Did she say no? Or just answer my question logically?

[Jules981120]

I posted on here before but here's a quick summary / update.

I asked out the receptionist that I've made small talk with a few times. I found out she's a year younger than me, and I don't think she's in a relationship however she does have a ring on her finger and she did mention an ex. But she never explicitly said whether she was in a relationship or not when I mentioned the "wedding ring" on her finger.

I refered to it as a wedding ring to try and see if she was married or in a relationship or not but she just answered my question about the ring and her tattoos and never specified as to her relationship status.

Basically I asked her to lunch but I forgot that when I first walked into the building earlier in the day, she was already eating lunch. And she told me to come back an hour later when my patient would be ready to be seen.

I asked her to lunch and she said "I actually just had lunch, thank you though."

I then was like "oh okay" and I ended the conversation about next week and who would be coming into the building to see the patient I've been coming to see. And like literally within 60 seconds I was out the door after she said she already ate lunch

My question is, although I feel like this is her way of saying "Fuck no, id rather kill myself then go get lunch with you", I'm not sure if she wanted me to push and ask for her number or mention another date and time. Because she never mentioned another date nor time. But she's also at work and I'm not sure if she's just worried about getting in trouble or something with her boss if her boss finds out she agreed to go on a date with me.

I feel like it was just her way of saying "No thank you". I don't think I'll see her next week, which I told her, due to my schedule, but the following weeks I should be able to stop in and see her every once in awhile.

Would it be weird if the next time I see her, I give her a note tht says something along the lines of "Hey I wanted to ask you out, but didn't wanna get you in trouble with work or anything, so heres my number. Either way it's cool". She also mentioned how she gets off at 5:00pm, so if I happen to be in the area, I could just stop by and give her a note myself even if I don't have a patient in the building that day.

I was even thinking if what if next time I see her I "can't find my phone" and I asked her to call me so my phone can ring in my bag. And now I have her number. 😂💀

I know I'm being a smart-ass with that last one but is a note a bad idea?

I don't know if she was just caught off guard or anything since my generation, it's all through dating apps usually, but I don't know it is what it is I guess if anyone has any advice please let me know

Thank you guys

Thoughts?

"hopefully she changes her mind" definitely sounds like your intention is to keep pushing and your questions about whether you can keep talking to her make it clear too.

Leave her alone, she's not interested. What you're perceiving as uncertainty and lack of action is a NO. She shouldn't have to spell it out, it's you who should work on understanding interpersonal cues.

Wtaf??? Leave her alone she's doing her job and you are harassing her

Don't ask her out again - just yet. Keep chatting and being friendly. You'll get a sense as to whether she gave you the brush off that first time and take your cues from that and convos moving forward.

If nothing else, it's just pleasant chat with someone at work.

She might have genuinely just had lunch and not have time to suggest just coffee. Or she might have been politely declining 'a date'. You just can't tell from that one interaction alone.

Let things develop (or not) naturally. In the meantime, carry on with your life and don't fixate on just this one woman.

Wow so immature OP. You asked, she said no. Now respect that and leave her alone.

she said no, if she was interested she would have said she just ate but would like to have lunch another day
you made it clear that you are interested, you should back off now.

Absolutely do NOT do the phone number thing. It’s creepy and deceitful, and if she has any sense she’d call your phone from the work phone anyway.

"Would it be weird if the next time I see her, I give her a note" - YES

"She also mentioned how she gets off at 5:00pm, so if I happen to be in the area, I could just stop by and give her a note myself even if I don't have a patient in the building that day". PLEASE DON'T DO THIS

"was even thinking if what if next time I see her I "can't find my phone" and I asked her to call me so my phone can ring in my bag. And now I have her number. 😂💀" - WTAF? .....

Dude you really need to take a step back. Imagine a male work colleague behaving exactly like this around you, AFTER you've already turned down their lunch invitation...

If it helps you OP - in summary.

Being vague and anything less than enthusiastically saying yes = NO
Directly saying yes, suggesting other occasions if she can't make the one you offer = YES
Woman will not "say NO" directly especially if they are at work. Because a man might kick off and make trouble for them. Therefore, "not saying YES" = NO.

Do not try and talk to her with a view to changing her mind. You must forget her and move along!

She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to.
If she changes her mind that’s entirely up to her, but if you carry on pushing she definitely won’t - life is not a movie where the creepy coercive guy gets the girl (in a movie written by men who still seem to think this behaviour is ok).

You’re coming across as very intense, which is a red flag to women, it’s not cute or attractive.

