I really don't like her..!

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

I've name changed for this because I have no idea if she uses this site (probably not!) and I would rather she wasn't able to recognise herself because I'm not actually a twat!

I'm just having a rant really because there's nothing else I can do about it.

I really, really don't like my partner's son's girlfriend. He and I have been together for 3 years and engaged for a few months. He has two adult children (as do i) who I really like and get on with well. His daughters partner of 5 years is lovely but his son's girlfriend of around 2 years is just someone I can't abide. For many reasons.

The problem is that he is very close to his children (well that's not the problem!) and we've been away for weekends all together, meals, nights out etc and she always comes. Of course she does - she's his son's girlfriend.

The main problem is this. I really can't stand being around her every time we see his kids and I don't want to go if she's there. The last couple of times something with his kids has been suggested, I've not gone because I don't want to spend time in her company.

I know that realistically I have no control in any of this and other than avoid going out with him and his kids there's nothing I can do.

But, God, she irritates me!

I usually just avoid people I don't like. How do other people do it?!

I’d be doing some inner work on myself and figuring out why she triggers me and working on me to change that.
Quite simply, it’s your problem to fix, not hers.

You haven't even said what it is about her that irritates you.

Great post
Give the young lady a chance, have an open mind, embrace the fact that she loves your family. Trsut me, getting people like your sons partner is a are commodity!!

Possibly writ down the reasons you don't like her, then the positive, EG how she loves your son/family, looks good, educated, great job, joins in family fun/etc/etc

Then ask yourself, why you are feeling behaving like this and change your attidue!!

You haven't said why you don't like her.

What’s the issue with her? Why does she irritate you? Perfect chance for some self reflection and new strategies

Why don’t you like her?

Hey. I think it’s good that you haven’t posted specifics. You haven’t come here to slag her off.

I think just see spending time with her as a way you show love to your OH.

What is it about her that pushes your buttons?

I haven't. And the comments so far are fair enough!

The reasons I don't like her.

Well, the only one to do with me is that I've caught her 'side eyeing me (as the kids would say!) Which is unpleasant. She's never said anything to me and we're civilly pleasant to each other. And I'm aware I'm far older than her and old enough to know better...

But the main reason is I don't like the way she speaks to/about his son. Its hard ro explain. I think she looks down on him and considers herself to be better than him. She's more highly educated than him and more intelligent than him and I think she manipulates him a little. There's a degree of micromanagement that goes on with an undertone of "stupid man, would be nothing without me." She thinks nothing of relaying embarrassing things he's done or exposing him for mistakes he's made. When he would never do that to her.

She's open about being a bit insecure and having self esteem issues and I think it makes her feel better about herself that she can make him look silly. In a nutshell.

She obviously has good qualities. I just don't see them!

I doubt she cares what you think of her, grow up

What does the sister and dad think? Have they noticed?

I think you just have to try and rub along.

Oh and she's always conplaining about him. They've split up (at her instigation) a few times over the 2 years they've been together.

The last time we went away together, I went to bed early. I got up to go to the loo and she and my partner were sitting outside talking. She was complaining about him to his dad. Again.

I never said she did care! I don't like her and that's a valid feeling on its own.

You sound paranoid. And you need to make an effort to get on with your daughter-in-law.

Maybe you are too alike OP.
You complain she’s judgemental and so are you

Well I spoke to my partner about it. He'd noticed but sees it as just two young people navigating a relationship.

I wouldn't talk to his daughter about it. It wouldn't be appropriate. She's not said anything directly but I think she'll have noticed. She's very protective over her family.

The main thing is I don't want to be around her when she's criticising him. Some of the things she says about him are funny but She's not really telling them for comedic effect. They're not said with genuine affection more a 'see what I have to put up with' tone.

That's probably a fair point.

I tend to take a dislike to people who will run others down in public for laughs though.

Paranoid because I don't like the fact she openly criticises her partner?

I think her dislike of me is because she and I are quite similar in some ways and she can see it - or sees that I see it.

She also works with vulnerable people and speaks about them quite disrespectfully. No affection there either.

I dislike people who conduct themselves in ways infidn distasteful, yes. But I don't mock people for who they are or things they've done that should remain private. Which she does.

It's nice that you obviously care about your step son so much but I agree with your partner, you have to just let them find their way and figure out if they will put up with certain behaviours.

Can you not just tune her put when she's around?

You don't need to like her. But if I were you I'd try to find some sort of common ground. Maybe she isn't happy in her relationship, maybe she's not a nice partner, but maybe neither is your stepson, or maybe they're blissfully happy.
She may well have redeeming features you're unaware of. Most people do, there's no need to try and be best mates. I'd find things easier if I made myself see her in a less negative light though.

I think you're getting a bit of a rough time. It does sound like she has some not so nice qualities. And it's hard when you start noticing them as they then start coming with a blaring siren to you, even if not to others.

What would she do if you commented "that's not very nice" "that's a little bit disrespectful" or some such. I've definitely called out people in a very calm measured way before when needed and it's normally stopped it a bit.

Yes, you're right.

I'll be honest. I do have a great deal of affection for him. He's a bit of a doofus at times and some of her criticisms of him are valid!

He's also makes some life choices that I wouldn't want in a partner for my own daughter. So I'm certainly not viewing him through rose tinted glasses.

But I don't think that humiliating him in front of his family or micromanaging him because he can't be trusted not to fuck things up (in her eyes) is appropriate.

There's an element of disingenuousness about her.

She just sets my spidey senses a tingling really.

If they keep breaking up, don't say anything. It doesn't sound like they'll last the distance.

Your first paragraph is spot on.

I've not said anything so far because I don't feel it's my place. But I probably should.

I do get this. I really struggled with one of my stepsons partners she was rude and always created an atmosphere. We just bit our tongues and 2 years on they have now split. It can be very difficult but best not to comment in general and let them come to their own conclusions - God help me when my own son starts dating!!