Did she say no? Or just answer my question logically?

[Jules981120]

I posted on here before but here's a quick summary / update.

I asked out the receptionist that I've made small talk with a few times. I found out she's a year younger than me, and I don't think she's in a relationship however she does have a ring on her finger and she did mention an ex. But she never explicitly said whether she was in a relationship or not when I mentioned the "wedding ring" on her finger.

I refered to it as a wedding ring to try and see if she was married or in a relationship or not but she just answered my question about the ring and her tattoos and never specified as to her relationship status.

Basically I asked her to lunch but I forgot that when I first walked into the building earlier in the day, she was already eating lunch. And she told me to come back an hour later when my patient would be ready to be seen.

I asked her to lunch and she said "I actually just had lunch, thank you though."

I then was like "oh okay" and I ended the conversation about next week and who would be coming into the building to see the patient I've been coming to see. And like literally within 60 seconds I was out the door after she said she already ate lunch

My question is, although I feel like this is her way of saying "Fuck no, id rather kill myself then go get lunch with you", I'm not sure if she wanted me to push and ask for her number or mention another date and time. Because she never mentioned another date nor time. But she's also at work and I'm not sure if she's just worried about getting in trouble or something with her boss if her boss finds out she agreed to go on a date with me.

I feel like it was just her way of saying "No thank you". I don't think I'll see her next week, which I told her, due to my schedule, but the following weeks I should be able to stop in and see her every once in awhile.

Would it be weird if the next time I see her, I give her a note tht says something along the lines of "Hey I wanted to ask you out, but didn't wanna get you in trouble with work or anything, so heres my number. Either way it's cool". She also mentioned how she gets off at 5:00pm, so if I happen to be in the area, I could just stop by and give her a note myself even if I don't have a patient in the building that day.

I was even thinking if what if next time I see her I "can't find my phone" and I asked her to call me so my phone can ring in my bag. And now I have her number. 😂💀

I know I'm being a smart-ass with that last one but is a note a bad idea?

I don't know if she was just caught off guard or anything since my generation, it's all through dating apps usually, but I don't know it is what it is I guess if anyone has any advice please let me know

Thank you guys

Thoughts?

If she had been interested in you she would have expanded on her comments.

I asked her to lunch and she said "I actually just had lunch, thank you though." Maybe another time.

I refered to it as a wedding ring to try and see if she was married or in a relationship or not but she just answered my question. She would have said if she was single at this point if she wanted to go out with you.

I feel like this is her way of saying "Fuck no, id rather kill myself then go get lunch with you"
Is this how you seriously think or did you just want hordes of women here to massage your ego?

I might be generalizing, but this site is so harsh in comparison to American threads lmfaooo
Which ones are they (websites please - it might help us understand your thinking) , and are they normally full of women or men or equal amount?

PS - she doesn't want to have a date with you.

It might not be a "big decision" for her - she might just not be interested

I’m not scared of men as a general thing, no. But responses I’ve had to turning down down someone, or responding negatively to an advance, have included (a) ‘You’ll never get a man, you fat cunt’ (b) aggressive shouting, and encouraging of other men in their group to join in and (c) a hard blow to the head. I don’t blame any woman for prevaricating. It doesn’t make them ‘quivering’.

Ffs, what a stupid comment. I have never in my 61 years been scared that men will kill me. Or even restricted myself by thinking much about 'male privilege'.

You’re not blunt and straightforward, though. Or you’d have just asked her out properly, without ambiguity, like an adult. Then she’d have said yes or no, and you wouldn’t have needed to make this post.

Holy carp indeed!

OP you sound worryingly stalkerish. If she was interested, her reply would have been something like, "I've just eaten today but Thursday of next week would be good".

In general, women that wear a wedding ring are not available. They wear it to denote that.

The poster said women are scared men will kill them. Not they are prevaricating.

now yes there is some arseholes out there, yes there are some men you should back away from. But I do not go about my days scared men will kill me. No one gets to take away my power like that, simply as I’m a woman, no one gets to portray me like that. And I speak for every woman I know. We are not scared of men, scared they will kill us and I doubt very much this receptionist wasn’t straight with the op as she was scared he would kill her.

it was a ludicrous comment. A copy and paste used in the wrong context/

Suggest you try Ask A Manager if you think this thread is being harsh - you’ll get your arse absolutely handed to you, and that’s an American site. If you are talking about the dating subs on Reddit, you are getting a more sympathetic response there because the audience are a load of inadequate teenage boys who also think that pretending you’ve lost you phone and asking her to ring it in order to get her number is a good idea and not the behaviour of a stalker.

I was asked out and I politely declined and got punched in the face before the last word was out of my mouth.

A lot of women are on high alert when out and about and do have to come up with placatory bullshit rather than tell the truth. We do it to save a dentist bill, a black eye or worse.

I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m sorry if you now spend your days scared men will kill you. But all women do not.

Like I said, I’m not scared men will kill me. I’m a confident, forthright, secure individual with a husband, a son and good male friends. I have also had deeply unpleasant experiences, including sudden violence, when I have turned down men in the past, when an apparently benign exchange suddenly went nasty.

No, there’s no evidence the receptionist is frightened of the OP, but from another thread of his that I remember, he has a tin ear for tone, is bad at picking up subtext, and appears to struggle to understand ‘no’. In his other thread, he explained that he hated the idea of someone he couldn’t ‘have’ being out there, and despite many posters pointing out what a sinister thing that was to think, he then wrote it in a note and sent it to a woman he’d gone on three dates with before she dumped him.

