration/ problem you guys have.

You could try role play, talk through sexual fantasies and use your hands on each other, take the pressure off penetrative sex and orgasms.

Speaking from experience, the best thing your husband could do now is give up porn and masturbating. I suspect after frustrations with you he is seeking comfort in sexual experiences without expectations. However, it's turning what sexual feelings he has away from you - when he needs to turn them towards you. I am pro porn and getting yourself off, but not at the expense of your relationship. Could you suggest you at least watch it together, masturbate together?

Could he have BPD, or childhood trauma/SA etc?
I guess it matters in that he is not deliberately refusing you it, and does genuinely still find you attractive. But if he's unwilling to try and get around it and work with you to keep your sex life alive, then you should leave.
You clearly find it a deal breaker. And he has to face up to the fact that you've every right to walk away if you want and need sex and he reckons he can do without.

Sex is more than intercourse. Does he flirt with you? Is he physically affectionate? I think it’s very hard to simply ‘turn it on’ on demand … it has to be part of your lives together not just an act/performance …

If he has chronic ED , then he might not to initiate anything due the embarrassment / awkwardness of not being able to get and maintain a usable erection

unfortunately a gp visit is certainly needed - chronic ED at 41 might be a red flag for other more serious health issues

There’s none of this which I think adds to the issue. It does feel very platonic from both sides. I’m usually someone who has all the answers but I’ve never felt this sad and confused about something. I really do adore him, but physically it’s like it’s gone

Agree with Sonener.

He doesn’t need an erection to engage in sex. You couldn’t have intercourse in the usual manner, but he could be intimate, enjoy foreplay and make you come. But he isn’t interested in making you feel good because he isn’t getting anything out of being sexual with you.

Edited as had missed a bunch of your more recent posts.

Is he affectionate? Does he enjoy touching you or cuddling in bed? If not … then you’re just flatmates who get along.

Men get ED, some get it fixed some don’t. Some want to get it fixed some don’t.

I’ve been there, it killed relationships, so I got it fixed. I wasn’t embarrassed as I wanted to have amazing sex in an intimate relationship again, and I know now I will never have it again.

it’s telling whether or not the man wants to find a fix, and makes steps to seek help. If he doesn’t then IMO he is happy with what he has and you have to be prepared for a sexless marriage.

even so, if he still found you attractive, and wanted to please you, there is so much other stuff he could do to have at least some kind of intimacy with you.

You could agree to have an open relationship. It will take work and honesty but it could be a wonderful way to stay together.

Agree with others, there are lots of ways you can have an active sex life which don’t include PIV sex! After having my baby I wasn’t able to have PIV sex for awhile due to the obvious pain, but we still had an active sex life you just have to get a bit more creative with it. If he’s not interested in making any effort at all to have any kind of sexual relationship then I think that’s probably it done if sex is a deal breaker for you.

Is there a way to just maybe take the pressure off? Is he worried about pleasing you maybe and that could cause anxiety around sex if he is worried he is going to fail?

Firstly I agree with others that you need to make it clear that this is a very crucial issue for you. If he wants to make things better then he will need to go to the gp - preferably a different one than last time - and ask for medication for the ED and a test of his testosterone levels.

Secondly, you could benefit from a decent psychosexual therapist as a couple . If he agrees but is dithering about it, just book it yourself. There is a register of accredited psychosexual and relationship therapists here : https://www.cosrt.org.uk/ Good luck! You deserve to have a satisfying sex life .

Having an affair isn't an option. Let's not.

just brought up the testosterone thing and very gently told him how much it’s affecting me. He didn’t say a word for ten minutes then when I asked if he had heard me he snapped at me and stormed out.

Yes. Because, when the reverse happens, we see all those woman interested in doing something about it! 🫤

Sorry OP, sounds like he doesn’t want any help, and therefore doesn’t care. i’m not saying he doesn’t love or care for you but his actions and reactions are selfish and he clearly has no thoughts how this is making you feel.

Op it sounds like you have been far too nice. He obviously only cares about his feelings.

he has ED, fair enough not his fault. He does nothing about it and MAKES YOU FEEL BAD …….

why are you putting up with this? You are 34 !!!! At 34 I had two small
kids and was exhausted but still had sex once a week.

your DH is not nice, he does not love you, he loves himself.

I cannot stress to you how selfish he is. Unbelievably so.

You're 34. You’ve wasted some of the best years since you were 24 with this guy. I cannot believe you’ve put up with his selfishness for so long.

I’d leave if he refuses help.

Agree with most of this but because he doesn’t want get help it does not mean he doesn’t love her.

He will be embarrassed, there’s no doubt about it, but he needs to put his male pride aside.

I went through hell and back to get help, because at 35 I knew I had to.

and you know what, I’m so bloody glad I did!!

Thank you all. Talking about this openly has been very helpful. It’s good to know that’s not a fair response. It didn’t feel good especially since I was as careful as possible to be kind because I know what a sensitive issue it is

I really don't see how you can move forward if he insists on being like this. Even if it's something he's find really hard to discuss, other ways he has treated you or spoken to you sex related, doesn't sit right. It's mean and a bit degrading.

My DH needs Viagra, it's fine. Sometimes we use it sometimes we do other stuff, but he definitely initiates and sometimes it's just for my pleasure. It's probably me that feels.more guilty! But what I'm saying is, despite his issues, (that will not change now due to age etc) our sex life is amazing. It's all in the handling really. We've had some right laughs over it all.

I think all you can do is give him a serious ultimatum but it really does sound as if there's something else....gay, no interested in sex at all, maybe the testosterone maybe something else. But if he won't discuss it then 🤷 also if he's being like that, then it is also another part of your relationship that isn't as great as you may think

He’s got a problem. OK.

but he won’t address it

and he’s content to let you suffer and feel shit

so that you don’t talk about it anymore and suffer in silence

this isn’t love

the end - get rid

You're addressing an issue that he doesn't want to address.... how dare you lady? How dare you not quiet quiet and just act as if nothing happens and doesn't bother you? How inconvenient is all this for him to be reminded that "he can't get it up"?

And this is your "best friend"?

He needs to go back to his GP for support, he may need a testosterone supplement etc. does he understand that this is potentially a deal breaker for you? If he does, and is still unwilling to at least try and resolve it then I think he's answered your question sadly

You're only 34?!

He's not going to make the effort. You can't spend the next 30-40 years being rejected.

Perhaps you can stay friends but in your shoes I'd divorce quickly and find the next phase of my life.

I would say this is deadline time.
you need to see some actions / effort made in the next month or you want to separate.
He needs a jolt.