Is this too soon to move in together?

[bananasarent]

Sorry if this is long - just trying to avoid a drip feed...

I'm 37 and have some fertility issues (eg peri menopause - referred to early menopause clinic and awaiting appointments). I have frozen some eggs thankfully but no guarantee of anything. I 100% want children. I would consider this alone with sperm donor if this relationship does not work but not keen on it..

I have been with my partner for almost a year (from first meeting, but we were exclusive/official within a few dates). My partner is 46 and may have some issues with low sperm count (only one test conducted - we agreed for him to have this test just for info - and need to redo this for accurate diagnosis). Likely therefore that if we were to have children it might be via IVF, although we would obviously try naturally first.

DP has always said that the right relationship is what he wants as a priority. He would love it if that leads to children but he doesn't want to rush things just because we're older etc. He knows that given his age when we even got together that there's no guarantee he might have kids and he would rather take time to know if the relationship is right before taking that step - even if it means he misses out on children. He was reassured that I had frozen some eggs though - this came out on the first date, so I do think it is important to him.

He is great with kids, very engaged with them, very kind, caring, emotional type guy (eg. he got teary when a friend's little toddler was leaving his and thanked him for having him etc!)

Problem is, he does not feel "ready" to move in together or basically progress the relationship. I have a flat in a city (where we both work) and he has a large (family!) house on the outskirts so it would be moving in with him. We usually spend 5ish nights a week together - often at his, say Thur night to Tues morning. I have made it clear if we "moved in together" then I would keep my flat and it just being empty/we use it occasionally so basically it's all on a trial basis. If it works, amazing, we progress. if not, then fine I move back out with my couple of suitcases of clothes or whatever and we move on.

I'm struggling to decide how big a deal this is that he does not want to do this - I've been in an on/off relationship with someone who messed me around re kids for a good 7ish years and just concerned I may have ended up in one again, despite what he says.. he has tried to reassure me that we're both on the same path but I'm just further ahead than him and he wants to feel "sure" and that he wants to feel like "I really want her here all the time" kind of thing before we move in together. Obviously I would like that too but I guess I just feel there's not really much to lose by just going for it so why wait? If he hates spending every night together then good to find out sooner rather than later.

Grateful for thoughts or advise on what I should say to him etc.

We've currently left it as me saying he needs to figure out what he's expecting to change/happen as I think this is his issue and we need to have another chat in a week or two as I'm not happy with the situation and don't want to waste my time..

I'd cut my losses.
He may not realise he's doing it, but I suspect he's commitment phobic and is future faking you (and possibly himself).
If he wanted to be with you he would be without all this thinking about it.

I think his procrastination shows he’s a commitment phobe. I think it’s time to move on OP and meet someone who wants the same as you

I agree with Beamur. By the age of 46 he should know whether he wants to settle down. After a year together you should really be on the same page. I'm not sure he's the one for you.

Being blunt If you want kids, you need to get on with it on your own. I’m sure you’re aware the low % success rate with frozen eggs, and this guy’s age and low count won’t help you.

At your ages, if he thought the relationship was right, I'd think he'd want to take the next step of moving in together. Sounds like you're not on the same page so I would cut this one loose, you're not getting any younger and don't want to leave it too late for kids

At his age if he wanted a relationship and met a 37 yr old woman who he loved and wanted one too, there would be absolutely no hesitation.

He's very likely an avoidant and will chuck any barrier up to avoid real commitment.

At your age you have more choices than this,

You have been together for ‘almost a year’.

This is not long really. I think it’s fair that he thinks it’s too soon.

I also appreciate that you are concerned about your fertility. But - I suspect any partner you meet might have reservations about moving in together rapidly.

To be completely honest, I’m not really getting the message from your post that you really love this guy. It’s all very practical / rational around your timeline to having a baby.

I think you just need to be direct with him. This is what I want, if not let’s move on.

One of my friends met his now wife aged 30, they moved in 4 weeks later, married within 12 months and had a baby 9 months after that. Still together after 26 years - the point is, when you know, you know. He’s messing you around.

I understand him not wanting to rush things, but in reality your time is limited. Don't be in a situation where you are entirely reliant on him to get what you want. All the power is in his hands. I'd at least make a plan for going it alone. At 46 i'd have hoped he would understand the limitations of fertility - so he's either having you on or thick.

If he'd ever wanted to get married/have kids he'd have done it by now.

I do love him but to be honest, I think I've learned from my past experience to always keep one foot out the door and try to be more practical/rational about it. Ultimately if I want to have children then I've got a timeline that's nearing the end a lot sooner than he does. I've already wasted years of my fertility with the wrong person and staying because of love and promises that did not materialise, so I'm being more cautious this time. I know love isn't enough to make a relationship work and even the love of an amazing man will never replace my desire to love a child...

The aspect I'm struggling with is if I should be forcing him into a decision he's not "ready/sure" about re living together (or rather giving an ultimatum about this) or giving him more time. In an ideal world I would happily wait another 6 months or so - which I feel would be enough time for him...maybe..! But with my fertility, those 6 months could mean the end of my periods and then all that remains is the frozen eggs... and if he's not ready then I'm 38 and starting over again..

