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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Men who are unaware their child isn’t biologically theirs

242 replies

K8ate · 20/06/2024 10:31

Hearing stories and seeing various online statistics, the average percentage of men who are unaware that their child isn’t biologically theirs ranges from 10% upwards.
Surely these figures can’t be accurate?

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 22/06/2024 09:33

I think 10% is a conservative estimate.
Quite often you see posts on here saying a woman has had unprotected sex with two men in a very short space of time and now are pregnant.

Misthios · 22/06/2024 09:38

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 22/06/2024 09:33

I think 10% is a conservative estimate.
Quite often you see posts on here saying a woman has had unprotected sex with two men in a very short space of time and now are pregnant.

True. But you don't see hundreds of posts from women who are absolutely sure who the father of their child is, because that's not anything to start a thread about.

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 22/06/2024 09:40

Also, surely a lot of women would not disclose the fact that two (or more) men could potentially be the father? So there is also a hidden percentage.

LaMarschallin · 22/06/2024 09:45

MaidOfAle · 21/06/2024 19:45

Assuming that women avoiding pregnancy aren't sabotaging their own contraceptives, which they wouldn't do because that's counterproductive, and given the high cumulative failure rates over a woman's reproductive life, why are you surprised?

Condoms, with typical use failure rate of 20% per year, have a 67% failure rate over five years, meaning that two-thirds of women using only condoms for five years will have become pregnant at least once when the five years is up.

You might think that I don't understand written English, but I did make it to adulthood with a basic understanding of probability theory.

Edited

If condoms are used properly they are at least 98% successful.
If they break - as so often is the case on MN - the morning after pill is still available.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 22/06/2024 11:45

@Hellodarknessmyfriend hidden percentage of what?

and yes there are posts from people who have slept with 2 people close to conception. But it’s not 10% of the thousands of posts of women who have got pregnant and only slept with one person.

And of the people posting that they slept with 2 people and got pregnant, we have no idea if they went on and told both men involved.

Monstermunch67 · 22/06/2024 12:37

My DS has has horrible luck with women who behave in this way. He got married and raised a daughter for several years, before a divorce when his ex proudly announced the child wasn't even his. Many people had pointed out over the intervening years that she was known for sleeping around, and their child was the spitting image of a guy she was seeing on the side, around the time she got pregnant.

Some months following the break up of a short lived relationship with another woman, my son received a very angry call from her DB, berating my son for not showing up for the birth of their daughter. At the time my son was struggling with health issues and was already in a bad place mentally. He broke down and had a panic attack.

I pointed out that che child wasn't necessarily his, as the timing didn't exactly fit, and that if it was his child, he would eventually see her as the blessing she was. The woman was a fantasist, liar, manipulator and tbh intellectually challenged, constantly tripping up over lies she'd forgotten she told which is why they split, so my son was gutted at the thought of being tied to her for life.

It look a year of her mind games, tall tales, accusations, wildly inappropriate messages and constant emotional manipulation of our son, before we eventually had a genuine DNA test result. She'd lied about sending off several others, after we'd paid her for them. Thankfully it proved she'd lied all along, just like his wife had.

How he had the strength and ability to trust to go on and form a new relationship in time after all that, I'll never know. Thankfully his GF now seems very sensible, caring and a reall decent person.

justfornow1 · 22/06/2024 12:46

I did a dna test last year purely because I enjoy genealogy.

Never in a million years did I expect to find what I did.

My parents have been married 57 years, but dna shows I have a different biological father/family.

I haven't shared the info as I don't want to break my Dad.

It's a horrible situation to be in.

curious79 · 22/06/2024 12:55

Pinkbonbon · 20/06/2024 13:49

Exactly!

Where are these mythical pills that were promised?

I would NEVER trust a man who said he was on the pill (and if I were a man I wouldn't trust a woman either).
Condoms all the way!

MaidOfAle · 22/06/2024 15:21

LaMarschallin · 22/06/2024 09:45

If condoms are used properly they are at least 98% successful.
If they break - as so often is the case on MN - the morning after pill is still available.

The thing with perfect use figures is that people aren't perfect. That doesn't mean that they are careless, just imperfect. I'm autistic with dyspraxia as part of my symptom set and so I'm more likely to apply a condom imperfectly than most people. Doesn't make me careless.

Emergency contraceptive pills will fail at a certain point in the menstrual cycle, if egg release is already happening or has happened when the ECP is taken. It only works if egg release hasn't happened yet.

