Multiple affairs, MS and what to do next….?

[64scared]

I am nearly 60. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 40 years. We have two kids in their thirties. Our marriage has, I thought, been pretty good, though I was diagnosed with MS at 27 and my health has not been amazing. We had an intimate sex life until twenty years ago. My illness then just made it the last thing on my mind. We never really discussed it and that side of things faded away…

DH has been the provider our whole married lives, or since I was diagnosed anyway. He owns his own business and works hard, and this involves regular travel. When at home he is fully present and I’ve never doubted his commitment to me. Until now.

We have never hidden phones from each other. We go in each others WhatsApp’s for various reasons. Then last weekend I was using his phone and discovered an app called telegram which he had open. He had a conversation open and I flicked through… increasingly in horror.

He was describing to a woman his cheating history. This spans ten years and has ranged from a few months to apparently five years. He set out how he has loved these women but will never leave me as I need him and he is committed to me. He has used work travel as a cover and managed to run these relationships without me ever suspecting a thing.

I feel strangely calm and haven’t said anything but what the fuck to do. If I were to raise it I don’t know what I’d be asking for. My home life is happy and this has been happening for ten years without any impact on me. He has set out to this new prospect that this will continue and I am torn between wanting to go ape shit and wanting to turn a blind eye.

what do you think? He is my carer. I can’t live independently. I have no income. And he’s made it clear he will never leave me. I feel betrayed but I also know that it probably wasn’t great to expect him to live without sex forever more.

I just want to go back to a world where I didn’t open his bloody app…

TBH I think that it's probably best that you come to terms with the knowledge and then leave it be. Your DH is caring for you and providing the environment that you need. With hindsight it was not realistic to expect him to give up on the physical side of life but he's committed to you and the family so perhaps it's not an unreasonable compromise to make. Life with MS is so difficult even with the support of a partner. I really do feel for you but give yourself time.

This is awful Op. I'm not sure you can unsee this and I just think i couldn't bear someone to be with me because of pity but you seem to be taking a more practical approach which is ts a bad thing.
Chances are that his interest jin sex may start to wane too as he gets older. I think if you tell him you know but are choosing to stay with him so he can care for you, you run a real risk of him walking away because that's not something anyone wants to believe about their relationship.
I'm sorry op. It's just rubbish for both of ye.

Thank you all.. I suppose I might have been a bit naive about the sex thing. So many of my female friends report a slowing down and cessation of sex post menopause. When we married for better or worse I didn’t expect this. If he had some manner of illness that had killed his sex drive I think I would have been ok with that. I really didn’t think of marriage as a list of things that, if the spouse didn’t provide, you would go elsewhere.

I'm not really sure what the women get out of it - I wouldn't like to sleep with someone who had an incapacitated wife at home.

Anyway that's just an aside, hope you can talk it over with a friend @64scared and gain more clarity about how you feel and what you want to do (if anything).

So sorry op this is awful. Please don't feel trapped though, if you did separate you'd of course be entitled to half the house and with pip, esa etc and housing benefit you may be ok?

Alternatively if you want to stay have an honest talk, say you've found out what a cheat he is and see what he says. Perhaps suggest you both have affairs and see how he likes it (even if you've no intention! ). The resentment may absolutely crush you if you don't talk to him. How dare he treat you like this! As a sexless relationship was a problem he should discussed it with you and said that either you reconnect as much as your illness allows, separate or have an open relationship. Lies and deceit are not ok.

Agree with @CalicoPusscat these desperate people that have sex wirh married people are pathetic.

With due respect OP this was not a slowdown post menopause.

You stoped being intimidate with him 20 years ago - late 30's/early 40's based on your post.

I appreciate your ill health has been a significant factor.

But ultimately yes, to a degree marriage is the meeting of multiple needs and expectations. A checklist of sorts and when/if that changes (especially something very significant and long term) people will re-evaluate.

We live one life and expecting someone to spend well over half their adult life without sex when intimacy was an important part of the relationship at the start is not something to be expected.

Some people do this of course but I doubt this is very many people at the ages in your situation.

Kindly I think you have had your head in the sand but you are not the first person to have done so.

Your choice now is if you want to bring this into the open and what you want to achieve by doing so?

Do you want to divorce? Stay together but him to stop? Work on reclaiming your sex life as a couple?

Realistically you already know he is not willing to live without sex. So can you forgive what you know? Can you live with it? Can you change?

It's a lot to consider and I would want to take time to process this before deciding next steps.

