I really don't like her..!

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

I've name changed for this because I have no idea if she uses this site (probably not!) and I would rather she wasn't able to recognise herself because I'm not actually a twat!

I'm just having a rant really because there's nothing else I can do about it.

I really, really don't like my partner's son's girlfriend. He and I have been together for 3 years and engaged for a few months. He has two adult children (as do i) who I really like and get on with well. His daughters partner of 5 years is lovely but his son's girlfriend of around 2 years is just someone I can't abide. For many reasons.

The problem is that he is very close to his children (well that's not the problem!) and we've been away for weekends all together, meals, nights out etc and she always comes. Of course she does - she's his son's girlfriend.

The main problem is this. I really can't stand being around her every time we see his kids and I don't want to go if she's there. The last couple of times something with his kids has been suggested, I've not gone because I don't want to spend time in her company.

I know that realistically I have no control in any of this and other than avoid going out with him and his kids there's nothing I can do.

But, God, she irritates me!

I usually just avoid people I don't like. How do other people do it?!

I would call her out on her disparaging remarks every single time, immediately, in front of whoever is there. I could never just sit there and listen to her bully him, because that's exactly what she's doing.

In your position I would think of him as my son and I would say the same thing to her that I would say to anyone who was critical of him.

If you have a good relationship with him is there any way you could take him to one side and say you know I think you deserve a lot more than this. She's not very nice to you and you don't have to put up with this.

Every story she tells either abut something at work or about him is done with sneering disgust and has an undertone of "see what I have to put up with; how good am I for putting up with this/what would happen without me to sort things out?"

I haven't felt it's my place to challenge any of it so far but I don't want to hear it even if no one else cares. Which is why I've just started staying away.

It just makes me really uncomfortable that she criticises people who either don't realise what shes doing who have no means of defending themselves.

His discomfort is palpable when she criticises him. He laughs along but is clearly embarrassed.

But the main reason is I don't like the way she speaks to/about his son. Its hard ro explain. I think she looks down on him and considers herself to be better than him. She's more highly educated than him and more intelligent than him and I think she manipulates him a little. There's a degree of micromanagement that goes on with an undertone of "stupid man, would be nothing without me." She thinks nothing of relaying embarrassing things he's done or exposing him for mistakes he's made. When he would never do that to her

I understand what you are saying. I find it very uncomfortable when I'm with a couple and one of them seems to be purposely embarrassing the other. It's mean and it's rude.

That said, your partner's son is an adult and needs to deal with his girlfriend himself. Perhaps her behaviour doesn't bother him, who knows? Not for you to sort out.

Next time she launches into some story meant to embarrass him, you could say something along the lines of "Oh my, I hope no-one is keeping track of the embarrassing things I do!" - which might deflate her a bit.

But mostly I agree with your partner that they are two young people figuring out their relationship. You don't have to like her, just tolerate her on social occasions. I don't recommend avoiding events because she'll be there; that's bound to impact your relationship with your partner.

She's abusive. If it was a man doing that to a woman, there would be uproar here. I would call her out every time.

I would also start talking about red flags, and how to spot them. It's always good to know about that and it looks like no one is paying attention.

I haven't felt it's my place to challenge any of it so far but I don't want to hear it even if no one else cares.

Of course it's your place. This young man is your friend, soon to be your stepson. You really let people talk about your friends like this, and in front of you?! That's baffling to me. The reason shit people like this girlfriend keep being shit people is because people just sit there like lemons and allow them to get away with being bullies.

If someone says something in your presence, you have every right to comment on it.

I think you are over thinking it possibly?

You aren't required to live with her, or to spend extended time with her one on one.

The family meet ups, holidays etc are in a large enough group that her company is diluted.

I think it's perfectly possible to still enjoy family events of that size without liking everyone there.

My ex had four adults kids. When we spent time as an extended family (which did include big family holiday sometimes) most or all of them would be there, plus whatever partners they had at the time, plus his ex their mom (nice person) plus my kid - you get the picture. I actively disliked one of his kids quite a lot, but I didn't sweat it - there were lots of other people to talk to.

I think the more you dwell on it the more importance it will assume. They may break up quite soon anyway - they have already split up a few times. Just don't worry about it!

I also think you can say something to politely call her out, or just say you don’t like hearing x. She should hopefully learn to tone it down.

The main thing is I don't want to be around her when she's criticising him.

Can you defend - very mildly and in a light tone, but you know, something like “Ohh don’t be so tough on him. He’s lovely!” (Or whatever)

I do think the advice to have a think about what it is about her that triggers you. This doesn’t mean you’re a fallible or nasty person. In fact, posting about it here to try to sort out your feelings suggests you’re thoughtful and careful.

