Mother ending our relationship forever

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Sorry this is long ...My mum has always had a temper, uses to fly off the handle at me and my dad regularly, hit me as a child and once very violently as a teen. Used to fatshame me, slutshame me, pick on my appearance and mock my relationships with my friends

I moved away at 18 for uni and stayed in that city, 34 now and married with a house.

I thought our relationship was okay but recently she's gotten more and more volatile, once screaming at me for forgetting to phone her.

Making things up that didn't happen, and using them as ammo at me. (Genuine things that people can vouch for didn't happen)

When she gets this was she screams, swears, insults me, mocks me by copying my voice or gestures, screams fuck off in my face.

Last Sunday she cornered me after my friend who was staying with us (to attend an event nearby) went to bed and forced me to to talk about things I think she's done wrong.

She mocked me, swore at me and told me all my friends and in-laws would fuck off and desert me, leaving me alone forever, and she'd be the only person in my life.

I said I'd rather be alone than put up with this

She told me I'm a bad person

She threw her head back and laughed at me when I disagreed.

She told me I was making up stories about my dad pushing me one time violently. Denied my upset.

She told me that she never wanted to see me again and that her decision was final.

I said my door would always be open and she laughed again, saying hers would always be closed

She has no other family, my brother is 5000 miles away and I only found out he'd moved via a friend.

My dad's remaining family have nothing to do with her and now I see why. (I get on with them)

I don't know how to cope with the aftermath of this abuse and rejection. Maybe she is ill and needs help but she gets angry if anyone suggests it.

I don't know what I'm asking other than how do you cope when you see the abuse.

There is a Dr Ramani on YouTube whose videos on personality disorders might interest you. Easy to understand, and very detailed.

Sometimes it helps to understand what you're dealing with, but what you ultimately need is some way to unload the burden. You're carrying the fallout of something really serious that has created a prison of sorts for your heart.

The process of casting off and burying the boulder of guilt and fear and hope will be painful for you but I urge you to seek help disengaging. The optimism you mentioned upthread can indeed hold you back.

Yes I agree with @mathanxiety about the dr rahmani videos.

I also want to say that it takes time, work, and luck to step out if the FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt that we should love these people, that we must love them, and that we must serve them. Some people hold the status of mother, or father, without being able to fulfill the role. All the sentiment, tears, recriminations, and desire in the world can’t make a sick person a healthy parent.

The Bear is quite good on dysfunctional family relationships with an alcoholic mother at the centre. It’s on Disney Plus.

Three weeks and not heard from her.

From the things she invented from the last assault I assume in her head she is the victim in her mind

Considering the only things she said to my friend as we left were

"She said I was a bad mother" (friend said really?) "OK no she said I was aggressive"

And "my retirement plans are ruined"

I feel like she was sitting down waiting for me to come and sort it out but the way I was feeling and on advice from friend and husband was to flee as I was traumatised

I'm still feeling sorry for the sad lonely scared upset guilty woman she is, bit I keep reaffirming that the abuse is against my boundaries. Tough times. I've just started a new career which is going amazingly and long to share the details with her :(

She watches this and had recommended it to me, even playing me an episode when I was visiting once... oblivious

Started my therapy yesterday- much older male counsellor so we will see... seemed great

It's raw and I've still heard nothing

Ask them about their view on Bowen based therapy as in I don’t like it. Bowen therapy sees abuse as a family system and doesn’t allow for justified estrangement. My counsellor clearly wasn’t in the business of guilting me into tolerating abuse thank god which is why I ask as I’ve heard some awful stuff about some counselling that just blames the adult child. Don’t get me wrong she always reminded me that contact was a possibility if I ever wanted it which I liked because there was just room for me to think.

So it's been 5 months, in therapy for three I think. It's definitely helping but obviously bringing up a lot about my childhood, the way she used to insult and belittle me constantly that I thought was normal.

She tried to call me but I left it - I'm a funeral celebrant and was on my way into a ceremony. I didn't call back

My brother sent my husband a birthday gift of 5% alcohol gin, he knows my husband is teetotal... not sure what to make of that but we sent him a voucher back for his birthday yesterday.

Christmas is coming and I'm spending it with friends and husband...

The guilt is still there but being overtaken by anger and grief

Your mother behaves in a really really shocking way and shows no care towards you.

You're newly married and you have a great new job. I think you should put all your efforts into your new family and into your new job. That's your future. Your mother is trying to destroy you and destroy your future. Focus on your husband and don't make him live the life that you've had with your mother.

Keep up the therapy as it's quite worrying to me seeing how you really wanted her to contact you and be a normal mother. I'm really really sorry but that is not going to happen.

The only way you can have a really happy life now is to cut your mother out of it.

Thankyou I really needed to hear this, it's blunt and very very correct I appreciate it

Glad you're holding strong on not having contact with her op.

She does sound mentally unwell. But you need to protect yourself.

Thankyou the therapist is helping me unpack a lot on a weekly basis which is helping me get a lot of perspective

I was last in therapy 7 years ago for other reasons but clearly the root causes weren't as accessible then

He is brilliant and although it's rough, it is getting me there.