Finances around my DH and his adult kids

[DollyBelle]

I have been married for 10 years now in my 50’s. I have no DC of my own. Used to have a busy career but due to serious illness now have a disability which has made my life much reduced. I receive disability benefits but also do some freelance work when I can.
I brought my home to the marriage which I owned outright. I live within my means, budget for everything and try to have some order. My DH now owns half the house.
He earns five times what I do. He was in a fair bit of debt when I met him but with some help from me that has turned around. He had three DC, all adults 30 plus with children.
Please understand I’ve never been a parent but we now live completely different lifestyles. He constantly funds the lifestyles of his DC and says we are so lucky ‘we’ can afford to do it. He’s just taken his DC and their children on a luxury holiday which he mostly paid for. One DC has just had a huge bonus at work and had plans for it but also needs a new car. So he’s paid a considerable sum towards the car so she can ‘enjoy’ her windfall.
It was his birthday recently and he didn’t get a present from any of his DC. Same on Father’s Day.
They are living well beyond their means with foreign holidays, designer clothes etc.
I am not being a martyr I’m generous myself but I feel really down. I watch every penny I spend. We pay household bills relative to what we earn.
But he is afforded a lot of spending power because we have no rent or mortgage. The property we are in would cost at least 2k a month to rent.
Nearly all of my income now goes on bills and food due to prices right now. I have very little left over.
I am reliant on him for some care needs, but I still do most of the housework and pay to get his ironing done. I pay for a cleaner once a fortnight to help as I’m sometimes bedbound.
Should I be upset that this is how I am living? Or is it none of my business what he spends his money on once he pays his share of the bills?
To add the house needs a fair bit of work but he puts it off constantly. When he first moved in we renovated it a fair bit and I paid for it with my savings alone it ran to 50k. I have few savings now. My sister is my only relative and she feels I’ve been taken advantage of, but I want to have a balanced view.
I am open to any advice!

This is really sad, OP. You helped him and he isn't doing the same for you.

This is so sad to read OP.
Not only has he massively taken advantage of you, he's spoiling his adult children. Prioritising them over you - his life partner, who he's made serious vows to.
I can understand him helping them out in dire need, which luxury holidays are not.
With this strict share of bills, you're more like housemates not spouses.

Unfortunately you've put yourself in a weak position by marrying and granting him half the house. You can ask for equal spending blah2 but if he won't listen see a solicitor.

I'd consider what he's doing financial abuse actually. Given that angle you might be able to obtain a greater share of assets.

Realistically you should just stop paying for anything and tell him you have to discuss the financials, all income into a shared account.

Why did you put him on the deeds?

Why do you pay for his ironing if he earns 5x what you do?

This is very perplexing.

I don't understand why you pay to get his ironing done. Why is that your responsibility? Surely he managed this before you got married?

Put a stop to that and tell him, you don't have the financial means to keep doing it. He can do it himself or pay for it.

I agree with your sister as well.

Did you ring-fence the funds for your stake in the house before adding him on?

Does he have a will?
Has he provided for you in it? Like a pp said, leave your half to your sister.

Are you living a better lifestyle than you were before you met him? Because it really doesn't sound like it.

Does he actually know you could do with some money? I can't see that your being taken advantage of tho because you voluntarily gave him half the house etc. He is doing right by having fun with his kids no matter what age your kids are your kids. Maybe all it needs is a sit down chat

I think you’ve two issues. The here and now, where you are seeing income waltz out the door through your DH’s magnanimous giving to adults who are independent. And you’ve used up savings and sacrificed your full home ownership which seriously depleted your future reserves. At your age, and presumably his, you must be thinking about retirement and pensions. Your greatest risk is divorcing in the next 10-15 years (assuming you want to stay together.) What’s the pension pot? This is a stage in his life when he’s post-dependent children/university, living in a house that he’s got 50% of, and he should be cash-rich, maxing out the pension contributions for your JOINT secure futures.

So if I were you, I’d work backwards, start the conversation about what life looks like at 65, 70, 75; when your car(s) might need changing; health insurance; house maintenance and/or future downsizing; future holidays you can both enjoy; and that will illustrate the big financial hike he’s creating now that leaves you cash-poor now. Would you make a joint appointment with a financial/retirement planner, as a starter?

Stop doing the things like paying for his ironing. Keep that as money for you! You need to talk to him, you’ve shared everything, helped him so much and his focus is his children. If there was a holiday you could do and you asked him to take you, would he gladly? I’m asking to determine how much he’s generally generous so it’s more of an oblivious slightly lazy idiot behaviour, or whether it’s he’s just not really supportive and loving to you. If you have very little left after the money split, you need to talk about this. If he doesn’t do much around the house you need to talk about this. And dear god STOP with his ironing!! How the fuck do men get to adulthood with the expectation relationships come with ironing elves?? I’ve been married for some time and never ever done his ironing, or in any way contemplated it to be my responsibility. I can’t believe you’re paying for it.