Even if a woman uses condoms perfectly every time for five years, she has a 10% chance of falling pregnant at least once. Across 10 years, that goes up to 18%. Across 15 years, 26%. And that's assuming perfect condom use without ever making a mistake. Not one mistake in five years? I think I saw a Gloucester Old Spot paramotor past my window...

As other posters have commented, women don't start threads to say "I had sex with a holiday fling during a relationship break and I'm not pregnant", do they? So it looks like condom failures happen all the time, but actually they are a minority of conceptions.

LaMarschallin · 22/06/2024 16:05

@MaidOfAle

I'm autistic with dyspraxia as part of my symptom set and so I'm more likely to apply a condom imperfectly than most people. Doesn't make me careless.

Do you explain that to any man with whom you have sex?

If you don't then it does make you careless.
What are you doing with the condom to make it useless? Hanging it from your ear or something?

It's a bit unfair for a man to think precautions have been taken but you can blame an illness and say you are more likely to apply a condom imperfectly.

I'm so glad I don't have sons.

SheilaFentiman · 22/06/2024 16:40

@LaMarschallin well, your sons can put their own condoms on, then.

whenemmafallsinlove · 22/06/2024 17:03

I knew somebody this happened to. The child was 9 when the divorce happened, he was fighting for as much access as he could with his children and his ex decided to use the fact that one wasn't his in order, as she thought, to 'win'. She had always known. He was devastated and disbelieving. Despite the dna test he of course maintained a relationship with the child who still regards him as Dad. The ex was very pissed off about this!

LaMarschallin · 22/06/2024 17:09

SheilaFentiman · 22/06/2024 16:40

@LaMarschallin well, your sons can put their own condoms on, then.

Did you understand my post?

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 22/06/2024 17:36

@ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo What I'm saying is I would imagine out of those women who have slept with two or more men in very quick succession and had unprotected sex with both or more resulting in pregnancy won't disclose this. Not even on MN.

MaidOfAle · 22/06/2024 17:40

LaMarschallin · 22/06/2024 16:05

@MaidOfAle

I'm autistic with dyspraxia as part of my symptom set and so I'm more likely to apply a condom imperfectly than most people. Doesn't make me careless.

Do you explain that to any man with whom you have sex?

If you don't then it does make you careless.
What are you doing with the condom to make it useless? Hanging it from your ear or something?

It's a bit unfair for a man to think precautions have been taken but you can blame an illness and say you are more likely to apply a condom imperfectly.

I'm so glad I don't have sons.

Do you explain that to any man with whom you have sex?

but you can blame an illness

Do you require everyone with a disability to disclose it to a casual sexual partner, or just women? Autism is a disability, not an illness, and you are being ableist.

I didn't even have an autism diagnosis when I last had sex so I can hardly be blamed for not disclosing what I didn't know about. I've generally preferred for the man to put the condom on whilst I observe him do so because I've always been branded "clumsy", just never until the last couple of years known why. I have also, for most of my life, used a second contraceptive like the IUD. So far, I've made it to my forties without conceiving. You have no right to brand me "careless" or in any way irresponsible! Again, you are being ableist.

Hanging it from your ear or something?

It's possible to not squeeze the air out correctly, slip whilst unrolling it and put extra strain on it, or even attempt to put it on inside out.

It's a bit unfair for a man to think precautions have been taken

Any man concerned for his own fertility puts the condom on himself or observes the woman doing so. This gives him a chance to notice any mistakes.

I'm so glad I don't have sons.

So am I. Boys deserve better than to be taught by their own mothers that they are not responsible for their reproductive decisions.

StormingNorman · 22/06/2024 17:45

ARichtGoodDram · 20/06/2024 11:33

No idea of the % but this has just reminded me of a conversation at work a few years back where, when this exact thing was discussed, a male colleague wondered aloud how many women weren’t the mother of their child in the same way… then went very quiet when he thought about the logistics of that 😂

Had that conversation too. It’s unfair men get asked to do paternity tests when women don’t have to do maternity tests. I just let it hang there for a minute while his brain caught up with his mouth 😂

LaMarschallin · 22/06/2024 17:54

@MaidOfAle

Autism is a disability, not an illness, and you are being ableist.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be "ableist".

I'm still very relieved that I don't have sons and don't have to explain how condoms work to someone who doesn't understand the basics.

