Confusion. To follow head or heart?

[Brattyprincess]

In the last couple of years my marriage of 12 years ended. I have been very cautious about starting a new relationship because I have a young child.

However I have recently started a new friendship with a single father I know. It is clear to me that this friend may be feeling more. I feel very confused because I have a list of things I would want from a potential partner. None of these he meets. He does not work, he does not drive, he smokes, he is not attractive in a traditional way, he does not own a house or rent traditionally - he is living with a friend. The more I get to know him the more I am conflicted about whether any of these things matter and if I am being unreasonable AIBU about what I think is important, if it was just one or two things I could potentially let them go but really ot seems the odds are against him? And yet!? I don't know what to do here, I feel like I have gained a very good friend and we get on extremely well together. Very playful very fun, sometimes share serious conversations that are deep, Sometimes I even imagine how things might be if we were to go the romantic route but I always come back to my list and if my needs would be met, practically (financially etc) I feel a bit lost. Head or heart!?

@Quitelikeit I agree love does not pay the rent. I suppose I'm conflicted because I wonder if he will ever catch a break? I know it is 100% not my responsibility to care for another adult let alone an additional child but I wonder if I couldn't help him turn things around, but we are told we can't change people. It's a tricky thing isn't it really. I know that my head should rule and I see the comments I do. I do

You only live once. Live a little and follow your heart and see how it goes. Sounds like you deserve some excitement.

@Pinkbonbon thank you

@BeRealOrca I think you are the exception here!! It's hard hitting because I think definitely long term unless things change, and they say don't try to change people! I don't think I can let some of these things slide, maybe compromise on a couple, I don't want to be a chauffeur but would it be forever? The house thing, who actually owns their own house nowadays I know it is hard for people. I want to do what's best but I don't want to miserable

That sympathy will run out OP but by the time it does you will be absolutely exhausted.

Life is what you make it, what's he doing about his housing situation and why hasn't he approached the council for temporary housing to get a home quicker for a start?

No decent parent should have their child sofa surfing sometimes its unavoidable but it shouldnt be a long term plan, are you absolutely sure this person they are living with is a friend? Kids need a home and space to have the stuff, without that there is no stability

Does he have the child full time?

I mean you can try to help but from a sensible distance.

It is true though that you can rarely change people.

I mean he is probably surviving from benefits and it’s possible that he is getting PIP if he is deemed unable to work.

Because I’m so nosey I’d love to know what his previous job was and why he no longer works - I’m assuming he only has access to his child and not full time care? As obviously that might hinder him getting a job

He doesn't sound very exciting though.

Wheres he gonna take her with no money? A drive up the A9?

Oh no wait, he doesn't drive either :/

Hell if he was gorgeous and op just wanted some fun I'd be on the 'go for it!" bus. 'Just don't meet him in your home and don't get pregnant!'.

But he isn't even hot.
So sod that!

@Quitelikeit yes he has full custody of his child. I see how he is with the child and how he loves them but I do also question the situation about where they live etc. I don't want to think that this makes him a bad person because of his circumstances but I'm confused about knowing where to draw the line, and like you say I expect my empathy will run out of I become the put on person.

The driving is not something that would bother me, the housing long term and choosing not to work is a complete red flag. It wasn't before I experienced it but now it's an absolute red flag, I wouldn't even consider someone with no job. They don't need to be rich or highly paid I'm not materialistic, but they do need a job any job. Owning a house wouldn't bother me either I don't own one.

@Pinkbonbon I don't think I've been on the A9 either damn it!
I agree I am definitely questioning what I am wanting and willing to compromise on. Something I definitely should do before embarking on any new relationship regardless of who it is with. It's tricky when you get stuck in a moment of fuzzies not to get carried away.

@Quitelikeit he has full custody of the child the mother walked away (why I don't know! Another question!!)

Have you seen or spoken to the friend they are living with? It feels abit off, it's perfectly possible but unusual to say the least, they are a very good person if they are just friends letting them live there.

He needs to get a permanent home for the child set up, is he actively doing something about it or you don't know?

If he's genuinely a single parent and the child is young working can be difficult around school etc but there are before and after school clubs he can use. Has he said if he worked before he got custody?

Why are you thinking about helping him? You don't actually know him or his situation. I would concentrate on my child and myself. In what way could a homeless, jobless adult with full custody for a child, be a suitable partner?

I think you've got Rose tinted glasses on.

I mean it's clear you have an interest in trying with him but I'd start asking the serious questions and laying bare my expectations and do not under any circumstances let them move in with you, he needs to get a place.

@WmFnKdSg1234 absolutely this is why I'm questioning everything

Head. You have a child to think of.

Well, agreed, but nothing the OP has said suggests this man is in any way ‘exciting’? He’s not someone who’s thrown in the 9 to 5 to dedicate his life to something else. I know someone who centres his life on doing ultramarathons, by having a eco business that doesn’t need his day to day participation all year — but he’s solvent, single, childfree, focusing on training and enjoying life. I know a guy who divides his life between a houseboat in Amsterdam and studying Buddhism and funds this by working as a ski and mountain guide in the Alps. I know someone who is rewilding a mountain farm and living in a van while restoring a ruin. But they all work, doing something they enjoy, and two of the three are single and all are childfree by choice.

All we know about this guy is that he smokes, doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, and is raising a child in a houseshare. It doesn’t sound madly exciting.

Don't do it.

Sounds to me the OP is getting excited by the thought of it though. Who cares if he's hot or not. It sounds like there is chemistry between them and that's harder to come by.

And who says it needs to he a long term thing.

@Brattyprincess

The question is, will you regret following your list and never finding how it might have panned out, or regret taking a risk and see where it takes you?

I think the fact you've had to post on MN shows your heart is currently leading and you're trying to find arguments for your head.

Money or chemistry? I know what I would pick in a heart beat.

@Triskeline and the one who isn't single by choice what's wrong with him?! Of course I'm joking. But you are right when I really think about it he's not that exciting. I am basing things on a few good times we have had, at his or at a restaurant or on a walk. We have never been to mine or further than a mile or so from his. So I really don't know what to expect.

@BeRealOrca you raise a good point. I think that at some point you need to choose happiness. Do the expectations we put on things really have to do with us or what society says is right. Absolutely I think people are right to have questions and want a stable person with an income. But where should we draw the line. There are no guarantees in life. We could all loose a job tomorrow, a house a perfect life. I've been there and lost things in the past that were our of my control. But I've built myself back up on my own and would not want resentment to creep in.

He’s in a LD relationship with someone in another country!

I’m not dissing your good times in the least. It just sounds to me as if you may be confusing the nice fizz of a new friendship with sexual attraction simply because you’re both straight and single…? But that you could sleep together doesn’t mean you should…

@Quitelikeit ok so I literally just found out his last job was in a fish and chip shop 🫣 I mean it's still a job right?!

@Triskelineaybe long distance is why it works! Perhaps I should look into it!
Thank you for your posts, I think I have a lot of questions to ask. Definitely when it feels good I think it's because it's been such a long while since I've felt that way. It may not be the real deal.

How on earth does social services allow a man with no home to have a child full time?