I wouldn't tell him I knew, I would however use my new found knowledge to get myself into a better position. I would seek legal advice to find out what I would be left with in the case of a divorce, I would be strengthening my support network and be preparing for the eventuality that one day he might meet someone that he feels is worth ending the marriage for.

I know many people say "turn a blind eye" but this would eat away at me I think, I would always be wondering what he was telling me was true or not, what kindness was genuine or was a front to appear "caring", I would become very cynical of everything he said or did and that resentment would kill whatever love I had left for him.

I have know several women that when they become ill the husband cheated, funnily enough when a husband becomes ill the wife is too stretch with everything she has to do to have time for cheating.

I wish you well OP, I hope whatever you decide that it works out for you.

On a practical level how do you manage when he’s away? He’s your carer but he travels a lot so there must be some sort of back up to help you when he’s not there.

If you decide the marriage is over for you with this new knowledge could that provide an alternative day-to-day?

Sadly this, re your thoughts here op If we divorced I would presumably get half of assets but I can’t imagine he would be expected to provide me with an income and / or a carer. I feel completely stuck…. I'm absolutely sorry he wouldn't, do you claim pip or any other benefits at the moment? You could start here.

And that is understandinable but alway let the person know you are cheating. Let them know and see if they love you enough to let it carry on.

I'm not a fan on sexless relationships as there is always one person cheating. Rarely, if ever, are both parties happy with the situation but lies are just not ok.

People should have honest discussions about consensual open relationships or separating.

I don’t understand? Can you explain what you think marriage is?

You think you would have been ok, because you are ok without sex.

If one partner in a relationship decides to withhold intimacy without a discussion and consideration towards the other partner then what do they expect.

Your dh should have communicated how he felt but as you’re unwell perhaps felt he didn’t want to press the issue.

You either carry on as before or finally communicate your wants and needs to each other with a view to a mutually acceptable resolution.

@DoreenonTill8 I'd completely forgotten that, yes OP could start a claim for PIP immediately. Not sure if you can do this online or request a form.

Are you listening @64scared?? Whatever else you do, do this. What happens with money at present, does he give you an allowance? Hope you are set up with Internet banking.

This is extremely common. The bread and butter of married people's dating sites are middle aged men whose wives have stopped having sex with them.

That doesn't make it any less painful for you.

Hope you reach a decision you can come to peace with.

OK so PIP new claims is 0800 917 2222. Phone them tomorrow and ask for a form to complete.

I’ve missed key info…. I’ve focused on my physical health but should also mention my mental. It’s disintegrated to the point I’ve been sectioned before. It’s the combination of the physical and mental that have prevented me working and for being so dependant on him.

Quite a few saying what did I expect. I didn’t expect this. I hadn’t really thought of sex as a need as such. When we used to have sex I saw it as something I liked doing but I could always take it or leave it….

With respect Op. I think that you have ( understandably) been focused on your own needs.
You said that when it comes to sex you could either ‘take it or leave it’.
Have you ever asked your husband if he could do the same?

No one deserves this.

Your friend had MS and didn't disclose this to her husband until after they got married?

I would have divorced someone as well. For being so deceptive.

How can you hate yourself from the guilt and be a much happier person all at the same time? Your marriage is a sham based on lies. Tell your husband the truth before he finds out in some awful way like the OP has and let him make an informed decision as to whether he's happy to continue in the marriage.

Honestly your betrayal and deceit makes me sick. Do you think you're doing him a favour by staying? If not then why are you staying if you're so unhappy? Show the poor man some respect.

No one has to stay in a sexless marriage, but lack of sex doesn't give you carte blanche to go off and shag anything else you like. Vile.

Yes ok but what is the point you are trying to make. The OP isn't asking why he had affairs. She is asking for support in knowing what to do.

Everyone's different and has different libidos.

Many men would struggle to be forced into celibacy at such a young age. Especially when the OP admits she didn't discuss anything. She just stopped. The lack of communication about it would have been awful as it suggests no thought or care

The alternative would be that he left. This would nit have served anyone well either.

I think it's harsh demonising a man for seeking intimacy elsewhere after a decade of none.

@Arielsmummy Personally I’m uber monogamous but I think that was a very brave post 🥰

I’m sorry to hear of your predicament. You are being very pragmatic about it so I’m not sure what I could offer to your thoughts. But may I ask how you think you’ll feel next time he’s goes ‘travelling for work’? If you think the marriage could handle it then could you see a situation in which you let him know that you know and that you appreciate certain needs have to be met occasionally?
Not to ok it as such, but just so there isn’t this big unspoken secret between you.