Why does he not love me like he loves others?

[Wahterry]

I’m not sure what I’m asking for really. Perhaps just to vent as I feel really sad this evening.

Both DC are now teens and do their own thing. DH just never instigates anything with me unless it is to do with making dinner plans, kids, family or general chit chat. I try to connect with compliments, asking about his day, etc..nothing really returned to me. I feel
invisible.

Everyone thinks he’s amazing, talented funny and charismatic. He is these things but with me, he’s the opposite. I don’t feel he’s interested. Sex has not happened for years. I get sighs/ pulled funny faces and told not to put pressure on him. I’ve given up asking as it feels like I’m begging and is totally demoralising.

We’ve had a rough time with deaths in the family lately and I’ve been there for him. The other day I suggested we go for a family meal but he caused an argument and we didn’t go. No is his favourite word with me

It’s making me feel empty and unloveable, I long for a man to hold and kiss me passionately. I might get breadcrumbs of affection if I bring it up or get angry, but very quickly he goes back to his usual cold self with me. The dog and his kindle get more attention.

Should I leave him?

I don’t know how you can ignore your wife wailing in bed or on the floor, telling you they’re grieving, menopausal or just not having a good day

Really? Wailing on the floor? I couldn't find any sympathy/empathy for someone going on like that.

Perhaps wailing on the floor sounds like extreme wording! I meant after a rather heated argument I’d gone upstairs to try and calm myself down but I was still sobbing. He just ignored me.

not me rolling on the floor like a toddler, just an upset wife.

I'm sorry OP, but unless he's always been like this, then it sounds like he's already left you, emotionally, but just hasn't told you for some reason. He might be waiting until your kids leave home before leaving you, or this situation might work for him, even if it's cruel for you. Some men are willing to sacrifice having any true emotional connection in favour of a stable life where they're just about housemates with their 'wives'.

It's sad for you as you know something's wrong, but you won't necessarily ever have the honest conversation or closure with him that you're looking for.

He is making his contempt for you very clear. Of course you should leave him. He won't leave you because you're useful to him in the way a servant is and leaving would involve effort and expense for him.

It’s cruel and tortuous if that’s the case @EarthSight and @PickAChew

I wish he wouldn’t be such a coward but then again I’ve lacked the confidence to end things too.

Book yourself two weeks holiday alone and see how they cope without you being there, this might make him see he actually can't live without you. Tell them I'm going on holiday alone, is he asks how long for say I'm not sure, so he doesn't know when or if you will come back, this may frighten him.

He's probably become impotent and is too embarrassed to do anything about it.

I can think of only one word to describe him .... narcissistic

I think he has stopped loving me yet weirdly he says he hasn’t and wouldn’t know what he’d do without me.

I think your answer lies in this sentence.

Talk to him. Tell him you are considering leaving for all the reasons you have stated. Get some legal advice, decide whether you would be happier with or without him. If you decide to stay then set about enriching your life. Take the DC on holiday. Learn a new skill. Develop your interests. Life's too short to waste.

🙄
If you are privileged or middle class, yes, I'm sure it's that easy and things work out like that. The majority of the population though, leaving a partner is a major financial event, and often leaves both parties poorer, especially women.

This is what I’m afraid of, deeply afraid of.

Do you really need to ask? We are not going to say 'he sounds great you need to stay' of course you should leave but you wont

Can I just say that as someone who lost pretty much everything leaving my ex, it is still worth it for the peace I feel now.

no it’s not been easy but nothing in life is. Pick your hard.

I felt so sad reading this. You must feel so lonely and unseen. I'd be preparing for a new life without him. It sounds like you've tried to ask him to work with you to improve things. If he won't engage then you either end the marriage or carry on in this miserable state.

I'm a single parent to teens. I left my ex, shed 3 stone and am enjoying life. I've also discovered how it feels to be held and kissed passionately!

First step... speak with a solicitor.

Actions speak louder than words

This crossed my mind.

40% of men over 40 have ED and they react v badly to it.

More broadly though it sounds like you are in a relationship where you’re given absolutely no attention or affection. I hope you have your own bank account where you stash some funds in case it does go south.

Given, your children are in their teens, why don’t you go on a 10 day or two week break without any of them? See how they cope in your absence.

What makes you think I won’t leave @SpringerFall . Have you had experience of this emotionally difficult situation? It is hard to take the steps and I’d welcome any helpful insights you may have

What is your financial situation?

Are you working? Any savings? Do you have access to family money?

Are you renting or homeowners? Mortgage?

You may not be as badly off as you think if you split up.

I’d love to but finances and work would not permit this sadly. I might go down south and see an old friend for a weekend. I think they wouldn’t miss me though!

He pays the mortgage, I work part time, my salary is less than £15k and no savings. I’m trying to stay positive though I know it will be a struggle. He is being strangely attentive and kind today, this always throws me as then I think we can work things out. I know though this can quickly change.

I'd be going full time and saving for my future. The kids are old enough to cope. Not only will it help you financially it will give you greater confidence and self worth. In the event of divorce you get half the house and any assets so start playing the long game.

Can you work full time?

How much equity in the house? You'll get at least half.

You don't need to buy a huge place to accommodate teenagers; they can deal with sofa bed etc for the few short years till they leave the nest.

This is your one and only life here on Planet Earth. Do you want to keep letting it slip by in misery and rejection?

I have had a marriage like this for a decade (married/together a long time before that). My experience is extreme though, he ended up admitting affairs and losing his job so we are now divorcing in much more chaotic circumstances. If I could go back, I would have made plans and divorced before it all blew up so that I would not be put into this awful situation.

I am absolutely not saying this will happen to you! But I wish I had enough courage years ago to do this on my terms and with a more stable situation to launch from. You have the 'luxury' (ha) of time and calm to build up to what you know you need to do. And believe me, you can do it.

Hi again, I’m just reaching out on here as I feel really terrible and low this morning. I tried to chat to him about how I was feeling and our marriage. I didn’t moan, just stated the concerns I don’t feel seen or appreciated by him.

I received silence in return….I tried to ask him why he couldn’t give me an answer, he just said he felt it would always be the wrong one and sighed. More silent treatment and sighs.

He’s now not talking and looking like a grey cloud is over his shoulders. I tried to ask again and got snapped at, he screamed will you just leave me alone! DC heard and are now giving me dark looks before school.

I really really feel like the villain today when all I am desperate for is kindness.

I just could do with some words of niceness on here as he’s made me feel so worthless and low.