Mother ending our relationship forever

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Sorry this is long ...My mum has always had a temper, uses to fly off the handle at me and my dad regularly, hit me as a child and once very violently as a teen. Used to fatshame me, slutshame me, pick on my appearance and mock my relationships with my friends

I moved away at 18 for uni and stayed in that city, 34 now and married with a house.

I thought our relationship was okay but recently she's gotten more and more volatile, once screaming at me for forgetting to phone her.

Making things up that didn't happen, and using them as ammo at me. (Genuine things that people can vouch for didn't happen)

When she gets this was she screams, swears, insults me, mocks me by copying my voice or gestures, screams fuck off in my face.

Last Sunday she cornered me after my friend who was staying with us (to attend an event nearby) went to bed and forced me to to talk about things I think she's done wrong.

She mocked me, swore at me and told me all my friends and in-laws would fuck off and desert me, leaving me alone forever, and she'd be the only person in my life.

I said I'd rather be alone than put up with this

She told me I'm a bad person

She threw her head back and laughed at me when I disagreed.

She told me I was making up stories about my dad pushing me one time violently. Denied my upset.

She told me that she never wanted to see me again and that her decision was final.

I said my door would always be open and she laughed again, saying hers would always be closed

She has no other family, my brother is 5000 miles away and I only found out he'd moved via a friend.

My dad's remaining family have nothing to do with her and now I see why. (I get on with them)

I don't know how to cope with the aftermath of this abuse and rejection. Maybe she is ill and needs help but she gets angry if anyone suggests it.

I don't know what I'm asking other than how do you cope when you see the abuse.

Just fuck her off. They become a real pain in the arse when they get older anyway. Better off out of it.

Things seem a bit clearer today although the guilt is still strong

No word from her but no shocks there as previously its been me to reach out every time.

No idea if my brother knows - not really in a place to tell him

Friends have been great, in-laws don't know yet

Rejected for remote counselling and NHS as too complex but will head to 2 local options now

I am thankful to those who have been through it too and have taken the time to show solidarity, apologies for somewhat journaling here.

Good luck with it OP x

No wonder you're brother moved 5000 miles away. 3 hour tirade? Fuck off to her. She's a nutcase.

I don’t understand why you stiii love her and want a relationship with her. She sounds actually evil. Walk away and don’t look back. You don’t owe her anything.

I know it doesn't make any logical sense but I've always been a deeply hopeful person (to my detriment) and always want to think deep down she will realise how bad it is, how unusual, and that she might have a hero moment and find the strength to reach out to me peacefully or seek out strength.

Denial, that's the word I'm looking for. I'm still slightly in denial although can also see it all for what it is too.

I don't think she is evil I just think she is projecting her own trauma (schizophrenic absent mum, unknown father, poverty in childhood, fear of being abandoned, jealousy of my success and relationships) onto me.

I'm not excusing it but I think that's what I'm up against so I do feelnsorry for her

This will never happen sadly, as she doesn’t have the capability. You sound like a very kind and cari g person but she is highly abusive. Look after yourself.

I see my abusive parent the same way. I feel compassion. It’s terrible to be so twisted up mentally that your children’s happiness seems to pain you deeply. Imagine being that person. Waking up with that brain every day of your life. Knowing that all your good feelings for others are so few and fleeting. Being so devoid of inner warmth that you set fire to the connections with other people to stop yourself freezing to death and it’s the only thing you can do. It has to be hellish.

I earnestly hope we move forward a tonne in identifying people with disordered personalities. Everyone loses again and again when parents have these ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.

All that said, I kept well away once I’d realised.

Still feeling pretty gutted 1 week on even though I know that if I patched things upnitnwoild happen again. Haven't heard from her obviously.

Some anger is there on my part now as I am so mad she thought 12.30 at night after dinner out was a good time to start on me... I just feel numb

The rollercoaster is normal. You’re being ‘punished’ with silence so you’ll start fawning. It’s awful having to live this way, it’s totally unfair, but it does get easier as time goes on. Her behaviour towards you was dreadful but you’re ‘programmed’ to back down, back track, be ‘the bigger person’ and set yourself up for the same again and again and again, and again. This is the only way to stop that pattern.

Op, schizophrenia CAN be hereditary…but not the majority of the time. There are other links not least of which is alcohol or drug related. Even where hereifactors come into play it is not a shamed dunk- it’s part of the enviro genetics theory that whilst you may have genes inherited they will only switch on from being triggered by environmental factors like stress, trauma etc

if you have a history of parenteral abuse it is way more likely you potentially have depression or even complex PTSD.