He did make a comment in the past about my frozen eggs as obviously I could use them in 5 years even if my periods have stopped so I think he feels like that's given us a bit more time.. I don't feel like this as I only have 12 frozen and well aware the stats are not in my favour - I have explained this to him..

This is going to be brutal I’m afraid: if you want children you need to prioritise this NOW, and that likely involves going down the sperm donor route.

At the moment you are pinning your hopes of being a mother on a 46 year old man with a low sperm count who doesn’t know if he wants children. Here’s a clue - he’s 46. If he’d wanted kids he would likely have had them, or at least been in the zone for having them at some point. My hot take is that he doesn’t want them and he’s future faking you because he likes being with you. To be honest, if I was 46 the last thing I’d want is to be a parent to young child.

He's 46 for god's sake. If he doesn't know what he wants by now then there's no point.

Move on swiftly.

Maybe he wants to protect his "family" home asset. Maybe he feels cornered.

Is marriage on the horizon for you for your own protection esp. with a child.

Do some research on donor sperm and DIY it if you want a child badly.

Definitely cut your losses and move on.

I met a 48 year-old commitmentphobe who talked the talk about wanting a relationship and kids etc. but it was all future faking bullshit (thankfully I didn’t get too involved with him). He’s now 52, still single and says he’s desperate for a family. But he has nothing to offer a much younger woman so he has likely missed his chance of having kids of his own.

Agree.

He's 46!!! How much older does he need to be to know that he wants to be a dad??

I have to agree with everything that's been posted.
He's had nearly half a century to figure out what he wants in life.
I understand not wanting to rush things just because you're older, but I think chances are that he's going to take all the time he needs... just in time for your fertility window to have closed. And imagine how much resentment you'll end up having if he's the reason you missed out on having kids.

I met my husband when I was almost 30 and he was 35. We both wanted children and wanted them quickly. I moved in at 6 months, bought a house together at 1 year and was pregnant a month later. 7 years later, no regrets.
If you know, you know.

He may say he wants kids and it's easy to think you're on the same page. But the reality is that you're saying:
I want kids, I want them soon, and I'd rather have them alone than not have them at all.
And he's saying:
I will probably want kids at some point, but it may not be with you. And in that case, if it doesn't happen, it's fine by me.

This is a huge difference. Plus, the fact that he's 46 and childless means he doesn't feel pressured by his age to make a decision. He could wait another 20 years and still most likely have his fertility. Whereas you have just a few more years to make things happen. You're not on the same page and I wouldn't waste any more time.

A year is not that soon at your ages. You're not even asking to start trying for a baby or get engaged, just to move in together. And you will even keep your place so there's an easy way out of it doesn't work. And he still isn't sure! I'd seriously consider cutting your losses unless you would choose him over a child

I think you're confirming what I'm thinking.. but it's so difficult..

I guess if he asked anonymously about the situation he'd be told he shouldn't rush into anything if he's not ready? Right? But I would understand that if the downside was something like trying for a baby etc where you can't change your mind but I'm struggling to understand the downside to moving in with someone who can move out and erase all trace of themselves from your house within a day if needed!? Does anyone see it from his POV?

I should add that my fertility issues and his possible ones came up about 7/8 months in and I know that's added pressure to the situation.. but we've tried to forget about them and just have fun since then. But I know he's feeling pressure because of all of that too being in the back of our minds..

He's 46 and still isn't sure.
I think he is likely not that genuinely pushed about children.
Men that want a family, usually have them, certainly before 46.
Highly likely you are not the first woman he has future faked.

What's his relationship history?
Why does he live in a large family house?
Are the clues to his reluctance in his past? A divorce?

He's 46 so he must have some baggage and it's likely there where you will find some clues to his current need to take things slow.

I think there is wanting and wanting children tbh.

He is the former. Ie kids are great if they happen in my timescale at some unspecified time. People who are the latter are prepared to actively change their lives to make it happen.

I was also future faked by an ex. What I have realised in hindsight was the amount of small insidious things my ex did to make me feel unreasonable to want what I wanted (buying a house, marriage & kids). I genuinely thought I was asking for an awful lot to have all three. I wasn't.

Nah he’s not interested. I actually don’t think it’s a good idea to live with men without having a wedding in the pipeline ( as in a date set) if marriage and kids is what you want.

These men who are almost half a century old and still dicking about with the whole 'I'm not sure what I want' spiel really grind my gears. Who do they think they are!

He's had a number of fairly long term relationships...a year to a few years at a time. Only lived with one when he was about 30 for around 6 months though as she was then ready to commit further and he wasn't ready to settle down. He was a v. late bloomer to dating etc and getting his confidence so I guess he was still wanting to date around... I think he feels a bit like she was the one who got away though (due to his actions ofc!) He also claims to feel scarred by the fact that he essentially had to make her homeless when he ended it (although ofc he didn't just kick her out but she'd given up her place to move in with him etc so he feels guilty about that). Hence reluctance to commit to that again...but it would be different here!

Family house was purchased 2 years ago...because he claims he wants a family etc! 🤷🏼‍♀️

No marriages or kids..