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Original poster

Finances around my DH and his adult kids

94 replies

DollyBelle · 22/06/2024 20:35

I have been married for 10 years now in my 50’s. I have no DC of my own. Used to have a busy career but due to serious illness now have a disability which has made my life much reduced. I receive disability benefits but also do some freelance work when I can.
I brought my home to the marriage which I owned outright. I live within my means, budget for everything and try to have some order. My DH now owns half the house.
He earns five times what I do. He was in a fair bit of debt when I met him but with some help from me that has turned around. He had three DC, all adults 30 plus with children.
Please understand I’ve never been a parent but we now live completely different lifestyles. He constantly funds the lifestyles of his DC and says we are so lucky ‘we’ can afford to do it. He’s just taken his DC and their children on a luxury holiday which he mostly paid for. One DC has just had a huge bonus at work and had plans for it but also needs a new car. So he’s paid a considerable sum towards the car so she can ‘enjoy’ her windfall.
It was his birthday recently and he didn’t get a present from any of his DC. Same on Father’s Day.
They are living well beyond their means with foreign holidays, designer clothes etc.
I am not being a martyr I’m generous myself but I feel really down. I watch every penny I spend. We pay household bills relative to what we earn.
But he is afforded a lot of spending power because we have no rent or mortgage. The property we are in would cost at least 2k a month to rent.
Nearly all of my income now goes on bills and food due to prices right now. I have very little left over.
I am reliant on him for some care needs, but I still do most of the housework and pay to get his ironing done. I pay for a cleaner once a fortnight to help as I’m sometimes bedbound.
Should I be upset that this is how I am living? Or is it none of my business what he spends his money on once he pays his share of the bills?
To add the house needs a fair bit of work but he puts it off constantly. When he first moved in we renovated it a fair bit and I paid for it with my savings alone it ran to 50k. I have few savings now. My sister is my only relative and she feels I’ve been taken advantage of, but I want to have a balanced view.
I am open to any advice!

OP posts:
Bosabosa · 22/06/2024 20:52

You are married, you brought the house to the marriage, you got him out of debt, you are disabled, he earns 5 times more than you, your finances however are separate so you barely have anything. Your sister is right.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/06/2024 21:01

Your sister is right, this needs addressing.

Cornflakelover · 22/06/2024 21:04

Well the first thing I would be doing is ensuring that my will left half of the house to your sister with a lifetime interest in the house for your DH

He can only give his adult kids what he can due to the fact that you bailed him out of debt and he’s got no rent / mortgage

your scrimping and saving and he’s living it large by the sounds of it

RandomMess · 22/06/2024 21:07

You need to address the bill split so you actually have money for treats and savings for YOU.

You've shared your house and savings but he isn't sharing his earnings.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2024 21:08

That is shocking. You’re paying to have his clothes ironed and he’s letting you scrimp while he splashes his cash on spoilt adults?

DullFanFiction · 22/06/2024 21:14

You have little to no income, he has a nice income.

Why on earth is all your money going on food and the house whilst he is splashing out? You are married fgs!

You need to review the budget. This needs to include spending for yourself, paying towards a pension of some sorts. A joint pot that will cover all expenses (and yes this means he’ll pay for most of not all of it).
And then, only then, you can start talking about ‘supporting’ the adults dcs.

fwiw my parents would do that for me.
I would do that for my dcs.
But that will never ever be at the detriment of my spouse (or the other parent in the case of my parents).
Whatever gift he is giving them should come out of his ‘spending money’ iyswim

YankeeDad · 22/06/2024 21:14

RandomMess · 22/06/2024 21:07

You need to address the bill split so you actually have money for treats and savings for YOU.

You've shared your house and savings but he isn't sharing his earnings.

^absolutely this!

DullFanFiction · 22/06/2024 21:17

Btw I’m not sure you are taken advantage off.
But rather he was shit with money and he is still shit with money.

Unless you sit him down and ‘force’ him through a budget, one that will be fair to you and him, nothing will change.
He is still spending like there is no tomorrow and still needs you to reign in his spending so that the minimum - you having some money, repairs to the huse, aging a pension etc… - will happen.

deeahgwitch · 22/06/2024 21:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/06/2024 21:08

That is shocking. You’re paying to have his clothes ironed and he’s letting you scrimp while he splashes his cash on spoilt adults?

I agree.

Do remind him of his very ungrateful children- no birthday or Father's Day card/gift for their very generous to them (but not to you) Dad..

Livinghappy · 22/06/2024 21:31

Did he buy into the house?

thequeenoftarts · 22/06/2024 21:33

You are a sucker.. Sorry don't mean to be rude but will you pay my bills too and can I move in and take over your house and pay sweet feck all to it as well

Original poster
DollyBelle · 22/06/2024 21:38

No I changed the deeds when we got married.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 22/06/2024 21:43

I think you need to get some balance as quickly as assume he has a good pension?

Work through the assets, house equity, savings and pensions and the income. You should move towards having the same amount of spending money and anything extra should be considered as family money.

Original poster
DollyBelle · 22/06/2024 21:43

Thanks for your comments I was in two minds about posting on here. 99 per cent have been helpful.
As for being called a sucker - thanks for that. I was really independent but the change in my health has made me vulnerable in my own way. Relying on someone else for some care needs changes the power balance and sadly my sister is not nearby and I have no other family now as our parents died before I got married.
I have only ever read posts here before, never been an OP myself so I would ask if you have something constructive I’d really welcome it as I feel a bit stuck and lacking in confidence.
Thanks again to anyone who has replied in this way I really appreciate it!

