Mother ending our relationship forever

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Sorry this is long ...My mum has always had a temper, uses to fly off the handle at me and my dad regularly, hit me as a child and once very violently as a teen. Used to fatshame me, slutshame me, pick on my appearance and mock my relationships with my friends

I moved away at 18 for uni and stayed in that city, 34 now and married with a house.

I thought our relationship was okay but recently she's gotten more and more volatile, once screaming at me for forgetting to phone her.

Making things up that didn't happen, and using them as ammo at me. (Genuine things that people can vouch for didn't happen)

When she gets this was she screams, swears, insults me, mocks me by copying my voice or gestures, screams fuck off in my face.

Last Sunday she cornered me after my friend who was staying with us (to attend an event nearby) went to bed and forced me to to talk about things I think she's done wrong.

She mocked me, swore at me and told me all my friends and in-laws would fuck off and desert me, leaving me alone forever, and she'd be the only person in my life.

I said I'd rather be alone than put up with this

She told me I'm a bad person

She threw her head back and laughed at me when I disagreed.

She told me I was making up stories about my dad pushing me one time violently. Denied my upset.

She told me that she never wanted to see me again and that her decision was final.

I said my door would always be open and she laughed again, saying hers would always be closed

She has no other family, my brother is 5000 miles away and I only found out he'd moved via a friend.

My dad's remaining family have nothing to do with her and now I see why. (I get on with them)

I don't know how to cope with the aftermath of this abuse and rejection. Maybe she is ill and needs help but she gets angry if anyone suggests it.

I don't know what I'm asking other than how do you cope when you see the abuse.

That's awful and I'm horrified a mother would do that. You must have been in shock

@HeadacheEarthquake oddly…I’m used to it.
I’d buried the cigarette incident until someone close asked about the silky scar on my arm I said I dunno..:I’ve got no idea where that’s from…then I got a flashback of a cigarette being put out on my forearm…which was resting on the side of an armchair as I sat on the floor next to it. It was the sofa material in our childhood house and that was ‘her’ seat but I don’t remember anything more than that I’ve blocked it out. So actually I can’t prove it was her but I doubt it was my dad. I’m sure if I brought it up now I’d be told I was lying or making it up so can never get to the bottom of it.

I had the same with a huge slap she gave me... I never really registered it as I took it as part and parcel of my punishments growing up.

Funny how these things can affect you 20 years later or more

Whose home did this outburst happen in ?
Yours ? was she staying the night
or hers ? were you staying the night

why didn't you ask / tell her to leave / why didn't you leave ?

I’m so sorry.
these women are damaged and vile but it’s no reflection of you. It’s driven by a deep seated dysfunction in them. Not you xx

You must give yourself permission to break the cycle of abuse—submitting to it and taking care of her will destroy you in the end. If your mother is to have any legacy other than misery you must save yourself and thrive. She will never accept your kindness. She will drain you dry and abuse you to the end, if you let her.

I think you need to disengage and look after yourself. It's going to be a lot to recover from such an overwhelming attack from your own mother. You cannot do that if you are also worrying about her wellbeing.

If you think there's a serious chance she might be psychotic or demented then you could write to social services letting them know that she has alienated everyone who used to care about her and may be severely mentally ill but there's no one close enough to her to advocate for her. They may be able to keep an eye on her if they have the resources. However it cannot be your responsibility to ensure she is looked after.

My friend and I were staying at her home, we'd suggested visiting and taking her our for dinner as she was nearby an event we were attending the next day, booked by my friend a year ago. The friend has been present for Christmases at mine where she'd stayed, and has visited my mum with me before, so very well known, not a stranger.

This is 2hrs away from my home

I would be seriously considering it at the moment - my brother rarely sees or speaks to her and has just moved to the UAE. Ive spoken to him before about it but because he hasn't experienced it he is unwilling to believe me and will make all excuses for her. She has one close mate but I dount she'll be open with her so maybe down the line it's an option. But maybe she's not mentally ill just angry

I think it's just as well she is not moving to your village or a nearby one, you can't expect your wider family and inlaws to be able to cope with her behaviour, you feel FOG so are used to it, but it would be highly destructive to the village you have created around you and your own stability, so I think that's for the best.

