Should I end my relationship over never getting married?

[FirmBear]

My partner and I have been together for 13 years, 'engaged' for 10, two children. He proposed many years ago, after our first child, because he felt it was the right thing to do at the time. 6 years ago we were going to marry, many aspects were booked, 5 months prior he decided to leave. I was left with our two small children and a wedding to cancel. Weeks later, we decided to give it another go. Ever since, the question of marriage gets brought up by either me or my children, to my children he says we will marry one day, and to me he says we will never marry. However, when in a good mood, occasionally says maybe we will one day. I want to be married. I always have, and he has always known this. He continues to dangle the carrot and I continue to chase it. Yet I think I know deep down it will never happen. It brings me immense sadness. But is it a reason to end my otherwise relatively happy relationship? I just don't know what to do.

I have tried to explain to him the financial benefits of being married, it does not matter to him. He has thousands of pounds in savings, in only his name. Financially, it does not benefit him at all really.

You say you took him back because of your DC, but it's not enough is it? If you want to marry but he doesn't has he ever said why?

You need to sit down calmly together when the DC aren't around and talk about the future. If he decides he does want to marry you after all then he organises it to prove it. If he doesn't want to marry you then you need to decide whether you live with that (but ensure you are financially and legally covered - wills etc) or you split.

I am really sorry to hear this. That kind of trauma can cut really deep. Not necessarily to do with your post, but I wonder if you have properly healed from this?

If he left because he had a feeling he would be happier elsewhere, then his coming back to you was because he couldn't be happier elsewhere. So why hasn't he married you? In such a scenario, it would be expected that you both would have married soon after he came back.

It has been some years, did something happen to make you post about this now?

He's trying to have his cake and eat it - take the cake away and leave.

He's been horrible to you - cancelling a wedding and leaving you to deal with it and the children by yourself. Saying he thinks he could be happier elsewhere. Squirrelling money away. You deserve so much better than this. Appreciate the children being motivation to stay but he didn't think about them when he fucked off previously. He sounds selfish and self-absorbed and cruel.

He sounds awful, sorry.

It's entirely possible to not want marriage and still behave well. He's failed very hard at that. Decent human beings don't use it as a carrot to try and control someone they're supposed to love.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.

How can you state your relationship is otherwise relatively happy?. It may well be simply because you've put up and shut up.

You would not want your children as adults to have a relationship like this and its not good enough for you. He needs to now become your ex; he's been no partner to you either. I'd sell the engagement ring too; men who want long engagements use them as a reason to further not get married.

Staying for the sake of the children was and is not a reason nor basis to remain with such a man now. You stayed for your own sake really, not theirs, and because you at the time thought it would be "easier" to do so. He never thought about them or you when he previously left to try and seek happiness elsewhere. He does not want to share end of. These types of men too are never happy so I would leave him to his pile of money; that is the only thing these types love.

Oh op what a horrible situation for you. I'm inclined to agree with everyone else - you are in such a precarious position that actually, splitting now is better for your own self preservation.

He's happy to feather his own nest and would see you struggle in the event of his death, rather than marry you? THAT's despicable.

He has 1000s of pounds in savings? Surely you both do if you've been together that long and got kids - well no, you don't as he won't marry you.

I'd honestly be saying to him either make sure we are financially secure or we are over.

I assume your children have his surname and not yours? I see this so much and just wonder how men get away with this. I have a friend who’s given up on being married after over 20 years. She was always sad she didn’t have the same surname as her now grown up children - the odd one out in her own family as such. I dislike and disrespect that man so much for that.

I have a friend who has 3 kids two different fathers and both sets of kids have their dads surname and she was never married to either of the men, so she is the only one in her family with her surname. She’s been with her current partner (father of her youngest two) about 16 years now.

not everyone wants to get married and he shouldn’t feel forced into marrying you when he clearly doesn’t want too. However he shouldn’t keep teasing you with it. It’s either a yes or no answer. If he says no then you need to accept it and work out what’s best for you .

True we can go find in circles but at the end of the day we can’t control what other people do. If he doesn’t want to get married you either need to accept that or move on as hard as it. It’s just a shame he wasn’t straight with you in the beginning but now you’ve seen what he is like, so the decision is yours in how you respond.

Men who dig their feet in about marriage are often the ones who are always on the look out for something better. It seems he left when you were engaged in search of that
” better” life/ woman , but didn’t have any luck so came back to what was comfortable and safe.

I'd go a step further and sell the engagement ring and buy something that brings you joy with the money.

