DH drinking is it too much?

[TheRealBlueMember]

I’m getting to the end of my tether. For context, I run my own business, main breadwinner, do all cooking, cleaning, most kids stuff. Admittedly DH does some school runs and stuff in the garden, but 9/10 it’s on his terms. We both work at a different pace, I rarely sit down and always doing things with the kids or house, whereas he always says he needs to relax. He finishes work far earlier than me and gets lots of holiday. I still do the above when he’s on holiday.

so with the background of all this, we come on to his drinking. When the kids were younger, he’d drink - a lot in my opinion, so I stopped even having one so that at least one of us was responsible. We have had more instances than I’d care to remember of him, in his forties, wetting the bed or vomiting all over the house. Even on holiday, after the kids asked him to stop drinking, he carries on and gets in such a state that I’m up all night cleaning up sick, so the kids don’t see anything the next day. Then of course covering for him, when he’s incapable of movement the next day. He plans his drinking schedule a week in advance, eg, can you drive here or do this, so I can have some beers. Which I understand is ok, but given his inability to switch off, feels like he prioritises drinking over anything. I guess I’m bitter, fed up of the shit I get when he is drunk, fed up of lying next to a man that stinks of beer…. Really unattractive and fed up of not being able to have a few myself for fear that he’ll be unable to control himself.

I don’t feel like this is normal behaviour for a man with kids? Or is it? All he says is, stop moaning at me, I need not to be controlled sometimes and let my hair down. To be clear, I control nothing. Everything I do is around him and the kids, if there’s ever a problem, I fix it - he wouldn’t think to. Eg, his back card blocked the washing machine and I was up fixing it, while he went to bed. He was tired. How to get him to see my point of view without having it all thrown back in my face? I don’t like the drinking and I don’t like the repercussions from his benders. Admittedly not super often when it gets really bad, but often enough. Am I just being really judgey? I’d say he has 6 large cans of beer Thursday-Sunday evenings on an average week and pub one night a week at least. Now the summers coming and football on, there’s even more excuse. I’m staying for the kids, but deep down, I don’t want to live like this. Is it me? I’d love someone to give me some perspective

My mum never left my dad who was a drinker , we worried all the time as kids about this and became anxious adults .
Lots of therapy later I have no time for my dad and little respect for my mum as it did impact on us all . My advice is get out and live free where you will eventually meet someone who loves you all and doesn't behave like this

If he is only drinking what you are aware of, he's drinking 50-60 units a week. Every week, and planning it advance. He's an alcoholic. But for a seasoned drinker to vomit and wet the bed, he either has some sort of health issue or he's drinking more than he admits to.

YANBU to be fed up. Why don't you tell him to leave? You are exposing your poor dcs to this mess. I left my ex when ds was 2 because ex was drinking 70-80 units a week (not being sick or wetting beds though). Ds is now 16 and still refuses to try alcohol.

Don't imagine your dcs aren't frightened and ashamed and disgusted because they will be. They really shouldn't have to put up with such behaviour.

And you can't help him. He has to do that himself. At the moment you are just enabling him and prolonging the agony.

You owe it to your children to leave this lazy, irresponsible alcoholic.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say that staying in this marriage would be close to child abuse

Staying with this man for the kids will not benefit them or you. They have already told him to stop drinking and unsurprisingly he’s ignored them. He is ignoring you too and you’re describing the life of an alcoholic in your h along with your roles in his alcoholism: enabler , provoker and codependent partner.

Did you grow up yourself seeing similar?

Staying 'for the kids' ?

What does that mean to you ?

That they have a Father present ? That they are cared for by their Father ?

I'm sorry OP, but all you're doing is modelling how a 'relationship' should be for you DC.

So they will grow up and repeat the same mistakes.

Your sons will be alcoholics (because that's what men do according to your example), and your daughters will grow and be slaves to their alcoholic husbands (because that's what women do according to your example).

Get out now. Show your children what a proper, healthy relationship looks like. (By that, I'm not meaning a partner, I'm meaning not allowing alcohol to be the anchor that the whole damn family pivot around. Show them that having fun with their parent doesn't have to involve alcohol.)

It’s normal for an alcoholic. Children living with an alcoholic WILL BE very damaged by it and are significantly more likely to become alcoholics themsleves. Staying with him will be damaging your children.

Be very careful, if he catches you videoing he may well become violent.

Jesus. Op you need to leave. You don't want to be with him while he's getting clean and you don't want to be with him while he's still in addiction. It's already affecting the kids, they know. If you think they don't hear their dad vomiting all over the house and you cleaning up then I'm afraid you are naïve, they know, they hear, this is their normal, this is a pattern they will repete as adults, either copying you, enabling addicts and their selfish behaviour or becoming addicts themselves. GET HIM OUT!

When DH and I were dating he drank too much at a wedding and I had to help him back to the hotel. I left him vomiting curled in a ball in the shower. He woke up still drunk in the middle of the night fell over in the dark and lacerated the top of his head against a desk. Blood everywhere, ambulance, MRI scan as they thought he was concussed (he was still vomiting from the booze) 10 stitches on his scalp.

Anyway. If this kind of thing happened more then the once, then I don't think I could have stayed. DH hasn't had more then one drink EVER since. I didn't even need to ask, he saw how upset I was in the ambulance he changed himself as he saw where he could end up. It actually made us stronger because that proved his character to me. People make mistakes but if you can't recognise a problem and do something about it then you aren't a responsible adult, he isn't partner material, he isn't a team with you. What's the point of him??

You're not being judgy. This is alcoholism and if you think you're managing to hide it from your kids, you're wrong. Just as important: you deserve a better, calmer life.

Has he ever tried to get help?

I'd be leaving the relationship if there was no engagement with support and attempts at sobriety.