DONT DIAGNOSE yourself

get the professional advice.ifyoure going through BUPA or similar assessment say that you don’t think counselling will help, and that you need psychological therepy. There’s a massive difference. I had repeated counselling and did bugger all, but psychotherapy made a massive help. So be careful what you set as expectations

unfortunately it sounds like you are caught chasing the ideal of a loving mother, and she is not going to be able to give you that, but you have to go through a grief process to accept that.

it is the most vile, evil and destructive thing a parent can do to reject a child. Which she has. It will cause you massive mental health issues-so please get help

@KaleQueen thankyou honestly 💓 for responding and being kind

I'm so sorry this happened to you it sounds so similar and I hope you are okay xx

Thankyou I will.. I've had private therapy but my option at the moment haven't been helpful - if you know what thread I can chase for psychotherapy I'd be grateful as my private insurance keeps passing me back to nhs who can only offer CBT

This could also be narcissistic personality disorder paired with some other mental illness like BPD? I'm so sorry you're going through this ):

To all those bandying-about your theories such as “it’s a bit bipolar” or “it could be schizophrenia”…. 🙄 😤 🤦🏻‍♀️.

You do know that being unfortunate enough to have a serious illness which brings about EPISODES of mood disturbance is not the same as being a total nasty cunt of a person, and a horribly and relentlessly abusive cunt 100% of the time to your child and those around you, don’t you?

Good. Just checking. 😒

Well said

Sounds like a textbook narcissist mother to me, flying off into a narcissistic rage if she doesn’t get enough attention from you.
my mother is similar. It’s so incredibly hard.

here’s what I do:

keep my distance
don’t expect her to change
don’t ever allow myself to be dependent on her in any way
enjoy her good sides but our down firm boundaries against the bad ones
tell her straight out but calmly when she’s being unreasonable
Reduce contact after an outbreak
remind myself that her emotional are NOT my responsibility

Cut her out of your life . She sounds vile .

I agree, this doesn’t sound anything like schizophrenia or bipolar to me, it just sounds like somebody who’s a bit of a nasty drunk.

She waited until your friend went upstairs then followed you around needling you for three hours trying to start a row. That isn’t mental illness.

I agree for sure. She's always been aggressive. I once drove 3hrs home after I passed my driving test to see her and my dad, and she attacked me the minute i got there (my dad sent me to collect her from work with a tea and she was mad at him but I copped it, she threw the tea across the carpark) but then begged and pleaded when I decided to drive three hours straight back home as I'd been sworn at.

It's the only language she knows, my dad used to just give her what she wanted the minute she kicked off.. I used to think he was the big villain but now I see why he used to numb himself

My mother has BPD - she’s textbook but in denial - and this is quite like how she’d behave though she never really drank much. But she’d follow me round my own house with rage burning in her eyes, slam out so often it became the norm, fly off the handle after turning up normally….she once burned me with a cigarette in rage when I was about 7 then denied it. She’d abuse me then ask me to apologise to her. It’s a proper illness. But it doesn’t excuse it.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this, but my first thought was that she either has a personality disorder, a drink problem or a mental health condition. Behaviour like that is simply not normal. And if it's not normal, usually there is something behind it. People who act cruelly and defensively, particularly to their own children, obviously struggle with a myriad of issues, part genetic, part wisted thinking, illogical thought process, low self esteem/anger issues. You might find it helpful to look up personality disorders/mania etc to see if you recognise some of her behaviours. I have an unwell sister, whom unfortunately, can act in a very cruel and defensive way, angering very quickly, holding grudges, being verbally abusive and going no contact with all those around her. There are deep seated reasons behind her behaviour. Learning about it has helped me come to terms with it and allow me to take it less personally. I can accept that it's not me, but her own issues. That said, even with personality disorders/mental health problems, that's not an excuse for people to act however they wish. It helps explain it, but not excuse it. It's really important to maintain boundaries and establish ground rules if you do decide to continue having her in your life at all.

Thankyou so much

She was supposed to be moving from bedforshire to my village or an adjacent one in west Sussex.. part of of he outburst was that none of us wanted to. (We did, me, my closest friends, in-laws, husbands aunts, everyone was waiting with open arms) but she slagged every single one of them off, pure venom, because she's jealous that I've built a community and completely doesn't understand we wanted to bring her in. I doubt I'll hear from her.