I really don't like her..!

[Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

I've name changed for this because I have no idea if she uses this site (probably not!) and I would rather she wasn't able to recognise herself because I'm not actually a twat!

I'm just having a rant really because there's nothing else I can do about it.

I really, really don't like my partner's son's girlfriend. He and I have been together for 3 years and engaged for a few months. He has two adult children (as do i) who I really like and get on with well. His daughters partner of 5 years is lovely but his son's girlfriend of around 2 years is just someone I can't abide. For many reasons.

The problem is that he is very close to his children (well that's not the problem!) and we've been away for weekends all together, meals, nights out etc and she always comes. Of course she does - she's his son's girlfriend.

The main problem is this. I really can't stand being around her every time we see his kids and I don't want to go if she's there. The last couple of times something with his kids has been suggested, I've not gone because I don't want to spend time in her company.

I know that realistically I have no control in any of this and other than avoid going out with him and his kids there's nothing I can do.

But, God, she irritates me!

I usually just avoid people I don't like. How do other people do it?!

The thing is, it doesn't really matter. You're going to be part of the family and family dynamics can be tricky even between people who are blood relatives. You just suck it up and be polite when you meet her.

Exactly. I am the first to admit that the people who really irritate me do so because they remind me of an aspect of myself that I dislike and want to suppress. It’s generally the fact that they don’t suppress it that drives me mad.

Well I don't criticise my partner for laughs or speak disparagingly about the vulnerable people in work with. So, no, it's not that.

Would it be reasonable to just not go to everything?

We don't go ut often but, when we do, it's often for extended periods of time. Days out/weekends away. I can tolerate her for a meal or an hour in the pub.

She also criticises his mum. Now, I'm not her biggest fan but I don't think she should say some of the things she does to me.

And I suppose it boils down to - she criticises him/his mum/the service users to/in front of me/us.

What is she saying about me/us too other people?

That sounds like you read it off a self help Instagram meme.

Imagine internalising other people’s behaviour.

People can be arses for multiple reasons. They see you as a threat, they’ve had a bad day, they are anxious about something else ect.. I work in health care and come across rudeness a lot but 9/10 it’s stemming from anxiety - sometimes they are just dick heads and I can’t help that.

What does he say when she critiques his mum

That’s really sad. Does she manipulate him too? Doesn’t his father notice? If so, would he have a word with her?

She also criticises his mum. Now, I'm not her biggest fan but I don't think she should say some of the things she does to me

When she's speaking to you directly of course you have every right to shut down conversations about your partner's ex! Be polite but firm. You're an adult and don't have to be drawn into conversations that make you uncomfortable.

You've been clear about your reasons for not liking this young woman, which is fair enough. However, it's unreasonable to think that you're going to be able to avoid most family events and not have that impact your relationship with your partner.

Instead of cataloging all the things she says and does that irritate you, why not focus on not allowing her to get under your skin quite so much? All you need to strive for is cordial and polite which should be doable. No need to be a martyr.

Nothing. Because, again, they're valid criticisms.

She's an alcoholic so there's a lot of valid criticisms. I just don't think I should be privy to them.

Notice? I don't know. Care as much as I do, no.

Im quite black and white in my thinking. There are things you do and things you don't do. He's very laid back and a lot more live and let live so he is less bothered by it.

It's a quality of his that I like in some ways, but there are times when I think he should be more assertive and stand up for/topeople more. But that's just personality difference. There's nothing to say I'm right and he's wrong. There are a lot of people like him. And he has more friends and is more likeable than me so it can't be all bad!

Instead of cataloging all the things she says and does that irritate you, why not focus on not allowing her to get under your skin quite so much

That's what I need to do.

Going forward I’d nip talk about the mum in the bud - it must be very hard for the son to hear his mum being talked about. No one should be really bad mouthing mum as she is unwell. So use that - ‘ah I know but she is unwell, not excusing it but there is a reason behind it’… ect.,

Talk you your dh about avoiding private 1-2-1 to complain about son. It’s weird and manipulating.

Tell your DH you absolutely adore his son but can’t stand her and you’re too old to fake it so will be passing on some events

Disingenuous is a very sticky wicket. It can easily pass as banter/ being outgoing or even a good conversationalist but I see it as someone who is a chameleon and changes depending on circumstances and thus doesn’t seem genuine (lol yes of course the very definition). I would try grey rocking her. Be cordial but distant. I would not be the one to correct her behavior or talk. I feel it’s not your role but absolutely watch with intention your dss moods and emotions. I wouldn’t miss events becuse of her but I would be physically as far from her as I could be at each event. Role model supportive loving behavior and talk re:DP for both her and DSS to see. She IS young and hopefully will mature or if shes so great she will
move onto another guy. Empathy and compassion are hard to teach but can be role modeled. And he may get sick of her shit and move on himself and you op will be there to support him 😘

This.
Is she pretty?
I wonder if it's misplaced jealousy of a much younger female?

