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Original poster

Multiple affairs, MS and what to do next….?

141 replies

64scared · 16/06/2024 16:32

I am nearly 60. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 40 years. We have two kids in their thirties. Our marriage has, I thought, been pretty good, though I was diagnosed with MS at 27 and my health has not been amazing. We had an intimate sex life until twenty years ago. My illness then just made it the last thing on my mind. We never really discussed it and that side of things faded away…

DH has been the provider our whole married lives, or since I was diagnosed anyway. He owns his own business and works hard, and this involves regular travel. When at home he is fully present and I’ve never doubted his commitment to me. Until now.

We have never hidden phones from each other. We go in each others WhatsApp’s for various reasons. Then last weekend I was using his phone and discovered an app called telegram which he had open. He had a conversation open and I flicked through… increasingly in horror.

He was describing to a woman his cheating history. This spans ten years and has ranged from a few months to apparently five years. He set out how he has loved these women but will never leave me as I need him and he is committed to me. He has used work travel as a cover and managed to run these relationships without me ever suspecting a thing.

I feel strangely calm and haven’t said anything but what the fuck to do. If I were to raise it I don’t know what I’d be asking for. My home life is happy and this has been happening for ten years without any impact on me. He has set out to this new prospect that this will continue and I am torn between wanting to go ape shit and wanting to turn a blind eye.

what do you think? He is my carer. I can’t live independently. I have no income. And he’s made it clear he will never leave me. I feel betrayed but I also know that it probably wasn’t great to expect him to live without sex forever more.

I just want to go back to a world where I didn’t open his bloody app…

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 17/06/2024 04:57

I'm the other side of this situation, my exh has MS, he was diagnosed when I was nearly 8 months pregnant with ds, our sex life ended when ds was 2, I felt unloved & more like a nurse carer than a wife. I cheated on him in the last couple of months of our marriage, I'm not proud of the fact, I just felt very lonely & unloved. When he found out, he raped me, so the not being capable of sex line he told me was a lie. That was the final straw & I took ds & left him a couple of weeks later.

kkloo · 17/06/2024 05:02

Nouvellenovel · 16/06/2024 19:48

If one partner in a relationship decides to withhold intimacy without a discussion and consideration towards the other partner then what do they expect.

Your dh should have communicated how he felt but as you’re unwell perhaps felt he didn’t want to press the issue.

You either carry on as before or finally communicate your wants and needs to each other with a view to a mutually acceptable resolution.

Withholding intimacy/sex has to be one of the most stupid, misleading phrases that people use to describe this.

Like the intimacy is there but the person just holds it back for whatever reason.

She lost her ability to have and enjoy sex. She has no sex to give. She's not withholding anything.

The only sex she could give would be sex she doesn't want, and that's rarely pleasant for anyone, it's also not sustainable because most who try to go along with sex they don't want find that they can't keep that up forever because it gets more and more intolerable.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/06/2024 05:38

@Nat6999 that is so terrible. I am so sorry for you.

I'm really really glad you got away from him.

💐

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/06/2024 05:41

HollyKnight · 17/06/2024 00:24

I don't think it is ever ok to take away someone's right to decide if they want to be in a non-monogamous relationship. No matter how he dresses it up, he made that decision for you because he wanted to.

I don't know where you can go from here. 10 years ago you might have been better able to leave this relationship, but sadly you'll never know now because he stole any possibility of that from you with lies.

You could say exactly the same about a non-sexual marriage. His needs haven't been considered at all.

StopStartStop · 17/06/2024 06:26

When we married for better or worse I didn’t expect this. If he had some manner of illness that had killed his sex drive I think I would have been ok with that. I really didn’t think of marriage as a list of things that, if the spouse didn’t provide, you would go elsewhere.

Put aside your expectations. Look at the reality. You have a good life, with a husband who cares about you. He isn't depriving you of sex - you don't want it. Even though you 'expected' exclusivity, you didn't have the right to force him into celibacy. He didn't leave you. He didn't stop caring for you or caring about you. Cut him some slack. And yourself also.

HollyKnight · 17/06/2024 07:24

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/06/2024 05:41

You could say exactly the same about a non-sexual marriage. His needs haven't been considered at all.

Show quote history

No one deserves to be cheated on. Not even disabled people, despite what this thread is saying.

He has a mouth. He should have used it.

StopStartStop · 17/06/2024 07:42

He has a mouth. He should have used it.

Perhaps he couldn't reach...

EVIEeeee · 17/06/2024 07:54

Phones are evil and cause so much temptation for "weak" people. How bluddy dare he insult you like this. You do not need him. Hes a liar. Hes selfish. Multiple womem would suggest that nobody is that worthy to him and he wants more than he has.

