Is this too soon to move in together?

[bananasarent]

Sorry if this is long - just trying to avoid a drip feed...

I'm 37 and have some fertility issues (eg peri menopause - referred to early menopause clinic and awaiting appointments). I have frozen some eggs thankfully but no guarantee of anything. I 100% want children. I would consider this alone with sperm donor if this relationship does not work but not keen on it..

I have been with my partner for almost a year (from first meeting, but we were exclusive/official within a few dates). My partner is 46 and may have some issues with low sperm count (only one test conducted - we agreed for him to have this test just for info - and need to redo this for accurate diagnosis). Likely therefore that if we were to have children it might be via IVF, although we would obviously try naturally first.

DP has always said that the right relationship is what he wants as a priority. He would love it if that leads to children but he doesn't want to rush things just because we're older etc. He knows that given his age when we even got together that there's no guarantee he might have kids and he would rather take time to know if the relationship is right before taking that step - even if it means he misses out on children. He was reassured that I had frozen some eggs though - this came out on the first date, so I do think it is important to him.

He is great with kids, very engaged with them, very kind, caring, emotional type guy (eg. he got teary when a friend's little toddler was leaving his and thanked him for having him etc!)

Problem is, he does not feel "ready" to move in together or basically progress the relationship. I have a flat in a city (where we both work) and he has a large (family!) house on the outskirts so it would be moving in with him. We usually spend 5ish nights a week together - often at his, say Thur night to Tues morning. I have made it clear if we "moved in together" then I would keep my flat and it just being empty/we use it occasionally so basically it's all on a trial basis. If it works, amazing, we progress. if not, then fine I move back out with my couple of suitcases of clothes or whatever and we move on.

I'm struggling to decide how big a deal this is that he does not want to do this - I've been in an on/off relationship with someone who messed me around re kids for a good 7ish years and just concerned I may have ended up in one again, despite what he says.. he has tried to reassure me that we're both on the same path but I'm just further ahead than him and he wants to feel "sure" and that he wants to feel like "I really want her here all the time" kind of thing before we move in together. Obviously I would like that too but I guess I just feel there's not really much to lose by just going for it so why wait? If he hates spending every night together then good to find out sooner rather than later.

Grateful for thoughts or advise on what I should say to him etc.

We've currently left it as me saying he needs to figure out what he's expecting to change/happen as I think this is his issue and we need to have another chat in a week or two as I'm not happy with the situation and don't want to waste my time..

OP, he doesn't want the same things as you. He never has. He's 46 and I know more decisive 16 year oolds.If you want marriage and children you are not going to get those things enthusiastically from him. He has been future faking you and likely has a long line of women.
What real man at 46 needs to talk to his friend about marriage and babies if he really loved a woman.
He hasn't a notion of wanting those things, never has.

Simply put, my take on it is that he's affaid of losing his assets in the event of a divorce. It will also be a huge as it ffor anyone lifestyle adjustment.

He currently, has the home and lifestyle that suits him.

I would move quickly from this one. He's not at the same point you are. It will only end in more pain and heartbreak further down the line.

Quite honestly it seems as if he's quite happy with how are. Left to it you'd be in this position in 10 years time. The fact that he's going to talk to friends???? You both want different things from life.

This, frozen eggs has a very low success rate, if you want to prioritise being a mother do it now alone

Future faker. Sorry.

If you get past this hurdle you’ll come up against it time and time again. At the prospect of marriage, trying for children, starting IVF. You need to be with someone who actively wants what you want.

If you do want to keep gambling on him, suggest setting out a timeline of TTC and IVF and getting him to either commit to that or not. No point moving in with someone who isn’t there for the long haul.

This 46 year old man wants the opinion of Dave down the pub to see if he should commit t loseo his partner??

