Finances around my DH and his adult kids

[DollyBelle]

I have been married for 10 years now in my 50’s. I have no DC of my own. Used to have a busy career but due to serious illness now have a disability which has made my life much reduced. I receive disability benefits but also do some freelance work when I can.
I brought my home to the marriage which I owned outright. I live within my means, budget for everything and try to have some order. My DH now owns half the house.
He earns five times what I do. He was in a fair bit of debt when I met him but with some help from me that has turned around. He had three DC, all adults 30 plus with children.
Please understand I’ve never been a parent but we now live completely different lifestyles. He constantly funds the lifestyles of his DC and says we are so lucky ‘we’ can afford to do it. He’s just taken his DC and their children on a luxury holiday which he mostly paid for. One DC has just had a huge bonus at work and had plans for it but also needs a new car. So he’s paid a considerable sum towards the car so she can ‘enjoy’ her windfall.
It was his birthday recently and he didn’t get a present from any of his DC. Same on Father’s Day.
They are living well beyond their means with foreign holidays, designer clothes etc.
I am not being a martyr I’m generous myself but I feel really down. I watch every penny I spend. We pay household bills relative to what we earn.
But he is afforded a lot of spending power because we have no rent or mortgage. The property we are in would cost at least 2k a month to rent.
Nearly all of my income now goes on bills and food due to prices right now. I have very little left over.
I am reliant on him for some care needs, but I still do most of the housework and pay to get his ironing done. I pay for a cleaner once a fortnight to help as I’m sometimes bedbound.
Should I be upset that this is how I am living? Or is it none of my business what he spends his money on once he pays his share of the bills?
To add the house needs a fair bit of work but he puts it off constantly. When he first moved in we renovated it a fair bit and I paid for it with my savings alone it ran to 50k. I have few savings now. My sister is my only relative and she feels I’ve been taken advantage of, but I want to have a balanced view.
I am open to any advice!

Why did you change the deeds on the house? I take it he has no assets of his own. If so I wonder if that’s another reason he’s spending your joint money on his kids like there’s no tomorrow, because he’s now got half of a huge asset. The security he’s not had before or for a long time.

I think you should see a solicitor asap. Even if he’s made a will and his half of the house goes to you, like a PP says, those greedy kids of his may contest it in the event of him passing away before you. Plus the potential divorce / never being able to buy the kids out issue. You are in a very vulnerable situation, can you not see this? Even discounting the above issues, you’ve not much savings. And what about a pension?

To be fair, if he goes first everything goes to me.
I am mid 50s but I will never work again in a normal sense. My condition is that I am mostly housebound and often bedbound.
I am aware that age will impact what’s wrong. I do take the best care of myself I can, I don’t drink or smoke.
DH does take me to all my medical appointments and has never let me down on that front.
As I can’t go far I don’t need a lot of money. But I have less ‘spare’ money now due to rising costs.

What a difficult situation you’re in.

Your sister is right. He is taking advantage of you.

Everyone is having a wonderful life at your expense, so I’d just stop paying for everything. If he can afford luxury holidays for everyone, he can afford to pay the bills so your disability payments can be used to enhance your current existence.

I have an uneasy feeling he will fall back into debt trying to prove himself and put you and your home at risk.

As it was 10 years ago and we got married I just assumed as we were married it would be classed as partly his anyway.
My health was a bit better then - I worked 20 hours a week from home, the pay was good and there was more support then in terms of support.

Would you be financially worse or better off without him ?
It's hard to tell from your posts.

Unfortunately as you put the house in joint names, I suspect you may lose some of it if you separate.

I'd be worried about what happens when you need more care, will he stick around for that, and what happens with the house if he doesn't.

I'm with your sister, it seems unfair that one member of the couple is nearly out of funds meanwhile the other spend in luxuries.
Things need addressing, half of your house is now his, what about half of his money? 50/50 means exactly that.

You aren’t a lodger - you’re married and so his earnings should be shared. He could easily pay for all household expenditure including his ironing and the cleaner.
This would free up money for you to enjoy life - no wonder you resent the cash he throws at his children. You can’t stop him but you should be able to renovate your home and have some luxuries yourself.

I married for a second time and the house is 98% mine. It will not be split on divorce or death. We have separate incomes and we have a joint account for all things domestic and couple related. We both have our own children.

Sadly you didn't secure your house when you married. I presume this was because you do not have children of your own? You also used savings for work on the house?

This was your choice and while he may do things with his money that you don't agree with it doesn't seem right to say " well you live in our house which was mine but you need to pay rent" . He does however need to pay half of all household bills.

I have never asked him to pay rent.
Nor would I ever do.
But I wish I’d thought it through at the time…

I think you were a fool to change the deeds to effectively gift him half your house. He won't share his income with you. Make him pay for his own ironing and the cleaner. Tell him you want a complete review of finances. It is very unfair ATM. Make a will and leave your sister your half of the house otherwise he'll just gift it to his adult DC. I'd tell him he changes or you will divorce him. In a divorce you'd probably get more than half of your house back because your earnings capacity is limited due to disability.