I wish girls would just say "Hey, I don't wanna be mean, but if you're asking me out, I'm not interested. I'm not attracted to you". Something like that would make things so much simpler lmfao

When women do this they are at risk of insults (“are you a fucking lesbian?” “well you’re ugly anyway, who’d like you?” “good luck getting any man” are common responses from spurned men) so a gentler brush off - exactly like she’s given you - is far safer.

Leave her alone, work on yourself and calm the fuck down.

You have been told several times, by several different women on this thread to leave this woman alone.

Why are you ignoring that?

You sound like a would be stalker.

No no no no no no no no no no no

Christ, men telling men to read The Game 🙄 - even the author has washed his hands of these books, realising (after they made him millions) how toxic, creepy and manipulative they are.

Why not try considering women to be equal human beings, and listening when they say no? Radical, I know.

She said no. She gave you a clear "soft no". She does not want to go on a date. She is not romantically interested in you. She is open to pleasant chitchat. Nothing more.

Be polite when you see her. But do not take any action whatsoever designed to 'change her mind', and don't ask her out again.

Yup, a lot of men get nasty if you dobthis, and pretend they weren't asking to save their ego.

She's stuck there, at the desk, while you have all the control musing over how many more approaches you're going to make. You're not thinking about her feelings at all. She's not interested. If she were she'd have said 'oh shame, I've had my lunch, let's do that another day though'. Please listen to what everyone is telling you.

Do you know why women are wary of saying this directly?

Men are scared that women will laugh at them.

Women are scared that men will kill them.

Be sensitive to this. Do not plough on using your male privilege.

Good grief, this level of over thinking and some of these responses. She had just had lunch. You saw her eat lunch. Why would you possibly ask her if she wished to go for lunch. The answer was always going to be no.

next time just ask her for coffee or a drink. Don’t pass a note. You’re not in school.

For goodness sake women in general are not scared blokes are going to kill then,

ffs.

Sorry, OP, she's just not into you.

Move on.

It seems like she politely turned down lunch when she said she'd already eaten. It's best to take that at face value and not overthink it. Since she didn't suggest another time to hang out, it's probably best not to push it further, especially considering she's at work and might want to keep things professional. If you still want to let her know you're interested, a low-key note with your number could work, just to leave the ball in her court without making her uncomfortable. But don't try any funny business like pretending to lose your phone to get her number—that might come off as insincere. When you see her next, just be friendly and respectful, and if she shows interest later on, great! If not, no big deal. It's all about reading the situation and respecting her boundaries.

This has really bothered me, portraying women as all these little creatures, scared of men, scared they will get killed, having to placate them.

fuck that. Like seriously. I’m not scared of men. Most women I know aren’t. We are not all quivering scared men will kill us.

Hi,
I would like to remind you that women are not passively waiting to be picked up, if you get the right combination of words.

They have agency.

They can reopen the conversation, make suggestions, and arrange to meet you, if that is what they want.

It's a big decision for her- she may want to see what you are like before going somewhere with you. She may want to see what you are like when someone says 'no' to you.

Keep being friendly, and Let her do the asking next time. If she doesn't, she isn't interested no matter what words you use.

People aren't a code to crack. Life is a series of opportunities to get to know people. Some of them we start to see more often because we get on well and have lots in common. It happens. No special measures needed.

Usually, when you tell men this stark difference, especially if, like the OP, they are pretty emotionally illiterate, they start to understand the imbalance in such situations. While women are being killed by men with whom they are in relationships at the rate of 2 a week, I will not stop pointing out this fundamental difference in the degree of risk faced by each sex.

The quote I have given is well known, and powerful. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but it’s the ultimate reality of the relative risks faced by men and women. If you’d ever had to support a woman who has been on the receiving end of where the OP’s attitude can lead, perhaps you’d understand more.

I understand you’re just parroting a well know phrase, but it’s bullshit and we all know it. But we are not all weak little women scared we are going to be killed.

In fact the overwhelming majority of us are not weak little women scared men will kill us.

sorry if that makes you uncomfortable

The times I’ve turned down men they have all insulted me in some way to save face.
A few have waited outside the pub until I leave to make sure I really know what a c*nt I am and that no man would want me (jokes on them, I don’t want any man).
I know too many women who have been threatened and some even hurt because they turned down a man. One friend was followed home where she was beaten and raped because she turned him down.
We’re not scared little creatures, but there is an awareness that men are stronger, and they can and often do overpower us.
1 in 30 women are raped or sexually assaulted.
Most women are harassed by men at some point in their lives. Whilst we’re not cowering, meek little mice, most women I know are aware of what some men can be like.