Is this too soon to move in together?

[bananasarent]

Sorry if this is long - just trying to avoid a drip feed...

I'm 37 and have some fertility issues (eg peri menopause - referred to early menopause clinic and awaiting appointments). I have frozen some eggs thankfully but no guarantee of anything. I 100% want children. I would consider this alone with sperm donor if this relationship does not work but not keen on it..

I have been with my partner for almost a year (from first meeting, but we were exclusive/official within a few dates). My partner is 46 and may have some issues with low sperm count (only one test conducted - we agreed for him to have this test just for info - and need to redo this for accurate diagnosis). Likely therefore that if we were to have children it might be via IVF, although we would obviously try naturally first.

DP has always said that the right relationship is what he wants as a priority. He would love it if that leads to children but he doesn't want to rush things just because we're older etc. He knows that given his age when we even got together that there's no guarantee he might have kids and he would rather take time to know if the relationship is right before taking that step - even if it means he misses out on children. He was reassured that I had frozen some eggs though - this came out on the first date, so I do think it is important to him.

He is great with kids, very engaged with them, very kind, caring, emotional type guy (eg. he got teary when a friend's little toddler was leaving his and thanked him for having him etc!)

Problem is, he does not feel "ready" to move in together or basically progress the relationship. I have a flat in a city (where we both work) and he has a large (family!) house on the outskirts so it would be moving in with him. We usually spend 5ish nights a week together - often at his, say Thur night to Tues morning. I have made it clear if we "moved in together" then I would keep my flat and it just being empty/we use it occasionally so basically it's all on a trial basis. If it works, amazing, we progress. if not, then fine I move back out with my couple of suitcases of clothes or whatever and we move on.

I'm struggling to decide how big a deal this is that he does not want to do this - I've been in an on/off relationship with someone who messed me around re kids for a good 7ish years and just concerned I may have ended up in one again, despite what he says.. he has tried to reassure me that we're both on the same path but I'm just further ahead than him and he wants to feel "sure" and that he wants to feel like "I really want her here all the time" kind of thing before we move in together. Obviously I would like that too but I guess I just feel there's not really much to lose by just going for it so why wait? If he hates spending every night together then good to find out sooner rather than later.

Grateful for thoughts or advise on what I should say to him etc.

We've currently left it as me saying he needs to figure out what he's expecting to change/happen as I think this is his issue and we need to have another chat in a week or two as I'm not happy with the situation and don't want to waste my time..

I think a blunt conversation is the only way forward. Pushing 50 he can't seriously be thinking "maybe in the future" - you need to tell him he's not at an age where this is really an option... But it looks to me he knows that he doesn't, he just won't admit it to you.

He's 46 and only lived with a woman for 6 months?

Yes, he may have had longer relationships, but I'd say he's so used to having his own space, he's scared to give that up.

Could you consider an unconventional set-up with this guy where you're looking at kids but without actually living together full-time?

Not all relationships have to include living together and marriage, even if kids are involved. My parents didn't live together for years even though they were married and committed to our family unit.

I don’t think a year is too soon to move in together when no kids are involved and you aren’t both divorced/have other commitments. To be honest, I don’t know anyone who met their spouse after 35 and didn’t move very quickly - all the couples had moved in together by the 12 month mark and married by 18-24 month mark. This sounds like someone who either isn’t sure about you and/or doesn’t really want to have kids.

I dint think this is going anywhere. 46 and only ever lived with a partner for six months? This one cannot compromise.

why not suggest equal time across both homes so it isnt just you inconvenienced?

Moving in without an enthusiastic proposal, wedding date set and invites in the post does not sound like a good plan. A year is a normal length of time to decide whether to commit. If he's not taking that step now he probably won't.

All you can do is say that you are looking to get married. And leave it at that. Start making other plans.

