Confusion. To follow head or heart?

[Brattyprincess]

In the last couple of years my marriage of 12 years ended. I have been very cautious about starting a new relationship because I have a young child.

However I have recently started a new friendship with a single father I know. It is clear to me that this friend may be feeling more. I feel very confused because I have a list of things I would want from a potential partner. None of these he meets. He does not work, he does not drive, he smokes, he is not attractive in a traditional way, he does not own a house or rent traditionally - he is living with a friend. The more I get to know him the more I am conflicted about whether any of these things matter and if I am being unreasonable AIBU about what I think is important, if it was just one or two things I could potentially let them go but really ot seems the odds are against him? And yet!? I don't know what to do here, I feel like I have gained a very good friend and we get on extremely well together. Very playful very fun, sometimes share serious conversations that are deep, Sometimes I even imagine how things might be if we were to go the romantic route but I always come back to my list and if my needs would be met, practically (financially etc) I feel a bit lost. Head or heart!?

You tried heart first time around and it didn't work. Go with the head this time. The older you get I think the more the head should rule.

Head. If he's being nice to you and you get on ok you may well attribute more importance to this but it needs to reach a much higher threshold imo in a life partner.
Incompatibility of views on things like finances, health etc run the risk of not lasting.

Enjoy the friendship for what it is - I often feel we pressure ourselves into thinking being a decent human being is enough.

I'm only going on your OP though - for all I know you might be super compatible!

Sorry but this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Worst case scenario he's grooming you as a way out of his dead end lifestyle, best case you have a genuine connection but still end having to bank roll him.like he's your child.

Stay friends. If by some miracle he's sorted his life out over the next year you could tentatively explore things. You have everything to lose by pursuing things with him and next to nothing to gain. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

What does he do for money? Has he a large inheritance or trust fund? If he's choosing not to work and you have a strong work ethic would you be compatible anyway?

I think it's worth considering that somebody without responsibilities to work/pay bills (or support his child?) can probably quite easily come across as playful and good company.

If he changed his life to a more adult style he may well come across differently with the pressures of real life.

You can't imagine if he had a job and responsibility he'd be the same person. You either get to support him as he is, or he supports himself as somebody else.

You need to make sure he's not a cocklodger in the making.

If you're having deep conversations, what's he been telling you about his future plans? Is he trying to get a job? Where does he plan to live?
As PP said, make sure he's not buttering you up so he can move in.

Head! Please! Please use your head. Think of your child. This could get really weird and your child will be caught up in a mess you could have avoided. I’m sorry but everything about this guy is a red flag. You have way too much to lose here.

@JustCleaningtheBBQ the conversation so far has not been about his future plans to be honest I do not know how to bring up whether he is going to get a job etc. I know that I absolutely should get abswers, I suppose in a way I am enjoying the newness of getting to know someone. @GatherYePearls I agree we put too much pressure on situations I should probably just enjoy the friendship for what it is he hasn't actually come out and said anything about his feelings but I am pretty sure it is clear to me despite this, perhaps walking before running at the very least. @Grendacious no I expected to hear it I think I just needed to have an outside perspective as I'm a bit in my head about things. @Strawfan I suppose I hadn't really thought about how he might be if he was working etc. I'm by no means stupid but yes you are right things like responsibility do change a person.
To all asking I genuinely haven't had the courage to ask where he is getting his money from I am aware that these are the absolute things you should know if you want to pursue a relationship but as I'm not even sure what's happening I have let this slide. For now

Head.
This chap may be fun but he's not a keeper. I could be wrong but before you know it he could be moved in and sponging off you.
Unless there's exceptionally good reasons why he's not working or financially independent I would not entertain a serious relationship.

@SerenityNowInsanityLater not just my child but also his will be involved. It's absolutely right to suggest to use my head, it's just in those moments where I have a little flutter of what if? Or it's been a really enjoyable time together that my confusion slips in.

In the nicest possible way, OP, do you not have many male friends? Are you confusing the normal excitement of making a new friend you really gel with with a romantic attraction?