Ok fine its abit rubbish when someone has a health issue and sex fails. My bf has a back problem and sex is just not a massive part of things. Its frustrating for me because i love him and want to be intimate. But i dont get the urge to cheat.

You should confront him. Its horrendous nd you deserve better x

Janiie · 17/06/2024 07:56

HollyKnight · 17/06/2024 07:24

No one deserves to be cheated on. Not even disabled people, despite what this thread is saying.

He has a mouth. He should have used it.

Show quote history

Exactly, why on earth don't people discuss it 'intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship if you don't want to have any kind of a physical relationship we need to come up with solutions'.

I don't think anyone should have to accept a sexless relationship but nor do I think betrayal and lies is anyway the way forward.

CalicoPusscat · 17/06/2024 08:43

Phone lines are open @64scared, you can start your PIP claim. I'm bossy, yes!

I do think that if you want to talk to him about knowing you should have a clearer idea of the financial situation first as you sounded worried.

ManilowBarry · 17/06/2024 08:48

Normally I would condemn any kind of cheating but neither of you had a chat about your lack of sex life. Letting it fade away was a big mistake.

Yes he's cheated but he was/is healthy and it would be an awful thought for him never to have sex again because his wife can't/won't.

It's a sad situation for both of you.

He could have left you but hasn't and says he won't.

Without him your life would collapse as he's your carer and provider.

This needs to be brought out into the open and a proper discussion as how to move forward now that you know the truth.

ManilowBarry · 17/06/2024 08:51

User364837 · 16/06/2024 17:11

Do you get what you need from the relationship? Has it been working for you? Are you happy never to be physically intimate with him ever again?

if so then it’s a lot to process but it might be a situation where pragmatically the best thing is to turn a blind eye.

I have to agree with this. At this stage in her life it would be a very difficult decision to go it alone.

I don't think he's a cad or a bounder, I think he is committed to the marriage in terms of caring for his wife and providing for her but has sought physical pleasure out of her sight otherwise he would have probably left her.

rookiemere · 17/06/2024 08:51

Poor you OP, it's a lot to take in.

One thing that's strange is that he has been so careful to keep the two worlds separate until now, when you find a message open on his device. I do wonder if this is him actually trying to tell you without having to say it.

You don't have to rush to do anything OP, and none of us can tell you what the right thing is for you to do.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 17/06/2024 09:43

ManilowBarry · 17/06/2024 08:51

I have to agree with this. At this stage in her life it would be a very difficult decision to go it alone.

I don't think he's a cad or a bounder, I think he is committed to the marriage in terms of caring for his wife and providing for her but has sought physical pleasure out of her sight otherwise he would have probably left her.

Show quote history

He's a self-serving liar and a cheat. I think it's very dangerous advice, suggesting the OP stick her head back in the sand and hope for the best, leaving her long term security completely in his hands. He could pull the rug from under her feet at any time, without warning.

Janiie · 17/06/2024 09:48

'Without him your life would collapse as he's your carer and provider.'

He travels regularly for work/cheating purposes so the op must have ways of managing.

As others have said she needs to apply for pip, see how she'd manage with half the value of house towards future rental costs but more importantly have a discussion. Sticking her head in the sand isn't an option, it's surely just good luck that he hasn't met anyone yet whom he has really fallen for.

AnotherPoxyName · 17/06/2024 09:50

Bless you both. It sounds like he went 10 years without intimacy before caving and embarking upon affairs. He sounds like a really good man who clearly loves you and I can’t imagine the decisions he made was one he ever expected or wanted to. I actually feel really sorry for both of you.

I personally couldn’t stay quiet. I would have to tell him I know. I’d have to express how sad I was but I’d also have to tell him that I understand, that I don’t want to know anything about it but I love him and I appreciate his respect for me and my feelings through it all.

I don’t think I’d be pushing for a divorce, as it doesn’t sound like he’s a cheating arsehole, more a man who loves his wife but needs physical intimacy.

Wherearemymarbles · 17/06/2024 10:16

Hi OP
MS is a vile disease and you both have my complete sympathy.

have you posted on the MS society forum or similar? There will be many people in the same position as you who maybe able to give you some support and advise.

As far as DH, I rather think he actually very decent.
You had no idea so his affairs have not impacted your life.
He also has the decency to spell out to his potential partner exactly what a sexual relationship with him would be like and what he could offer.

I suspect most men would try to string women along in order to get them into bed.
If he was going to leave he would have done it already.