Can I ask if BPD can be reserved for only certain people? My mother exhibits some very odd and spiteful behaviour. However it is reserved for me and my children. She seems to behave normally with everyone else. I seem to trigger something in her. For example jumping up and down with glee when she made me cry, then denying it ever happened. Going through my daughters things in her bedroom and accusing her of stuff. Calling her a whore. Really horrible behaviour but it’s only towards myself and my daughter in particular. My Aunt doesn’t see her anymore because she’s offended her and I know others find her difficult at times. However she mostly keeps the lovely old lady act going.

It sounds like no matter what the reason she is abusive to you .. She has done this relentlessly for most of your life .

You need counselling which you are addressing but time and space will help with perspective .

I have been no contact with my mum for about 20 years … in all honesty I should have gone no contact 10 years earlier but I craved my mum’s love and approval . Even after going no contact it took many years before it was really done for me .

Don’t expect your feelings to change overnight . It will get better .

It's a good question

My dMIL was the sole target of her mums dementia outbursts, she'd make things up about her trying to kill her, physically attack her, but with everyone else she was fine. She was committed and is now a ward of the state, and it took 4 months for her to agree to let dMIL see her but was fine with everyone else.

I think it can be targeted at the person who you deem closest for sure

This is not psychosis 🙄, not dementia 🤦🏻‍♀️.

She has presented this way permanently, for decades.

Please stop equating a cuntish personality with mental illness or age-related cognitive problems. Those of us lucky enough to be blighted by periodic episodes of psychosis in between working in our usually perfectly respectable middle class jobs and caring for our well-love kids (in my case my psychosis makes me scared and worried about untrue things, but which do NOT turn me into an abusive cunt to my kids) are sick to the back teeth of being wheeled out as ‘explanations’ for cuntish people’s poor behaviour.

I also happen to be a MH professional, so know a thing or two about psychosis, dementia, personality disorder, and then the separate category of ‘abusive cunt’.

(the above was in relation to @OpizpuHeuvHiyo post above, but there was a quote-fail for some reason.

Just to clarify, I'm grateful for your insight, you'd recommend I suspect psychosis? That sounds right was she has been otherwise fine apart from then very serious and scary outbursts between "normal" mother behaviour

Sorry... I completely misread. Not psychosis, just a twat.

Sorry again xx

How did you possibly glean from my post that I suggest it’s psychosis?!?! 🤯 🙄

Did you not read all the bits where I say “please stop saying it’s psychosis”? Please go back at read at least the opening sentence.

HTH

Cross-posted. I can see you realised the colossal mis-reading. I appreciate your update x

Yes I did mess up and I'm definitely sorry about that xxx thankyoubfor being kind

You are the one who is upset and alone and frightened.

It doesn't really matter why your mother behaves like this. What matters is that you accept you didn't cause the abuse, you can't control it, and you can't cure her of whatever problem she has. This is her shit, not yours.

Please ask your therapist to guide you through emotional and psychological disengagement from your abusive mother, and the grieving process that goes with disengagement. You owe this to yourself.

There's a book you may have read already, titled, "Toxic Parents", by Susan Forward. Even if you've read it, read it again.

I haven't read it, but the scales have only fallen from my eyes slowly over the last 2 years. I think my wedding was the start of the realisation where she made it about her, criticised and soured all aspects and made the whole event quite difficult and still insults my choices to this day.

Anyhow, I've just ordered it and it arrives on Tuesday... thankyou for the recommendation 🙏

Other good books: will I ever be good enough? For daughters with demanding mothers. Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Also google narcissistic abuse and take a look at those youtubes.

That first one sounds pretty good I'll have a look for it

Il do a YouTube recce also... thankyou 🙏

Always thought I was quite clued up but when it's happening directly to you it's so easy to reach for the blinkers

mine has done this to me I am 53 I have realised she hasn’t ended our relationship we never had one to start with , it was all fake. It was her pretending when she wanted something

@HeadacheEarthquake I can't say anything to help, I'm sorry.

But this truly resonated with me: "After it all I feel sorry for her, still love her and miss her, but this is the third time in a year she's gone overboard and I don't think I can bear the pain".

I know that feeling, and I wanted you to know there are people who can empathise. I am one of them. I wish I had an answer.