It's definitely not unheard of, bizarrely enough.

No. I'm not envious of her appearance in any way.

Or in any other way!

People are being rather harsh on you and siding with that heffa your stepson is dating. Even though he may have some issues with maturity, only a heffa would get around her man's family and rag on him, put him down, ridicule him, etc. Why his father allows that mess to go on unchecked is amazing to me. I would not tolerate that nonsense for 5 minutes if it were my son! She knows you are onto her game and not about her foolishness which is why she gives you the side-eye.

What I would like you to do is buck up your courage and be around her a few times. Keep track of the nasty things she says about him. Then the third time or even a few hours into the evening the second time, you are going to unleash on her ass like I would if I were you. I'd say something like this:

"Lassie, I have been noticing that every time you are around (sons name) family, you have only nasty, condescending, put downs to say about him. Just in the last two visits you have said (fill in the things she said here). Your approach is to put him down to try to make yourself look like you are more. It doesn't - it makes you look insecure and disrespectful towards a man you are SUPPOSED to be showing love for. I haven't seen it even once, and I'm wondering seriously why he is wasting his time with you. No woman can love a man she doesn't respect. And nothing about the way you talk to or about (sons name) demonstrates respect. This is the reason I find you annoying and unpleasant to be around and I'm sure I'm not the only one. No one enjoys having you here. Have you ever asked yourself why you behave in such an appalling manner wand what it is you are hoping to accomplish?"

Leave everyone with their mouth hanging open and her face red with embarrassment. She will probably cry - a typical narcissist trick to gain sympathy. If she does that just tell her to shut it down cause nobody cares about her fake tears and to answer your question.

You don't have to like her. Just keep being polite and civil towards her. Whatever issues exist between her and your partners son, aren't for you to fix. Treat her the same as you would a work colleague, for example, who you don't especially like but it's necessary to get along with. Families are tricky at the best of times, I think.

Op, you and that girl are both “outsiders” in that family relationship.

Don’t let anyone know how you feel about her, you may feel protective of your SS but he is NOT your son, if he, his dad, the sister or girlfriend feel you are rejecting her they may all close ranks and dislike YOU as you are trying to control a member of the family and that would be way out of order in most families, especially if they are the kind of close family that meet regularly for lunch.

Stay out of it, you may end up ruining their time together, forcing your partner/step family to take sides and that eventually can lead to you being the one rejected.

No one has to be an insider to refuse to condone someone intentionally bullying and putting down others. I don't care WHO it is, that is not going down in my presence. At work, in public, at businesses, at parties I am the same person and I do not tolerate people being disrespectful towards anyone I know, am related to, or birthed. Not gonna happen on my watch. Just sitting there not saying or doing anything when you see someone being evil is cowardly. Making excuses to tolerate it is also cowardly.

How we are triggered by others is often a response to how they make us feel about ourselves. Change the dynamic up, invite her out for coffee or round for lunch, and actively try to re write the script around your feelings towards her.

If you're telling yourself (and MN!) you don't like her, this will tarnish anything she does good or bad, and it's gonna be an uncomfortable ride for you both as you realistically need to spend time together, so try to make it work!

The problem is that nobody in the family sees the behaviour as bullying. If they are fine with it, and the SS is fine with it, you have to drop it.

Now, if the SS was asking for advice about his relationship, that’s a different thing, but he is not, is he?

It works pretty much the same if it is your own child, the more that you complain about the girlfriend, the more that you push your child away. You don’t want them to get all Romeo and Juliet thinking they need to protect their relationship at all costs, because they will, even if it is a bad one.

@NotAgainWilson on the other side, a person who is abused/bullied is much less likely to come and ask fir help due to the bullying if they have been convinced by said partner that it’s all their fault iyswim.

@Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr this stands out to me
She was complaining about him to his dad. Again.

What is your partner saying to her when she is complaining about him? Does he agree or does have his son’s back?

I think this is a situation where your partner might need to step up much more than he does atm.
For you, I’d see it as a way to show support to your dss. I’d ignore her and her comments. Avoid laughing when she recounts ‘what he did wrong again’ but ensure you are supporting the dss, and boosting HIS self esteem if you can

Op, you and that girl are both “outsiders” in that family relationship.

That's what I'm very much aware of.

Anyway, I've come out this evening with my son. He's been out for the day with his kids for Father's Day and came to join us afterwards. And she turned up.

He said he was a bit surprised about that and I told him what I thought of her.

Turns out he agrees but is aware she's his son's girlfriend and so feels a bit compromised. But he agrees.

Turned up on his day out with his kids. Not tonight!

He also said he doesn't like it when she runs his son down.