Who's in the right here?

[gingerandpeppermint]

Backstory for context.

6 years ago I got a stomach virus which gifted me with a bad case of IBS. I haven't been right since and 2 years ago I developed acute pancreatitis and had abdominal surgery making my IBS 10x worse. In heinzseight I should have gotten therapy as the entire experience was petrifying and everytime my stomach flares I get a severe amount of anxiety and in bad cases some very bad thoughts.

I am 31 years old and never went abroad until last year (I live in England and went to Greece). I went with my boyfriend who I've been with for almost 2 years. This guy has been loving, empathetic, understanding not only about my illness but about my anxiety over it, never ignorant nor patronising nor ANYTHINg remotely close to dismissive. He is an absolute gem and I don't deserve him..

However.
The ONE thing this guy loves is his yearly holiday. He works hard all year and was taken abroad since he was a baby, I respect this love he has as he is an adventurous soul like myself except since I got the chronic stomach issues I have to lay low. Even a city break triggers my issues. I was never taken abroad by my family.

Me and my boyfriend went to Greece last year and, not too surprisingly, I had the WORST flare of my life. Everything I ate went through me resulting in severe dehydration, malnutrition, starvation, humiliation and more importantly SEVERE anxiety. I lived off water and pretzels and wanted to come home everyday. We had some good times but it was one of the most anxiety inducing weeks of my life. I told him one night that I can't live like that anymore. It was a dark moment but I pulled through until the end of the holiday..

My boyfriend is extremely stubborn when he's passionate about something and as much as this is an admirable trait, he won't back down when it's something he's adamant about. This years holiday wasn't compromised whatsoever as we were both in different cities at the time he booked it and, much to my annoyance he is extremely close with his mum who, despite being lovely , dominates alot of his decisions (he lives with his parents). Whilst I begged him to book something a little closer and not so far, he and his mum were reassuring me stating "you'll be fine, stop worrying..it'll be lovely!". In respect I had to agree, agreeing that if I wanted to do america one day (my dream) I should get used to short haul first. This was a good point and logical point...

My stomach has been AMAZING for the first time since the surgery 2 years ago and I'm able to live my life again as things have settled. If I go abroad again I am PETRIFIED of messing things up and starting at square 1. I also don't want to go to THAT mental mindset again.

The reason I've had cold feet about the holiday 2 weeks prior is due to a virus I got last weekend - it unfortunately hit my stomach causing me to flare and my mental health has been rocky for days. It brought me back to Greece and the dread of being very unwell. I wanted to point out that meds weren't affective for me unless I took enough to make myself drowsy.

Please, offer your insight and sincerity, I'm ready for it haha. I know I'm a walking red flag here but I can't help but feel my impending withdrawal from the holiday is somewhat valid.

Thanks

I think id be like you and he should be less selfish and reslise that it isnt in your head as last time you got so unwell! Just refuse to go. Put yourself first.

What does your doctor say about travel? It sounds like you need objective medical advice. Are there IBS charities or support groups that can advise you too? You need to be taking ownership of this and telling him what you are willing to do, whether that's no travel at all, or (if possible) you coming up with a plan that accommodates your health needs. It can't just be him picking a holiday and then beseeching you to come.

Have you got a holiday booked in a fortnight? Are you saying youre thinking of pulling out?

Tell him to take a mate instead. He gets a holiday, you get to stay home, that's compromise.
Long term its maybe a case of chicken and egg, increased anxiety causing symptoms to get worse as much as worsening symptoms causing anxiety. So maybe some therapy would help you to with the emotional affects of this as you are young and its no way to live long term.

I know exactly what you mean. I suffer with IBS and my flare ups are terrible, going to Thailand in August I’m excited but dredding the thought of eating anything, I don’t know how I will cope whilst over there.

I have a similar thing to IBS and also struggle with travel. But I still go. I find heat makes things worse, and I've still not found the answer really.

