DH drinking is it too much?

[TheRealBlueMember]

I’m getting to the end of my tether. For context, I run my own business, main breadwinner, do all cooking, cleaning, most kids stuff. Admittedly DH does some school runs and stuff in the garden, but 9/10 it’s on his terms. We both work at a different pace, I rarely sit down and always doing things with the kids or house, whereas he always says he needs to relax. He finishes work far earlier than me and gets lots of holiday. I still do the above when he’s on holiday.

so with the background of all this, we come on to his drinking. When the kids were younger, he’d drink - a lot in my opinion, so I stopped even having one so that at least one of us was responsible. We have had more instances than I’d care to remember of him, in his forties, wetting the bed or vomiting all over the house. Even on holiday, after the kids asked him to stop drinking, he carries on and gets in such a state that I’m up all night cleaning up sick, so the kids don’t see anything the next day. Then of course covering for him, when he’s incapable of movement the next day. He plans his drinking schedule a week in advance, eg, can you drive here or do this, so I can have some beers. Which I understand is ok, but given his inability to switch off, feels like he prioritises drinking over anything. I guess I’m bitter, fed up of the shit I get when he is drunk, fed up of lying next to a man that stinks of beer…. Really unattractive and fed up of not being able to have a few myself for fear that he’ll be unable to control himself.

I don’t feel like this is normal behaviour for a man with kids? Or is it? All he says is, stop moaning at me, I need not to be controlled sometimes and let my hair down. To be clear, I control nothing. Everything I do is around him and the kids, if there’s ever a problem, I fix it - he wouldn’t think to. Eg, his back card blocked the washing machine and I was up fixing it, while he went to bed. He was tired. How to get him to see my point of view without having it all thrown back in my face? I don’t like the drinking and I don’t like the repercussions from his benders. Admittedly not super often when it gets really bad, but often enough. Am I just being really judgey? I’d say he has 6 large cans of beer Thursday-Sunday evenings on an average week and pub one night a week at least. Now the summers coming and football on, there’s even more excuse. I’m staying for the kids, but deep down, I don’t want to live like this. Is it me? I’d love someone to give me some perspective

Uh. I think she’s been very clear.

At any rate it doesn’t matter. They are incompatible and have different goals in life. She wants a helpmeet and he wants a servant mummy to clean up his shit snd vomit.

OP stop trying to figure out how you can change him, or figure out how you can shrink yourself smaller so as not to trigger his drinking and abuse.

As they say: You didn’t cause this, you can’t control this, and you can’t change this.

That’s great. You’re smarter than me then,

please then answer the below.

on an average week how many nights does he drink
how much does he drink on those nights
how often does he get drunk drunk

Don’t waste your time trying to get him to see your point of view. He knows what he’s doing, doesn’t care, and won’t change. It doesn’t sound like you need him for anything at all, so why prolong the agony?

@Roseyjane you must be really bored.

So that’s a no, you can’t. So why interject?

Leave, honestly just leave.

Does it really matter the actual volume? It’s ruining his relationship and impacting his children.
It’s not really about the amount as to his attitude: scheduling your life around booze, expecting your partner to always be the sober one, refusing to listen to reason or the genuine concerns of your life partner and family, this isn’t the attitude of a stable person.

not to mention his entitlement around parenting, housework, work etc.

It just sounds like he wants to do what he wants to do and he’ll manipulate the situation to ensure that any challenge from you is deflected.

If you can I would suggest accessing some therapy OP, you need a neutral space to understand and explore what your options are.

you’re not in the wrong though OP and staying “for the children” is not the always the right thing to do (rarely is)

Oh people like you do my head in massively. Nit picking for the sake of it, yes we are smarter than you cause I could see very easily from the original post that he drinks a lot, in fact it is all there in detail about the consequences. So just bore off with your little apologist for a drunk nit picking...pick me vibes.

@Roseyjane is a typical desperate PICKME type. I can smell it a mile off! The desperation lol

Below is the list of all the things that are more important to your H than alcohol. This is a list of everything he would go out of his way to do, he would get up early for, he would be happy if it made him feel ill etc.

It's not fine and it way to much alcohol. The fact he gave up for 18 months doesn't mean he's not an alcoholic. He is drinking in a way that is harming his family. He is planning his week around opportunities to drink. He is drinking to the point of vomiting. He is an alcoholic and the only thing you can do to protect your kids is to leave. That's what it comes down to. Their father is an alcoholic who behaves horribly and sets an example you wouldn't want any of your kids to ever follow, but his behaviour is tolerated and cleaned up and swept under the carpet and that's what they're learning, to be either the person who's trying desperately to cover it up and putty over the cracks or to be the first selfish arsehole who's life revolves around alcohol. Personally I don't want either of those roles for my children, its part of how i was finally able to leave him, I don't want them to turn in to.him, to become an abuser, but I also don't want them to end up in an abusive relationship because they think its their job, like their mum, to fix everything and make sure everyone else is looked after no matter the cost to themself.

It's in the OP:

"I’d say he has 6 large cans of beer Thursday-Sunday evenings on an average week and pub one night a week at least."

Not that it matters. He's a selfish arsehole who is prioritising booze over his wife and kids, and who has caused his wife to feel she has to mop up his piss and vomit on multiple occasions, and like she has to stay sober to be a responsible adult around her kids because she can't trust him to have just one or two in the pub. He's in his 40s and quite clearly not willing to admit that his lifestyle is a problem to his wife and children. He isn't going to change, and OP shouldn't tolerate staying with a man who is happy to drink to the point that he's pissing and puking and his kids are fucking begging the man to stop drinking. It's revolting, and damaging.

