Should I end my relationship over never getting married?

[FirmBear]

My partner and I have been together for 13 years, 'engaged' for 10, two children. He proposed many years ago, after our first child, because he felt it was the right thing to do at the time. 6 years ago we were going to marry, many aspects were booked, 5 months prior he decided to leave. I was left with our two small children and a wedding to cancel. Weeks later, we decided to give it another go. Ever since, the question of marriage gets brought up by either me or my children, to my children he says we will marry one day, and to me he says we will never marry. However, when in a good mood, occasionally says maybe we will one day. I want to be married. I always have, and he has always known this. He continues to dangle the carrot and I continue to chase it. Yet I think I know deep down it will never happen. It brings me immense sadness. But is it a reason to end my otherwise relatively happy relationship? I just don't know what to do.

In my opinion, he sounds fucking horrible. You're good enough to have his children but not worthy of marriage? I've always wondered how that works in their minds. He likes knowing he can skip out anytime he chooses with no financial consequences, just like he did before. You're left holding the bag, the babies, and everything else. It speaks volumes as to how much he really values you. He has every right to not get married, but you don't have to settle for this.

If it brings you immense sadness, it's not a happy relationship, it's an outwardly happy relationship because you are masking that hurt every day.

You deserve more than this

What are the finances like? Because you should get rid of this guy but not before making sure you get what's fair.

I've always tried to work out his mind too, and will never understand. I appreciate your comment, thank you.

You're right, it is something I mask all the time and marriage and weddings are everywhere, constantly reminding me of the hurt. Thank you for your comment ❤️

What’s he got against marriage? I don’t understand how he can hurt you like this when he knows you want to be married. Are you really happy with him? Agree with poster above - you deserve more.

I have a good job, and we have a joint mortgage with some equity. Financially, I think I would be OK if we were to separate.

I wish I knew. He just doesn't see it as important, and sees it as a waste of money. Despite me saying I would be very happy to elope/have a registry office wedding. Thank you ❤️

Op, he knows exactly why he doesn't want to get married, and it has nothing to do with the cost of a wedding. He's talking to you as though he thinks you're stupid. He doesn't want you to have any claim on his money. The relationship ends, you get nothing, and that's just the way he wants it.

Being brutally honest, you’ve left it too long. I can see why after 13 years together and two children he doesn’t feel inclined. Personally I would leave the relationship over it.

That must be so hurtful OP, if he had been clear from the start perhaps less so but he clearly misled you. I think for the deception alone that would make me want to leave but then I appreciate you also have the children to think about. And the thing is if marriage isn’t a big deal to him but it is to you, why wouldn’t he just get agree to it? He obviously does think it’s a big deal and for whatever reason it’s not a journey he wants to go on with you.

I can see why it brings you immense sadness, this issue brings many women sadness if they really want to get married, but in your case it must always be a reminder of when he left you with the kids and made you cancel the wedding.

How pathetic and cowardly of him to run from the wedding and commitment to the family and then come back and carry on without that commitment after the trauma he obviously caused.

I'd have no respect for him tbh and I would end the relationship. You deserve better.

I couldn't stay with a partner who gets his kicks dangling you by a thread, knowing you aren't happy and not giving a toss about that.

How is that any kind of life? I'm sorry OP, but I'd leave and at least reclaim some self respect.

Difficult one as I think you missed the times to leave when it would have made most sense - before you had children, and then when he cancelled the wedding. But if he can't even give you a proper reason, won't discuss it further and tells the kids something different to you, then I think you're more than justified in ending the relationship.

I’m sorry OP.

I think I would call it a day personally. And likely you should have done this 6 years ago. Unless his explanation for leaving then coming back was amazing.

The bottom line is he doesn’t want to marry you. Even though he knows how happy it would make you.

I assume your children have his surname and not yours? I see this so much and just wonder how men get away with this. I have a friend who’s given up on being married after over 20 years. She was always sad she didn’t have the same surname as her now grown up children - the odd one out in her own family as such. I dislike and disrespect that man so much for that.

Maybe it’s your turn to take a break from the relationship like he did. Could you go away on your own for a weekend? Take some time out to think about what you want. It might also really rattle him. The selfish prick.

I have noticed that people, and especially men, will want what they can’t have. Next time he dangles the wedding carrot you could try some reverse psychology. Along the lines of ‘Oh yeah marriage. Yeah I’m over that now. I’m beginning to see the positives not being tied to someone else financially etc’.