From the evidence of his writing and his own accounts of his behaviour, I’d suspect he’s just dense, rather than dangerous, but this receptionist isn’t to know that, plus he’s someone she needs to see regularly in the course of her job.

And thus I agree with , likely she’s just being polite, doesn’t want to spell it out but it’s the comment that women are scared men will kill them,

there is a time and place for that sort of comment. On this thread the poster got it wrong.

*she does have a ring on her finger and she did mention an ex. But she never explicitly said whether she was in a relationship or not when I mentioned the "wedding ring" on her finger.

I refered to it as a wedding ring to try and see if she was married or in a relationship or not but she just answered my question about the ring and her tattoos and never specified as to her relationship status.

I don't understand why you think she might be single? She's wearing a ring, you referred to it as her wedding ring and she DIDN'T correct you and say "oh no that's not a wedding ring" or anything along those lines?

In her mind, the fact you referred to it as her wedding ring means that you know she's married. She wouldn't feel the need to clarify, because it's obvious.

At no point have I said all women are scared of being killed.

So it's likely that if she wanted a date, she would be able to get your phone number and send a text.

@Treestumpp I really hope you’re joking.

She said No. Leave her alone!!!

I've always turned down lunch invitations/dates from men at work because that's my personal rule. I don't date people from work as I like to keep my personal and professional life separate. I met my dh through friends rather than through work.

So, you’re creeping

Firstly, it's women you're talking about (not girls).

Secondly, you really need to learn to listen to a polite decline, and understand what it means.

A women you don't know does not have to take responsibility for explaining to you she doesn't find you attractive. It's absolutely none of your business, so move along.

wish girls would just say "Hey, I don't wanna be mean, but if you're asking me out, I'm not interested. I'm not attracted to you". Something like that would make things so much simpler lmfao

In a phrase much beloved on MN, women are not emotional support animals for men. Nor are we here to do their thinking for them by making refusals of a date explicit. What do you want, flashcards?

Also - see reasons given above why women won't do that.

Sorry but you sound odd

There is nothing wrong with friendly conversation and it is true that many relationships start when people meet through work. But, and this is a big but....

It really sounds like you need to learn when someone is interested and when they are not. From what you have said, this person is not interested in you beyond some light chat at work. You offered a chance for more with 'fancy lunch' and she said 'no thanks'. Had she wanted to run with it she could have said 'how about next time' She didn't, it's a 'no' move on. Doesn't mean you can't say 'good morning, isn't the weather terrible' but it does mean you can't pester or harass or beg or plead. In fact, if you just remain friendly and non stalky/weird/creepy she will likely think you are a decent bloke. Which again, to be clear, does not mean she will date you, fall in love with you or anything__ like that. She may just think 'OP, nice bloke, not my type but at least he had the decency and smarts to realise I wasn't interested and not make a fucking twat of himself by writing me a fucking stalker 101 letter. Hence I feel safe enough to talk about my rock climbing holiday to him'

Many women think I am a decent bloke and none of them want to date me or think I want to date/sleep with or stalk them. Which is a good thing, because I get to have nice chats about all sorts of things with my colleagues of both sexes and that brightens my work day.

If you think you got the words wrong and you'll charm/seduce/hypnotise her with some new patter, or God forbid, a letter, you are either 14 or you are in need of some friendly advice on how adults think and behave. And by friendly advice I mean some wise friends or family or maybe even a therapist. I do not mean Reddit forums run by 'pick up artists' or other online batshit crazy misogynistic shite. Or even the less obviously batshit stuff like 'ten signs a woman likes me' sites. She touches her hair, she's into you kind of stuff.

I wrote a dumb fucking letter to a girl when I was 18. She was mortified. So was I when she told her friends. Lesson learned.

She said no, leave her alone. Everything you are considering doing is creepy as fuck.

She didn't go into her relationship status when you asked about the ring, because it's not your business. If she was single and wanted you to know that, she would have told you.

While she might have just eaten, if she was interested in seeing you she would have either just gone for coffee or suggest another time. She chose not to do either.

OP if this post is genuine, this woman is just doing her job. You asked her out and she can’t say no thanks, and walk away. She has to keep sitting there. She has to see you again next time you’re in for a client.

So, as politely as she can, she says no thanks. This is always an awkward situation for women because we know it can go badly wrong if we are too direct.

You must now absolutely leave her alone. Your phone idea is creepy. She won’t fall for it. Notes are creepy. Forcing conversations each time you arrive and leave is creepy and an abuse of your relative power in that situation. Women don’t see these things as romantic. Especially from men who don’t even know them as people. These are red flags that can lead to stalker type situations.

She does not owe you any personal information on her marital status. She likely knew you were asking about her wedding ring to confirm it’s a wedding ring. We know the look on men’s faces when they ask these things. Again, snaky and creepy. She didn’t want to discuss her husband or wife with you. It’s none of your business. Plus even when you do tell men (that you are rejecting) that you have a partner, this can still lead to unpleasant comments. Think along the lines of ‘bet he’s not as good as me at x’ etc.

Please now listen to all the women on this thread who are telling you to leave this woman alone. Polite good mornings and goodbyes are all you need from now on if you don’t want her to dread seeing you.