Why does he not love me like he loves others?

[Wahterry]

I’m not sure what I’m asking for really. Perhaps just to vent as I feel really sad this evening.

Both DC are now teens and do their own thing. DH just never instigates anything with me unless it is to do with making dinner plans, kids, family or general chit chat. I try to connect with compliments, asking about his day, etc..nothing really returned to me. I feel
invisible.

Everyone thinks he’s amazing, talented funny and charismatic. He is these things but with me, he’s the opposite. I don’t feel he’s interested. Sex has not happened for years. I get sighs/ pulled funny faces and told not to put pressure on him. I’ve given up asking as it feels like I’m begging and is totally demoralising.

We’ve had a rough time with deaths in the family lately and I’ve been there for him. The other day I suggested we go for a family meal but he caused an argument and we didn’t go. No is his favourite word with me

It’s making me feel empty and unloveable, I long for a man to hold and kiss me passionately. I might get breadcrumbs of affection if I bring it up or get angry, but very quickly he goes back to his usual cold self with me. The dog and his kindle get more attention.

Should I leave him?

Sounds awful. You’re really not getting anything of value from this marriage in fact quite the reverse. And he’s got all the power the way things are. I’d start taking the power back and take steps to leave - having less money couldn’t be worse than this. Start by finding more hours/a second job.

FYI (and not saying this is your situation) but my husband sounded very very similar - cold, rejecting, wouldn’t engage, rest of the world thought he was amazing, ED but got angry when I suggested viagra - have you guessed where this is going?? Yep, he was having an affair and when she suggested viagra he thought she was the most amazing, kind, understanding person in the world. 🙄

Don't beat yourself up, it's not a happy marriage, you have a lot of positives in your life, beautiful children, you can make a really good life without him. You could look at full time work, he will have to pay towards the children, you will manage. Leave it for today, are you working today, if not go out, enjoy the rare good weather, do something nice for yourself. Catching up with an old friend sounds great.

My husband was the same , totally not present but didn’t believe I would leave and his comfy home would carry on servicing him. (He was also abusive in other ways.)
I left with two suitcases and three small children and a month’s rent for a cottage. No job, no training and lived on benefits until the little one went to school and then signed up for an access course at the local college.
Was it tough? Yes. But the hope that the man I was married to would notice me was gone. I was truly on my own and I had enough money to get by.
See what you are entitled to; your children will be happy to live in a home without black clouds of misery.

Op, if u can, go full time at work, get your ducks in a row and end this sham marriage. You know you will never have the relationship you crave with this man, so free yourself.

I am so grateful for your words everyone as I feel really disheartened today, I’m not really in the mood to see anyone. He has a way of letting his mood punctuate me, he’s wfh and just ignoring me. Probably waiting for me to instigate action. I’ll be civil but I’m totally fed up of this. He is cruel but I feel guilty when he looks forlorn, then he snaps and then I’m frustrated. Cycle and repeat.

Do you think he might be having an affair @MissedItByThisMuch ? I have asked and he’s denied in the past. He is constantly on his phone though and always popping out to get groceries! I just don’t think he has that in him and also his denials and laughter previously about not having time or inclination make me think he wouldn’t have the capability.

How do I let go off guilt that creeps up on me when his behaviour is intolerable and cruel?

You ask yourself these questions:

1. does he feel guilty when he’s shouting “leave me alone” loud enough for your children to hear?
2. does he feel guilty when he listens to you, desperate to save your marriage, but just ignores you?
3. does he feel guilty when he gives you the silent treatment in your own home?

He doesn’t, does he? He is emotionally abusing you and hoping the silent treatment and unkind behaviour will teach you to put up and shut up. I have a feeling you’re strong enough to fight for yours and your children’s happiness and leave this awful man.

You feel guilty because it's worn you down, taken your self esteem and self worth. He won't be sitting there worrying and feeling guilty, you can survive without him messing with your emotions. I'd keep out of his way, he told you to leave him alone because he knows he's nasty but wants you to take the blame for nagging. Try and get out today even just for a walk and a coffee, you don't want to stay in a house with a terrible atmosphere.

