Men who are unaware their child isn’t biologically theirs

[K8ate]

Hearing stories and seeing various online statistics, the average percentage of men who are unaware that their child isn’t biologically theirs ranges from 10% upwards.
Surely these figures can’t be accurate?

Your lab samples wouldn't be statistically relevant unless you were testing every single couple who was pregnant in the area or they assigned couples to be tested in a particular time frame.

The NHS don't do this. You have to fit certain criteria to have any genetic tests prenatally e.g. age, inherited conditions and postnatally.

So any medical professional making a blanket statement that 10%-20% of fathers aren't the biological father would be looking at skewed statistics using local lab or even national lab results.

I worked with a woman who had a long term partner. They had a son but pretty much everyone in work knew her son was from her affair and not her fiance. She waited til her wedding night to tell him their son wasn’t his. Amazingly he stayed and they are still together, about 12 years later.

Well of course. This is mumsnet.
The man is always, but always the guilty party, even when he's not 😉

yes it's thought to be at least 10% - from blood group studies.

Can you link the study? I have looked but can’t find it anywhere

there's a review here https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1733152/pdf/v059p00749.pdf

It’s interesting that so many on this thread really don’t want to believe the figure is that high. I can’t get why, even anecdotal from this thread and personal/professional experiences, it doesn’t seem far off. Women cheat and lie too, it can be so unheard of men are obviously cheating with someone

The unaware bit is interesting. All men whose baby was conceived via donor sperm are raising a baby that’s not biologically theirs, but in most cases would know. Then there’s a lot of men who know full well it’s probably not their baby, but want to have a relationship with a chaotic woman.

accidental pregnancies are on the fall across the west as birth control gets better, so I’d expect it to be lower than previous generations now as fewer babies are unplanned. (Obviously affairs still happen, it’s just that they are less likely to result in a baby unless a woman is cynically avoiding the costs of fertility treatment.)

If I was in a relationship with a woman, how does me using a condom prevent my partner from becoming pregnant with a different man's child?

Condoms only prevent my partner from becoming pregnant by me. They don't prevent her becoming pregnant by other men.

Did you not think that one through before you wrote it down...?

But that review doesn't support your figure of "at least 10%"

Here is a quote from the review that you linked:

"For studies based on populations chosen for reasons other than disputed paternity (table 1) median PD is 3.7% (IQR = 2.0%–9.6%). While this is not a measure of population prevalence it does suggest the widely used (but unsubstantiated) figure of 10% PD may be an overestimate for most populations."

What a great man .

Some men even know but ignore it. I remember my friends neighbour who was white had a mixed race toddler with afro hair. She and her white (long term) partner was adamant the child was theirs. They didn’t even address the elephant in the room. If it was one of those rare genetic things I believe they’d have spoken about it. The only reason I assume they lied to outsiders was because they were lying to themselves too.

Correct, it won’t stop her falling pregnant by other men.

But I suspect the poster might mean if they wore a condom they would be immediately on the alert if the woman claimed she was pregnant with their baby. It would be possible yes, but less believable and would arouse suspicion in any man with half a brain.

On a separate note I once met these 3 primary school aged brothers who were in care, they all found out they had different fathers. Only the oldest child was biologically related to their mums husband. It was quite the shock. During his next contact visit the dad made an effort to tell the other two he saw them just the same. That was nice but sad situation. I think the mum didn’t even say anything about it when they saw her and they were too young to bring it up themselves 😣

know some people who look completely white but have a black grandparent so they could be telling the truth

Going by the town I grew up in I'd suggest it's much higher considering the amount of gossip about affairs and the partner having no idea

My friend is always told how much his DCs look like him, and they do but they aren't his, they are donor conceived. He knows, his partner knows and the kids know so they all nod and smile when they get another 'apple doesn't fall far from the tree' type comment.

The odd thing is that children can come to resemble their parents when there's no biological link at all -- I think it must be a matter of mirroring body language and facial expressions, or something. I have a friend who adopted a Chinese girl, and obviously they have no blood tie, but I swear they look alike.

Yes I think body language/ physical habits etc are picked up from the people children spend lots of time with and can make them seem alike.
In my friends case it is also a matter of he is very 'average' 5'10" light brown hair, hazel eyes no stand out features such as a Roman nose or sticky out ears so they found it easy to select a donor who was also quite average. It would, I assume, be more difficult for a 6'7" red head with big ears and a prominent nose to find a donor that matches their looks.

Ah, so you believe that people who are the victim of a serious betrayal or fraud have most likely done the same thing themselves, and so they 'probably deserved it'?

Do you also believe that women who are physically abused by their husbands are 'probably just as bad themselves, and likely give as good as they get, so no biggie'?

PP was right: good old MN, making out a man who is a victim into the aggressor, 'because penis'.

@Buttermilky But I suspect the poster might mean if they wore a condom they would be immediately on the alert if the woman claimed she was pregnant with their baby. It would be possible yes, but less believable and would arouse suspicion in any man with half a brain.

What if the man and woman are trying to conceive at the same time the woman becomes pregnant by another man?

What if the woman insists on not using a condom, and the man has to comply as the woman may leave him otherwise?

Perhaps a condom may help in some scenarios, but it's far from being an airtight solution that would prevent all cases of this happening.

On a separate note I once met these 3 primary school aged brothers who were in care, they all found out they had different fathers. Only the oldest child was biologically related to their mums husband. It was quite the shock. During his next contact visit the dad made an effort to tell the other two he saw them just the same. That was nice but sad situation. I think the mum didn’t even say anything about it when they saw her and they were too young to bring it up themselves 😣

Sounds like the father is a more caring and compassionate individual than the mother.

But then the other side of that is that if I was sleeping with my partner and he was using condoms and then was suspicious I had been cheating because I found out I was pregnant I'd be absolutely furious and I would think that he had half a brain for that too because everyone knows that you can still get pregnant using condoms.

I'd let him have a DNA test if he asked no problem, but I don't think the relationship would survive him asking me for one.

We would also have those conceived via donor sperm. Fifty years ago when donor sperm was used (with a married couple), a sample of the husband's sperm was mixed with the donor. They could "honestly" say they used their husband's sperm. Those couples really did not want to know.

My uncle was absolutely convinced that his son was really the son of his then wife’s lover. They divorced over the affair. Now, 25 years after my uncle died, his son looks so like him that’s it’s clear that he was his biological father. Sad that my uncle died not knowing.

No contraceptive is 100% effective. How have you reached adulthood apparently without knowing this?

JFC. "Cupid Stunt" is about right.