DH drinking is it too much?

[TheRealBlueMember]

I’m getting to the end of my tether. For context, I run my own business, main breadwinner, do all cooking, cleaning, most kids stuff. Admittedly DH does some school runs and stuff in the garden, but 9/10 it’s on his terms. We both work at a different pace, I rarely sit down and always doing things with the kids or house, whereas he always says he needs to relax. He finishes work far earlier than me and gets lots of holiday. I still do the above when he’s on holiday.

so with the background of all this, we come on to his drinking. When the kids were younger, he’d drink - a lot in my opinion, so I stopped even having one so that at least one of us was responsible. We have had more instances than I’d care to remember of him, in his forties, wetting the bed or vomiting all over the house. Even on holiday, after the kids asked him to stop drinking, he carries on and gets in such a state that I’m up all night cleaning up sick, so the kids don’t see anything the next day. Then of course covering for him, when he’s incapable of movement the next day. He plans his drinking schedule a week in advance, eg, can you drive here or do this, so I can have some beers. Which I understand is ok, but given his inability to switch off, feels like he prioritises drinking over anything. I guess I’m bitter, fed up of the shit I get when he is drunk, fed up of lying next to a man that stinks of beer…. Really unattractive and fed up of not being able to have a few myself for fear that he’ll be unable to control himself.

I don’t feel like this is normal behaviour for a man with kids? Or is it? All he says is, stop moaning at me, I need not to be controlled sometimes and let my hair down. To be clear, I control nothing. Everything I do is around him and the kids, if there’s ever a problem, I fix it - he wouldn’t think to. Eg, his back card blocked the washing machine and I was up fixing it, while he went to bed. He was tired. How to get him to see my point of view without having it all thrown back in my face? I don’t like the drinking and I don’t like the repercussions from his benders. Admittedly not super often when it gets really bad, but often enough. Am I just being really judgey? I’d say he has 6 large cans of beer Thursday-Sunday evenings on an average week and pub one night a week at least. Now the summers coming and football on, there’s even more excuse. I’m staying for the kids, but deep down, I don’t want to live like this. Is it me? I’d love someone to give me some perspective

He is an alcoholic. Have you contacted anyone to help you?

I’m staying for the kids
how does this benefit the kids?

No it's not you. That's excessive drinking. You don't need to stay for the kids....they don't like seeing him in those states and he doesn't seem to want to stop.

Gosh no, if your kids are asking him to stop them please tell him he has to stop, get help to stop or move out.

He plans his drinking schedule a week in advance, eg, can you drive here or do this, so I can have some beers. Which I understand is ok, but given his inability to switch off, feels like he prioritises drinking over anything. I guess I’m bitter, fed up of the shit I get when he is drunk, fed up of lying next to a man that stinks of beer

Can you explain the problem to him in these words?

Your kids have seen his alcoholism and have raised it.... its ultimatum time OP. You either stop or leave...

Contact Al Anon and get some support and ideas how to proceed. He's an alcoholic.

As others have said he’s an alcoholic.
and it doesn’t sound like he has any desire to change that.

Please don’t put your kids through this hell, it’s so unfair on them.You need to LEAVE for the sake of the kids not stay!

He's an alcoholic. I would have left ages ago. This is doing damage to your kids.

Your kids are the exact reason you should be leaving. They won't thank you for staying in this mess.

^Totally this.

He's an alcoholic and also a lazy arse.

Put your kids first and leave.

He's an alcoholic, do you just not want to acknowledge it?

Surely you must know he is an alcoholic? It's just that you haven't mentioned it once.

I would lose all respect for a man who wets the bed. I would say you need to make him clean up his own puke but I understand you don't want the DC to see it. As you're the main breadwinner I'd guess you don't need his money as he doesn't earn much and what he does earn must all go on alcohol. Best thing is to leave, your DC don't want an alcoholic father.

