Multiple affairs, MS and what to do next….?

[64scared]

I am nearly 60. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 40 years. We have two kids in their thirties. Our marriage has, I thought, been pretty good, though I was diagnosed with MS at 27 and my health has not been amazing. We had an intimate sex life until twenty years ago. My illness then just made it the last thing on my mind. We never really discussed it and that side of things faded away…

DH has been the provider our whole married lives, or since I was diagnosed anyway. He owns his own business and works hard, and this involves regular travel. When at home he is fully present and I’ve never doubted his commitment to me. Until now.

We have never hidden phones from each other. We go in each others WhatsApp’s for various reasons. Then last weekend I was using his phone and discovered an app called telegram which he had open. He had a conversation open and I flicked through… increasingly in horror.

He was describing to a woman his cheating history. This spans ten years and has ranged from a few months to apparently five years. He set out how he has loved these women but will never leave me as I need him and he is committed to me. He has used work travel as a cover and managed to run these relationships without me ever suspecting a thing.

I feel strangely calm and haven’t said anything but what the fuck to do. If I were to raise it I don’t know what I’d be asking for. My home life is happy and this has been happening for ten years without any impact on me. He has set out to this new prospect that this will continue and I am torn between wanting to go ape shit and wanting to turn a blind eye.

what do you think? He is my carer. I can’t live independently. I have no income. And he’s made it clear he will never leave me. I feel betrayed but I also know that it probably wasn’t great to expect him to live without sex forever more.

I just want to go back to a world where I didn’t open his bloody app…

Of course is a contract of sorts and that means some sort of commitment to various things.
Kindness and affection for example. If one person just stopped being kind or affectionate would you expect the other to carry on? Many people feel the same way about intimacy.
Slowing down is not the same as unilaterally and without even communicating, deciding the relationship is now celibate.

I think ultimately he sounds like a good man and had you not seen what you saw you would be none the wiser as he obviously has never given you cause to doubt him over many years, but has in fact shown a lot of care to you.

He was a young man in his prime when your/ his sex life ended on your terms.
Despite 'death do us part' a marriage is conditional and sex is vital in most marriages, cliche i know but i do believe it is the glue that keeps your bond tight, if there has been a time in my healthy marriage when we have not had sex as frequent i can feel a very slight distance come between us , it is very important for both of us to make time for each other.
I absolutely will not ever tolerate a betrayal from my husband he wouldn't either but that is under normal circumstances , i think in your situation i would try to find a way to compartmentalise your husbands 'affairs ' you say you have never doubted his commitment to you ,i don't doubt that from how you describe him.
I am sorry you are in this mess and i hope you find a way to live with or without him.

What do you want OP? Can you live your current life knowing that he is having these affairs? He sounds like he has been a good husband and supported you through multiple crisises. In your situation, I would be grateful that he has stayed with me and not want to rock the boat but you might not be able to continue with the knowledge. If you do split up, how would you manage without his help? Will half of perhaps more of your assets be enough to allow you to live a decent quality of life.

@Sue152
I think you will find many partners in the situation you have so harshly judged would rather not know.

Like the OP, they don't want to split. They don't want to be disabled, in pain and alone

You speak from a position of extreme privilege

@Arielsmummy brave post. No judgment from me. It’s easy to judge when you have never been in that position.

I think this is a very brave post and that no one can judge unless they've been in your position . To live a live without intimacy much be very very difficult.

I’m so sad for you OP, what a hard situation to be in. I think now that you know this it’s impossible to keep quiet. But saying that, as others have said, please take some time to think about what you want moving forward. You are within your rights to not want him to continue with affairs but you need to have a think in the fullest possible way of what you would accept moving forward.

Me and my husband haven't had intercourse for 10 years because of my disabilities but we are still intimate with each other and love each other very much. We had a really good sex life up until then and he has always insistent that although he misses (as do I) intercourse he's happy as we are.
I don't know if it makes a difference that he's 12 years older than me.
I know he hasn't cheated and never would even if I told him it was OK to do so.
If I were in your position I would have to talk to him.

It isn't brave to admit to having sex wirh multiple others whilst married and yes we can judge.

People can have open relationships or separate. I'm the last person to advocate sexless relationships and to just reject a partner for years thinking it's fine is not ok, illnesses or not, but before anyone fucks around they need to talk to their dp. 'Look having no intimacy is really making me miserable so we can either try to fix that, have an open relationship or separate'.

There shouldn't ever be an option for sneaking about telling lies and meeting others all whilst playing happy families at home.

Clearly you would be in a very difficult position if he were to leave you. Which he mayight well do if you raised the issue.

So I would focus on swallowing hard and learn to live with this difficult situation. Get some counselling, so you can talk it over with someone neutral and without the risk of it getting back to him.

But I'd also look into how you could manage if he were to leave - which is always a risk as he might fall for one of his affair partners, or he might tire of being your carer. Can you buy in support to lessen the burden on him?

I agree, although sorry you've found out. I don't personally think he's done anything wrong which is probably controversial.

OP it sounds like your marriage has lasted through a hell of a lot of challenges. I'd take that to mean he loves you and is committed. Sure he wants sex from somewhere else, but he's not telling these other women that he's going to leave you to be with them.

Take the relationship for what it is: a meeting of minds, a partnership, a deep and lasting friendship. It's not centered around sexual attraction and lust and that's ok.

Obviously it's up to you to decide your own boundaries but in your place I'd turn a blind eye. In some ways, you've not learned anything worthwhile. You already knew he was content to be in a sexless marriage with you. You just now know he was getting it elsewhere.