Growing up in a house like this caused me to have Emetophobia it affects my life terribly as an adult.

He is an alcoholic and he hasn't admitted it to himself yet.
Lay down an ultimatum and when he refuses to stop drinking, leave him.
Life is too short to live like this.

This is not normal.Your kids even know its not normal.
He has drink problem and he is an alcoholic.

Get him out. Seriously. This is damaging the children.

He does nothing, you’re the breadwinner, and he gets so pissed he urinates and vomits everywhere.

Why do you think the children benefit from you staying?! 😵‍💫

Alcoholism is not called “the family disease” without good reason because you are all affected by the alcoholic. Your own recovery from his alcoholism has not even started yet and will not do so until you and he are fully apart. Children do not indeed benefit by seeing an alcoholic parent in their day to day lives. You have readily stated for your own reasons, nothing whatsoever to do with your kids.

You have a choice re this man and your kids do not. Make better choices for you and they going forward. Attend alanon meetings and seek legal advice re divorce

Your husband is an alcoholic!

I have many times told him there’s a problem. He gave up drinking for 18 months - which is now his get out clause. Anytime it’s brought up, he says… I can and have given up, I just want to enjoy a beer in peace. My parents weren’t drinkers but his are, and I don’t drink at all because of this, so I guess I have nothing to measure against. He just tells me it’s fine, he doesn’t drink that much, he’s just relaxing. And to be fair, the state he gets in, isn’t frequent but it has happened more than I’d like. Kids dont like him being drunk, but he is hands on with them, especially my son. He’s generally a good dad, is a bit lazy and selfish imo, but he’s not permanently drunk or showing signs of alcoholism all the time, which makes it so hard to have the conversation. He just flips it onto me. Example being, last night we were talking about who was taking our kids to school for their trips. They both need to be dropped on consecutive days at 2am. He said immediately, I’ll do the work day one, so I can have some beers on Saturday night. I explained that this felt like he was prioritising drinking, but all he says is; you gave me a choice and answered with my choice. When I said more firmly that it felt like he didn’t give a fuck about us if I’m driving certain days so he can drink. He says I’m being argumentative. So I get when a lot of you say, I’ve not acknowledged his alcoholism and I’m enabling. But my head is genuinely screwed, is it me rolling my eyes every time he goes for a beer (because of what I know can happen) that’s a dick and stopping him having fun, or is that he has a problem and I need to woman up and get out. I’ve had so many years of everything being my fault it’s tough, I don’t know what a healthy relationship is.

I wouldn't be cleaning up anyone's drunken sick! You should leave it for him. He sounds disgusting. Just vile.

I've been where you are. It gets worse, not better.

I left, for the DC's sake. This is an awful environment for them to grow up in. The best thing for you and for them is to get away.

Alcohol is more important to your husband than you, or your children. He is prioritising his own wants and needs, and alcohol. You just need to prioritise you and the children. He never will.

You are not being honest. Like him you are minimising his drinking and the impact it is having on your family. Making excuses.
Your children have told both of you but you are choosing to ignore their comments as their Dad is hands on. Yes, when he is not vomiting or pissing in the bed.
The longer this continues the more damage you are doing to your children. For their sakes take on board and act on what others have told you already.

And also he should be under the legal limit and able to drive whenever he is alone with your children. Buy him a breathalizer and have him chart his alcohol levels.
Don't let him drive without blowing.

Ask him toactively self help or seek help or you will move out.

Your bar for your life partner is incredibly low @TheRealBlueMember . Take the alcoholism out of it and he's still not a very good one is he? Why live like this? What example are you setting to your children? Another case of dad living his best life on the back of mums labour.
Please want more for yourself and your kids.

Edited to add, I cannot believe you have tolerated someone puking and pissing everywhere. Why??

you’ve said he drinks 5 out of 7 nights, what does he do on the other 2 nights? For someone who’s drinking this much to suddenly stop can be dangerous. He has to recognise there is a problem, want to change and get support to do this. Can you ask your gp for advice or the aa family support. I think I would sit him down on a sober day and tell him straight everything you’ve said here. Or try going to counselling so you’ve got a 3rd party there to mediate. It’s likely too that if he’s drinking to relax he has issues to resolve he needs professional support with he can’t do it in his own. If he doesn’t engage with any of this then you have to do what’s best for the kids 💐

I have no idea how you have put up with this for so long @TheRealBlueMember. It doesn't sound like a partnership or even much of a co-parenting arrangement it sounds like you have kids plus an overgrown man child to care for and clean up after.

He is an alcoholic. Just because he isn't permanently drunk or because he once stopped drinking for a while doesn't mean he isn't an addict.

What is he contributing to family life? He is showing your kids that dad does what the F he likes (including drinking to the point of wetting the bed and vomiting) and mum just drives everyone around and cleans up the puke.

Is this what you want out of life? Out of a partner? The drink will always be his priority so why oh why should he be yours??

Please don't assume putting up with this is in any way helping your kids. It isn't.

How often is he drinking to the point of vomiting and wetting the bed? I can't understand why you have to clean it up - does he generally treat you as a maid? We've all drunk too much and had the occasional surprise vomit session but I slink off and clean it all up myself. I have never not made it to the bathroom and if he can't that suggests either does not care or cannot control. Neither are appropriate, particularly around children who have asked him to stop. His instant gratification does not trump their need to feel safe in their home.

6large cans shouldn't be enough to vomit. It is too much on a regular basis.

My DH drinks too much sometimes. I come with a reasonably unbiased view on drinking. It's not the devil but it can turn people in to one.

I'm not one to say leave but you don't sound like you need him, as the breadwinner. Does he bring more enjoyment to make this stress worth it? I can't see anyone could.