Why does he not love me like he loves others?

[Wahterry]

I’m not sure what I’m asking for really. Perhaps just to vent as I feel really sad this evening.

Both DC are now teens and do their own thing. DH just never instigates anything with me unless it is to do with making dinner plans, kids, family or general chit chat. I try to connect with compliments, asking about his day, etc..nothing really returned to me. I feel
invisible.

Everyone thinks he’s amazing, talented funny and charismatic. He is these things but with me, he’s the opposite. I don’t feel he’s interested. Sex has not happened for years. I get sighs/ pulled funny faces and told not to put pressure on him. I’ve given up asking as it feels like I’m begging and is totally demoralising.

We’ve had a rough time with deaths in the family lately and I’ve been there for him. The other day I suggested we go for a family meal but he caused an argument and we didn’t go. No is his favourite word with me

It’s making me feel empty and unloveable, I long for a man to hold and kiss me passionately. I might get breadcrumbs of affection if I bring it up or get angry, but very quickly he goes back to his usual cold self with me. The dog and his kindle get more attention.

Should I leave him?

In a word, yes

Why would you want to stay with such a man?. What are you getting out if this relationship now, nothing from what you write about it. Is this how you potentially want to spend the rest of your days?. How would you feel about potentially becoming his carer?.

I would also think your children are all too aware that something is badly amiss between you and their father. They may well be off doing their own things but it does not mean they are not aware of what’s happening within their home to an extent even if you and he do not row in front of them. They pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you two.

That sounds extremely sad. I'm sure it impacts your self-esteem too. You deserve love and passion. Maybe consider couples' counselling to understand why your husband is so indifferent to your needs. It's possible he has fallen out of love and doesn't really care about the relationship anymore. Either way, it might be better to separate and be happy.

@Fiery30 thank you and everyone for their advice. I think he has stopped loving me yet weirdly he says he hasn’t and wouldn’t know what he’d do without me.

He has refused counselling and got angry the last time I tried to broach us having sex.

Thr teens are definitely aware and sadly been affected. Just wish I had more strength to leave but I’m scared of having nothing.

But you have nothing now. In your own words, no affection. You feel like you don’t exist.

life is too short.

I'm so sorry. It really sounds like he isn't in love with you anymore. I would let him go at this point. You deserve someone who loves you, fancies you and is always interested in everything about you.

He sounds like a coward, making you feel empty and worthless just to keep the status quo.

I'm guessing you do the cooking and cleaning?

Not only does he not love you, but he also has contempt for you (face pulling, sighing). This isn't something that can be fixed by going to counselling. I think you need to accept your marriage is over. He won't leave you because, I'm gussing, he has an image to maintain as an awesome family guy and all round decent chap with a beautiful family. He 'doesn't know what he would do without you' ie, current set up works for him so why would he change a thing? He has a wife and family without having to really engage with you.

I'm sorry, it's shit, but imagine living with this man for the rest of your life. That would be worse.

You won't have nothing! You'll have everything. Self respect. Self worth, freedom. You'll be able to meet people, do as you please, be loved

I think it sounds miserable so I would say yes.

Just one thing though... is he at an age where he could be suffering erectile dysfunction and he doesn't want to admit it. Closing down anything that could be romantic such as meals and the like? Just food for thought. I'm taking it he has never mentioned anything. Wonder how he'd react if you asked him and said you were thinking of leaving as you were so unhappy...

After you get your ducks in a row of course, just in case.

Don't live like this OP.
The precious days of your life are slipping away and you deserve better.

Also, what are you teaching your children about relationships? in the nicest way possible, it's not just about you anymore. And please don't think children don't know. They know, and that knowledge won't be a conscious knowledge, it will be an indelible scar that they will carry into their own adult relationships.

I'm not one who ever jumps to telling people to leave someone....but yes, it sounds like you should. What does the relationship you want look like?

Thank you for all your comments, he’s gone into the spare room and I’m so relieved.

I feel seen on here by you all. I hate him so much now and I hate myself for how I’ve got myself into this awful sorry mess and caused untold damage to my DC. He doesn’t seem to care about this, just the image of being cool dad, great husband and person when he’s anything but.

He’s offering you nothing at all. You’ve nothing to lose. Get rid of him.

Yes he has this but won’t deal with it. I’ve been patient, given him space but I don’t think he wants to do anything with me. I’ve put on weight over the years, I’m working it off but no acknowledgement unless pushed, I hate begging to be seen. Why does he think that’s okay to treat his wife?

That’s exactly it!! I don’t get anything from him other than DC support, sometimes with cooking and other house chores. Work takes a priority and now the football on tv!!

If he loved you and cared about you then he'd want you to be happy. That's what people want for their loved ones, isn't it? So as he acts like he doesn't care about your happiness, he's strongly giving you the message that he doesn't care about you. His rebuffing your attempts to engage with him and to rescue your relationship must really hurt - I'm sorry. It sounds like he is "divorced in spirit" but isn't brave enough to call it. You've been given some great perspectives above. Currently your children are learning what marriage is like and it's probably not what you hoped they'd learn. www.drpsychmom.com/mr-and-mrs-just-not-feeling-it/

Leave and take the dog.. it’s impacting your DC and it must be a horrible atmosphere and example of relationship DC are seeing.

I'm glad he's in the spare room. He sounds terrible. Rude, cold and uncaring.
I hope you can have plenty of family support but showing him the door is right decision. He doesn't deserve you.

@takenoprisoner has excellent advice about your children learning about marriage from you. This was one of the reasons that I split up from my ex.
Sometimes, two people are not meant to live together forever. It's ok, not to be married forever. But you do have one life to live and it should be a happy and content one.
If you have tried your best and it still hasnt changed things, then you are not working together. I think it's time to have a serious chat. Say exactly how you feel and if you are not getting the basics, then it's time to go. But I would have a discussion with your husband. I would expect from this discussion to have some plans., not just an ok, I will try harder.

Again the weird thing is during arguments, he believes he is the kind, caring one. Fully deluded.

I don’t know how you can ignore your wife wailing in bed or on the floor, telling you they’re grieving, menopausal or just not having a good day and then just coldly go about your business, taking the dog out, coming back cooking your own dinner and going to bed without speaking or acknowledging her pain.

I’ve been a mug haven’t I? Why won’t he end things? Why do I have the press the detonate button? Is it so I look bad again?

Men just don’t read the “writing on the wall.”
Get yourself sorted out, ducks in a row and then hit him with it. Men never think their women will ever have the strength or mindset to kick them and their appalling behaviour into touch.

I did it many years ago. Played my cards close yo my chest. Told him one day I’m buying a house, gif my mortgage arranged and will be moving out. He was speechless, I felt amazing. Life is too short OP.
Good luck!

Thanks, the amount of times I’ve tried, I just get breadcrumbs….. then back to normal, empty married life with a man who has said I should be grateful for everything he does.

That is fantastic to read and gives me hope! On my meagre salary I am not really sure whether I’ll be able to buy a house for me and the teens. Our house now was supposed to be a forever home.

I don’t know how you can ignore your wife wailing in bed or on the floor, telling you they’re grieving, menopausal or just not having a good day

This does sound rather extreme - how often do you do this?