Confusion. To follow head or heart?

[Brattyprincess]

In the last couple of years my marriage of 12 years ended. I have been very cautious about starting a new relationship because I have a young child.

However I have recently started a new friendship with a single father I know. It is clear to me that this friend may be feeling more. I feel very confused because I have a list of things I would want from a potential partner. None of these he meets. He does not work, he does not drive, he smokes, he is not attractive in a traditional way, he does not own a house or rent traditionally - he is living with a friend. The more I get to know him the more I am conflicted about whether any of these things matter and if I am being unreasonable AIBU about what I think is important, if it was just one or two things I could potentially let them go but really ot seems the odds are against him? And yet!? I don't know what to do here, I feel like I have gained a very good friend and we get on extremely well together. Very playful very fun, sometimes share serious conversations that are deep, Sometimes I even imagine how things might be if we were to go the romantic route but I always come back to my list and if my needs would be met, practically (financially etc) I feel a bit lost. Head or heart!?

Don't do it... please do not do it. If you do this, all you can expect is you will be the provider in every single way.

If your really set on it make your expectations clear, you expect him to work get a place to live (not with you) etc etc if these things don't happen a relationship with you won't go anywhere and stick to it aswell.

At what point do we stop judging someone and just let things progress and see what happens? I absolutely know that it's not ideal I have highlighted this myself, but my husband (who cheated on me) was the almost opposite of this man......I completely understand what you are all saying and I know that I should be very careful as there are children involved I think I just wanted to see what outside people thought. I think it's clear.
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Just see how it goes, you don't have to marry the man. If he's a useless freeloader, just move on ☺️.

Only because I've been there it's physically and emotionally draining OP carrying an entire family for years and years. Being poor despite working your ass off, never being able to buy yourself anything as you have to fund everyone else.

I'm happy to say I put my foot down in the end and said enough is enough I did exactly what I've told you to do and an emotional mountain has lifted off my shoulders and we are much better off.

Don't let yourself end up agreeing to turn it romantic for fear of losing the friendship. To a degree, the longer you carry this on, the more justified he might be to feel aggrieved when you've hung in for flirty fun meantime, giving the impressionhes in with a chance.
He sounds pretty poor as a prospect, and your requirements seem to be no more than anyone would expect as a minimum, yet he's not meeting any of them.
That you would potentially overule all the basic requirements, says more about you having missed being found attractive by someone and having the close contact. However, you'd probably feel the same about many men you could be in this position with, it just happens that this one should not be the one you chose. If you dont smoke, the fact that he does should put you right off, and you didn't even find him attractive to start with.
Stand off, bide your time, keep yourself open for a man who does have more going for him. The more time you spend with this one, the further away you are from being with someone better.
Once you know that a friend has developed feelings, it's time to reconsider the friendship. It's not fair to keep someone hanging, as much as its not right to trade in all your requirements for fear of upsetting someone.
What if, can change to why on earth did I?

I absolutely know that it's not ideal

So don't settle for it if you're looking for long term or involving the kids. That needs to be better than "not ideal".

Fine if you want a casual thing.

First of all, there's nothing wrong with being judgemental, it's something we all are to some extent - and NEED to be in order to navigate this world. We need to be able to filter out what's not good for us. I don't think any woman is helping herself by convincing herself that being judgemental of men is a bad thing. Considering how awful men often are, it'd be ridiculous NOT to be judgemental.

Secondly, I believe there are some bare minimums men must live up to, and it wouldn't be judgemental if you reject them if they don't live up to them. Having a job - or at least actively looking for one - is one of those bare minimums.

I'm sorry to hear about your ex, but just because your husband looked good on paper and he ended up cheating, doesn't mean that if you go for the opposite kind of person the 'result' will be fidelity.

If you want a man for the long-term, and someone who'll be a true partner...this man is not for you.

@pinkdelight I agree. Part of it is that I feel like he will feel completely shit about his situation and it will miserable for him to be judged on these things. I don't know how he makes his money I don't know why he doesn't drive, I know you might say how is he a friend but at the same time although get on and talk about life, I haven't dug right down into specifics. I get the impression he is choosing not to work which is obviously not a good thing at also ask how does he get away with it!? But maybe I'm actually afraid to ask......

What @Mummy2024 said. From experience, starts off sweetness and light and ends up giving you ptsd. It’s not judgemental to expect more and have boundaries.

@SirenDiMare I hear you.