Oh and to answer your original question. It's nice to treat adult DCs with some things like a meal out, or a deposit on a house, or the odd holiday- if you can afford it. However seems like he is making impulsive decisions that he can only afford because he pays no rent or mortgage.

Maybe counselling is what you need to try and discuss these issues, if you want the relationship to continue.

He's doing his children no favours when bailing them out to pay for life's essentials when they fritter money on frivolous things.
Sh*t parenting.

Truthfully OP - I have seen the most reasonable of people ch age personality and tactics overnight when it comes to Wills and inheritance. It's hideous behaviour.

His DC will undoubtedly see your home as theirs to inherit in the future. Without a doubt. They already see Daddy as a cashcow - who on Earth doesn't spoil their Dad on Father's Day or Birthdays when he is so generous to them? That says quite a lot about out their character.

They will 100% go after your home.

He needs to put in writing to his solicitor, not only what's written in the will, but a declaration to his children that the home has always been yours and not for them to lay any claim to.

DH and I have recently tightened up our wills together after hearing too many horror stories of greedy relatives, devious new partners etc.

You're in a very vulnerable position and I'm concerned that this stress will make you worse.

Do you have a frank and open relationship with his DC? What are they like with you?

@DollyBelle

DH does take me to all my medical appointments and has never let me down on that front

I think you would be better off without him though & I'm sure some of your lovely friends would help out.

What do you gain from the relationship other than this? It doesn't sound like you do many fun things together. I'm sure you could manage a nice meal out, theatre, cinema, an overnight stay at a nice hotel in the UK. It sounds like you are having to be frugal and count every penny while your step children live the high life. Just because you're not as mobile as previously it doesn't mean you can't do anything nice!

*change personality

Also it sounds like they don't treat him nicely back. Do they get you anything for Christmas or birthday?

Do you want to separate from him? Maybe move close to your DS? Speak to the NHS for home assistance?

Has he ever offered to replenish your savings? He could reduce funding his adult children and give you the money. After all, your generosity is allowing him financial freedom.

Hope you manage to sort it.

The focus of your irritation is his adult kids.

That's a smokescreen and a diversion of your anger, so you don't have to tackle the real issue. Which is your DH and his lack of contribution to your own household. And your avoidance of saying anything to him.

This!!!!

Your past and current actions are part of the problem. You’ve expected very little from this man financially and unsurprisingly he has become accustomed to that.

I'd offer your DH two choices:

1. Sign his share of your home back to you (remind him of him only being cash-rich because of your kindness and generosity to him)

1. He puts all his earnings in a joint account and you both get an 'allowance' into your personal accounts. What he does with his personal allowance is up to him but at least your joint account and whatever savings you have from that, has to be managed and expenditures agreed to by you both.

If he disagrees, then I'd cut your losses right now. Who's to say that his generous cash gifts won't eat into all his money? Has he got credit card debt in his name? All this could risk your home anyway.

I'm actually quite anxious even thinking about all your possible scenarios.

Big mistake putting him on the deeds.

Hope you have that conversation with him.He can't have it all his own way.If you divorced him he'd have to share some pension with you, find somewhere else to live.
You might be in a worse position but so would he.You do have some power in this more than you think.Don't put up with this if you don't like it.

I can tell you don't want to say exaactly why you are not able to work anymore.Probably because it might be outting, can you never work again now, is the problem, that social help has dwindled?You said you worked 20 hours before.
Do you have nobody but him around? Your sister being faraway?
I don't want to sound insenitive, I hope you get a better result from your relationship.

Very limited contact with two eldest. They probably see us at home three or four times a year. I get on really well with his DS, he’s the youngest and does spend more time here.
They do know how I feel but their own mum is in a similar position. Lives on her own, disabled, and is now in debt sadly taking out loans to cover their debts.
The last time anyone in the family mentioned this behaviour that person was iced out and not spoken to.
I was really really close to my dad. So I appreciate the role a great dad plays. He gave me the deposit for the house I now live in (back in the days when it was less than £5,000!) and continued towards my first two cars. He was really generous at birthdays and Christmas. He outlived my mum by many years and we were so close - I looked after him up until he passed away.

As it was 10 years ago and we got married I just assumed as we were married it would be classed as partly his anyway.

That’s true, but you could have - still can - bequeathed your house to your sister, someone else, a charity. There was no need to sign over half the house to him. Do you really want the money grabbing kids inheriting that house which I assume is worth a significant six figure sum?

I do think you're focusing too much on his DC even though they sound awful. You haven't said why you have to pay for his ironing and cleaning, surely that's a household cost? He needs to share his money with you as you did earlier on in the relationship.