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Original poster

Multiple affairs, MS and what to do next….?

141 replies

64scared · 16/06/2024 16:32

I am nearly 60. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 40 years. We have two kids in their thirties. Our marriage has, I thought, been pretty good, though I was diagnosed with MS at 27 and my health has not been amazing. We had an intimate sex life until twenty years ago. My illness then just made it the last thing on my mind. We never really discussed it and that side of things faded away…

DH has been the provider our whole married lives, or since I was diagnosed anyway. He owns his own business and works hard, and this involves regular travel. When at home he is fully present and I’ve never doubted his commitment to me. Until now.

We have never hidden phones from each other. We go in each others WhatsApp’s for various reasons. Then last weekend I was using his phone and discovered an app called telegram which he had open. He had a conversation open and I flicked through… increasingly in horror.

He was describing to a woman his cheating history. This spans ten years and has ranged from a few months to apparently five years. He set out how he has loved these women but will never leave me as I need him and he is committed to me. He has used work travel as a cover and managed to run these relationships without me ever suspecting a thing.

I feel strangely calm and haven’t said anything but what the fuck to do. If I were to raise it I don’t know what I’d be asking for. My home life is happy and this has been happening for ten years without any impact on me. He has set out to this new prospect that this will continue and I am torn between wanting to go ape shit and wanting to turn a blind eye.

what do you think? He is my carer. I can’t live independently. I have no income. And he’s made it clear he will never leave me. I feel betrayed but I also know that it probably wasn’t great to expect him to live without sex forever more.

I just want to go back to a world where I didn’t open his bloody app…

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 19/06/2024 08:48

I don't know why people seem to think it's unlikely that a man saying there is no sex is lying.
Because so many men would claim to have no sex at home when they were still in active relationships with their wives. Some men don't have sex at home. A lot of men are willing to claim not to.

WtP · 19/06/2024 22:11

This has really hit home with me!
Full disclosure I was the man in a marriage to my late wife who had MS.
We met when we were teenagers and she was diagnosed while at uni, very young at 20!
It took us 17 years to actually get married as we both concentrated on our careers, by the time we married in 1999 she was already having walking issues.
IIRC sex stopped due to various medical problems in 2009, I don't think we really talked about it and I just switched role to primary carer & sole earner till her death in 2019.
I missed the sex and intimacy but TBH what with working full time in a high stress job and my caring duties I was to tired for anything else & the thought of cheating on my wife isn't something I could have done.
I would never judge anyone else though as we are all different.
In the last 2 years I have dated again, recently for 11 months. But I have found the intimacy challenging as I think I have almost accepted that's over in my life?

XChrome · 20/06/2024 04:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2024 22:05

The narrative on here is always that a man who says he doesn’t have sex with his wife is lying but thread after thread suggests he’s probably not.

You consider threads on MN actual data points to be able to draw such a conclusion?
Statistically, sexless marriages are not common, but cheating is fairly common, probably more common than we know since people are reluctant to admit it. Do the math. The probability that a cheater is lying about that is high.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202309/how-common-are-sexless-marriages

How Couples in Sexless Marriages Cope

How sex disappears, and why it's not always a problem.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/the-myths-of-sex/202309/how-common-are-sexless-marriages

XChrome · 20/06/2024 04:45

ohdearymeeewhy · 17/06/2024 20:44

I've name changed and am not trying to wind anyone up. I juts want to give the OW view, please don't read on if you don't want that.

I have had a 5 year affair with a man trapped in a sexless marriage. He tried to fix it and couldn't. He won't leave, yes we have feelings for each other and talk everyday. It was just sex to begin with but now we support each other through tough times. Does he want to do this, no. Does he feel he can live for you next 40 years without sex, no. His wife made that decision for him

What a shame there isn't a snorting with derision emoji.

XChrome · 20/06/2024 04:51

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/06/2024 05:41

You could say exactly the same about a non-sexual marriage. His needs haven't been considered at all.

Show quote history

Except that she did not choose to be ill and usually, marriage vows don't include; "I promise to blow you in sickness and in health." He chose to cheat and I'm assuming he promised to be faithful.
He had other options, but picked the one that takes away her right to consent.
He didn't even attempt to talk to her to make an arrangement for ethical non-monogamy. He's a fuckwit.

XChrome · 20/06/2024 05:08

DarnItandShucks · 17/06/2024 20:26

I've NC for this.

Someone upthread asked how a woman can have an affair with a guy knowing this.

I've done that, exactly that, a guy was honest that his wife was disabled, he loved her and they didn't have sex anymore, but he wasn't going to leave her. He never spoke badly of her but he wanted a sexual relationship and a bit of different companionship at times. Why did I do it? I'm a single parent to two young DDs. I don't want a LTR or marriage, or anyone meeting my daughters. Nor did I want someone who wanted a big commitment. For me, someone who was happy at home and wasn't going to leave his wife was perfect. I wasn't setting out to hurt his wife, I never messaged at times I thought she would see, we caught up for chats and messages a couple of times a week. Mainly life stuff, but then we'd meet up for sex and it was fun. For me it was like a FWB situation. There are plenty of women out here that don't want a relationship and this worked. We eventually fizzled out, no drama, I wished him well. So if you do decide to ignore it, with how he's laying it out, it doesn't sound remotely like he's planning on leaving, and it's likely he's meeting women that have a similar outlook and don't want him to leave either. Obviously there's no guarantee to that, but I do think he has been discreet if it's been going on 10 years and you haven't suspected.