Having to look at the face of this man every day I can't see how you would be happy, it's a shit situation and he did an unforgivable thing which must have devastated you, and he has done little to make things right other than let you wash his socks and make his dinner for six years. He continues to show you how little he values you, your stability and your feelings.

Do you really want him in reality, or has it become a head game between the two of you? He's withholding, you're chasing?

Value yourself even if he won't, and tell him that you're no longer interested.

So he has thousands of pounds in his own name so knows marriage doesn't benefit him. I would be leaving him, what exactly are you getting from the relationship?

Are you children relatively young? Do it now whilst they've time to adjust rather than have to wait through teenage years.

It's sounds as though he wants all the benefits of a marriage without being in one. I'm willing to bet you do the majority of the housework, organising etc? So, again, what are you getting out of the relationship?

Nothing has happened that hasn't happened dozens of times before, marriage is brought up and we fall out, and I'm subject to the silent treatment for a while. I don't know what made me write on here if I'm honest! Overtired, fed up and at a complete loss I guess. Thank you for your comment ❤️

Yes I would end it. He’s been really nasty, giving you the impression that you would get married then pulling the pin. That’s not someone I could respect or admire.

eventually the resentment will be so great that you will want to end it anyway. Sell the ring and get yourself something nice. I’m sorry

When someone takes a fake “principled “ stand like “It costs too much” when it doesn’t cost anything at the registry THEY ARE LYING TO YOU.

He knows it matters to you because it represents live, honour, and security to you and the children. He is spitefully withholding it. That is literally the only explanation.

You should leave him sooner rather than later. Why waste your sweetness on the desert air?

he's not marrying you because he is getting ALL the benefits without any of the legal commitment

please leave. otherwise he will leave you after you have spent a lifetime picking up after him and you will have nothing to show for it.

let him find his happiness elsewhere. I could certainly never stay with someone who thought they might be happier with someone else.

The common pattern I can see from your posts are he proposed because you'd just had a child and it was 'the right thing to do' not because he wanted to marry you.
He left you until the wedding was cancelled and then he came back.
Every time you talk about getting married he gives you the silent treatment, which is abusive.
When he is feeling especially happy he will dangle that carrot of he'd marry you one day.
Sadly, I don't think it will happen. I think it might be time for you to cut your losses and separate. It will give you the space to find yourself and think clearly.
Don't marry someone because you want to get married. Marry them as they genuinely make you happy and you them, and you both want to.

Are you sure your relationship is ‘relatively happy’? You don’t sound happy at all. In fact, you appear to be walking on eggshells and investing an awful amount of emotional energy in masking your dissatisfaction and unhappiness.

I would not marry this man, @FirmBear , even if he were to agree. He doesn’t have your back. If push comes to shove he’ll always choose his own best interest over his relationship with you.

cut your losses and be free of this mental torture!

I would get your ducks in a row and then leave.

Either he thinks something better is going to come along or he doesn't want to share his money. Its that simple. You think you are a team, he doesn't. You deserve better than that.

Honestly, I didn't think it is going to get better. Muy mum has been in a relationship with someone who has dangled the possibility of marriage to her for over 20 years. They are not married and he is now saying he never intended that they should be.

Do you really want to waste your life and your happiness on someone who doesn't care about withholding something that is so important to you and who values you so little?

I had a foot dragger partner. The question I asked myself at the time was if I had to choose between being with him unmarried for the rest of our lives or leave and become someone else's wife.

For me, we were truly blissfully happy other than me wanting to marry and him not really bothered. He didn't object to marrying me but saw it as not important in defining our relationship. So I dropped the idea. Once I realised that I saw too many mediocre marriages around me, I didn't want to leave an otherwise ideal relationship to be married to someone else and not be as happy as this. .

BUT I made it crystal clear that I was retaining my own financial security so a suggestion after maternity leave to drop down to part time was immediately nixed. He was expected to do 50% of house and baby stuff from the start, and actually did. I didn't do his wife work either. Even when his mother would joke about me helping our on their farm from the early days, I'd joke right back that until there were rings on a certain finger, their family farm was nowt to do with me. All in good fun but the point was clearly made. I wasn't a wife, so nobody was getting wife level effort from me. 😊

So, consider it as being your two options are to be his girlfriend or to be someone else's wife, only you can make that choice and its harder for you because of his earlier walking out, Irrespective of your choice, you shou is bound to have destabilised your trust in him. ld ensure your own financial wellbeing and security regardless of your decision.

Do you actually want to marry him, OP. I mean, the man he is now. Take the kids out of the equation, if you met him now, and you'd been together a couple of years say, would you want to marry him?