I didn't have an autism diagnosis when I last had sex so I can hardly be blamed for not disclosing what I didn't know about.

Fair enough. How did your diagnosis stop you from putting on a condom properly?

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 22/06/2024 18:07

I'm sure it happens but 10% is a figure plucked from the air.

ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo · 22/06/2024 18:32

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 22/06/2024 17:36

@ShouldhavebeencalledAppollo What I'm saying is I would imagine out of those women who have slept with two or more men in very quick succession and had unprotected sex with both or more resulting in pregnancy won't disclose this. Not even on MN.

Edited

But why would you assume that? Surely some will and some won’t.

UserNumber56 · 22/06/2024 18:36

I've often wondered how many parents might have unknowingly brought up a child that was not biologically theirs due to mix ups in hospitals. These things can and do happen from time to time. We only hear about a very few of them but I'm sure there will have been many other instances of people taking home the wrong baby.

MaidOfAle · 22/06/2024 18:48

LaMarschallin · 22/06/2024 17:54

@MaidOfAle

Autism is a disability, not an illness, and you are being ableist.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be "ableist".

I'm still very relieved that I don't have sons and don't have to explain how condoms work to someone who doesn't understand the basics.

I didn't have an autism diagnosis when I last had sex so I can hardly be blamed for not disclosing what I didn't know about.

Fair enough. How did your diagnosis stop you from putting on a condom properly?

Autism is a lifelong condition. I have had it since birth, I just didn't know about it until in my forties.

It's not a matter of "not understanding". It's a matter of my hands and other body parts not doing what my brain wants them to do. Do you even know what dyspraxia is?

To give some fairly everyday examples of what dyspraxia does to me:

  • I drop things all the time, like cutlery.
  • I mistype all the time.
  • I struggle to turn book pages.
  • I can't catch a ball, I can put my hand in the right place but I can't coordinate my fingers closing at the right time, so the ball bounces off my hand.
  • I struggle with bracelet catches and watch strap buckles.
  • I can't control a pen properly so I have really bad writing.
  • I cannot apply eye make up nor put in contact lenses.

Can you perhaps understand how someone who struggles to fasten a watch strap or make it to the end of a meal without dropping a fork might struggle with applying a condom? This has nothing to do with being stupid (I have a science degree and a full-time job in my degree field) and everything to do with my fingers just not doing what I want them to.

OnTheRightSideOfGeography · 22/06/2024 19:45

UserNumber56 · 22/06/2024 18:36

I've often wondered how many parents might have unknowingly brought up a child that was not biologically theirs due to mix ups in hospitals. These things can and do happen from time to time. We only hear about a very few of them but I'm sure there will have been many other instances of people taking home the wrong baby.

Probably in the past, but surely not in recent times?

Don't all hospitals now routinely slap a wristband/ankleband on babies very soon after birth, to link them to the correct mother?

Obviously, this doesn't in any way guarantee that the man who has been led to believe he is the father necessarily is...

Reugny · 22/06/2024 20:20

whenemmafallsinlove · 22/06/2024 17:03

I knew somebody this happened to. The child was 9 when the divorce happened, he was fighting for as much access as he could with his children and his ex decided to use the fact that one wasn't his in order, as she thought, to 'win'. She had always known. He was devastated and disbelieving. Despite the dna test he of course maintained a relationship with the child who still regards him as Dad. The ex was very pissed off about this!

There is a concept called "child of the family" in English law.

So if a child is treated by the ex-spouse/ex-civil partner who isn't their biological or adoptive parent as their son/daughter then they are considered in law to be that.

Basically if you are straight don't lie about parentage then years later say the child isn't your husband's/male civil partner's.

SemperIdem · 22/06/2024 20:22

Reugny · 22/06/2024 20:20

There is a concept called "child of the family" in English law.

So if a child is treated by the ex-spouse/ex-civil partner who isn't their biological or adoptive parent as their son/daughter then they are considered in law to be that.

Basically if you are straight don't lie about parentage then years later say the child isn't your husband's/male civil partner's.

There is no such thing as English law.

Your advice is also incorrect.

MaidOfAle · 22/06/2024 20:27

SemperIdem · 22/06/2024 20:22

There is no such thing as English law.

Your advice is also incorrect.

There is, and it's more properly called "the law of England and Wales".

The concept of "child of the family" applies to inheritance law.

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