He was probably lying. Did you bother to check his story? I doubt it. You would have still done it if he had admitted to a robust sex life with his wife. Accept that you have wronged that woman and stop making excuses for yourself.

CalicoPusscat · 20/06/2024 05:08

@64scared how are things?

XChrome · 20/06/2024 05:09

Janiie · 16/06/2024 21:03

It isn't brave to admit to having sex wirh multiple others whilst married and yes we can judge.

People can have open relationships or separate. I'm the last person to advocate sexless relationships and to just reject a partner for years thinking it's fine is not ok, illnesses or not, but before anyone fucks around they need to talk to their dp. 'Look having no intimacy is really making me miserable so we can either try to fix that, have an open relationship or separate'.

There shouldn't ever be an option for sneaking about telling lies and meeting others all whilst playing happy families at home.

Show quote history

Well said.

XChrome · 20/06/2024 05:14

dunkdemunder · 16/06/2024 20:24

Everyone's different and has different libidos.

Many men would struggle to be forced into celibacy at such a young age. Especially when the OP admits she didn't discuss anything. She just stopped. The lack of communication about it would have been awful as it suggests no thought or care

The alternative would be that he left. This would nit have served anyone well either.

I think it's harsh demonising a man for seeking intimacy elsewhere after a decade of none.

Show quote history

Another alternative would be to come to an honest agreement. He didn't even try.

Roselilly36 · 20/06/2024 07:04

I can empathise. I also have MS and it is hard,it’s not only me living with , it’s the impact on Dh& my adult sons lives. DH and I have been married 30 years. He makes me feel loved and supported, but I do feel bad at times that we can’t do certain or go to places he would like to go too, as he thankfully is fit and well. I don’t know what the answer is. Life often doesn’t turn out how you imagine it will and you just have to make the best of it.

DarnItandShucks · 20/06/2024 16:22

XChrome · 20/06/2024 05:08

He was probably lying. Did you bother to check his story? I doubt it. You would have still done it if he had admitted to a robust sex life with his wife. Accept that you have wronged that woman and stop making excuses for yourself.

Show quote history

You misunderstand me if you think I am making excuses for myself, I was simply explaining a scenario I was in. I don't care about his wife, so there's absolutely zero reason to make excuses for myself. I am perfectly happy with my choices in the situation I was in and haven't wronged his wife. I owe her nothing.
There are thousands of people (of both sexes) making choices to let sex lives disappear with no discussion with their partner. There are people who are happy to fill that gap for various reasons.

Boomer55 · 20/06/2024 17:00

ByCupidStunt · 16/06/2024 17:01

I know it's wrong but it must be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for a 40 year old man to go without sex for the rest of his life.

The alternative was to divorce you - his wife who hasn't done anything wrong but has MS - and that makes him look bad too. I have a friend with MS and her husband divorced her when he found out, not long after they married and obviously this has made him the villan ever since (she didn't tell him she had MS before they got married)

He's in an unenviable position and so are you. I don't know what the answer is but I do know that there are, and always have been, marriages where people turn a blind eye to infidelity as long as everything else is OK.

I'm sorry for your illness .

Edited

This. I’m disabled, with an MS type thing. Very few men (or women) can go without sex for life, from the age of 40. Sometimes, a discreet affair can be the best option.

Painful for all parties.

XChrome · 20/06/2024 17:46

DarnItandShucks · 20/06/2024 16:22

You misunderstand me if you think I am making excuses for myself, I was simply explaining a scenario I was in. I don't care about his wife, so there's absolutely zero reason to make excuses for myself. I am perfectly happy with my choices in the situation I was in and haven't wronged his wife. I owe her nothing.
There are thousands of people (of both sexes) making choices to let sex lives disappear with no discussion with their partner. There are people who are happy to fill that gap for various reasons.

Show quote history

So, in your view, if you don't care about somebody, you can't possibly do that person wrong.
No, I didn't misunderstand you. That's just another excuse.
We all have an obligation not to do harm to others, whether we care about them personally or not.

DarnItandShucks · 20/06/2024 17:56

@XChrome

You're going to pick fault in anything I say as you fundamentally disagree with me.
That's absolutely fine.

I am happy with the choices I made at the time and if it suited would likely make them again.

Making excuses is trying to justify what I did, I don't need to do that. I'm ok with it.

Janiie · 21/06/2024 10:23

XChrome · 20/06/2024 05:14

Another alternative would be to come to an honest agreement. He didn't even try.

Show quote history

Exactly.

I don't think anyone agrees that sexless relationships are fair or the way forward but if you love someone you discuss it, try to find solutions. Ask them if they fancy having sex with randoms too.

It's the deceit, the lies, the betrayal that must be shit. And the 'other people' be it men or women who are so desperate for a fuck that they go along with it all and actively encourage it are absolutely pathetic and need to work on their self esteem if they are happy to accept these crumbs.

Strin · 21/06/2024 17:24

I think I’d turn a blind eye in this situation but now you know it might eat away at you.

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