You sorted out your DH's debts and gave your DH half your house for nothing, yet he doesn't share finances with you despite earning 5 times what you do???

It's not clear whether you've spoken to him about this previously (he should really have approached you though!), however if you haven't, you need to asap.

Your DP should be giving you at least 2/5 of his monthly pay given how much you have supported him financially.

If you paid for the home, are now disabled and earn 1/5 what he does, why on Earth is he making you contribute to any bills or food costs??
setting aside the income disparity, he’s saving 1k a month on rent which surely covers all bills and food?
maybe he hadn’t noticed the situation is unfair, but you definitely should have a chat about it

Hi OP

Wll done for addressing this situation. I would start by setting up a separate bank account to put in the money you make freelancing. Have a nest egg just for you.

You bought a house to the equation, spent your savings and helped with his debts when he could not. Now, he has to step up as he earns 5 times more.

His children sound like they take him for granted and will be money grabbing.

What is the situation with his will? Do you get everything as wife or get to remain the house or would it have to be sold to give his children his half share? I am not a lawyer but maybe something to think about carefully. Secure your future. His children would descend wanting inheritance money so secure yourself.

The focus of your irritation is his adult kids.

That's a smokescreen and a diversion of your anger, so you don't have to tackle the real issue. Which is your DH and his lack of contribution to your own household. And your avoidance of saying anything to him.

The fact his kids don't give him birthday presents is irrelevant. He's the ungrateful person taking advantage of you. Which is hard for you to accept, so you prefer to divert blame his adult kids.

You don't have a mortgage but he needs to contribute more to the running costs of the house.
Your part in this is that you unwittingly set yourself up as his caregiver figure, his lavish benefactor because naturally you wanted to facilitate your relationship.

And now it's tricky to change out of that role, but you'll have to sit him down and maybe write out all the costs and the incomes on a piece of paper.
Try to make it a collaborative future planning discussion and not an accusation.

You’re at serious risk of losing your home if your DH has left his portion to his children. What’s the set up re your ownership? You need to stop paying for the ironing and cleaning out of your money. Get a joint account set up for all bills.

Who took care of you (if required) when he was away on his luxury holiday?

I would be leaving my share of these house to your DS (with right to live in to DH); otherwise you’ll be gifting your other share to his children.

He sounds like a great father. Regardless of what it looks like, life for people in their 30s with children is not easy. They've inherited a weaker economy and record tax burden, have paid or are paying outrageous childcare bills, live in increasingly unaffordable housing, earn measly wages compared with other countries and get none of the public services you've benefited from over your lifetime. You've also clearly benefited financially from not having any children to support, unlike your husband. Resentment builds when you fail to directly address your problems. So unless you've told your husband exactly how you feel, it feels unfair to harbour this grudge. As his wife, you must have the conversation with him and give him a chance to fix things. And while you're at it, get him to do his own ironing!

The will is set up so my side goes to my sister. When we married I did more work which was far more better paid so I had more freedom.
i was on my own while he was away.
i have been several times before and have usually been ok. But this time I was really poorly and it was unpleasant but his thoughts are is he needs a holiday.
We do usually have a holiday in the UK too but I’m not up to it right now.
To everyone who has commented on his DC you are right - it’s not them who are the issue.
My own parents were very generous with us, but my own dad would have never given to us whilst leaving my mum without. And certainly not for things we could afford ourselves.
We have tried to ‘sit down’ in the past and have a plan but he forgets what it is or says he likes to live in the moment and that his ADHD means he can’t deal with it.
He will give me money if I ask. He will do a bit more in the house if I ask. But it’s the constant asking. He tells me to lower my standards but how low do I go? As I’m at home so much I don’t want to live in a mess.
He upset me a couple of Christmases ago by telling me I only married him to get a babysitter for myself and that really stung.
I had some therapy last year which helped.

If you pay proportionally for the bills you should both have spare money left? Does he need to contribute more?