It’s perfectly possible to be enormously fond of someone and enjoy getting to know them, and not lurch into a sexual relationship with them. I have male friends I adore, who are caring, funny, brilliant friends, but also pretty piss-poor boyfriends and husbands.

@Beamur I understand what you are saying. I think part of me is also thinking how do I let this guy down. I do not want to end up in a situation I do not want to be in of course but I don't think I am very good at these things after spending so much of my life married. I am starting to value the friendship and I know people will say if he is a friend he will understand but I don't think that the friendship could last it if I turned him down

@Triskeline I do have a few but certainly not on this level no. I very much am enjoying the excitement and I understand what you say. Equally because I am enjoying it I do not want it to spoil in any way but I do not know how it could survive as a friendship if I turned him down romantically I think that would be the end. That's not to say I will end up in a situation I do not want because of this but I will definitely miss a new friendship

Definitely head in this case. While he might be great fun as a mate, he ticks an awful lot of potential freeloading cocklodger boxes.

As another PP said they’re men who make brilliant mates if you’re looking for a great night out but who would make the absolute worst partners on the planet.

Especially as there’s kids involved I would tread very very carefully with him. You’ve only got to read the countless threads on here from women shacked up with useless freeloading men because they were a good bloke at the start.

Oh believe me! I’ve been in your exact shoes, OP! I really empathise. But I realised my kids just wouldn’t have tolerated this layabout taking advantage of their mum, nice as he was in other ways. Write a pros and cons list! That will help your head and heart in a hurry! 😆

So how is he supporting his kid if he doesn't work? How does he safely see his kid if he rents a room off a friend?

I actually couldn't be friends with a deadbeat father, I would find that a real clash of values, but you do you. In terms of a romantic relationship though - the hills are that way.

part of me is also thinking how do I let this guy down

It's not good that you're having this angst over him. Your head is clearly telling you - and everyone here - this isn't a good direction to go in, and it only compounds that tbh if you're so worried about "letting him down". You should feel free to make your decision without such weight on you. Take a good few steps back and see it for the romantic non-starter that it is. See other people and you'll feel less enmeshed in this one who really doesn't sound right for you at this point in your life. You need to feel less grateful and more confident and you can only do that by owning your agency.

OP! He’d be a nightmare partner. Don’t do it.

Never worry about letting a guy down. Women being overly polite and nice leads quite often to much worse lives for them.

I am sure he is being a delight as he is thinking how much easier his life would be with you in it. Look at the many threads on here from women who have ended up with men like him.

Then keep it platonic! Enjoy the friendship, and don’t store up problems down the line when you’re supporting Fag Ash Larry, who’s moved into yours with his Benson and Hedges habit and absent work ethic, just as you realise that driving him around all the time is killing your attraction to his unconventional looks…?

And if he can’t handle romantic rejection, then he’s not a good friend, anyway.

This is the moment for your head to run the show.

It's never a good idea to only follow your heart or only follow your head. A stable, long-term and loving relationship has a lot of aspects to it, and you need to use all of your senses to make a good decision. You should be with someone you care about and are attracted to, but you should also be smart and sensible - especially as you have a child.

There's absolutely no way I would entertain the idea of being with this man. He might have a nice personality, but he lacks in every other aspect, which is not good.

an unemployed, non driving, smoking cocklodger. Sounds exciting….

Of course he’s a great listener and a great friend and lots of fun. He has no job and no place to live and he wants you to provide him with money and a roof over his head. There’s no one so charming as a man with no prospects.

He’s angling to become a cocklodger. Don’t let him.

Absolutely not.
Give your head a wobble and start dating someone else. Ideally not a wannabe cocklodger who will use you for free childcare.

@northernlight20 exactly right 🫣 I don't know if I'm just getting swept up with the excitement of the good times because they are good times, and someone listening etc. But for me I have wandered down the what if path and yes it's definitely not ideal very scary for me to even contemplate being with someone else again and exactly where my confusion comes from. I don't know what I'm thinking and at the same time there I go again!!!