Honestly this is not normal at all. I was in a relationship with a relatively heavy social drinker but not once did he wet the bed or throw up due to alcohol! Those are signs that it is out of control and he drinks for the sake of drinking and being drunk. He is an alcoholic.

Unfortunately, given his response to you and your children raising concerns, he will not change because he does not recognise the problem or see it as a problem. If he doesn’t genuinely want to give up, he won’t stop.

I would say you need to stage an intervention. Sit him down with others who have seen this sort of behaviour (his parents/siblings/friends) and try to hammer it home. If he doesn’t respond then you have to recognise that this is how he will be for the foreseeable and whether it is in yours or (more importantly) your children’s best interests. And leave it necessary. It might be the wake up call he needs and, if not, you’re not a part of it.

Absolutely not normal. The first time I had to clean up a grown man's vomit to protect my DC from the truth about their father (which it sounds like they have an idea of anyway) would have been the last. Honestly, life gets so much better when you aren't legally tied to someone like this, don't waste any more of your life with him.

Oh god you poor thing OP. What you’ve described would be ok as a one off. I’ve puked with too much drink a couple of times over the last 10 years, but that’s because I’m not used to drinking so much! But if this is a regular occurrence then it’s absolutely not on and completely off putting.

The alcoholics I’ve known (functional ones) aren’t sick as their body is that used to it. He sounds like a teenage binge drinker.

You shouldn’t stay with him, OP. He’s got an alcohol addiction, and he cares about drinking more than you, more than your children, more than anything.

You should show your children it’s not acceptable to put up with living like that.

@TheRealBlueMember absolutely not normal. And sorry to say but he’s clearly an alcoholic. I would be very surprised if he’s not drinking more than you think. The life you describe is the life of an alcoholics wife, you cleaning up his sick to “hide” what’s really happening, the constant smell of beer, you being the one who has to be sober to ensure there’s one responsible parent, all jobs fall to you as it’s very common for an alcoholic to be able to function in some areas but not be able to mentally keep on top of domesticated life. Unfortunately you are currently his enabler, you are holding him up and this is also very common. You are taking the weight of what should be a 50/50 partnership so he can carry on contributing bare minimum to family life whilst he drinks because you are carrying him. He needs help but from what you say he’s in denial, as are you. It should be very obvious this is not normal behaviour but as always, when you are the one inside a situation, you can’t see clearly. The worst part about this is what your kids are witnessing, telling him to stop drinking etc. Do yourself and your children a favour and tell him he needs to either seek help or move out. There is NO point arguing with him over this. If he doesn’t want to get help then it’s pointless going over the same argument.

He needs to stop drinking and he needs to contribute toward family life, chores etc and equal amount to you

im married to someone similar. Doesn’t piss the bed/vomit but does drink daily. Ive had enough now. Ive filed for divorce. Im done. You should be too. Leave the sick and piss for to clean up. Hes an alcoholic. You dont have to live like this.

video him pissing the bed/vomming and him drunk

Either kick him out immediately or join al anon snd get some clarity on just how horrendous this situation is.

This. The kids ask him to stop FFS. You're cleaning up vomiting. This isn't a life.

Leave.

Bloody hell - wetting the bed, and the kids noticing, it's time to kick him out. I also agree with a PP he's actually drinking more than you know. My DF was an alcoholic, but he wasn't as bad as that.

Al Anon and get rid of him.

WTF.

We have had more instances than I’d care to remember of him, in his forties, wetting the bed or vomiting all over the house.

Your kids have asked him not to drink and he ignores them and carries on.

Jesus wept. Kick the disgraceful fucker out, OP. I don’t even know where to start with all that, that’s all I can say. You weren’t put on this earth to clean up after an irresponsible shithead.

I divorced a drinker. It only gets worse, OP. Take advice and support from Al Anon if you need it. It won't get better 😔 I regret staying as long as I did. I have zero tolerance for drunks now.