Mother ending our relationship forever

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Sorry this is long ...My mum has always had a temper, uses to fly off the handle at me and my dad regularly, hit me as a child and once very violently as a teen. Used to fatshame me, slutshame me, pick on my appearance and mock my relationships with my friends

I moved away at 18 for uni and stayed in that city, 34 now and married with a house.

I thought our relationship was okay but recently she's gotten more and more volatile, once screaming at me for forgetting to phone her.

Making things up that didn't happen, and using them as ammo at me. (Genuine things that people can vouch for didn't happen)

When she gets this was she screams, swears, insults me, mocks me by copying my voice or gestures, screams fuck off in my face.

Last Sunday she cornered me after my friend who was staying with us (to attend an event nearby) went to bed and forced me to to talk about things I think she's done wrong.

She mocked me, swore at me and told me all my friends and in-laws would fuck off and desert me, leaving me alone forever, and she'd be the only person in my life.

I said I'd rather be alone than put up with this

She told me I'm a bad person

She threw her head back and laughed at me when I disagreed.

She told me I was making up stories about my dad pushing me one time violently. Denied my upset.

She told me that she never wanted to see me again and that her decision was final.

I said my door would always be open and she laughed again, saying hers would always be closed

She has no other family, my brother is 5000 miles away and I only found out he'd moved via a friend.

My dad's remaining family have nothing to do with her and now I see why. (I get on with them)

I don't know how to cope with the aftermath of this abuse and rejection. Maybe she is ill and needs help but she gets angry if anyone suggests it.

I don't know what I'm asking other than how do you cope when you see the abuse.

Sounds like possible mania, but that doesn’t make it OK. Sorry you went through that. You’ve been kind to her. Have some counselling if you can afford it to make peace with the situation.

I'm sorry your mum did this. It sounds exhausting and very upsetting, even if this is typical behaviour for her.

Do you want to carry on seeing her?

That’s horrific abuse OP. Cut her off for good now. She’ll come crawling back - please stay strong. You don’t need that ugliness and poison in your life. You really don’t.

Does she drink?

Thankyou for replying

I've got a consultation tomorrow for counselling with my health insurance. If not there are 2 other affordable local options, had it before and it helped.

I do wonder if it'd fronto dementia or schizophrenia, her mum was paranoid schizophrenic, or she needs anger management...

She has one or two friends bit nobody else who can step in

After it all I feel sorry for her, still love her and miss her, but this is the third time in a year she's gone overboard and I don't think I can bear the pain.

I'd want to see her if she got some help but as far as she is concerned it'd all, to quote her directly "pathetic psychobabble"

My dad was an alcoholic... i thought she was a bit more sensible but now I'm wondering.

The times on the phone I wouldn't know, maybe, but this time yes as soon as she had alcohol and then had me on my own it was fight time

I said no I'm not getting into this now because its late, we have had a nice night and we have had wine but then she started mocking me and followed me around the house until I was forced to start defending myself

She went at me for 3 hours solid

Schizophrenia is hereditary. My brother had it and we traced it back through 3 generations. From the description of her behaviour she sounds mentally ill.

That's something I really was afraid of... and worry about it happening to me.

I've been on SSRIs, beta blockers and in therapy most of my adult life and would hope that I would get myself assessed or my husband, friends or in-laws would step in if I seemed mentally dangerous.

I will never put myself in a situation, should she ever want to see me again, where I'm on my own with her

She does sound mentally ill to be honest. If her mother had paranoid schizophrenia, it's a fair possibility that she could be suffering from this too. Or bipolar disorder or emotionally unstable disorder. Unfortunately, unless you can persuade her to see a doctor, it's unlikely that she will get help unless she reaches some sort of crisis point where police/ambulance are called. I hope you can get to a point where she'll accept help. In the meantime, take care of yourself and get all the support you can, it's extremely hard to have an unstable parent 😔

shes abusive and I’m so sorry you have to suffer that treatment from her . Never mind blood is thicker than water bullshit, Blood is not thicker than your mental health . She’s vile . And she’s done you a massive favour in leaving you alone for good . I hope she means it . I understand you may be confused about her actions and words but it’s a simple as she is a bully and you are her victim. So sorry . She does not deserve one more minute of your life . There is a thread on mn called …. Well They took me to stately homes …, it’s all about abusive parents . Hope you are ok x

Just sending love OP, really feel for you. She may need a crisis to get sectioned and receive help.

