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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you meet up with an ex who said this...

104 replies

Nanya81 · 21/06/2024 19:19

I've been made aware through a mutual friend that my ex is considering getting in contact to ask if I'd like to meet for a coffee now that time has passed. We broke up 2.5 years ago after more than five years together, when he discarded me out of the blue, telling me he'd never been in love with me, ever, but knew I was in love with him, and some other cold words.

My heart skipped a beat when I heard this. I don't know what he wants, but I really still don't want any contact, even though I'm long over him now. I know people say you can become friends with an ex after time has passed, but I really don't want this. Am I being reasonable or not?

OP posts:
OldMutantDecrepitTurtle · 03/08/2024 10:46

Ignore. Not giving him the effort of a response is a much better way of showing how little you care. If you respond at all, he'll take it as you, on some level, still wanting contact with him.

Lelophants · 03/08/2024 10:48

He wants to make himself feel better by making friends. Nah, you have enough friends.

Lelophants · 03/08/2024 10:48

Also he might not even reach out after that.

Figuringitout24 · 03/08/2024 10:51

I’d just respond with the word ‘Weird’

He knows what you think of him then, and no one likes to think other people think they’re a weirdo

Sweetlikechoca · 03/08/2024 11:00

Ignore definitely 👋🏼

Lurkingandlearning · 03/08/2024 11:49

Maybe say - mutual friend said you might do this. I forgot to say there was no need. Keep well and all that 👋

Totally ignoring him may seem as if you are annoyed which although a negative feeling is still a feeling. Whereas a reply that is both dismissive and puts him in his place would suit me better

Original poster
Nanya81 · 03/08/2024 11:51

Thanks, all. I can't decide whether to ignore, or reply and keep it simple by saying I've moved on and don't want further contact, but I'm leaning towards ignoring. Everyone is entitled to break up, but he was cold and nasty at the end.

OP posts:
MtClair · 03/08/2024 12:13

And by doing so, he showed you his true colours.

Do you really think he even deserves a ‘No thanks, I’ve moved on’?

MiscellaneousSupportHuman · 03/08/2024 12:57

Nanya81 · 03/08/2024 11:51

Thanks, all. I can't decide whether to ignore, or reply and keep it simple by saying I've moved on and don't want further contact, but I'm leaning towards ignoring. Everyone is entitled to break up, but he was cold and nasty at the end.

You don't have to reply straight away.

Leave it for a few days, then decide if you'd rather just keep ignoring, or if it might be better to send a polite shut down (such as that suggested by @WetBandits "Hi X, I’m well thanks, hope you are too. I have moved on and would prefer not to keep in touch. All the best, Nanya.”)

I'd send the polite shut down, because I wouldn't want him to keep cropping up at odd intervals in future.

Catoo · 03/08/2024 13:40

Nanya81 · 03/08/2024 11:51

Thanks, all. I can't decide whether to ignore, or reply and keep it simple by saying I've moved on and don't want further contact, but I'm leaning towards ignoring. Everyone is entitled to break up, but he was cold and nasty at the end.

Ignore. Silence is golden. No words will be as effective as completely ignoring him.

Any response is a way in for him. And at the moment you have all the power. Don’t give it him back.

💐

pinkfondu · 03/08/2024 14:30

IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE

There is zero benefit to you making contact with him.

When has giving the benefit of the doubt ever benefited you?

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/08/2024 14:42

Ignore. He’s wanting attention. Dont give him it.

Thunderpants88 · 03/08/2024 14:51

“Nah your alright mate. Don’t email me again. Cheers”

he feels rejected and mocked. Good and you have made it crystal clear he can do one

Kdubs1981 · 03/08/2024 14:52

Why would you see him if you don't want to? You don't owe him anything

BananaLambo · 03/08/2024 14:58

Why are you even giving this awful human being thinking space? He treated you abominably and has the nerve to think he can waltz back into your life. Don’t you remember the awful things he said to you? You owe him nothing. Less than nothing. He doesn’t even apologise in his email. Breathtaking arrogance. Do not reply. Block and move on. By replying you’re giving him the attention he wants - ignoring him is the best revenge of all.

BirthdayRainbow · 03/08/2024 15:01

Nanya81 · 03/08/2024 08:29

So I've just received the email late last night, saying he's thought of me a lot, hopes I'm doing okay now, just wanted to reach out, but not actually asking to meet up.

Should I reply or ignore? My heart is racing! I'm long over him but, silly as it may seem after time has passed, I don't want him as a 'friend'.

Doing okay NOW?! What a twat.

I feel like you're giving missed messages to be honest. Why is your heart racing ?

Original poster
Nanya81 · 03/08/2024 15:21

BirthdayRainbow · 03/08/2024 15:01

Doing okay NOW?! What a twat.

I feel like you're giving missed messages to be honest. Why is your heart racing ?

Show quote history

I don't think I'm giving mixed messages - I mean my heart was racing, not in a good way but the shock of seeing his name pop up and know I want nothing to do with him.

OP posts:
blacklippy · 03/08/2024 15:29

I would not meet him, fuck him if he did this once he could do it again. Men often do this when they are out of fresh options, they start sniffing around ex's or women they used to like or that used to like them. If he had ever been serious about you then he wouldn't have dumped you like that. You could be married now or a nun, they don't care, its like a dog going back and pissing in the same spot. Just block him.

Dery · 03/08/2024 16:40

As a PP upthread said (beautifully), he sowed poison when he left so he shouldn’t expect flowers. Just ignore him.

LaughingElderberry · 03/08/2024 16:44

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Silence is the most powerful response.

There was a thread on here earlier this year (I think) where a poster had a similar situation, and she chose to ignore, which worked out beautifully - I'll see if I can find it.

betterangels · 03/08/2024 16:50

Stay well away. YANBU at all.

WalkInAStraightLine · 03/08/2024 16:55

If you ignore you run the risk of him 'thinking' you didn't get it and continuing to hassle you. If you can craft the perfect 'thanks but no thanks' message I'd go with that.
"Hi, I'm fine, thank you. I'm not interested in keeping in contact, so all the best." Something like that. Then ignore anything further.

WalkInAStraightLine · 03/08/2024 16:56

Or 'mutual friend said you might do this. I forgot to say there was no need. Keep well and all that 👋' as per @Lurkingandlearning

TheShiningCarpet · 03/08/2024 17:04

Not worth your time or energy

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