Where are you going. I missed that bit

Thanks for reply, we're going to Tenerife!

They only recommended imodium! It worked for a couple of hours then things just got bad again

I don't think he'll forgive me if I don't go but I also think it's the best solution x

I'm glad you get it, do you get crippling anxiety over it too?? Thailand is so brave!

Do you take immodium when things start or beforehand? I have similar thanks to radiotherapy so try and take it in the morning if I'm going out or before a meal.

I have a bowel issue and omg the heat is absolutely the WORST thing for it. The flare ups are horrendous and I have to manage every tiny little thing that goes into my body as well as how much time I can spend outside and can only go somewhere if I have access to a public loo etc etc (and while I have to do this anyway it's 10x worse on holidays in the sun) otherwise I end up in hospital with massive inflammation, blood loss and dehydration issues.

I think your bf needs to be a bit more sensitive to this op. It's hard managing a bowel disorder. It might be frustrating but it's worse for you.

I do think you could probably benefit from some therapy though. Not just for the bowel issues but for the anxiety. Also go to your chemist and get some Buscopan if you haven't tried it already, it's great for spasms.

I still go on holiday and still lead a full life. Don't let this hold you back.

Why does it have to be you who goes with him? Cant he go with friends or family? Surely he managed a foreign holiday every year before you were together?

Heinzsight 🫢

You not going doesn’t stop him from going? Couples don’t have to holiday together!
I suggest you cancel, and work on why you feel such a need to acquiesce to him and his mother…there are many places you can go to much nearer - how about the Channel Isles for the next few years.

I’m adventurous, I sail my yacht single-handed and mountain-climb, but I never leave the UK for medical reasons and I would not stay with my DP if he tried to bully me about this.

Just tell him you are not going.

OP, protect your health above all else.
If he cannot understand and work with you on this issue, you are NOT compatible.
Tell him to take a friend.
Any pushback from him, end things.
You are only wasting your time with him.

😬

Yesss!!! I don’t go till August and my anxiety is through the roof. I’m trying g to remain calm but it’s impossible when keep thinking the worse! If I eat something that doesn’t agree with me and I’m not by a toilet I do not know what to do!! I’m planning on taking cereal bars/nuts etc

I knew this would come back to bite me 😆😆

Oh and dehydration in extreme heat puts you and your heart under severe pressure.
Take it very seriously.
I collapsed years ago in Asia from dehydration after diarrhea in the heat, and my sight went for a couple of hours. I was hospitalised on a drip overnight and thankfully was fine. It was very scary. The doctor warned me of just how serious it can be for your heart to be severely dehydrated in the heat.

Thanks for the tip and sorry to hear this. I won't lie, I hate taking meds so wait until something actually happens to take it , maybe that's where I'm going wrong

Just don't go ... why do you feel pressurised to go on holiday with him? My DH loves skiing - I don't, he goes with our DS or with mates. I am perfectly happy with that, I wouldn't moan that I'm not getting a holiday .. I would choose something I wanted to do on my own or with a friend.

He must be incredibly thoughtless if he could witness you suffering terribly and still try to convince you to go on holiday with him.
But is the holiday booked and paid for? Why didn't you just say immediately 'I won't be joining you this year, have a wonderful time'.

You've summarised this so well, the heat just makes things unbearable. Arguably this might have been the cause of the flare ... it'll be way hotter too as we're going at the start of July. I'm sorry you suffer so badly and empathise with the high sensitivity we face.. it's truly cruel.

I don't think he will back down despite trying to empathise, whats worse is I've kept us from going to posh restaurants and trying new foods and he has never been upset or annoyed. So in a way I feel I owe him one ...

On the same token I don't want to mess up my finally-good tummy. You're so strong for continuing to live your life

Told him this and he got very angry saying I wasn't appreciating the fact that he wanted to take me away instead of one of his friends. He has TONNES of them so not like he doesn't have an option but it backfired