Buying a family home because he says he wants kids and then faffing around when he has met someone who wants the same doesn't add up at all.
He's either not telling the truth on that or he doesn't feel you are the one to do it all with (sorry if that sounds harsh).
If you definitely want a family I think you have to really think about this relationship because he could faff about for years like this.

I think you can do a bit better for yourself op

No, move on, he's a really bad bet. Mostly, men who have got to 46 without having DC's really don't want them, plus he has clear history of being a commitmentphobe at age 30 - not exactly young either.
He knew from the first date he had to go along with what you said to get a 2nd date, as you told him way too much of your plans - which to some would come across as desperate, and make some run. He doesn't even want to try living together with no risk to himself or you. He certainly won't want marriage.
He's told you what you want to hear so you'll date him, I really feel you are wasting your time on him.

Stay with him and you settle.
Stay with him, he's never ready and you waste time
The wisest thing I was ever told was "past performance is the most accurate indicator of future performance".

Move on op regardless of the baby situation

It strikes me also, that if the woman he lived with before was a similar age, then she probably got out as often the clock ticks at 30, not wanting more commitment then, was probably him not wanting DC's, I doubt he's told you the full story with that, but even the bit he has said sounds bad.

Oh mate, it's so hard because you love him so can't see it objectively, but I think you're at a point where you chose him, or the chance of a child.

A year is long enough to know if this is working when you're 37/46.

And he's got low sperm & you've got fertility issues but wants to wait a bit longer to try for kids? That's not the actions of a man who seriously wants a child.

It sounds like he's got it sweet at the moment in his big house, with his younger partner staying 5 days a week, but still a few days to chill alone & be 'unattached and unsure'. Life of Riley.

Prioritise yourself & your needs OP because this mans plan does not involve children.

I would crack on with the ttc plan, on your own, in your flat in the city.
Leave him to rattle around his "family home" on his tod.
You say you want kids 100%, so don't lessen your chances by listening to his reasons to stall you.
I'd end the relationship and concentrate on yourself and your plans for your future. Good luck.

It’s weird that he’s being called a commitment phobe because he hasn’t lived with anyone for more than six months. I’m 53 and haven’t lived with anyone more than 5 months and I’m far from a commitment phobe. Maybe I don’t take moving in with someone lightly and don’t want to settle just to have companionship. I rather be alone than live with someone incompatible. To me moving in is a big step and I’m not willing to do that just because everyone thinks that’s the next step. If I meet someone and feel comfortable with them then that would lead to moving in together. Unless I’m sure about them it won’t happen. The biggest red flag to me is that he’s unsure about kids at 46 AND you want to have children as soon as possible. I would move on based on that as he should know at that age if he wants children.

I think your desire to have a child is so strong you need to do it now - alone ! Time is ticking and there is also no guarantee he will be able to get you pregnant with a low sperm count. His relationship history is also not at all reassuring for a 46 year old man. I think you know deep down what you need to do….

OP, rather than asking him to make a decision, I think what you really need to do here is make YOUR decision. You’ve decided that you want/need to move the relationship forward, and it appears that he may not want that right now. In a way, it doesn’t really matter what his reasons are - you can’t predict the future, and so you need to decide based on the information you have right now.

If I were in your shoes, and really wanted a child, I would end the relationship on the basis that you need to get going on that ASAP. It’s not about him, it’s about you and your future. If he changes his mind and can commit to living together, he can always contact you and see if you’re still open to that (I think this is unlikely, based on what you’ve said). But you need to focus on you now, and on your future, to give yourself the best chance of having the child you so want.

I know you would prefer to do this with him, but at the moment he’s not amenable to that. Don’t waste your time trying to understand him. He wants what he wants, and you want what you want. Please choose yourself here.

Good luck xx

It sounds like your intuition is telling you to think carefully given the fact you've posted about this.

I've been with someone six months and there are parallels to yours and my situation, but the difference is I already have one child who I thought may end up as an only anyway, so it's not such a worry if we don't end up having a child. The guy I'm with also isn't putting the brakes on it feels like we are both quite eager (but being sensible given I already have a DC).