He's on universal credit presumably living rent free, if he's choosing not to work then that says it all.... its not judgemental to question that, he should feel shit and be made to feel it aswell. He will drag you down to depths you didn't know existed OP. you will grow tired of being the only grown up in the room and probably be stuck with them in your house.

Cocklodger alert!!!!!!

Nobody's more keen on you than a man with no house.

Ruuuuuun!

And seriously op, work on your boundaries. Youve only been single a few years, you halve kids to watch out for and you're dating a guy with no house and no job and a bloody kid you'd no doubt have to help with (who isn't even attractive!). Madness!

He wants a nanny and a house.

Absolutely on the cocklodger comment 👏

@Opentooffers I agree with what you say about how I am and if I am potentially leading him on of course he will be upset. Yes I wonder though how many of the basic requirements are needed, I agree with smoking, owning a house is so difficult now days I wonder if I will even find a home owner at all. I guess I am beginning to question what I would compromise on in the future if anything and of the prospect of letting anyone else close on top of all of this is scary, I think I'm focusing too much on that I see has a nice guy, which despite all of his short comings I think he is. But perhaps I don't know him well enough yet or as well as I like to think

Do yourself a big favour and do not get romantically involved. Life is hard enough without carrying someone else.

Exactly my first thoughts as above! ^^
Sums it up really.
How can you bear to kiss someone who smells or tastes like an old ashtray?
Beware the Cocklodger. There’s a lot of’em about!

But are you confusing friendship with sexual attraction? Finding a new friend is wonderful — I’m straight, but still remember the excitement of getting to know someone who has become one of my closest female friends, back in the 1990s. I can imagine that, if you were in a relationship for a long time that it might happen that you could confuse the platonic excitement of a new friendship with sexual attraction, just because you’re a man and a woman who could, if they both wanted, have sex.

But obviously that doesn’t mean you should. A good friend can be a dreadful boyfriend, and do you really want this man around your young child as a role model? Or even stinking of stale fags?

You should honestly never be afraid to ask men questions. It's your right to know what kind of man you're potentially getting involved with...

@Pinkbonbon thank you. To be clear we are not yet dating. The op states that I have confusion of where it could go based on the requirements I thought I had set. I am questioning whether I could compromise on things. It is clear what people are saying and I appreciate the input or I would not have asked. I think that the difficulty is that he seems like a nice guy and perhaps this is all I am focusing on, when I am caught up in a moment of having a good time. I have not had this for some time. I realise that I am of course the issue here because I am not being confident enough/adamant about what I need I think I am focusing on the warm fuzzies of the possibilities of a new relationship. This is why I am questioning everything. I also do not focus too much on physical attraction like a lot of people I think attraction grows but also comes with how someone makes you feel. I am aware and also think others may find him to be ugly which I am also questioning if this would bother me to be honest.

At what point do we stop judging someone and just let things progress and see what happens?

When you’re potentially bringing someone into your DC life then there’s no point where we stop judging.

If you fancy a bit of no strings fun with this guy then go for it but don’t let him anywhere near your family life.

@SirenDiMare I agree. I don't know why I am so worried about it. I feel like I have lost all logic somewhere!

Op please don't do this. You are not seeing the real him you are seeing a fantasy. He's a man child who never grew up. Wth would you want another child because trust me that's all he will be.

Oh I've been there, met a guy exactly like him he didn't work,he didn't drive and in the end had to to move back in with his mum because he literally can not function as a adult.

I ran so fast

But nice guys are ten a penny. I assume someone is nice till I learn otherwise, just like I assume they have a pulse until they turn out to be a vampire or something. If he weren’t in your life as a potential friend, I’d say go ahead and go to bed with him as an experiment, but you’d miss him as a friend, presumably. How long have you known him?

Hmm no job, no home, no nothing!

This is why they say love is blind 🤣🤣🤣

It’s a NO from me. Love doesn’t pay the rent……….

Either way the guy has many mental health issues, possible addiction

The fact he has no possessions or home/job all point to poor mental health

Why not ask him what he did in his last job?

You fancy someone or you don't though.
If you don't fancy them it's a friendship.
Why get involved talking about 'attraction can grow'. If it has to, sure! It certainly shouldn't be something you attempt to nurture with this guy though!

The issue is as well,he's not in a position to date either. Unless maybe he has savings.

If you're jobless, living with pals and potentially, on the brew then you're not in a position for anything more than friendships. Maybe the odd cheeky hook up.

Especially if you have a kid. He should be focusing on getting a stable home for her.