OP posts:
FuzzyStripes · 22/06/2024 21:44

I think that given you are sharing your house, you need to merge all finances and agree that after bills and essentials (which includes your care needs) are paid, that you each get a budget and then any surplus is for you both to agree eg split between his children and house renovations.

DullFanFiction · 22/06/2024 21:54

@DollyBelle im in a similar position than you health wise (and unable to work).

Id say that it’s because you can’t work that pooling finances is so essential.
It’s not about you being dependent on him. It’s about you two working as a team.
Youve changed the deeds when you get married which was really kind of you and show the care you had for him.
It would be pretty normal for him to do the same for you no? And for you to accept it Wo shame or guilt - just like he accepted your gift of house of the house Wo shame or guilt.

Being unable to work is hard.
Feeling you are dependent on someone is hard (financially or physically etc….)
Please don’t make it harder for yourself through some ableist views that assume you should be able to contribute as much/do as much etc… as you would if you were in full health.

(And please pull your dh up on his behaviour too)

altmember · 22/06/2024 22:08

Stop paying to have his ironing done, he can do that himself. Ask him to do half the housework or pay the cleaner.

I presume he also took you on the luxury holiday as well? Or he just left you at home while he fucked off with his spoilt kids?

If the house needs maintenance and repairs and he's blowing the money on other things, then it's obvious why he had debt problems before. Sounds like he's also taught his kids the same financial management skills.

Onthemaintrunkline · 22/06/2024 22:09

Your sister is absolutely right, and it no doubt hurts her, seeing you so blatantly taken advantage of. Your husband is, I see, basically currying favour with his kids, who by the sound of it are a load of takers, no - he’s not playing fair in the slightest.

Original poster
DollyBelle · 22/06/2024 22:10

altmember · 22/06/2024 22:08

Stop paying to have his ironing done, he can do that himself. Ask him to do half the housework or pay the cleaner.

I presume he also took you on the luxury holiday as well? Or he just left you at home while he fucked off with his spoilt kids?

If the house needs maintenance and repairs and he's blowing the money on other things, then it's obvious why he had debt problems before. Sounds like he's also taught his kids the same financial management skills.

I can’t travel far and couldn’t go. He did offer to take me but knows it’s not something I can do these days.

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 22/06/2024 22:11

PS….I’d be pulling the plug on having his ironing done! No pun intended!

AhNowTed · 22/06/2024 22:11

Separate the 2 things OP.

Him spending money on his children is irrelevant.

Him watching you go short while he has plenty is entirely the point.

Original poster
DollyBelle · 22/06/2024 22:15

DullFanFiction · 22/06/2024 21:54

@DollyBelle im in a similar position than you health wise (and unable to work).

Id say that it’s because you can’t work that pooling finances is so essential.
It’s not about you being dependent on him. It’s about you two working as a team.
Youve changed the deeds when you get married which was really kind of you and show the care you had for him.
It would be pretty normal for him to do the same for you no? And for you to accept it Wo shame or guilt - just like he accepted your gift of house of the house Wo shame or guilt.

Being unable to work is hard.
Feeling you are dependent on someone is hard (financially or physically etc….)
Please don’t make it harder for yourself through some ableist views that assume you should be able to contribute as much/do as much etc… as you would if you were in full health.

(And please pull your dh up on his behaviour too)

Thanks so much for your understanding. I work when I am able to, and have skills which allow me to do so from home.
I realise I have become a bit insular and building up
my own confidence and spending more time with friends will help? I actually have some really good friends.
However, most of them assume I’m very comfortable financially and can afford what they can. But they certainly would be happier to do things that would match my budget and ability level.

OP posts:
spicysamosahotcupoftea · 22/06/2024 22:21

Curious as to whether you've ever discussed this with him or tried?

Pigeonqueen · 22/06/2024 22:47

As a starting point, you should both have equal spending money. All income pooled, all bills / outgoings etc taken out and what is left over split between you both. (I am actually in a really similar situation- disability, dh moved into a house I owned outright, we now own half each, he works and I don’t - this is how we split our money). Then if he chooses to spend his money on his adult children that’s up to him but currently he is being subsidised by you by the fact he doesn’t have to pay for housing, and you are being taken advantage of.

Moredrama · 22/06/2024 23:40

DullFanFiction · 22/06/2024 21:54

@DollyBelle im in a similar position than you health wise (and unable to work).

Id say that it’s because you can’t work that pooling finances is so essential.
It’s not about you being dependent on him. It’s about you two working as a team.
Youve changed the deeds when you get married which was really kind of you and show the care you had for him.
It would be pretty normal for him to do the same for you no? And for you to accept it Wo shame or guilt - just like he accepted your gift of house of the house Wo shame or guilt.

Being unable to work is hard.
Feeling you are dependent on someone is hard (financially or physically etc….)
Please don’t make it harder for yourself through some ableist views that assume you should be able to contribute as much/do as much etc… as you would if you were in full health.

(And please pull your dh up on his behaviour too)

Absolutely this!

The fact that you put his name on the deeds but he’s not sharing finances with you is terrible.

Speak to him about sharing finances, but don’t mention what he spends on his DC as this will just get his back up (unless he’s starts to say he can’t afford it, then of course point out that he needs to provide inside the home before providing for other adults).
If he refuses and is happy to see you struggle then I would really consider whether you want to go into old age with someone like this, when your health is already compromised. Given the length of time you’ve been married of course this will affect your assets, but as he’s a good earner and you have limited earning potential now so this will be factored in as well.
If he refuses and you do decide to stay, definitely leave your assets to your sister in your will, and note the reasons why so he can’t try to contest it.