Finances around my DH and his adult kids

[DollyBelle]

I have been married for 10 years now in my 50’s. I have no DC of my own. Used to have a busy career but due to serious illness now have a disability which has made my life much reduced. I receive disability benefits but also do some freelance work when I can.
I brought my home to the marriage which I owned outright. I live within my means, budget for everything and try to have some order. My DH now owns half the house.
He earns five times what I do. He was in a fair bit of debt when I met him but with some help from me that has turned around. He had three DC, all adults 30 plus with children.
Please understand I’ve never been a parent but we now live completely different lifestyles. He constantly funds the lifestyles of his DC and says we are so lucky ‘we’ can afford to do it. He’s just taken his DC and their children on a luxury holiday which he mostly paid for. One DC has just had a huge bonus at work and had plans for it but also needs a new car. So he’s paid a considerable sum towards the car so she can ‘enjoy’ her windfall.
It was his birthday recently and he didn’t get a present from any of his DC. Same on Father’s Day.
They are living well beyond their means with foreign holidays, designer clothes etc.
I am not being a martyr I’m generous myself but I feel really down. I watch every penny I spend. We pay household bills relative to what we earn.
But he is afforded a lot of spending power because we have no rent or mortgage. The property we are in would cost at least 2k a month to rent.
Nearly all of my income now goes on bills and food due to prices right now. I have very little left over.
I am reliant on him for some care needs, but I still do most of the housework and pay to get his ironing done. I pay for a cleaner once a fortnight to help as I’m sometimes bedbound.
Should I be upset that this is how I am living? Or is it none of my business what he spends his money on once he pays his share of the bills?
To add the house needs a fair bit of work but he puts it off constantly. When he first moved in we renovated it a fair bit and I paid for it with my savings alone it ran to 50k. I have few savings now. My sister is my only relative and she feels I’ve been taken advantage of, but I want to have a balanced view.
I am open to any advice!

I would rather not say if that’s ok. It is a generative condition which means I can no longer drive, or walk outside. I have a falls monitor, home aids around my home, and a wheelchair for outside.
I worked 20 hours a week 10 years ago when k was nowhere near as bad. Due to my age and acceleration in what’s happening there is no cure and I won’t get better.
I actually accept it now, it’s not great, but I’m not a victim. I have great friends, I take a huge interest in the world, and even a few hours of work here and there keeps me engaged.

I just want to thank everyone for their advice. I have not posted on here before, only read other OP posts.
I will check out now and again thanks for your opinions - lots of different ones which is actually really helpful.
You are a great bunch on here.
And the threads about awful first dates are legendary.

“The fact that you put his name on the deeds but he’s not sharing finances with you is terrible.”

This.

Posters suggesting he signs his half back to you - I’m not sure that would help in the event of divorce, say.

If his ADHD means he forgets talks you have etc then you need to be his first spend, not his last. Standing order to your account (not a joint account) of £x per month, whatever you need for bills, cleaner, to live on nicely, to contribute to a pension, to pay his ironing service, to put into a house repairs account etc, on the day after pay day.

Then he can splurge all his non essential money on his DC if he wants, but YOU will be secure.

Sory to hear that Op, but all the more important to think of yourself.Put your needs first, he doesn't get to decide his whole wage is for him, alone.

Do you think knowing what’s going on with the OP will help sort out her dh behaviour??

On MN, an answer to that question usually attracts many answers basically judging whether the OP can actually work or not. Very often based on complete assumptions.
And calls for the person to work (more), even though they’ve stated they can’t.

And all of that, despite the fact it has no relation with the issue.

I never really understood why people are so fascinated with others disclosing their health records. As if it was a due as soon as you are disabled/chronically ill - see too demands as to why you need a disabled seat, why you are in a wheelchair etc… that so many people think it’s ok to ask.

I agree there.

Youve put him first since the start.
You still sort out his shirts even though you are bedbound fgs.

Time to look after yourself.
To stop pushing yourself to work when you are so unwell.
To demand repairs to the house are done.
To have a cleaner.
AND to pool finances into one joint account.

Because one the consequences of the current arrangement is also that you ate spending money (PIP) on day to day stuff when it should be spent on things that make your life easier. Whatever that might be for you.

They sound awful! Real users.

in your position I would treat my family to small things but only to the degree I was comfortable with.

The nature of the illness/disability is directly relevant to the OP's earning potential and what financial help she would get if she left him. That poster didn't demand intimate details.

Yes it is relevant.

But the OP saying she can’t do X or need help with Y should be enough.

There is so much variability within one illness anyway that knowing what illness the OP will tell you nothing about her ability to work or do stuff around the house. So best just to listen to her and believe her rather than assume based on a condition name.

The poster asked personal questions and said she understood why OP wasn't being specific. I think you're projecting and being unfair.

If you were single you could probably claim benefits other than the disability if you can’t work/earn much. But as you are married they will take his income into account. So because of this he needs to share more of his income with you! I personally think married couples should share all money, but even if not that, in your situation he needs to share more.

Can only do that if house has been purchased as 'tenants in common'.

Your husband is putting his adult children, who are able to work and support themselves above you, his wife, who can not work and support herself. Truly awful. You need to sit him down and tell him you would like things to change so that he treats you like his wife and not hired help.

Listen to your sister.

OP, you gave him half your house, he watches you struggle and spends his (plenty of) money on his children. You are being taken massive advantage of.

I think you need to get some expert help. If he doesn't touch you 'down there' it's no wonder you are not enjoying your live making and not reaching orgasm.

I personally think you need to have him just touching you (including down there) and no intercourse until he gets the hang of it. You could always show him how to.

I believe it's relatively straight forward to change to tenants in common and that you don't need the permission of the other owner. Disclaimer: IANAL

OP, I agree that you need to refocus.
Please contact Women's aid and Age Action.
You are being financially abused, whether you realise it or not.
You have beggered paying for your house and your wealthy husband lives the high life off you, gifting his children.
You sound like a bright intelligent woman but you are vulnerable and you are being abused.
You mind every penny whilst he gifts his children.
Get some solid figures together of both incomes and the breakdown of things.
Stop paying for cleaners and ironing, that is absolutely ridiculous.
Could you move closer to your sister, in assisted living?
Seek help, you deserve so much better than this.
You have been royally taken advantage of.
Good men don't behave like this.
Why are women so giving?
Always giving their assets to mean men.
It's so sad.

You seem unhappy OP and your sister is right.
I think you need to get some legal advice .
At the moment your husband and his children are benefiting from your money / house etc , what do you want ?
If you want your share of any money assets to go to your family you need to get that sorted legally.
I think you are very vulnerable and need to address this

How does he own half of the house? Please don’t say you transferred half ownership to him. You are being taken for a ride.