Yes, you should. Life is too short, and you sound like you want so much more! Rightly so.

and yes to the affair, this is very much what my xh did

You stop taking responsibility for his feelings and behaviour. He is contributing nothing to this relationship and you aren't doing anything wrong by telling him how you feel. His silences and folorn looks are a way of controlling you, he knows you feel guilty and uses that against you. He is angry because he feels entitled to do nothing and thinks you should be grateful for his presence.

Again all your advice is helping me but it’s so hard as my fears outweigh my bravery.

I constantly have made excuses for his behaviour and you’re right, although he looks sad and forlorn (particularly in the DC presence) he’s still getting his own way and controlling the way I’m portrayed, I’m an awful wife and he therefore gets to do what he wants and no one sees his awful behaviour.

I think I also put it down to his ‘love language’ being perhaps he’s not good with showing love and affection, or like a typical unemotional man that I’ve read on other forums. I think in his case it’s not a typical male behaviour, it’s more controlling and abusive.

I feel drained and exhausted. I will get ready and head out later.

I just always feel confused and conflicted, today I feel incredibly drained and sad.

It took a lot of energy for me to raise and discuss and he acts like the conversation wasn’t important.

Actually, I think he could be having an affair. When they take a fancy to someone else, they usually demonise their wives. Either way, you need to leave for your own good.

He's emotionally closed off, he takes you for granted, maybe it's not important to him anymore and he just switches off, it probably doesn't even occur to him that you are a strong woman who can survive in the world without him. You will feel sad, you've been together a long time but your torturing yourself, it's all going round and round in your head so it's hard to have a clear head and be objective. What advise would you give a friend in a similar situation, its all about your and your dc happiness, try and put him to the back of your mind if you can. Stop trying to analyse why he is so unkind, he's really not worth the heartache. Easier said than done I know, I've been in a similar situation and it's not until you're out that you look back and think what took me so long to leave this idiot.

You could beat yourself up forever, bending over backwards, trying to find a reason for his behaviour, trying to change your behaviour and trying to make him happy or you could leave. With distance and hindsight you'll see what we can see from outside the relationship that he is not a nice person and doesn't care about you. Being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave.

This is a very good point, do you want another 40+ years of this? Having every day being miserable for the rest of your life?
( Assuming you stay together till one of you dies?)

You don't have to ask him anything.
I would tell him that I'm filing for divorce.
It's over.

There may be another woman but who cares.
Let the butthole go to her, if he wants.

Get legal help and get your fair share of a settlement.

Sounds like my ex DH.. I would leave asap

'Sex has not happened for years. I get sighs/ pulled funny faces and told not to put pressure on him. I’ve given up asking as it feels like I’m begging and is totally demoralising. '

You've been relegated to mother of the children and housekeeper. Nothing more nothing less.

Why stay in such a drudgery of a relationship when there is such a lack of passion?

Do you think he might be having an affair ? I have asked and he’s denied in the past. He is constantly on his phone though and always popping out to get groceries! I just don’t think he has that in him and also his denials and laughter previously about not having time or inclination make me think he wouldn’t have the capability.

I don’t know @Wahterry and honestly does it make a difference? He’s not making you happy either way.

It's no way to live though is it. Yes, this is how my ex acted for many years and yes he was having affairs. But regardless, you need to think about how you want to live YOUR life, and start working towards that. It all blew up spectacularly for me, so it made my decision to leave straightforward but I feel almost grateful that I got that push. When I think of living the rest of my life feeling invisible and dismissed I shudder. Take care of you

Please seek legal advice and leave him, life is too short to be with emotionally unavailable partner.

With respect it really doesnt matter if he is having an affair.
What matters is he thinks his behaviour and treatment of you is acceptable.
Like hell it is.
With kindness, you need to stop trying to understand or justify or excuse his conduct.
He is a shit.
Yes it is scary to end a marriage. Yes it is stepping into the unknown.
So arm yourself... with facts.. get advice.. get support.
Get copies of documents etc
Do what you have to do.
Stop wondering.
EMPOWER YOURSELF!
He is not going to change.
He is playing games, he is already influencing the way YOUR kids look at you.
Show them this is not how adult relationships should be.. this is not acceptable and their Mother is not accepting it!
Life is so precious, so short.
Be strong.

Maybe it would be easier for you if he was having an affair, you'd have reason to hate him, he'd be the bad guy, the children won't blame you and he'd be easier to get rid of. That's the practical side, emotionally don't ever blame yourself.