I wish you both all the best.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 17/06/2024 10:48

64scared · 16/06/2024 17:34

I am fine without sex. The thought of it now is unbearable. I just couldn’t. Turning a blind eye feels the best thing in many ways but that’s not a choice, it’s a reaction. I don’t feel like I have choices. If we divorced I would presumably get half of assets but I can’t imagine he would be expected to provide me with an income and / or a carer. I feel completely stuck….

I wouldn't turn a blind eye, it will only cause resentment. Talk to him. You are both mature people. Talk about what you both need to do to get the best out of your relationship. It doesn't sound like he will leave you and you can't leave him so ... personally it's the fact that he has fallen in love with them that is the most offensive. I do not believe you can love two people at once so I would want to talk about that aspect of it if it were me.

Janiie · 17/06/2024 11:41

'As far as DH, I rather think he actually very decent'

No, he isn't decent at all. He a cheating, lying arsehole. The last 10 years have been full of lies and deceit.

Again, I don't support sexless relationships at all as one party will invariably stray so people need to talk to each other and tell each other how they feel. The op had no idea it was a problem. Yes, she could've guessed as most couples do indeed have some form of intimacy. The pair of them have stuck their heads in the sand.

A mutually consensual open relationship or separate is the only way forward. 'Decent' people don't lie and fuck around.

AnotherPoxyName · 17/06/2024 13:17

Janiie · 17/06/2024 11:41

'As far as DH, I rather think he actually very decent'

No, he isn't decent at all. He a cheating, lying arsehole. The last 10 years have been full of lies and deceit.

Again, I don't support sexless relationships at all as one party will invariably stray so people need to talk to each other and tell each other how they feel. The op had no idea it was a problem. Yes, she could've guessed as most couples do indeed have some form of intimacy. The pair of them have stuck their heads in the sand.

A mutually consensual open relationship or separate is the only way forward. 'Decent' people don't lie and fuck around.

I completely disagree. He has been extremely discreet, clear with his sexual partners and hasn’t been lying for any reason other than he doesn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings. It is not her fault sex has stopped, I feel he has tried to stop her carrying guilt or feeling pain about his intimate needs.

I speak as someone who doesn’t condone affairs or cheating. I think this is such a sad situation. So much so I even told my husband about this thread and he even said ‘oh bless her, that’s so sad’. We have a relative with MS. It takes away so much.

WhileIBreathIHope · 17/06/2024 13:36

I’m so sorry, OP, you do not deserve this.

Perhaps the end of your sexual relationship should have been discussed, but that is equally his issue so he too could have raised it. Particularly as it was him who found it problematic.

The fact is, as he described to the woman on the app, these relationships are not just sex. For me, that might have been easier to deal with. He describes that he has loved these women. He has conducted affairs, not just sought out sex. Why? Honestly, describing his disabled wife and his ‘commitment’ to her actually sounds like a bit of a line, given the circumstances.

Janiie · 17/06/2024 14:09

'completely disagree. He has been extremely discreet, clear with his sexual partners and hasn’t been lying for any reason other than he doesn’t want to hurt his wife’s feelings'

Yes he has been a very thorough liar/extremely discreet I agree but he has hurt his wife's feelings terribly because she has found out! He should have discussed this 10yrs ago and allowed her to have an opinion on an open marriage. He's been having a lovely time hasn't he.

AM130674 · 17/06/2024 14:17

WhileIBreathIHope · 17/06/2024 13:36

I’m so sorry, OP, you do not deserve this.

Perhaps the end of your sexual relationship should have been discussed, but that is equally his issue so he too could have raised it. Particularly as it was him who found it problematic.

The fact is, as he described to the woman on the app, these relationships are not just sex. For me, that might have been easier to deal with. He describes that he has loved these women. He has conducted affairs, not just sought out sex. Why? Honestly, describing his disabled wife and his ‘commitment’ to her actually sounds like a bit of a line, given the circumstances.

Edited

I completely agree with this. This isn't just about sex. He has told someone he had a 5-year affair? That's a relationship. He has admitted he has loved these women, for me this would be the biggest betrayal. This isn't a man who is making up for the lack of sex in his marriage, he is having affairs and using OP's disability as a reason for not leaving and/or committing to any of them.

Nonewclothes2024 · 17/06/2024 14:21

You can't have sex with him , he's going to get it elsewhere
My only worry would be if he found someone else and fell in love.

Greatmate · 17/06/2024 14:37

I think you need to do some information gathering. You need to regain your power and take control. I think you should see a solicitor. I also think you should talk to CAB or MS support maybe the cound discuss what support would be available to you should you choose to leave or at least signpost you in the right direction to find out. At least then you'd know what resources are available to you should you choose to leave or he decides to go.

www.mssociety.org.uk/support-and-community