A Family member of mine has just had this happen a second time and some of the education has stuck this time, I see hope for him now.
L it’s so so very hard for you but There is an actual limit to what you can do, accepting that is tough, it’s a tragic situation.
As well as therapy, Mind may be able to signpost you to support groups for family members, it can be really powerful to be with other people who understand and are experiencing the same
take the most excellent care of yourself, you deserve and need it x

And I meant to say as well, regardless of the reason that behaviour is abusive, your experience is of being abused, and it sounds like just articulating that is a step forward. Talking about it, mothering yourself, protecting yourself as you are, making sense of your life and the way you feel, it’s all going to be a process. As well as therapy, there’s loads of brilliant podcasts and books that I’m sure will help you along the way. I’m a huge fan of the good mood podcast on Spotify, it’s schema therapy model which is apparently one of the very effective models for personality disorders , but it’s excellent for anybody and they make it really accessible. Absolutely loads of content there I’m sure would really help you

She sounds like my mother. Mine was very abusive, mean and just an awful person all round.

When she flounced out of my house after saying she never wanted to see or hear from me again (over me not giving into her nonsense) I celebrated and have refused to speak to her since (she keeps trying but I'm done).

I've been no contact with my mother for years. The last words telling me I was evil still ring in my ears.

The constant put downs, sniping and nastiness were exhausting.

I'm currently in therapy due to the effects it's had growing up and our last contact.

You can't help your mother, she has to see the terrible things she does for herself.

Look after yourself, get the therapy you need to keep moving forward but leave her firmly in your past

Thanks for all your replies

I think deep down you want to believe that your mum is different and that she will understand eventually, and that's the hardest part is accepting it for what it is

I've seen those, wondered for ages what they were about, found out and couldn't bear to look. I'll be going to have a good read now though. Just talking about it on here is helping

Alcohol makes some folk fucking evil. I’ve been on the receiving end of similar, which is why I asked.

She doesn’t need to be an alcoholic to be like this- just a drinker.

Walk away and don’t look back- you are too precious to be treated like this by someone who is supposed to love you. Xx

Had similar though not as bad. Absolutely convinced she’s got BPD but she wouldn’t ever admit it. Her behaviour is constantly excused and I’m left feeling bad for standing up to it eventually. Nice to me infront of everyone else but awful if we’re one on one. Got better for a while then got worse. It’s like I’m her enemy not her daughter. Brilliant at making herself the victim. Have had 30 years of it finally said enough. No one should treat anyone like that, least alone your mother. I hope you find your peace soon. The guilt is huge but the relief is greater.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that too... the guilt is killing me, I'm imagining her upset and alone and frightened

Op none of us know what exactly is up with your Mum. What I do know though is that she hurts you very badly emotionally and that this is an established pattern across space and time.

if your mum had 5 minutes of empathy and clarity she would beg you to protect yourself. She would make it very clear that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the relationship you have with her.

I don’t know if you can engage with her without her being able to hurt you one way or another. I had to stop seeing a relative who had consistently behaved this way across decades. I often wonder if there is enough therapy or period of no contact you can have where you are so healed you are unhurtable and could have some sort of contact. I know that even after 5 years it’s not enough and I could still get badly burnt even now. And I do wonder that even if I was so zen I could spend time with them I would have to acknowledge they were getting NOTHING from it and my positive karma force field might just enrage them even more? I honestly haven’t worked out the ethics of a relationship with someone who is unable to care about you. Like whose benefit is it for and why? Would I just be doing it to look normal? Isn’t that what I’ve was doing when I was running around for them?

I said about a dolls house analogy on here a couple of days ago. Most people have a dolls house image of family. That when a sexually mature human mates and produces offspring, that the parents are then magically transformed for all time into mentally and emotionally mature people. This fantasy is another universe away from the reality lived by children everywhere regardless of the family’s financial resources or class or education.

Statistically speaking, at a full capacity concert at Wembley Stadium, 13500 attendees significantly lack empathy to a level that causes real harm to the people in their life. Many of these are or will be parents. At a rate of 15% you don’t have to randomly pick people for long before you land on someone who probably doesn’t feel much love for anyone or anything at all, seeing as the two are inextricably connected. That’s the chilling reality.

This sounds awful OP. It does sound like mental ill health or the way she is with alcohol.

Regardless, you do not have this happen to you again. You are not her punching bag.

I had decades of abuse from my DM and she would laugh at the upset she caused. I actually went NC.

I know this hurts but she is never going to be the mother you deserve.

Thankyou 🙏

The initial shock is wearing off... I have a medication review booked so hopefully I can move on with security on that front.

I haven't told anyone in the "family" yet only my husband, and two very close friends, as well as of course the friend who was with me and heard some of it.

I'm sure she will try to spread poison and get sympathy

They are very good at that. And it’s hard not to get angry at the injustice of it.
It sounds like you’ve been through the mill. Be bolstered by the fact you have a lovely partner and friends who clearly love you. It’s so hard I know…but her behaviour towards you is not a reflection of you lovely, it’s her projection of her own demons. It’s all hers. Not yours xx

People go no contact for significantly less than this. For your own mental health you need to have no contact with her.
Don't feel bad that if you’re not around, there’ll be no one to help her. She isn’t going to change and she’ll treat you like this forever. Make it stop now.