I also think there’s a lot to be said for smiling and nodding and not really listening to someone who’s being not very nice.

I get that but his dad and sister 'outrank' me and, tbh, it's only really since she started this job where she speaks equally disparagingly about the service users that I've really tuned into it myself.

She is kind and generous in many ways. She's fun. She's not sitting there all po faced just making unpleasant comments about everyone. But the comments she makes are unpleasant.

I will have to say something.

That's pretty much what I do doo.

But I don't like to be around it. I don't like listening to people speak about others that way. I don't see it as 'entertainment'.

That's my personal preference. I don't have friends who speak like that about other people.

I obviously have friends who might have private 'get this off my chest' moment. As do I. But this isn't that.

If someone I met did this, I'd phase them out. I wouldn't find ways of tolerating it. Obviously I have no way of phasing her out so not having any contact with her seems easier.

She sounds like an arse op. I'm not sure I would directly challenge it when she puts him down but I might slip in a lot of bigging him up when she's around. Don't lay it on thick but just let her know that you're on his side always and that you think he's great and she's lucky to have him (in a nice way).

Yeah this isn’t on. What she is doing is creating a relationship with his dad beyond the relationship she has with her boyfriend. She’s putting his dad in an awkward position and your DP needs to step back and get some boundaries. She should not be having private conversations with his dad about him as I’d bet my house on it she will say ‘see even your dad agrees!’ if they are arguing.

Its manipulation.

Avoid her OP.

Thank you and that's true.

I have a very small family and simply zero experience of navigating family stuff in this way!

That's actually a good point. If it was your SDD being put down in front of you all by a partner, people on this thread would not be advising you to think positively about him. They'd be telling you to let her know that this isn't right.

You'd need to tread carefully, but is there anything you can come back with when she next mocks him? Or can you ask him privately how he feels, because you've been feeling awkward when she says these things, and get the impression that he feels that way too.

I don't think you sound at all paranoid, actually quite cool headed and observant.

There's a couple I'm friends with, and she is always belittling him - their kids pick up on it and do it too.

But even though I've expressed my sympathy and concern, quietly, to the man in the couple, he rejects any suggestion that it's a problem. It makes me uncomfortable to hear it but he is ok.

I think all you can do is observe and support your partner's son and privately indulge your own dislike of her! Maybe it will end at some point but you have no power here.

... And yep, your partner shouldn't be letting her moan to him about his own son. Certainly not regularly.

She sounds as if she has quite low self esteem.

I think that your stepson will tire of her behaviour eventually. Hopefully his friends have noticed it and will have some influence.

Do you think she’s got a crush on your partner? Getting him on his own to bitch about her relationship could indicate this.

I think he'd reject any suggestion there was a problem too. Or say he deserves it.

Like I say, some of the things she says aren't wrong! But it's just not stuff she should be sharing with his family.

@Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I can see you have your reasons. But frankly it's his choice, and behind closed doors they're probably happy. If he was being controlled or abused I hope he feels he could confide in you? Without you saying 'i told you so'? Otherwise just know she's not your type of person. We don't need to like everyone.

I agree about the low self esteem.

I did wonder when we were away camping whether she had a bit of a crush on him. I'd gone to bed early, the four of the stayed out. He'd said he was coming back to me and she said she'd come with him. She started talking to him about it on the way back and continued outside when they got back to the tents.

He's very loving and respectful towards me and is older and more mature. Personality wise, he and his son are very similar - he's just a grown up mature version of it! So it wouldn't surprise me. It wouldn't concern me either.

I agree it's inappropriate though. He just sees it as, he knows his son can be a bit of a doofus at times and he's just being supportive of her without judgement.

I'm with your partner here. It sounds as if they're really young. She's a bit insecure by the sounds of it and possibly more so when she's around her bf's family. She may grow out of it.

Being a bit blunt, if you want to ruin your good relationship with you dp's son though, the absolute quickest way to do so is to dislike his gf. Not fair, but true IME!

I've had to do my share of grinning and bearing. Not with a son, but with my dbro. He had some AWFUL gfs who I had to befriend and not get snarky with or about. He is no longer with any of them and I'm still really close to him.

The thing is that if you love and respect someone you need to support their choices (unless truly abusive)

Ah of course he could confide in me. I doubt he would though.

In sure they are happy enough but I don't like it. I don't want to listen to it.

He's an adult and can make his own choices.

They're mid 20s, so yes, quite young but not really young.

I just find her to be unpleasant 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree he can make his own choices but I don't want to spend time with her or listen to it.