This is so true and so sad

Being really brutal and someone else touched on this. He know that for the next few years your joint life Will be taken over by the harsh realities of IVF. There will be no more fun dating as you will not feel upto it. I’m not sure , if I wasn’t bothered about children, I would put myself through that. Especially since men get back out on the dating scene fairly easy even late 40s.

you have also said that your desire to have a child is stronger than your desire to be with a man. Perhaps he senses that - that it’s not him you really want - you want a family and his sperm.

i was 37 when I had my first child so understand where you are coming from however I didn’t have an over whelming desire to have a child. If it happened great. If not we would still have fun as a couple. He knows you don’t feel like that.

A year is plenty of time to decide, especially at your age. DH and I were engaged after 6 months, in our 40s, and have been happy together now for 20+ years.

You have made a very sensible offer of moving in but keeping your own place. You could press on and do that, just to try it out living together. But don’t let him keep you hanging on for more than say 6 months. You can’t “try out” having a baby.

Edited to add: actually, spending 4-5 days a week together should give a good enough idea of what living together would be like. And moving in might increase your feelings for him, so it would hurt you even more when you move out.

Sadly, it does sound as if he will never be ready for fatherhood, at least not with you. You deserve better, OP. Don’t let him waste your chance of motherhood.

And I have just remembered that if you have to work hard to persuade someone to do something, it means they don’t really want to do it and will back out as soon as they can!

I moved in with my now husband during the first Covid lockdown when we’d only been together 6 months or so. It has worked out so far!
However, it might be that he doesn’t really want to commit and/or hasn’t really considered what he wants out of life. You need to be on the same page I think, particularly if you feel you’re on a shorter timeline with children.
My only other thought is that he may be worried you almost see him as a means to a child, rather than valuing the relationship in itself. So that might have made him unsure/ have a wobble about it, if he’s worried you’re not committed for the right reasons.

This is probably dreadfully harsh, but you say you want a child. Can you put yourself in the position of that child, and ask yourself what you would want in your parents? As a child, is this the dad you'd want, who wasn't completely committed both to you and your mother.

Of course I know a lot of families start out this way and end up making an excellent family life from it. But is this the best choice for your child?

You are still in the position of making an active choice for your possible child, so do think carefully.

You have the rest of your life to meet a man.

Your fertility is a limited window.

You’ll not regret your children but you may well regret staying with a man who ruined your dreams.

He needs advice from his friends? Give over! He doesn’t deserve a second more of your time.

It could be coming across as though he’s a means to an end for you to have a child

the difficulty is sometimes when you push for something you just push the person in the opposite direction

Your 37 and he is 46. You been very honest with him about wanting a child. You know that you have fertility issues. You also recently found out that he has a low sperm count.
He living in a family home and your staying with him 5 nights a week but still not living with him.

He is telling you he wants a child to keep you and the lifestyle he currently has. He has a big house. Your there 5 nights a week so he not home alone and most men of his age have wives/partners and kids. He at the stage that his friends are busy with their own lives with wives and kid's. If he is now 46 how many more years does he need to decide he wants a kid?

My advice to you if you want a child is to go the donner sperm route and ivf now. Your giving yourself the best chance possible if you want a baby.
A low sperm count is not helpful when doing IVF and also if a man is older you have a higher chance of having a child with autism. I know 3 father's that this happened to.
I would not be waiting for a 46 year old man child to grow up and miss out on a chance of having a baby.

I would also be aware of the success rate with IVF and it may take more than once for it to work. One of my friends did it and it was hard going with the hormone effects. She was also aware of the lack of success with each cycle so she was prepared as much as possible before she embarked on this.

You've been together a year and have a literally zero risk plan to move in together and he's still saying no. I think that says everything you need to know- he just doesn't want to live with you yet. There's no practical reason to say no, so his no is based on his emotions about your relationship.

At your age and with reasonable fertility pressure on you, I wouldn't be wasting time on him. And at his age, he should know what he wants and be able to pursue it. At best, you can say he's a nice guy who is a commitment phobe. At worst, he's a nasty guy deliberately wasting your time.