OP I have a friend who had an alcohol dependence - much lesser than this guy. She too gave up for 18 months and claims that this meant that she didn't have an alcohol problem, yet she had difficulty not having a couple of glasses of wine a night, and difficulty keeping those night to just a couple of glasses and not the whole bottle. Alcoholics and those who have a problematic relationship with alcohol absolutely can include those who gave it up for a while. In their view it justifies that there's no problem.

More likely just somebody who has a problematic relationship with alcohol themself that they haven't admitted to themself yet.

Sorry, he is an alcoholic.

I think your best move is to contact Al-anon for some advice and support, and plan your exit. This will already be damaging for you and your children. The best thing you can do is leave him.

He is an addict, so the alcohol will come first. You, the children, house, work won't even get a look in. Sadly, it's time to go.

Binge drinking is part of alcoholism. In a way it's harder to deal with than whiskey for breakfast type as they can claim they don't drink every day. Next time he comes home reeling video him. As the other PP said, stop doing things for him. Maybe it'll shift his mindset so he appreciates you more but living in permanent anxiety that he might lose control is awful.

But you can't negotiate with him. He doesn't want to stop drinking and it may come to the point where he drives your kids while drunk.

@VotesForWomen you're being harsh there. @Roseyjane is correct. The OP is being vague. She's said an average week but this is not enough to make someone sick. I also asked how often he is sick and the levels involved there but no answer. That's not to takeaway from the shit situation but we could perhaps offer more solid advice if we knew the extent of drinking to vomit.

Apologies @VotesForWomen. That was actually for @callmeblondee and @pikkumyy77 I'm not sure why you've been so catty.

@CommeUneVacheEspagnole because people like you and Rosy are being purposefully obtuse about trying to nail down the details before you can somehow justify it in your head whether you personally think something is a problem when the entire original post is full of horrific detail outlining the consequences of his drinking and of his terrible behaviour. Not quite sure what else you need - perhaps you and @Roseyjane have issue with booze yourselves? if so honestly I wish that you get some help. And if you think my posts were catty well, you must be fragile as well as anally retentive, desperate to apologise for drunk men, and total pick-me's. What more do you want from the OP? A whole months worth of drinking diary?? Would that make you happy? The fact a man who has kids, chooses to prioritise boozing, letting his wife pick up all the slack in the house, pukes after boozing and lays in bed with hangovers and you want to know if he drinks too much??? You both are fishy as fuck.

There's a few posts here about exactly how much he drinks, how often.
Can I just say - It doesn't matter.
Whether or not you'd call it alcoholism is, again, irrelevant.
Some might drink more, or less, it's the effect that matters and whether or not it can be controlled, and clearly here: It's a problem.
A problem that is affecting his life and those around him, that he won't address, not even when he's being physically sick, bedwetting, kids begging him to stop.

yes I think so cause I cnt think of any other reason this guys behaviour could be defended. I honestly find some folk so odd, that they cannot seem to critically think or read the entire thing and conclude that yes that sounds horrific, without knowing every other detail as if somehow they can be like "actually no he does not by my data and parameters drink that much and therefore your upset is invalid" they're like weird robots, or trolls. maybe incels?

@callmeblondee "you must be fragile as well as anally retentive, desperate to apologise for drunk men, and total pick-me's." What the fuck are you on about? Did your kids tell you about pick mes and you're desperate to use it? I'm not sure where you think that applies or why I'm desperate to apologise for drunk men. If you've read my post, you'll see that your narrative isn't correct.

What was the actual point of your post where you were asking what he drinks in an average and what amount of drink to the extent of vomiting? Are you going to work out some formula for whether you think the OPs story is valid or not? so please I am all ears, let me know what you thought you were achieving with your post other than to try and dismiss how the OP felt? What is your limit re alcohol? You think it is okay for a grown man to vomit around his house and lay in bed with hangovers? Even if that was from one beer, that beer would be too much wouldnt it - do you get it?

All those posters wanting details on exactly how much he drinks. This is in the OP:

We have had more instances than I’d care to remember of him, in his forties, wetting the bed or vomiting all over the house.

Is that not all we need to know??

OP you need to stop giving him choices of running kids around so he can drink. Stop cleaning up the vom / piss, i know its hard, you dont want it hanging around etc id struggle too but honestly if he doesn’t have to deal with it, he doesn’t see the problem. Its all cleaned up by the time he wakes up and all hes got to deal with is a dry mouth and pounding head. Let him have the hangover and deal with the mess.

my H who im currently divorcing, still lives in the house with us atm. Hes begged, pleaded, said hes going to change if i cancel the divorce, told me im wrong, he doesnt drink ridiculous amounts/drinks the same as all his mates, im making a mountain out of molehill, im ruining his life blah blah blah. Hes drinking daily still, even more now its sunny etc any excuse. Mine drinks 4x large cans of beer (2.8 units each) and around 70 units a week. Hes 43 not going to change. Its his lack of parenting, lack of anything really. Always making plans with mates/drinking weekends away with them and not his family. He cant see it. The angry pissed off twat he turns into at night, slamming doors, drinking on his own, chip on his shoulder. That noise of another can opening. The stale beer smell in the bedroom. Bloody Snoring! Ive had enough now. I want a peaceful life without him draining our finances.

you dont have to stay in this relationship op. You need to put your children first and make decisions based on them in the first instance. Thats Whats keeping me going.