I have thought about why the guy I am with hasn't found anyone to settle down with before, as I think it is unusual (he is 41, so a bit younger than your DP). However, I'm reasonably comfortable about it and he's very open talking about it. He's a bit quirky, as are we all in various ways, but he and I are quite similar which is why some of his quirks that might bother some people but don't bother me. But I'm content carrying on as we are and seeing how we go regardless, whereas it feels like there is a gut feel or some anxiety for you with your current situation which it sounds like you could do with unpicking a bit more.

I think it's about what you want. I would imagine you want a child, marriage (for security) and a future and he's just about maybe and if it happens and fluffy

You haven't got time for this. He's 46 with a low sperm count and still not cracking on.

Thank you all... it's so tough that there's only one person who seems to say it's ok that he doesn't want to try living together... I guess we need to have a conversation again.. I really don't want to break up with him but I don't understand how you can't be sure after almost a year if you want to TRY living together if there's the POTENTIAL there for a long term future etc. It's infuriating.. I'm tempted to give him an ultimatum of a couple of weeks and to make a decision before our "official" anniversary.. then I know whether to celebrate having been together a year or stop myself before we hit that mark..

Honestly OP, do you really want a child? If so, you HAVE to break up with him - he doesn't want a child (with you). No man at 46 who wanted a child with someone, would wait around after 12 months.

I know you love him etc etc - but you are 35 and want a child, or children, he is in no hurry (?) so he is not the one for you.

When friends ask me how I managed to get what I wanted in life, I am honest - no man has ever stood between me and what I wanted, so if a man did not want children, I moved on immediately. Yes it is tough and I might have lost Mr. Amazing, but as a woman you only have so many fertile years and you cannot afford to waste them.

I moved in with mines less than a year into dating and even after a year of staying together I had to pressure him to get married and have kids!
So if you are waiting to get married to have kids he might take forever to propose like mine did and that might not align well with having a kid asap. If your goal is to marry and only then have kids, find a younger guy! Good luck

I'm 38 (just) and moved in with DP after a year hoping to TTC after about another 6 months (so about 6 months ago). A big health issue has probably now scuppered this but late 30s, we had been round the block enough to know what felt right by a year in. For me, if I hadn't known by then whether I wanted things to progress, that would have meant it felt wrong. It's his owned family sized house so he would have the same concerns about protecting his assets.

I would advise you to prioritise your wish for a child. Learn from past time wasted and don't make that mistake again. I'm not saying necessarily end the relationship but don't waste more time if he's wavering. Go ahead with sperm donation and if your partner doesn't like that idea but doesn't want to be involved then I think that's a complete answer.

See it this way. Rather than is a year long enough to move in? See it as 'is a year long enough to delegate fertility decisions and timescales if not on same page to this man?' That's what you're really asking yourself.

You both like each other.
It has only been a year though so I would wait another six months just dating.
Do you want marriage?

Make it clear to Bf that you'd need a ring before moving in and marriage before children.
Don't stay over as much. Be a catch.

Tell BF how much you like him. Tell him that you agree that you need more certainty before moving in, that a proposal would be in order.
Leave the relationship if he doesn't want to commit.

Just go with your gut but protect yourself financially.

I moved in with my DP partner after about 6 weeks as I couldn't bare being without him. I reasoned at the time it was the best way to get to know him, no show boating once a week at dates / best clothes / best behaviour etc

It worked for us

At 46, "not ready" means "never." Do not allow this man to string you along until any chance you have of having a family is gone.

I guess on the other hand, if he is not that bothered about kids, why should he rush into living with someone when he isn’t ready to embark on a painful IVF pathway which might be really difficult with someone he doesn’t feel ready to yet. If you were not 37 you might agree with him!
it’s shit for you and not entirely fair but he has valid feelings