Should I end my relationship over never getting married?

[FirmBear]

My partner and I have been together for 13 years, 'engaged' for 10, two children. He proposed many years ago, after our first child, because he felt it was the right thing to do at the time. 6 years ago we were going to marry, many aspects were booked, 5 months prior he decided to leave. I was left with our two small children and a wedding to cancel. Weeks later, we decided to give it another go. Ever since, the question of marriage gets brought up by either me or my children, to my children he says we will marry one day, and to me he says we will never marry. However, when in a good mood, occasionally says maybe we will one day. I want to be married. I always have, and he has always known this. He continues to dangle the carrot and I continue to chase it. Yet I think I know deep down it will never happen. It brings me immense sadness. But is it a reason to end my otherwise relatively happy relationship? I just don't know what to do.

I've come out the other end of a relationship like this when my partner died unexpectedly.
I wasn't entitled to any death grant and he basically didn't leave enough money to bury himself.My oldest son has had to step forward and deal with the debts etc as I'm not a relative and can't. My deceased partner's father died just a few weeks after him and because none of my children who are in their 20's were on benefit we also had to pay for his funeral.
Basically we gained none of the benefits of being in a long term relationship and all the disadvantages of being expected to pay the bills.If the house hadn't been solely in my name I'd have probably lost it due to the debts.
Your partner could participate in a civil ceremony for a few hundred pounds and it would offer you and your children some protection.

Of course you should probably leave, I wouldn't have taken him back after he walked out and made me cancel a wedding hon 💐

He's lying. If he truely didn't see it as important there's zero reason for him not to have done it because its important to the person he loves. He's prepared to cause you pain over something that's apparently not important to him. What sort of person wants to hurt their loved one over something that isn't important to them? The money thing is pure bullshit because it doesn't have to cost a lot.

Why did you honestly take him back?

He will never marry you.

Let me guess @FirmBear , he convinced you to give the children his last name, as you would "get married one day"

He is a future faker. I would take back what control you can, get your name added to theirs (if applicable), focus on your career, pension and start a savings account in your own hame that you regularly pay into (even small amounts). Build a network of friends and a life outside of the relationship.

I’d resolve not to marry him, no matter how much he begs, so that you are in control. Take the carrot off him and crush it!

Getting married is not all that tbh. Sounds like youve already got one foot out the door if you’re considering leaving anyway.

His 'reasons' make no sense.

He says marriage isn't important. Well, it's clearly important to you. So what he means is - it isn't important to him (ie he doesn't want to do it) and your feelings and opinions are irrelevant. Besides, if it isn't important then he wouldn't mind nipping off and doing it, if it makes you happy.

He says they're expensive. They don't have to be, as you've pointed out.

He is showing a complete lack of respect for you, and no care at all for your feelings. The fact he walked out once before, leaving you with all the responsibilies, shows you he wants to feel like he can walk at any time. Add to all that the fact he dangles the carrot, well he sounds like an immature and selfish arse.

But why would you want to marry someone who would treat you in such a cruel way? I can completely understand you wanting to be married. I can't understand why you would want to marry him.

I really feel for you but unfortunately marriage will never be on his radar. To call off the marriage in such a heartless way was so callous and an indicator into his lack of love and respect for you. He wants his cake and eat it without giving you the security you deserve

Next time he dangles the wedding carrot you could try some reverse psychology. Along the lines of ‘Oh yeah marriage. Yeah I’m over that now. I’m beginning to see the positives not being tied to someone else financially etc’.

Ive always wondered how this would go. If the man gets the idea that their partner is no longer that keen on marriage perhaps they'd start getting insecure

In your shoes I would do everything I could to be extremely wealthy and not marry him. I'd also pass as much of the wife work and mental load back to him so he can be in your shoes. Once id made it I'd also separate our finances and put my contribution into a joint account and make sure the kids and I benefited from it.

Obviously you're not me though. He's a wanker.

Have you looked at what will happen if one of you dies in the near future? If you're married and you inherit from your spouse there's no inheritance tax, but there is if you aren't married - assuming he has left his assets to you. Would you be able to stay in the house if he dies soon? The same applies to him too of course.

Financially getting married probably makes a lot of sense, and if he doesn't recognise and act on that, then you've got your answer.

I feel for you but in all honesty you were prepared to accept having two children without being married so I think you have to accept that shop has sailed. FWIW I refused to have children without being married ....lo and behold we got married

This is a brilliant answer. ‘The deal has expired.’ I would definitely let him know he’s missed his chance.

Are you the TikTok lady? If you get 1.5 mill likes he’ll propose? either way I would look for someone who wants that commitment

You should have left him 6 years ago when he walked out - what a tosser.

They have been happily married for over 30 years, childhood sweethearts, firm believers in marriage before children. This is why I cannot understand his thought process, not even from a deeper, psychological stance.

I often wonder where my life would be now if I hadn't let him back in.

He doesn't want to marry you. He has made it very clear. So you need to decide if it's a deal breaker. And if it is then make the decision and stick to it.

I really was devastated, and traumatised. It is certainly something I will never forget. And no, he didn't help me cancel the wedding in any way. His reason for leaving was not wanting to get married, and a feeling that he could be happier elsewhere.

I'm so sorry you went through this ❤️

I ask myself this all the time. The only answer I can give is that I did it for my children.

I don't know who the TikTok lady is, certainly not me 🤣 I have only ever spoken about this to friends and family, but I really wanted an unbiased take. I appreciate everyones comments here ❤️

It wasn't so much that I was prepared to have children without being married first, out first child was not planned, although a very happy surprise nonetheless.