Also if you’ve been wearing an engagement ring for 10 years I’d quietly take it off. Or move to your other hand. If he notices, I’d say ‘oh well it’s been a decade now so it’s embarrassing now. The deal has expired and if I ever do get married I’ll be needing a new one.’ I would avoid any arguement by saying it matter of factly then immediately changing the subject or going off to make a tea or something.

💐

I’d go so far as to give it him back . It’s an engagement ring. It symbolises an intention to get married. This has never happened and likely never will. It would make me sad to look at it. But I think I would have done that at the point i had to cancel the wedding because he left. He would have had to move Earth and stars to win me back after that, and have the wedding rebooked within 3 months.

Well, does he not want to get married or does he not want to get married to you?

I saw a line on Reddit once: this is a binary solution problem. One hand holds a marriage counsellor and one hand holds a divorce lawyer. What do you want? Except you’re not married so you will only need a mediator to work our parenting details.

@FirmBear what was his parent's marriage / relationship like?
It's possible he's just toying with you for the sake of being cruel. But if, other than this, you think he's a good, caring partner and father, I'd at least be exploring the possibility that there's some deeper fear he hasn't confronted. About what he thinks getting married will turn your relationship into.
I guess then if you do explore that possibility with him and turn up nothing you have to face the fact he's being very cruel.

I would end things with him. The reality is that you supported him for 13 years, you had 2 children and he knows that you want to get married. Along with this your working outside the home so your income is helping him pay the mortgage.
He got cold feet re getting married via while ago and left you for 6 months with his 2 kid's.
After doing that I would have told him that your relationship had ended.

Where did he stay when this happened? Did he move back in with his parents? Was he paying rent or staying with friends? My feeling is that he may have wore out his welcome in this situation and realised he was better off back with you.
I get legal advice in regards to the house before you tell him that it over between you.
Tell him that since he won't marry you it over between you. You have spoken to a solicitor in regards to the house so he can move out and continue to pay half the mortgage.

The reality is that marriage is not just a piece of paper. Iit gives you a better tax and inheritance rules. You may also get widows pension ect.

you’ve been together years so you personally aren’t the reason he doesn’t want to get married you said yourself he doesn’t see the point and it’s pointless

the only way he will marry is if you somehow force him to would you really want to be stood at the alter with someone who doesn’t want to be there

you know exactly where you stand accept it or leave

I think the fact he left and you had to cancel the wedding would have been enough reason to leave. You deserve much more

I would want to be married for extra rights etc as you have kids and a mortgage. If he still says no now, get out while your finances are in a good place, but get advice from a solicitor first.

He left you with 2 children and you had to cancel the wedding.
The kids must have been quite young and you must have been devastated.

Did he give his reason for leaving at that time? Did he say it was because he didn't want to get married? Or did he cite other reasons?

Did he help call and cancel things? Or did you have to call all the vendors yourself?

He has smartly engineered using that incident of leaving you as a threat/warning of what would happen if you push the 'I want to get married' agenda. I am guessing his leaving you then with two little ones was a traumatic experience. And subconsciously that has stopped you from telling him that you are worthy, you are hurt by his deception and you want to be married.

He doesn't sound very nice.
It doesn't sound like an 'otherwise happy relationship'.
It doesn't sound like you are really happy.

Frankly, i am so annoyed on your behalf. He has played you and in a mean way too.

Yours is a good example of why I have advised friends before to be "no ring, no kids". The UK is increasingly full of couple where one (more often but not always the man) refuses to be married and usually due to the UKs awful financial aspects of divorce. Others for women call it security but 20 years ago it was routine for a divorce and a spouse who brought more money and assets could easily be stripped of them, especially if they had a final salary pension scheme often with this silly "notional" values.

The situation has improved a lot over the years and it appears also that pre-nups are gaining traction. However, the reality is if there is significant disparity in income and wealth, getting married financially only benefits one partner.

A friend of mine is in this position but she is the far higher earner with lots of capital assets and she refuses to marry but she has always been clear she does not wish to. There is also no intention to have children.

I suggest you sit and discuss and decide if you really want to stay together and if that is pacts his view. Also if you do, then please make wills with provisions for the children, also nominating guardians. You also need to create powers of attorney as well

A close friend of mine waited years and years for her partner to finally agree to marrying her. It was as if she was dragging him down the aisle. Then they were divorced within two years.

The marriage thing was just papering over the cracks of a troubled relationship, my friend felt that if they got married it would sort out their problems. It didn't, it just put a hold on them, with the temporary distraction of getting married.

in other words please don't think that getting married to someone when they clearly don't want to, will solve your problems, it won't

You've said it yourself OP, you've got a job and half the house, you can live without him. It sounds like your relationship has had its day, probably 6 years ago, time to move on.