I'm so sorry OP.

Regardless of what you decide about the cheating, it's highlighted how vulnerable you are.

He could meet 'the one' and leave at any time, he could also become incapacitated (or worse) himself at any time, and be unable to care and provide for you. I think it's very important that you have a firm plan in place for your independence.

At the very least, that will give you options and you won't feel so trapped.

In your position I’d turn a blind eye. I’m not saying that this is the right thing to do. I’m saying what I’d do.

But I’d also quietly take legal advice about what I might be entitled to in the event of divorce, just in case he fell in love with someone and decided to be with her. I’d also speak to CAB about benefits entitlement (maybe wait for the general election to take place in case relevant changes are made by the new gov). I suspect you won’t need this info but knowing it might provide some reassurance and clarity.

In summary, it would be head over heart for me in your shoes.

Don’t feel guilty about taking steps to clarify your financial future. Your husband is dealing with things in a way that suits him, after all.

OP I think you should be practical and consider what benefits are available to you - do you claim nothing at all at the moment?

Personally I'd be inclined to say nothing if I wanted the relationship to continue and only raise it if I wanted to divorce.

if your husband finds out you know will your marriage survive?

Even harder when you have M.S. Life is very difficult for someone with this god awful disease, believe me I know, I’ve suffered with it for 22 years. I’ve had ups and downs with my husband, he had an affair and that was down to lack of communication. Intimacy wasn’t high on my agenda, when you’re in constant physical and mental pain it’s hard to factor in other people’s needs.

I was in such a quandary, do I leave or try again. He was so sorry, and regretted it, we are now stronger as a couple. In fact once it was all out in the open we had some blazing arguments, got all the festering shit off our chests instead of tip toeing around each other. I like you found out by accident, but I couldn’t let it eat away at me, I knew it wouldn’t be healthy for me.

Whatever you decide is no one else’s business, life is particularly difficult living with M.S, and you need to do what the right thing is for YOU.

Be careful as you know the mental anguish will also cause physical exhaustion , I wish you all the best, take care and look after yourself.

I think I agree with this. The alternatives are either leave. Or stay but have the truth. Neither of those two options are good.

You have assumed your needs are the same as your spouse's. It's clear that's not been the case.

I can understand why you chose not to talk to him about this to a degree, because not only were you happy in a sexless marriage opening up that box was a minefield as you are now discovering - in your case with no benefit because you were happy with the status quo.

In his case from the updates you have posted, he's been a caring and supportive partner whilst you have navigated poor physical and mental heath. Presumably holding the family together caring for you and your children physically, emotionally and financially.

You've been through a lot and so has he.

He could have sought your permission, but perhaps he was worried about your mental health and making things worse. He didn't want to leave, didn't want to hurt you but was unwilling to live a sexless life.

People's opinions will vary as to if he did the right thing. He probably thinks he made a choice that was not ideal but enabled your marriage to survive - something that was in your best interests.

But now you do know. That might alter his perspective on your marriage as much as it has on yours if you tell him.

You may think the ball is all in your court here and as far as telling him or now what you have found out that is true.

Beyond that less so. Going on his "work trips" isn't going to be quite as easy if he is aware you know what he's up to, even if you've given permission. It's one thing doing what he has thinking he's protecting from being hurt and quite another doing this when he knows you are upset even if you allow it.

It's very very difficult and as per my previous post I think you have to decide if you want to stay married or not and if you do can you really pretend you don't know? - that's one hell of a poker face you'll have to adopt every work trip.

It's a very difficult situation for you now but the fact is that you have had a really good marriage and he has been a very good husband. He's not seeing people while he's living with you, he's not going out at night and coming back in the early hours. He's not making excuses or lying to you or gaslighting you. What he's doing is trying to cope with being a carer and not being a romantic partner to his wife.

He has behaved much much better than an awful lot of people. He has had to give up so much and he's organised his life so that he can have some kind of romantic life as well as look after you.

I wouldn't mention it to him. If he's in his 60s now then it's likely that he will retire in a few years and won't have the opportunity to have that separate life. If you do separate both of you will lose out financially. you have a very good friendship. You have a very good family and married life. I have never said this on here before but I would shut that phone and never look at it again.

I thought the same.

I don't think it is ever ok to take away someone's right to decide if they want to be in a non-monogamous relationship. No matter how he dresses it up, he made that decision for you because he wanted to.

I don't know where you can go from here. 10 years ago you might have been better able to leave this relationship, but sadly you'll never know now because he stole any possibility of that from you with lies.

@64scared

I think in your situation, as PPs have said, I'd say nothing. He supports you financially, is your carer, and I assume treats you kindly and with respect. You provide him with companionship and I assume some of the usual domestic comforts as you are able, so it's not a 'one sided' arrangement with you deriving all the benefit. He has a comfortable home and someone in it to chat with, watch telly with, etc. I'm not condoning his cheating, it's wrong, but you have to weigh the benefits you are receiving now from what your life might be if you were to confront him.

What I would do would be to work on myself until I was 'emotionally divorced' from the marriage and could look on our situation as a 'marriage of convenience'. Because it sounds as if it is 'convenient' for both of you. You receive the care you need, he has a reason to give an OW for not leaving.

But the main thing is to remember that you don't need to do anything right now. You have plenty of time to let this information digest and to think things through. So keep quiet for now, and think things through.

Personally I don't think it's admirable when people stay in these situations playing the martyr acting like they have to stay for the other person.

If the other person is unwell they're still a person with their own wants/needs/thoughts and feelings and they should have a say in it.

100% agree with this PP