I understand all of that. I am a trained accountant by trade and believe me I get it.
What I don’t get is not paying your rent when you have children and then using your money for luxury labels. Or not paying your utility bills, spending money on designer stuff for your kids, and both parents stepping in to bail out the rent and gas/electricity.
I have absolutely no problem with a parent helping out financially - mine often did. But if my dad gave me money to help with basics and I then spent it on my hair and nails, I would not have got another handout.
I think this time I was upset because one DC got a major bonus at work and so to ensure she could have some fun with it, he’s given a lump sum towards a car she really needs. I know his DS is upset because he’s pretty stable and never asks for much - but that is not my business as you say.
My issue is that I watch every penny I spend, and he is well aware of that, but when he spends on his DC he says… aren’t we lucky ‘we’ can afford it? He can afford it.
At the heart of it isn’t money, is really that I feel we are not a team. He was absolutely fine with me spending most of my life savings renovating the house, and now he gives his income away like there’s no tomorrow.
Two of his DC are in major debt, they will use vital funds on Botox and hair and clothes, and then not pay the water bill. Sometimes my DH has had to buy food or pay mobile phone bills, and the next week they will be having a weekend away or going to an expensive concert.
By the way, his eldest is only ten years younger than me. I have friends the same age who are struggling with all the issues you have mentioned and I get it.

He is not being unreasonable to want to spend money on his adult kids but you need to consolidate your finances so that you and he have the same standard of living. Good luck op

You should say I really do feel like you think I’m grasping here. If you think that, please deed back my half of the house I freely gave you and leave. You will leave debt free due to my efforts on your behalf, and I will have no savings as I didn’t even think to ask you to contribute and you sure didn’t think to offer.

you are at risk here that a divorce means you lose your house :( and that’s a horrible thing for him to say.

and I’m going to say it again- leave him his own ironing!!! And everything else, he’s an adult and you’re not his mum, he needs to clean up after himself

What a difficult and awful situation to find yourself in op.

He needs to take over paying 75% of the bills (adjusted ny direct debit so he doesn’t have to remember ) pay for his own ironing and cleaning help. The money you have saved needs to be put away as a ‘just in case’ fund. You are vulnerable without a steady income and poor health, and it sounds like a savings pot would go a long way to helping you feel safer about the future.

The income should be joint as you share everything legally,so he should be sharing everything with you now op.

I don’t begrudge him the holidays , it’s hard for him too with your disability but I wonder how your need to be loved and cared for are being met in the marriage?

You mention that your side of the house is willed to your sister. (Presumably with your husband having a lifetime interest?) But what about his half? You absolutely need to satisfy yourself that he has left it to you in his will, rather than his adult children.

I can understand why your husband is so generous to his adult children (I'm just about to gift a large sum to my only child but still have enough savings for my own requirements) but he should be prioritising your needs first. Financial security and stability are so important for peace of mind, particularly when thinking about retirement and pensions giving enough income to lead a happy and fulfilled retirement. I think you need to maybe make a list of your key points in bullet form (as you're an accountant I bet you're good at this sort of stuff!) and then sit down and talk to him about how you resolve the situation in a fair and amicable fashion.

Regarding his ADHD I think that's irrelevant - he's a high earner and your husband so he has financial responsibilities towards you (as well as the moral ones in view of your early help with his finances). If he struggles with the concept, then leave your list of bullet points with him to mull over. You need to start getting assertive here to sort this out once and for all. You sound lovely and have definitely been taken advantage of. I assume he doesn't have much in the way of savings either - given how much he is giving to his adult children.

And of course stop paying for the ironing - that will also have the effect of sending a message to him. I think you will be able to get this sorted, he's just been used to having a very easy time financially. His autonomy with his own finances is all very well, but you are a team as you are married and he needs to finance your household fairly.

So if he has ADHD and can't cope with these finances discussions then tell him that either you set up a joint account for shared bills and each contribute by direct debit proportionate to income or that he agrees to take on a bunch of bills/costs. Again he can set up by direct debit.

If he refuses to do that then you've got yourself someone who actually isn't fully in this partnership

OP, has he written a will?
I have concerns that his 'share' of your home will be given to his DC and that you risk losing it entirely to pay them off (should he die before you).

Honestly, he's a fool if he's spending all his money on ungrateful kids. What if he needs care in older age? If he confident they'll step up and provide it? Using his income to curry favour with these greedy adults is leaving both of you vulnerable as the years go by.

As for giving him half your house, that YOUR money he's spending on those people.

OP, has he written a will?
I have concerns that his 'share' of your home will be given to his DC and that you risk losing it entirely to pay them off (should he die before you)

This - you need to make sure he doesn't sign over his part of the house. Honestly I think you would be better off separating now while you're young enough to work. You might have to sell & buy a flat or something instead. But I can't see what you're getting from the relationship.

Why did he have nothing when you got together?

Also my Dad was always the same. He would help if something went wrong but it wouldn't have gone down well if I had spent money on Botox and designer clothes while he was helping with leaky roof or something like that.

Do any of his children own homes? Or was bonus spent on designer brands & a 4x4 car? A bonus plus your husbands help would have got them on housing ladder.