Confusion. To follow head or heart?

[Brattyprincess]

In the last couple of years my marriage of 12 years ended. I have been very cautious about starting a new relationship because I have a young child.

However I have recently started a new friendship with a single father I know. It is clear to me that this friend may be feeling more. I feel very confused because I have a list of things I would want from a potential partner. None of these he meets. He does not work, he does not drive, he smokes, he is not attractive in a traditional way, he does not own a house or rent traditionally - he is living with a friend. The more I get to know him the more I am conflicted about whether any of these things matter and if I am being unreasonable AIBU about what I think is important, if it was just one or two things I could potentially let them go but really ot seems the odds are against him? And yet!? I don't know what to do here, I feel like I have gained a very good friend and we get on extremely well together. Very playful very fun, sometimes share serious conversations that are deep, Sometimes I even imagine how things might be if we were to go the romantic route but I always come back to my list and if my needs would be met, practically (financially etc) I feel a bit lost. Head or heart!?

@Brattyprincess you don't sound daft so why on earth are you even contemplating this? You should be seeking the best for yourself.

@PrincessMee absolutely. This is of course where the confusion comes in. Am I getting caught up in those really good moments and getting carried away with thoughts of what if? How will I know if these feelings will happen again. How do you determine if they are genuine and when to ignore them?

Oh thank you for finding that out for me 🤣🤣 it has scratched an itch

So who is the friend that he is living with?

I am quite surprised he has no social housing as he would certainly be entitled to some since he has a child full time

Does he have a mother/father/siblings etc?

Yeah a job is a job but how long ago was it? And for how long? Those are the things that matter tbh not the job itself or the money, but I have to say it sounds short lived.

The important thing is that he works, with support with childcare. Alot of schools provide breakfast and after school club now and he will get that paid.

It's not about judging someone losing a job, it's judging what they care currently doing to find another, what they are doing to find a better living situation with their child. If the answer is nothing then you will be doing all the work in the relationship aswell.

I think it can absolutely be the ‘real deal’ in terms of this guy being a genuinely great new addition to your life. I just don’t think it needs to be a sexual/romantic real deal.

@Mummy2024 from what I'm peicing together about 4 years ago.

@Quitelikeit I'm not quite sure where the friend comes in. He's a man older than him.
It is all bit odd isn't it? I think mumsnet is making me see things a bit different

Not being conventionally attractive and smoking wouldn't bother me but no job and no proper home would be big turn offs.

Presumably he's helping pay the rent so it could be a rent a room sort of situation, I mean if it's like a 3 bed house and the son/daughter has their own room, then actually it's probably less of an issue.

The job thing for me is a massive issue. You should ask him what his plans are for getting back to work etc, if talk of a relationship comes up. What you do next can depend on his answer.

I'm not saying don't do it anymore OP I'm only saying ensure he's aware of your desires for the future and what you are looking for in a partner before it becomes serious.